W says, "Screw that, he'll be able to fend for himself...me and daddy will be traveling all over the place."
The good news is that I think you are doing well and just need to keep doing what you are doing. The bad news is the comment above means nothing. It just means that is this is how she feels right now. She feels there is a future for you guys together. That could change tomorrow. Continue to get to a place where your life is great with her but your life would also be great without her.
W says, "Screw that, he'll be able to fend for himself...me and daddy will be traveling all over the place."
The good news is that I think you are doing well and just need to keep doing what you are doing. The bad news is the comment above means nothing. It just means that is this is how she feels right now. She feels there is a future for you guys together. That could change tomorrow. Continue to get to a place where your life is great with her but your life would also be great without her.
This. But also get to a place emotionally where her saying something like this has no effect on you emotionally. And if she said something that was the exact opposite of this it too would have no effect on you emotionally.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
In my situation I was in limbo for about 2 years. I remember one night we were at a fire with friends and my ex mentioned doing something big for my 50th birthday. At the time it was 2 and a half years away. I was so relieved to hear that and it made the rest of my night. Needless to say I was divorced on my 50th birthday (though my ex was the first to text me happy birthday lol).
Like Steve said "you can't let any statements effect you emotionally one way another". I lived that life and being divorced is 100 times better.
Thank you so much for this grounding advice. I will continue to work on myself, being the best version of me (that only a fool would leave), and detaching from the emotion...bad and good!
Much appreciated guys.
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
I'm glad I just read R2C's new quote from the DB forums. Geez am I having a tough day. I just want to yell...WTF are you waiting for????? We have had so many good times recently, our communication is great, we are listening to each other's point of view and discussing the best outcome for everything from what to eat to major parenting decisions. She'll give me one ILY and then seem distant for 2 days. S16 and I go on a weekend trip for his track team. Boy, this is much needed! I feel myself being attached, enmeshed, and needy over the last 24 hours.
To combat this, I've pulled away a little more. Yesterday, that was met with, "Is anything wrong?" So I'm guessing she senses that. I said, not at all, you looked super busy this morning when I got back from dropping the boys, so I just went about my business. While I was in the shower, she came in and started talking to me about her business. I just validated and listened. Then she started crying saying that she was overwhelmed. I simply said, that does sound overwhelming. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. She then asked my opinion on some things. We had a decent evening with very little interaction. Because I realize i am being impatient and needy, I try now to initiate conversation too much...though I will. I feel that she senses that. She's subsequently been a little distant and left the house for a while to run some errands and stop by the coffee shop to get some work done.
We leave tomorrow afternoon. I'm excited! It'll just be me and him, and I need this time away from it all. Sometimes, it feels like I'm just faking it. Sometimes, I'm not sure I want to be with her anymore...though I can't really tell if it is really that I don't want to be with her or I'm just tired of being in limbo. Bad head space day for sure...
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
I've pulled away a little more. Yesterday, that was met with, "Is anything wrong?" So I'm guessing she senses that. I said, not at all, you looked super busy this morning when I got back from dropping the boys, so I just went about my business.
Maybe a different answer next time.
W:"Is anything wrong?" H:"Yes, I would like to get a run in this afternoon, but I am not sure if I will have time because I still have to finish these three projects first bla bla bla"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I get that your tired of being in limbo. I have been there and it's the worst feeling ever.
How do you see yourself no longer being in limbo? What would that look like? What needs to happen for you to say "this is awesome, I am no longer in limo"?
That's a great question LH. One my W has asked in MC. She actually said in therapy, "I don't know what you are looking for...the only this that is missing is sex...and I'm not having sex right now. You know this just makes me feel like we are sweeping everything under the rug and not addressing what's wrong." I didn't argue with her. But that's not it. There is no non-sexual physical affection or emotional closeness in our relationship. That's what makes a romantic relationship/marriage. Now, with that said, I understand where she is and that she needs space to figure out "who she is now that she's no longer the primary caregiver and hometaker." She feels like she's lost who she is and that by my controlling nature, she stopped listening to her internal voice. I can appreciate that she needs space from emotional closeness to figure her own emotional state and what she needs.
