Persistent Endurance (Part 2)

[curtis7]

Text just popped up on her phone she left in the kitchen while I was making the kids dinner:

OM#?: “Sh*t. I have to rain check tonight.”

This after WW spent the past hour in the bathroom beautifying herself.

[SteveLW]

She's probably going to be in a bad mood. Be aware.

[curtis7]

I was reading my journal reflecting on all of W’s catch phrases since BD, here is a compilation that I’m sure many of you have heard, and warning for others, when dealing with the MLC/WW (listed in chronological order):

“I’m not sure we have a starting place to go back to”
“I stepped back to observe us and everything started to crystallize”
“This whole situation thing makes me sad”
“You have to give yourself time too”
“I will be happier if you are out of my life”
“Kids are resilient”
“I thought about saying no when you asked me to marry you”
“I only said yes because I thought that was what family and friends expected of me”
“Separation is the only way I could possibly think differently about you”
“It’s time for me to be selfish”
“Don’t touch me”
“I’m not attracted to you”
“I don’t even like the way you smell”
“I feel trapped, like you’re backing me into a corner”
“Stop being noble by trying to hold on”
“I don’t have regret over the OM, so I don’t care if you heal”
“Don’t trust me!”
“It’s too late, I have no feelings left for you to try and continue”
“I can’t give you what you want”
“I don’t need you”
“I want a divorce”
“I’m going to call a lawyer to discuss my options”
“I’ll just have to fake it”
“I’m not getting any younger and feel like I’m missing out on life”
“My mother died young and I don’t know how much time I have left”
“It’s not you, I’m broken”
“Separation doesn’t mean it’s necessarily over for us”
“I just don’t feel it right now, I’m wasting time, I’m convinced those feelings won’t return.”
“I promise not to see OM, but will not break off all contact with him”
“My skin crawls and anxiety skyrockets around you”
“I feel nothing for you, I’m not angry, I’m just indifferent”
“I don’t have any love left for you”
“I don’t know what to do, I’m so confused”
“I deleted everything associated with OM from my phone”
“I might be a bad person, but I don’t intentionally try to hurt people”
“A smart girl always has a backup plan”
“I want my freedom, I don’t want to have to answer to anyone”
“I just want to be single”
“Just let me go”
“I can’t see the forest for the trees”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves”
“Our marriage is only legal and doesn’t mean anything”
“I am moving out and have no intentions of coming back”
“You didn’t treat me right and didn’t make me feel loved”
“I don’t think I ever loved you”
“I know what I’m doing is unethical and immoral, but you are the cause”
“This is who I really am”

[ovrrnbw]

You're overthinking this big time. I'd focus on that last phrase "this is who I really am" and start believing that bc like most LBSs you think she's the old gal.

Quit paying attention to her a d go do awesome stuff with your life.

[97Hope]

I've heard most of those on the list. In addition to "You don't even know me".."I knew it was a mistake when we got married" and my favorite "I don't want a divorce but I the idea of being married to you anymore is impossible"

It's almost, almost! refreshing to hear the same lines from every WAS/MLC spouse because it kind of helps me realize that it's not just me. I hope that doesn't sound awful but just after BD I thought I was crazy.

I've come to realize, too, that when they talk about the problems, it's a continual moving target. What irritates you about them today, will be something different tomorrow.

To be fair, I lost my head in 2005 and really truly thought I had feeling for another man. I would give anything to not have done that back then. We both went out and dated and it was a nightmare. Looking back, I can see that it wasn't my H. It was alllll me.

Don't know if it helps, but I speak from experience in that the OM disgusts me when I think back on that time in my life, but not near as much as I disgust myself for doing that.

Take care.

[curtis7]

Quit paying attention to her and go do awesome stuff with your life.

O, planning to, just wanted to get those off my chest. I find when I post stuff like that, it’s easier to move on and not let it bother me.

Going to take the kids to the beach tomorrow and planning to go to a March Madness regional with some positive minded male friends on Saturday.

[Ready2Change]

H"No. The last thing I need in my life is another woman to make things even more complicated."

Here is where that statement came from:

Reverse Babble Pattern (Coach)
"I can't trust you" respond "I understand the lack of trust."
"I was ready to come back until this happened" respond "I can see how me knowing what I know would change your plans."
Other wise responses:
"You made me do it" respond "No, I don't control your actions this is your mess."
"We are just friends" respond "Please don't take me for a fool, we both know better."
"You are running around" Respond "No wife, I am actually very focused and another woman is the last thing I want now."
When in doubt say nothing or "I am thinking about what you said."

[Adam04]

Curtis,

Sorry to hear about your sitch and what you're going through. Enjoy the beach with the kids and March Madness sounds fun.

Double down on the GAL, you have way too much negative vibes from the whole list of what she's been saying, to what she is doing, telling her BFF, etc... just way too much.


R2C,

I thought that when it comes to admitting if there is or is not another woman involved, we should keep that quiet and stay the mystery man to keep them guessing from some of the responses I've seen.

I know in my sitch W asked a few times and I chose twice not to be mysterious but up front and let her know point blank I wasn't with someone else. I did feel like I was throwing it in her face one time when I think I said something like I don't need to stoop that low to be with someone else or something like that. I think someone said that was a bit passive aggressive and I have to agree. Nobody likes Mr Self Righteous either.

Thoughts?

[AnotherStander]

I was reading my journal reflecting on all of W’s catch phrases since BD, here is a compilation that I’m sure many of you have heard, and warning for others, when dealing with the MLC/WW (listed in chronological order):

That list is as sad as it is predictable! It's a great reminder of what goes on in the head of a WW though. I think at some level they realize how absurd it all sounds, but at the same time they want to believe they're innocent and it's all the LBS's fault. They can eventually reverse course and sometimes even admit they can't believe themselves that they said that stuff. One WW literally said it was like another person took over her body and was saying and doing things against her will. They don't always come out of the fog like that though.

[Ready2Change]

R2C,I thought that when it comes to admitting if there is or is not another woman involved, we should keep that quiet and stay the mystery man to keep them guessing from some of the responses I've seen.

Coach was very wise. He attracted his wife back. He helped others do the same.

What works for some does not work for others. What does not work for some, my work for others. It is all about being aware of the choices. Everyone has to evaluate their options and pick what they believe will work. Try it for a while, if it works keep doing it. If it doesn't try something else.

I know in my sitch W asked a few times and I chose twice not to be mysterious but up front and let her know point blank I wasn't with someone else. I did feel like I was throwing it in her face one time when I think I said something like I don't need to stoop that low to be with someone else or something like that. I think someone said that was a bit passive aggressive and I have to agree. Nobody likes Mr Self Righteous either.

Look closely how coach worded his response. He speaks the truth. He shows his core values. He is not being passive aggressive.