So I've been reading threads here NON STOP for a couple of days now. I just got the courage to write to you (BEAUTIFUL) people, asking for your advice...
I'm in a tricky situation. I messed up. A series of events happened back to back that led to my W losing her trust in me, COMPLETELY, and not knowing if she wants to continue the relationship with me.
I moved to my wife's country last year (less than a year now) - basically, I got SO dependent on her (first mess up) and totally relied on her for everything. She mentioned this previously...
We had a threesome with another woman last month, it went REALLY bad and affected our R badly (no sex for a month...), my W not knowing if she wants to be with me... As soon as we started working on our R, my W discovered that I was sexting a woman during our engagement (no physical meet up though)...
The issue? I lied, I covered the truth... thinking I was protecting the relationship. I was "managing the situation" and "recovering after the disaster"... and she found out I was lying/telling half the truth. Example: I told her 2 years ago about the sexting girl, but I didnt tell her we were sexting, I said it was chat...
That's a bit of a background on the issue - I MESSED UP. All of this happened at the start of this month.
Now, bear with me as I describe what happened throughout the past 3 weeks:
1) W asked for space 2) I'm in my 3rd week of sleeping in the guest room 2) My W not wearing her rings, and "for the moment" she doesn't foresee a future for us". 3) It wouldn't surprise you if I say I got in a bad state mentally, depressed, etc... I was talking/begging/pleading about the R almost every day.. and got rejected every single time.. of course, she refused seeking couple counseling, reconciliation, or any advance from me to "change her mind"...This made her FURIOUS, it got to a point where she was telling me to stop talking about it every day and that it's the only thing I talk about when I'm home (I travel 2-3 days a week for work). 4) Getting mixed signals: a) Contact wise: When I'm away, until the past 2 days, she was contacting me randomly throughout the day. This week, no texting at all, all day - NOTHING. However, she calls me after work to ask about my day and hers (and nothing more, no details, no nothing.. 2-3 mins phone call). Previously, when I gave her a couple of days of YES/NO/OK answers, she asked me if I needed space to think about stuff. I mentioned I was respecting her ask for space. Her response was that she still wants to chat about how our days went. b) Last weekend we went out with friends, we ended up drunk, (dirty) dancing, kissing and hugging in the club.. nothing when we went back home. c) When I told her that things are happening that are giving me hope that she is leaning (after that night out), she immediately told me that this shouldn't give me hope, and it's just us drunk, and enjoying our time so we don't have mental breakdowns... d) We have a vacation planned in April with friends, we're all going to my home country for 10 nights, staying for a couple of nights with my family. She asked me to think about that and if I want to cancel it (I still haven't told my family about our situation). I still dont know if I cancel or go? When I hinted that I think it's better to cancel, she told me that she needed this, a break of the madness, to act "not miserable". BUT, she asked that if we go, that she would want space for a day or two when I go and do whatever I want with my friends, and she will be with her friends.. She wants me to know that acting not miserable and enjoying time together doesn't mean she is giving me hope that our R will work. She asked for time later on this week to chat about this and know my thoughts about if we go, what I think about the "space during vacation"... Any help with this is appreciated. e) Last night, she asked me to cancel our wedding anniversary vacation planned in August. f) She can't think further than the end of April. She mentioned she is giving until June. g) This past Friday was the last time we spoke about the relationship and she mentioned and I quote "there is a super super super super slight chance this might work"... - but again FOR THE MOMENT/IN THE CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES, she doesn't foresee any way out of this.
Regarding MY state: I started reading this forum 2 days ago. It helped me figure stuff out in my mind, I bought the book yesterday and started reading it. I decided to GAL: 1) I had no life except her since I moved to her country - so, I joined networking groups and will start going to meet people (of course without her) 2) This week, I restarted working out, eating normal, feeling/acting happy 3) I started therapy (not marriage counseling, I'm seeking therapy for myself)
What's confusing me now, is how to act around her when I'm home (I travel 2-3 days a week for work): 1) I'm the one who messed up the whole situation, shall I act "as if" and be happy around her? how do I act? what do I do? 2) Is it a good idea to go out with the networking group/the only friend I have here to dance/party? when I mentioned that I don't think going out to party is helpful and that I will cancel, she got mad at me and asked me to go.
