thank you so much for this. I started the as-if today, acting happy around the house. I will do this for a couple then do the MBR move. I had music on when she came home, i cooked dinner, acted normal, happy... the extact opposite to what I've been doing for the past 20 days.
R2C.. you mentioned this:
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Focus on these three traits:
1) Confidence 2) Respect 3) Attraction
You hit the spot with these.. I was created demons in my head for no reason... very low self esteem and confidence... i was dependent on her... she got to a point where she told me "I'm not your carer"... I feel like I'm in a war on multiple fronts here...
On top of my infidelity, i also created other problems...
On top of my infidelity, i also created other problems...
From reading your first post, I did not see you mention infidelity. Would you clarify what you mean by this for me. Also clarify what you mean by other problems.
Also,
Do you have kids together? What are your ages? What Countries are you referring to?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
From reading your first post, I did not see you mention infidelity. Would you clarify what you mean by this for me. Also clarify what you mean by other problems.
1) We had a threesome with another woman that went really bad. It ended up with a massive fight between my W and I. My W stopped in the middle of the threesome and I didn't notice / was confused what was going on thinking she likes to watch. This really affected our R in a bad way: my W couldn't be intimate with me after it (happened end of January)
2) during our engagement (end of 2016 till August 2017), I was sexting a woman (didnt meet her physically). This woman discovered that I was getting married and threatened to ruin my M. So i told my W (around August 2017) half the truth/damage control/lies. I told her a crazy woman is trying to ruin our marriage for some reason etc etc (nothing about sextintlg).
3) when we were trying to work our R after the threesome, my W had a plan for us to work things out. Her first step was to speak to the woman who threatened to ruin our marriage. They chatted and discovered that ainwas lying/sexting throughout our engagement and when we were doing the legal marriage papers.
4) other problems: i became so dependent on my wife after I moved to her country. I knew no one but her and her circle. I created demons in my head that destroyed my confidence/made me dependent/acted weak and like a victim...
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Also,
Do you have kids together? What are your ages? What Countries are you referring to?
No kids, married in Aug 2017, long distance marriage, I moved to the UK in May 2018, threesome end of Jan 2019, disocvery of dexting 1 march 2019
Do you have kids together? What are your ages? What Countries are you referring to?
Sorry my previous answer is confusing/not answering all the questions H: 31 W: 30 No kids Long Distance R/M: May 2017 - May 2018 (vacation every month to see each other) I moved to UK: May 2018 Threesome: end of Jan 2019 Discovered my lies: 1 March 2019
The problem aroundinfidelity (and I quote something she said) is not about the sexting, but about me lying / disaster management / hiding the truth. I destroyed her trust in me, and for her: "I completely destroyed the foundation of our M." B
Hi ZikZik, I join the others in welcoming you to our community. Most of the population here are LBS. It is rare to see a wayward W join the board, but it extremely rare to have a wayward H to join. FWIW, I am a former WW and I stick around as a way of paying forward the help I received from the board.
Generally we will tell a newcomer to follow "Sandi's 37 rules", move back into the marital bedroom, don't move out of the house, etc. However, this advice is mostly geared toward the LBS.......rather than the wayward. And, since we don't have all the information yet, I suggest you hold off a little while before moving back to your bed in the MBR. I don't like giving different advice than my board brothers, but I have a gut feeling that this move needs to wait just a bit longer.
They are correct in saying she'll be mad, if you go back to sleeping in your bed with her. If she were the wayward spouse, I'd say "tough", and go ahead and do it. But here's the thing. She's already very leery of you getting the idea she's ready to make up with you. She's not ready to forgive you. She's asked for some space. And, as a woman, if my WH suddenly started acting as if he was happy and upbeat, and then decided to come sleep in the marital bed......I would think this man feels like everything is going back to normal, so I have to prove to him just how wrong he is.
I'm just saying to wait a little longer until we have the full story.
So, I need to ask you some personal questions. Before the threesome, how was the sex life with your W? Was she interested in trying new things, or was she doing it for your sake? Who suggested the threesome?
You've implied there are other things where you messed up. Are these actions that you have not disclosed with your W?
Last question, do you believe you could have a sex addiction? Yes, I suppose I go straight for the jugular, but the faster we get to the source, the better. I am direct in what I have to say, but I don't want you to get offended and think you are being picked on. Like I said, I can't judge anyone. I'm here to help if I can.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Otherwise, she will either move to the guest bedroom, or she'l relunctantly sleep in the bed with you. You don't care which one.
I'm thinking about this: why do I not care which one? Can you please explain what you mean by that?
It means she can sleep in the same bed, she is welcome to. But if she doesn't want to then she can sleep elsewhere. You don't care because you are detaching. So her choices are no longer going to affect you emotionally!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hello ZZ- well you've got a tough road ahead, I'm not going to lie! I assume you were the one that pushed for a threesome. Based on that, and the fact that you've sexted throughout your dating, engagement and marriage to your W I can't help but wonder as Sandi did if you might have a sex addiction. Please discuss this with your IC. Your behavior has been really poor throughout your M and I am not surprised your W has lost all trust in you. You've got to stop all the damaging behavior you've been engaging in, and by "stop" I don't mean "get super secretive and cover your tracks better" I mean STOP. And you need to do it for YOU, not your W. Work on yourself. Cut the bad behavior out of your life. Become a changed man in body and spirit. Your W will not believe your changes at first, she won't trust them. But down the road she will accept that they are real and she may be attracted to you again.
DO NOT wave around your changes like a flag. Do them quietly, discretely. DO NOT announce to your W that you have changed. SHOW her your changes, don't TELL her (words are cheap).
It sounds like you have a good woman who you have hurt badly. I hope you are willing to give up your wayward ways to earn her love and trust back again.
So, I need to ask you some personal questions. Before the threesome, how was the sex life with your W? Was she interested in trying new things, or was she doing it for your sake? Who suggested the threesome?
Sex life was good - she is always interested in trying new things, and she suggested the threesome as she's bicurious...
Originally Posted by sandi2
You've implied there are other things where you messed up. Are these actions that you have not disclosed with your W?
no - messed up with my infidelity/lies, plus me being super dependent on her in everything since i moved here..
Originally Posted by sandi2
Last question, do you believe you could have a sex addiction? Yes, I suppose I go straight for the jugular, but the faster we get to the source, the better. I am direct in what I have to say, but I don't want you to get offended and think you are being picked on. Like I said, I can't judge anyone. I'm here to help if I can.
Maybe, at some point I did watch porn quite often, but that stopped...
I assume you were the one that pushed for a threesome. Based on that, and the fact that you've sexted throughout your dating, engagement and marriage to your W I can't help but wonder as Sandi did if you might have a sex addiction.
I did have a bit of porn addiction, but that stopped quite some time ago, I did not suggest the threesome though.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Please discuss this with your IC.
I am now doing this...
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Your behavior has been really poor throughout your M and I am not surprised your W has lost all trust in you. You've got to stop all the damaging behavior you've been engaging in, and by "stop" I don't mean "get super secretive and cover your tracks better" I mean STOP. And you need to do it for YOU, not your W. Work on yourself. Cut the bad behavior out of your life. Become a changed man in body and spirit. Your W will not believe your changes at first, she won't trust them. But down the road she will accept that they are real and she may be attracted to you again.
I did STOP, everything. I'm working on myself, cut the bad behavior...everything..
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
It sounds like you have a good woman who you have hurt badly. I hope you are willing to give up your wayward ways to earn her love and trust back again.
it's true, and that's why I'm here and asking for help. I dont want to lose her... I love her, and i made a mistake that i regret..
