It's most likely just delusional thinking. It is not uncommon for WWs to think that they can still do things together as a family. I would just make it clear that this is not going to happen anytime soon. You need to move on and heal. Maybe years down the road when the D is an after thought you can be included in family get togethers gut not right now.
I agree LH19. That is my perspective. We are not D, just seperating for now. But D is not off the table. I told the W today that, I need time and space to heal. I will be involved in major family activities, but not all the minor ones involving son. She understood, but left the future invitations open anyway. I told her I would need some time to think about that.
MIL took pictures of 3 of us at her bday. Me feeding my S1, etc. You could clearly see it on my face, in the pictures, with compaorson to previous pictures even though I was trying to be pleasant and happy. Again im fine around her family alone. Its just when she is there with her family. I notice my state changing.
Easter egg hunt party for kids this weekend at WAW'S friends house, which I was reminded of by W. It is my weekend to watch S1. I think it would be nice to be there for S1, watch him run around and interact with other kids, take pictures. Etc... However. I still don't want to placate to W's social schedule, or mingle with her family and friends at the moment in time. Don't get me wrong. I through my enjoy all there company. Its just that I should be creating some distance between W's friends and family. I still don't feel like playing happy family with W's delusion.
On another note. Has anyone here ever heard of the term "how to gray rock a narcissist" It seems to fit into the WAW'S script of being emotionally unavailable and business like, thus ignoring all interaction with ex/former spouse/LBS. I find that it is mostly written from a woman's perspective from what I have read on it.
Another interesting search article I have found on google is called "The Divorce Machine" very balanced perspective and perception from both sexes and sides of a S/D. how both sides are easily influenced and perpetuated into the process.
Yesterday I was angry again driving home about all of the lifestyle changes I am going to have to endure.
Reflecting now on when I went to bed last night. Was playing sleeping meditation music. Relaxing, slightly melancholic. Had a dream about a half hour in. I found W on couch with lights out. ( Lights are always out when I'm lucid dreaming.) We were distant from each other as present circumstance. I could still hear the music from my meditation which influenced my dream. I asked her if she was ok in the dream. She got up, started crying, hugged me, and kissed me. Then I started searching through the house to protect her and my son as if there were a intruder in it I could not see. (This is also a common theme in most of my dreams for past several years.) I woke up starting to sob for a tiny second then I stopped and came to reality which I knew I was fine. I then looked up "letting go of ex/relationship meditation" on you tube and went back to sleep. My W has stated numerous times of incompatibility issue in prior talks. Today I reflected on all of our incompatibility issue that have grown us apart over the last few years. Then a different feeling hit me just now. I actually feel like I just want to be her friend. To lean into the whole experience, but still CMOA as far as legal, and financial. I'm not fully detached. But a question hit my mind today. Why am I wasting all my energy for the last 6 months trying to figure all this stuff out, as I I could manipulate her or the situation? Even learning DB is from a LBS perspective. Now I understand what she felt, when things went platonic, and the love went away. I guess it just took me 6 months to stop cycling and resisting the acceptance of it from how I remembered her before BD. Is this what "dropping the rope" feels like? Acceptance? Just starting to have a realization of how women, especially WAW'S live in the present, and how much some men LBS can be stuck in the past with feelings of history of who they thought they knew. Takes em a while to catch up.
Guys what are the DB principles in bullet points? I haven't picked up DR or DB in over 6 months, and tried to just cherry pick principles out of the books just recently without clear indications of what the principles are. I'm going to have a hard time deciphering them. Nothing has changed in over 6 months. If anything going NC or minimal contact has gotten me nothing more than ignored, and nothing but silence, and being ignored. I know everyone here says balance, but balance of doing what exactly?
The only thing that I've changed on my part is that I stopped complaining, I've tried to take on more responsibility, being more thoughtful, I've validated a little bit, I've tried to remain positive in all interactions and to try and remain engaging and present, but it's like I've been "gray rocked" by W if anyone is familiar with the term. Basically I'm talking to a wall. I could probably get more of a response from a head of cabbage. I really don't see how NC can benefit anyone, unless they are in a WW sich. I barely have time to GAL still, but do where it doesn't affect my responsibilities.
I still feel the need to do something more positive and attractive in my interactions. Time, presence, balance, and giving space is not currently working in my favor. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!!! THE SILENCE IS KILLING ME!!! I want to change at least this Dynamic and I need to know what to do.
Now I understand what she felt, when things went platonic, and the love went away. I guess it just took me 6 months to stop cycling and resisting the acceptance of it from how I remembered her before BD. Is this what "dropping the rope" feels like? Acceptance? Just starting to have a realization of how women, especially WAW'S live in the present, and how much some men LBS can be stuck in the past with feelings of history of who they thought they knew. Takes em a while to catch up.
Yes, acceptance is definitely the key word. It doesn't mean you'll never feel sadness or melancholy at what once was, but it does mean it won't wreck your day when you remember "the good ol' days". You'll come to accept that whatever you had before really is gone and will never come back, and you'll accept that it probably happened for reasons beyond your control and that you have to move on and let her move on. And most importantly- you are OK with that. Not great with it, not ecstatic, just OK. You accept it.
For me at some point I realized that my marriage was destined to change substantially anyway. What I loved about my old life wasn't specifically my W (although I did love her), but was the whole package. Being a dad, going to school events, being relied on by my kids and W, being an important part of their lives as they were in mine, being "intertwined" with W, the kids, my in-laws, our extended family. It really was wonderful. BUT IT WAS DESTINED TO CHANGE NO MATTER WHAT. 2 of my 3 kids have grown up, graduated college, moved out, taken on jobs. And the 3rd is 16 now and very independent. Much of our extended family on both sides has passed away. I cried when I sent my D's off to college. Cried like a baby. Cried because I missed putting them to bed at night and talking about when Santa would come and holding them when they got scared and coming home from work to ask how their day was and staying with them when they were sick. I miss that so much, and I will until the day I die. Heck I can't even type it without getting teary-eyed. I still have a wonderful relationship with my kids but it's very different than it was back then. The same could be said about my XW, we have a great relationship but it's not the same as it used to be. I'm no longer a father to little kids or husband to a young woman. And even had we stayed married I still wouldn't be that.
Life is constantly changing and evolving and we don't control it. We roll with it and make the best of it, because it's all we can do.
Guys what are the DB principles in bullet points? I haven't picked up DR or DB in over 6 months
Pick it up and read it again. There isn't a cliff notes version. I used to read it once a month and still read it every few months. It's a living document, you'll find different meaning in it every time you read it.
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I still feel the need to do something more positive and attractive in my interactions. Time, presence, balance, and giving space is not currently working in my favor. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!!! THE SILENCE IS KILLING ME!!! I want to change at least this Dynamic and I need to know what to do.
This is really ironic considering you were just talking about how you've found acceptance. This isn't acceptance, is it?
Yeah I guess my acceptance of current W is fluctuating still, along with everything else. I've accepted the seperation. Have no choice, that's inevitable. Its not interacting on a more personal level and talking to the "emotional gray rock" W that's killing me. Guess I just need more time to balance out my intentions and emotions. Trying to be more present and less in my head on past guilt and future consequence is helping.
Thanks AnotherStander for displaying your life experiences, perspective of an older, wiser family man who went through this experience. I know what you mean by the whole package of marriage, and extended family, and the thought of limiting, or dissolving such.