Sorry for the long post.... any form of advice would be helpful, please.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So I've been reading threads here NON STOP for a couple of days now. I just got the courage to write to you (BEAUTIFUL) people, asking for your advice...
I'm in a tricky situation. I messed up. A series of events happened back to back that led to my W losing her trust in me, COMPLETELY, and not knowing if she wants to continue the relationship with me.
I moved to my wife's country last year (less than a year now) - basically, I got SO dependent on her (first mess up) and totally relied on her for everything. She mentioned this previously...
We had a threesome with another woman last month, it went REALLY bad and affected our R badly (no sex for a month...), my W not knowing if she wants to be with me... As soon as we started working on our R, my W discovered that I was sexting a woman during our engagement (no physical meet up though)...
The issue? I lied, I covered the truth... thinking I was protecting the relationship. I was "managing the situation" and "recovering after the disaster"... and she found out I was lying/telling half the truth. Example: I told her 2 years ago about the sexting girl, but I didnt tell her we were sexting, I said it was chat...
That's a bit of a background on the issue - I MESSED UP. All of this happened at the start of this month.
Now, bear with me as I describe what happened throughout the past 3 weeks:
1) W asked for space 2) I'm in my 3rd week of sleeping in the guest room 2) My W not wearing her rings, and "for the moment" she doesn't foresee a future for us". 3) It wouldn't surprise you if I say I got in a bad state mentally, depressed, etc... I was talking/begging/pleading about the R almost every day.. and got rejected every single time.. of course, she refused seeking couple counseling, reconciliation, or any advance from me to "change her mind"...This made her FURIOUS, it got to a point where she was telling me to stop talking about it every day and that it's the only thing I talk about when I'm home (I travel 2-3 days a week for work). 4) Getting mixed signals: a) Contact wise: When I'm away, until the past 2 days, she was contacting me randomly throughout the day. This week, no texting at all, all day - NOTHING. However, she calls me after work to ask about my day and hers (and nothing more, no details, no nothing.. 2-3 mins phone call). Previously, when I gave her a couple of days of YES/NO/OK answers, she asked me if I needed space to think about stuff. I mentioned I was respecting her ask for space. Her response was that she still wants to chat about how our days went. b) Last weekend we went out with friends, we ended up drunk, (dirty) dancing, kissing and hugging in the club.. nothing when we went back home. c) When I told her that things are happening that are giving me hope that she is leaning (after that night out), she immediately told me that this shouldn't give me hope, and it's just us drunk, and enjoying our time so we don't have mental breakdowns... d) We have a vacation planned in April with friends, we're all going to my home country for 10 nights, staying for a couple of nights with my family. She asked me to think about that and if I want to cancel it (I still haven't told my family about our situation). I still dont know if I cancel or go? When I hinted that I think it's better to cancel, she told me that she needed this, a break of the madness, to act "not miserable". BUT, she asked that if we go, that she would want space for a day or two when I go and do whatever I want with my friends, and she will be with her friends.. She wants me to know that acting not miserable and enjoying time together doesn't mean she is giving me hope that our R will work. She asked for time later on this week to chat about this and know my thoughts about if we go, what I think about the "space during vacation"... Any help with this is appreciated. e) Last night, she asked me to cancel our wedding anniversary vacation planned in August. f) She can't think further than the end of April. She mentioned she is giving until June. g) This past Friday was the last time we spoke about the relationship and she mentioned and I quote "there is a super super super super slight chance this might work"... - but again FOR THE MOMENT/IN THE CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES, she doesn't foresee any way out of this.
Regarding MY state: I started reading this forum 2 days ago. It helped me figure stuff out in my mind, I bought the book yesterday and started reading it. I decided to GAL: 1) I had no life except her since I moved to her country - so, I joined networking groups and will start going to meet people (of course without her) 2) This week, I restarted working out, eating normal, feeling/acting happy 3) I started therapy (not marriage counseling, I'm seeking therapy for myself)
What's confusing me now, is how to act around her when I'm home (I travel 2-3 days a week for work): 1) I'm the one who messed up the whole situation, shall I act "as if" and be happy around her? how do I act? what do I do? 2) Is it a good idea to go out with the networking group/the only friend I have here to dance/party? when I mentioned that I don't think going out to party is helpful and that I will cancel, she got mad at me and asked me to go.
