The DR is not my first sexual but obviously my first serious and even though she is an amazing person and I am very lucky it scares the $hit out of me.
Yeah - I alternate between being thrilled and feeling comfortable and then feeling like I'm in waay over my head - which is this afternoon's mood.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well, we’ve been getting it on for 6 months now, every time pretty darn great not feeling any nervousness from him. The last time we actually moved the bed half way across the room... (way too much tmi) but in all seriousness. I don’t think he would be scared after 6 months ?
I have been thinking about how he might be scared to touch my boobs after surgery. And how we are going to have to take it easy for a while. Who wants this 6 months in?
I think this is all a big test of our R. I hope we get through it
Ginger.........S. L. O. W. D. O. W. N. Take a deep breath...
You can speculate on what hes thinking but only he knows, so stop it! Just let things be for a bit and see how it all plays out, you're overthinking this so much and taking every single thing hes doing as a sign of the end.
You have so much fear over this not working your hyper engaged in mind reading and watching is every step to point of making yourself miserable. I'm not even going to take a guess at what hes doing/thinking. Everyone else has given great examples and perspectives, I'll just say to stop worrying about it as its doing you no good. Have you ever heard of fear setting? Theres a good TED talk on it and it really helps lower anxiety with situations
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Ginger - I think the best thing to do in a situation like this is to act as if. Just act as if nothing is wrong. Stay positive. Positivity begets positivity. You are happy with the relationship. You have nothing to bring up. If he does, he will and you can go from there.
I notice, you focus a lot on what your partner is thinking about you. And how he feels about the relationship and whether he’s gonna want to stay in the relationship. I never hear you complain or get upset with a partner over things (other then that guy that was out of shape) until later after the relationship is done. I never really hear you question whether you want to be with them. I just wonder if you are seeing yourself as worthy of them. You obviously are. It’s just I’m wondering if you view things like that.
I have mindread every possible situation. I can’t believe how much my relationship anxiety is. I’ve been burned one too many times and I get a “holy crap, not again! Feeling” I need to stop.
Juju. My BFF said the exact same thing to me. Like I don’t even worry about my feelings in an R. I am always worried about what my partner is thinking about me. You are right. I’m more messed up than I thought I was from divorce. I don’t like right now how he seems to be thinking a little too much about himself in a situation that is affecting me physically and mentally and how I feel I need to downplay it. Because I just worry about how I make others feel. Very unhealthy. I worry about if I’m good enough when I should be looking at if they are worthy of me.
I will tell you this. If he gets through all of this stuff going on and steps up a little as a boyfriend when I’m going through stuff and doesn’t back away, then he is worthy of me. Of me and D11. If he doesn’t, it has nothing to do with me. I have to remind myself of that.
I was thinking about how my self care has gone down the tubes. I look like poop and I feel like poop. I worry too much about others and I give much more love and slack to others than I do to myself and that’s not healthy.
I was supposed to go back to the gym next month, but I can’t now. But I’m cleaning up my eating. I’m going to take up more hobbies for myself that I enjoy and relax me. The nice weather is coming and I want to plant my own herbs. I got a nice area to do that.
If this doesn’t work, I’m taking a good solid year off to work on me. Physically and mentally. Not think about men and romantic relationships . And if and when I do date again, I have learned kids won’t be involved until there is a solid commitment. Too much at stake.
But I am happy in this relationship. I was so happy with how this weekend went. It made me feel really good. I questioned everything when it didn’t seem to make him feel that way. But that’s on him. I thought it was a great weekend, my daughter did and so did his son.
More positivity less negativity. More focus on me and less worrying about everyone else
Wow, it sure seems like things are getting blown wait out for something that really has not happened yet. Am I reading all of this wrong? Or am I missing something? What EXACTLY has M done that is a problem Ginger? From what I've read he was perhaps a bit distant, but I guess I'm not even sure how-so. He told you he loved you. He said he'd be there. What is it exactly that he's doing - or not doing?
It really just sounds like it's a "feeling" you are getting. Sadly, that can go two ways. Sometimes people, and I'm often one of them, can sense things like this and am correct about them. Other times I'm way off. It's also about a whole lot of mind reading. I mean you are already off onto not dating again for a year - something, by the way, you said multiple times after the last three or four breakups. So I take that with a grain of salt. And not, getting kids involved too soon. Um, are we going back there again? But to that point, not having the four of you together very often in the next month or two is not "taking a step backwards".
The thing is, the worst thing you can do if you do think he is pulling away is to grab on tighter. That is the worst and will make what you fear is going to happen - happen. Don't do that. On paper, I can totally see, putting myself in his shoes, why he might be scared. It's getting more real. It's his first real R after only a short time D'd. I've been there - but we are talking about me - and you know I'm not looking for this huge, blend families, get married in a few years R. But perhaps he's not either? This is what a lot of guys fear or at least joke about - "the talk." - the dreaded "where do you see this going" talk. Guys hate it - at least most of us do. Take that fear away and I'm fine, so is Joseph (I refuse to call him the Big Smooth LOL) and even perhaps M.