In fairness, things have changed greatly...and she's noticed (as have the MC). She just needs time to see that they are permanent and we can "trust us."
Now, as far as limbo is concerned, nothing that I'm doing day to day would change. I would just mentally be freed of the "where does everything stand now." If we went our separate ways, I wouldn't start dating right away, but my mindset would be different going out in public. I also would be doing a lot more night activities with friends. If we ended up reconciling, I would just be free to be myself at home...which includes showing her physical affection, talking to her about things that I don't bring up now, doing activities together, etc.
I think I'm just having a bad day. Everything felt so easy the last week or so. Today I just find myself wondering what she is thinking, what she may want. PATIENCE is so difficult for me. Some days I just want to plan out what I would do should she pull the plug (and I find that exciting). I don't want to be blindsided (that's happened twice before with her)...and that generates fear and anxiety for me.
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
I understand where your coming from but it’s not good to live in fear. I can tell you that I truly believe your W is trying to work on things. It is possible though that your relationship has run its course. Meaning she may have to truly see that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I just want you to know that as long as you keep investing in you that you will be fine either way.
Ok, you guys know I was struggling a little and staying super busy to try and combat the anxiety, etc. Yesterday morning before leaving on the trip with S16, my wife asked to talk. We sat on the bed and she said, I feel like you are pulling out. You are very pleasant around me and you are super supportive and good with the kids, but you pull out and it seems like once a week, you get really anxious. What needs to change? I said, I'm trying my best to support your journey, but sometimes it's really hard because I am in limbo. She said she appreciates that I am in limbo, but that I have to be patient with her. I told her that what she was seeing was my version of patience. She asked how that made me feel. I said sometimes it made me feel like I was Plan B. She asked what would Plan A be then? I said, that's a great point, maybe she was figuring out Plan A. She said that it would be devastating if we didn't work out. She would no longer have a journey if we didn't work out. It would crush the children, she would have to figure out how to simply survive if we split up. I said, that makes me feel like you are sticking this out because you are scared of what a divorce would bring. She said that' not true. She said I love you. We have 20 years with some pretty incredible memories together, we have 3 wonderful and healthy kids together. The best case scenario would be for us to figure ourselves out and then have a happy and healthy relationship together. I agreed. The she asked, "What does the present look like for you to be happy with us now." I answered honestly. I said, I need more emotional connection, I need more signs of affection, whether that be with physical touch or with words, and I need feedback on what's working and what's not working. My changes are new for me and I need to know whether I'm doing it right or now. She said, I can do those things. I said, I want you to trust the fact that those things won't signal to me that we are "back to normal" or that everything is fixed. I said I didn't want any pressure to have sex, that the emotional connection was way more important right now than sex. She again said that she can do those things. She began to tear up a bit. I asked what she was feeling. She said "I'm just emotional right now and reconciling what's in my heart and in my head." I said, this is a very emotional situation and held her hand. I said, I don't want you to feel like you are giving up working on your own journey, you still have that and I didn't want her to feel like she was doing something against her will. She said she doesn't feel that way.
After we hugged and I packed up a bit, she said she thought it would be good to get out of the house to change the scenery. We drove to get a burger. She held my hand for a minute. After a pleasant lunch, we picked up S16 and went to the airport. We told each other ILY, and then parted ways. We spoke on the phone last night and she was very upbeat. I asked about the rest of her day, we had some small talk and then told each other good night. I'm spinning a little. I'm not sure how to feel. There was definitely some discussion on her end about having hope, but unsure what the outcome would be. She also said that she sensed that I thought we gave up on us or stopped working on the R, but she never felt that way. Feels like we are both confused, but are going to give some effort on reconciliation. We have MC a week from Monday (April 1). I am going to avoid talking about it like the plague. I'm guessing I should put more effort into connecting, etc, since that's what she started off by saying, right? Any input would be greatly appreciated!
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
