It sounds as if you handled things very well. As for her email, it is very common for the WW to talk this way right after she sees that her H is not going to fight with her and is willing to set her free. She had some old feelings to rise enough to make her feel conflicted, but not to the degree she is willing to choose her H over her friends.
So, I suggest you not give any weight whatsoever to her email. It is no more than a temp check to see if you will nibble at her bait. If you feel you must respond, then just say, "I agree", and leave it at that. It will hit her hard to see that her little crumb of "torn feelings" is not enough to make you jump to pursue her.
When a woman is really in love with her man, she' ll give up every friend she has for him. He comes first with her. No friend, no GGW nights, ........nothing comes before her man. And, the woman in love will be willing to do most anything to be with her man. In the email, she clearly says she isn't going to change or give up her friends. She experienced some old feelings, but not nearly enough. She's not ready to put her MR first.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Nice insight Sandi. I'm just amazed on how feelings or emotions, regardless of how old or new, can be so indecisive and conflicting. Your right Sandi. It is a crumb of bait on a hook. Otherwise why would she intentionally mention it?
She is saying "I like what I'm seeing enough to reconsider, but I'm indecisive, and confused now with what I should do with it. I like it but its not enough for me, I need more." "So let's use this dynamic to fill out paperwork, and put it on the backburner for now, in case I change my mind again."
It sounds as if you handled things very well. As for her email, it is very common for the WW to talk this way right after she sees that her H is not going to fight with her and is willing to set her free. She had some old feelings to rise enough to make her feel conflicted, but not to the degree she is willing to choose her H over her friends.
So, I suggest you not give any weight whatsoever to her email. It is no more than a temp check to see if you will nibble at her bait. If you feel you must respond, then just say, "I agree", and leave it at that. It will hit her hard to see that her little crumb of "torn feelings" is not enough to make you jump to pursue her.
When a woman is really in love with her man, she' ll give up every friend she has for him. He comes first with her. No friend, no GGW nights, ........nothing comes before her man. And, the woman in love will be willing to do most anything to be with her man. In the email, she clearly says she isn't going to change or give up her friends. She experienced some old feelings, but not nearly enough. She's not ready to put her MR first.
She came back over later that night. I just told her I got the email and I didn’t know what to say and left it at that.
Don't be surprised if she tries to have sex with you. That's always a big temp checking avenue. Don't show any interest. Don't believe anything she says. It's nothing but a test to see how emotionally attached you are to her. The only way the LBH can come out on top is to show he is over her. Your WW is nowhere serious about a "chance".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Don't be surprised if she tries to have sex with you. That's always a big temp checking avenue. Don't show any interest. Don't believe anything she says. It's nothing but a test to see how emotionally attached you are to her. The only way the LBH can come out on top is to show he is over her. Your WW is nowhere serious about a "chance".
LOL. I highly doubt she would try. But if offered it would be a hell no. I have been focusing on me and the kids. Some people don’t believe I have detached but I have been doing a pretty good job detaching for a couple weeks. She came over today to “see” the kids and I just was out in the garage doing some home improvement things. I came into the house and she was just laying in our daughter’s room with no kid around. I went into my room and wrote down all of my assets and debts and gave her the paper. Start of dissolution stuff for me.
Later she was asleep in the spare bedroom when I came back upstairs to do my second workout of the day. She then left and all I said was have fun.
I wrote up more dissolution paperwork today and handed it to her. She said she still needs to look at it. I am just providing the stuff she mentioned in our conversation to her. Showing her I am not getting in the way. I believe she wants to have future conversations like friends would have. I am still doing my avoidance when she is here. She only saw the kids for two hours total today. Maybe a couple hours yesterday too. She mentioned they are just doing their thing and not wanting to hang with her.
I just asked if that meant she was leaving. She said yes and came back to say goodnight. J have been keeping busy doing home improvement projects and doing my workouts. Continuing to focus kn me and the kids. Not letting her moods impact me. I am not her friend or have any relationship with her. I view her as a coparent and nothing more. If she wants to have conversations of life or relationship, that would be reserved when my non negotiable terms are met which are no more OM and no more BFF and we are choosing to work on the MR. if she mentions or talks again about the conversation we just had, j will just be standing firm. Good night all. Best of luck in all of your sitch
Anthony, sounds like you are handling communications quite well. That email she sent, I would just completely disregard it. She is simply throwing you a bone to soften you up during the dissolution negotiations. It is very common for WAS's to do this during S and D to try and get their way. It's far too soon for her to have had a real change of heart. I like Sandi's idea of a very brief response, something like "message received".