What JuJu and your friend said is HUGE. I've also noticed it. I can get why you or others may not want to spill out all of the details of what is going on here. But I've very much noticed before that you leave the bad parts out and only talk about the good stuff. I'm not even sure if you know you are doing it. Like the trumpet player that would not have sex with you - which you didn't tell us until after you guys broke up. It does seem like you are working so hard to have the guy want you that what you need or want or like goes out the window. It's like it's enough that he wants you - but see, it's not. It's a difficult balance - especially at six months in. You don't want to demand too much too soon but then you also don't want to get to two years and find there is no way he ever wants to blend families or move in together or get married - if that's what you want to do. Those I guess are things that people need to discuss early on - just in the abstract.
For now, however, I guess you need to try as hard as you can to relax. List out the CONCRETE things that he has said or done. Something tells me they are not there and if that is the case, then it's all or mostly mind-reading. It's based in your past - I so totally get that - but it's still mind reading. You have got to somehow put on the hat that says "I'd rather have M in my life, but things are going to be great either way whether he is or not." I know you probably thinks that, but you're not acting it. Acting it will also make a change in him. It's not attractive to do what you're doing and I know I've said it before that even if you don't think you are putting those vibes out to him - you are.
Bottom line, again, unless there are other things going on that you're not telling us, I don't at all see what you are worrying about. You've got to stop the mind reading. What ever is going to happen is going to happen - and worrying about it will not make it any better.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
K - Ginger pull up a stool cuz ole Uncle AndrewP is gonna tell you yet another story. Try to stay awake this time
Back when you were a teenager, my wife decided to get breast reduction surgery. As a nurse you undoubtedly know what's involved there. Now, let's just say that my children never had to be worried about being underfed when they were being nursed. She once told me that a drunk friend once referred to them as a "bodacious set of ta-tas". All natural too.
She also had back pain, and grooves in her shoulders from the bra straps. So - she decided to get probably 2/3 of them taken off. She would still have a pretty impressive set - much more than the average - but she could actually start buying bras off the rack.
Post surgery they released her as quick as possible - yeah socialized medicine! We stayed over in a hotel and there were some minor complications so we went back to the hospital. She told me - and she was - terrified that if I saw her breasts in the state that they were - which wasn't appealing - that I wouldn't be attracted to her again. I assured her that wouldn't be the case.
After everything healed I was able to demonstrate that in a practical sense - not that she was ever much interested in the horizontal mambo - but that's a different story. I used to jokingly refer to them as "Frankenboobs" - the stitches and seams were visible for a very long time - certainly nothing like what you will have.
So - don't worry about it. If M loves you - he loves more than your single deflated boob.
Because I'm feeling generous you get a second story.
When my daughter was born - the nurse - probably feeling sadistic - suggested that they were short on staff and that I should help by holding one of my wife's legs. Being me, I agreed and saw my daughter's entrance in to the world very very graphically - and the image of my beloved's "woo hoo" was certainly coloured by that experience for a while. But - probably before she gave up doing keegle exercises, I was fascinated by it again.
Oh - and when my son was born and the nurses tried the same stunt I pointed out that MY job was to sit there, pat my wife's hand and remind her to breathe and they could darned well just go find someone qualified to hold a leg
Hope I made you smile.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
First of all...you are having surgery. I am sorry, but, I dont care what he is feeling or thinking or if he has PTSD (hate that term...that should be reserved for soldiers who have seen and done the unthinkable). Poor M...not.
Here's the thing. You can think all day long about what he may be feeling or not, and never know...so that's wasted energy right there.
The focus at this moment needs to be on you and your health. Whatever he may or may not be working thru is not your problem...it's his. Leave him to it.
I agree...you are always looking at the other person. You are always worried about whether you are good enough for them. Screw that.
He is either going to figure this out or he isnt. There isnt anything you can say or do that is going to change that.
What has to change is your thinking. You are making yourself crazy trying to figure out what it is and that isnt healthy.
If this all spooks him then he isnt ready for a serious relationship. Nothing to do with you.
You could be perfect...it's still his issue.
So, let this go, G. Let go of the negative thinking. Let go of taking blame. Let go of thinking how it is going to play out and live your life.
I wish I had an edit button for my post - actually a delete. I don't think I got my point across well at all. There are some good points but UR is much more on target. I really need to emphasize from what you've told us - whatever is going on is not because of something you've done. This is not about you - it's totally about him. Now you could make it worse by what you do now, but this is not one if those cases "If" you would have done this or that different, then he'd act differently. Something may be going on inside of him but that's on HIM and not on YOU. Sadly THIS is often dating - especially with people who have been hurt in the past - I swear it's sooooooo much harder. Just please do not beat yourself up. From EVERYTHING I can see and you've said this is not about you!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