Sorry for the long post.... any form of advice would be helpful, please.
First, welcome and sorry you are here (for you), but you have found a place that can help. I've read your OP and must say good news and bad news. First bad news. You are right, you've made a lot of mistakes. The good news? That fact gives you lots of things you can work on! Obviously, you need to 180 on bad behavior. Stop communication with all women that are not your W. Resolve to never have a 3some again. Stop being codependent. ETC!
So having said that, I will concentrate on your last two point of confusion:
Quote
1) I'm the one who messed up the whole situation, shall I act "as if" and be happy around her? how do I act? what do I do?
Does't matter that you messed up, that is what 180s are for. So work on your 180s, work on making them lasting. Get into IC. No excuses. No "I don't believe in counseling". Etc. JUST DO IT
Around her you act upbeat. Confident. Pleased. Happy. You don't start interactions, but respond to her cheerfully. Your problem is that she is no longer attracted to you so you need to do things she can respect. She will respect that you are in IC, working on yourself. You need to move back into MBR. She will respect you for that even if it upsets her. (Remember, she is free to sleep wherever she wants, but you will be in the MBR.) Your goal is to become a man only a fool would leave. You haven't been that until now but you start changing that now. GAL. Work on detachment (this is a big one for you since you admit to being so codependent). And of course 180s!
Quote
2) Is it a good idea to go out with the networking group/the only friend I have here to dance/party? when I mentioned that I don't think going out to party is helpful and that I will cancel, she got mad at me and asked me to go.
I would avoid any place that includes single or loose women. I just would. There are plenty of activities you and your friend (or new friends that you should be making through GAL) can engage in that are dancing and partying. You need to avoid any activity that could even lead to the hint of impropriety with members of the opposite sex. Do things that do not involve women. You are not only trying to reattract your wife, but to regain her trust.
Finally, DO NOT DISCUSS THIS STUFF WITH HER. Just go out and GAL. And if she asks just give her need to know answers. You obviously are trying to tell you that you are changed. Here is the thing: your words are meaningless to her. You do not get to lie and then have her believe a word you say. Over time you will show her you are trustworthy. It will not happen over night You can't fix in days and weeks what took months and years to get into. So BE PATIENT.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for the quick reply Steve... regarding this:
Originally Posted by Steve85
[quote=AFK]You need to move back into MBR. She will respect you for that even if it upsets her. (Remember, she is free to sleep wherever she wants, but you will be in the MBR.)
Don't you think I should first start my AS IF and 180s for a couple of days or a week before I do anything else??
Sleep in MBR tonight. She may (most likely) will get angry. Listen and validate, but do not leave.
W:"Bla bla bla I don't want you in here bla bla bla" H"I understand you feel that way"..then shut up and listen. W"Bla bla bla Why are you doiong this bla bla bla" H"I decided I like sleeping here" ..then shut up and listen. W"Bla bla bla space bla bla bla" H"You are free to sleep where you want"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
What does it gain you to wait? Rip the band-aid off and move forward.
It is easy. Move back in. Say nothing to her. Even if she doesn't notice, the first night you get ready for bed and get in bed. When she says: "What the (&)@!$ do you think you are doing." You look her in eye, calmly and nicely say: "I am not the one that wants to end the marriage. You are. So you should be the one to move out of the MBR if you don't want to sleep with me." And then get in bed and turn over to go to sleep.
This is the same things we tell all LBSs that have given up the MBR. The only caveat to this is if you are married to a psychopath that might do you harm while you sleep. Otherwise, she will either move to the guest bedroom, or she'l relunctantly sleep in the bed with you. You don't care which one.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1) I am going to do the right thing, even if it is hard. 2) I am not going to let someone else control what I am doing. 3) I will listen to W to understand her, especially when I disagree. I will not argue with her. It is her story I am trying to understand, not tell mine.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