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I just told her I got the email and I didn’t know what to say and left it at that.
That's fine, and don't bring it up again. If she does then remind her that she's still pushing to work out dissolution, so you don't think it would be appropriate to discuss reconciling at the same time as working on dissolution (I mean good grief, the irony!)
Anthony, why are you writing up dissolution paperwork? Do you want a D?
I am firm believer that one of the biggest DBing principles is to NOT DO THE DIRTY WORK FOR THE WAS. She was dissolution, then she can do the paperwork and hand it to you.
You working on the paperwork does two things. It lets her off the hook. And it keeps you focused on something you shouldn't be focused on. At all.
And don't fall into the "I am showing her I won't stand in the way by doing the paperwork" trap. There are plenty of ways you can show her that without you doing her dirty work for her.
If you want dissolution, then by all means, be the one to do the work. Otherwise, don't help her leave you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just an update. I am continuing my scarcity around her. I know she mentioned being more communicative to her but I am wanting to continue the detaching and not communicating with her unless it is about the children. I am not her gay friend that will just talk to her about anything and everything (emotional). The emotional attachment would be reserved for when we were working on the MR but that can't happen until my conditions are met (1) no more OM, (2) no more BFF, etc.
So she may eventually want to have another "talk" with me and I will just reiterate those points that I understand she wants open communications but for now, our relationship is only co-parenting. Any other relationship does not exist.
I am continuing working out and GAL. Up and downs every once in a while but the workouts assist me in focusing on me and the children. I understand this is a marathon and takes time. However, I am conflicted right now. Part of me just wants to end the marriage since I feel my self worth is worth more than what she has put me through. I also cannot imagine forgiving her for leaving me in a middle of a date with the OM back in mid February. My worth is too much to deal with this and I am adjusting nicely into this new environment with the limited set back.
Since i have an IC appointment today, I will be talking to them about this and knowing when I am done. I know it may be too early but I have had this feeling for a couple weeks with very little conflicting feelings. I love(d) her but it gets to a point where I am better off moving on. Not sure how others go years into this. I am not willing to do this for years. Hell, I am not willing to do this for many more months. I was in love with this woman and she ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I do not know how people are willing or able to go back to that person after all the hateful, hurtful and sickening things they put the other person through. I acknowledge my shortcomings in the marriage. I have done 180s to fix those. However, I don't feel she will change. If that is the case, I am just holding onto the marriage based on old feelings that may never transpire again. So I guess what I am saying is, I don't know if I want to continue being with this woman who was in my life for 17 years. I am giving it some time to decide but that is the feeling i have had for a few weeks.
So I guess what I am saying is, I don't know if I want to continue being with this woman who was in my life for 17 years. I am giving it some time to decide but that is the feeling i have had for a few weeks.
Don't put pressure on yourself to decide if you want to "continue" being with her. The truth is that you aren't together as man & wife now. You don't want to settle for bosom pals. Time has a way of helping us make decisions. You have made some wonderful improvements......especially not drinking. I think that is marvelous. You may outgrow your W. and discover your feelings do not extend more than caring for her as the mother of your children. On the other hand, the two of you may spend a few years apart and you both heal and find you still love each other.
I don't know if it's the feelings you are trying to let go......or if you are still clinging to hope she'll discover she wants to end her affair and reconcile the MR. I'm glad you know what you would require should that transpire. Realistically, I think she's going to have to be out of the MR and experience life without you. She's got to realize how bad this so-called BFF is for her, and end that relationship once and for all. She's got to figure it out for herself, you can't tell her. I think it is more difficult for women to end their friendships that have that type of influence, than ending their affair. They may give up the OM, but they will choose the BFF over the H. That shows the unhealthy mindset and influence of that whole dynamic. You can't heal her. You can only heal yourself.
Keep growing! ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
