13 years and 2 kids pt. 5

[Manta]

I'm sorry you're going through this Hurt213. My situation in ways is similar with my WW, however in my case we are physically seperated and we don't have kids. Maybe that's a good thing, as it would have made things very complicated.

Keep strong my friend.

[neffer]

Hurt, you can’t rewrite history but you can learn from it. Lot’s of “what if”s...there’s no need of that.

Keep strong there, detached and facing the future. There’s no rush to be there...enjoy the voyage.

My best wishes for you and your family Hurt.

[Wanted1]

Thank you for the input and thoughts AS.

The weird part about this whole ordeal is not sitting here on my couch by my self. Thats actually quite fine. Kids are sleeping after a great day at their grandparents with easter egg hunting and a nice lunch.

The weird part is doing all of this by my self for the first time. I have these conflicting feelings of her missing out on something that her children really had a blast doing - and thats really what it is, because its just emotions. Logically, I am well aware of why she is not participating, and thats fine. Just getting it down on "paper" here .

I am beat to say the least. My parents love their grandchildren a lot, but aren't exactly poster material when it comes to helping out. Basically they dont exactly "volunteer" to help with the children, and then from time to time, they will make some comment about how much they "take care" of the kids. My sister and I have long given up on that conversation. It just means, that on a day like this, I am all alone feeding, watching, playing and taking care of a 2 and 5 year old, meanwhile I am expected to be interacting in the social setting on par with the rest of them (who by the way are all in relationships, so they can take turns to take care of the kids, and being social at the table) - thats a bit draining, but yea, it is what it is.

I could talk, but my parents or well my mom is, stubborn and only has one perspective on life, her own. My dad, well he is conflict shy, and just pleases my mom, so it wouldn't fly, ever.

Heading to bed soon thats for sure .

Dear God! I feel like I could have written this exact same post. Word for word. Everything is so eerily similar in my circumstance. Down to our mothers. I felt the exact same way yesterday and was so exhausted last night I couldn't function after getting kids to bed. On a positive note, we both made it through and hopefully it will only get better after each holiday passes with this "new normal" we are experiencing. Take care, Hurt!

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So house was reinspected, and new pictures taken, which look really great. I kinda found myself in a covert contract situation, which is a bit funny since I realized it right when it hit me.

So basically my relationship is not salvable at this point in time, and I have just dropped the rope on it, and decided that we are parents at this point in time - thats fine.

I did some maintenance on the house before the pictures and inspection, and spent several hours in fact making everything top tuned, so the rapport would come out clean. It did, and that was nice. However, my ex never once did thank me for the work I put in - and I actually got irritated, and then it hit me - I didn't do this for her, I did this for me, so I can move on with my life - but mentally, I guess a part of me still did it for the "thank you", and that shows me, that there is still work to do.

Everything will be easier once the house sells im sure. We have too many interactions right now for my liking. I am having a tough time figuring her out since she goes cold and warm, and frankly thats just really hard to navigate. Not because I need anything from her, its just one of my 180s, that I want people around me to feel good, and right now I am focusing on telling my self, that its not my responsibility, people have to take control of their own life, and make their own happiness.

When she is cold, she is extremely arrogant, and that happens quite often right now, so that makes talking financials regarding the house a bit annoying - I do however take the highroad, and just let it pass. I see the light of the end of the tunnel.

My kids are, especially D5, reacting now, and wants us to be together as a family. We try our best to tell her the truth when she has questions, but also we keep on making sure she understands, that this is mommy and daddys choice, and not something she or her brother did, or could have changed. Its the only thing that hurts me now, is to see how they are hurting.

So, we got a meeting coming up next wednesday, and then the house goes on the market again. I have been pulling a bit back from things with ex and the kids lately. Mostly, I dont find myself wanting to be around her right now - its not helping me moving on, having an ex, that one minute wants to talk and the next wants to tell me that everything that ever happened in her life, is my fault - I am just not biting any longer.

Enough about that,

Golf tournament this weekend saturday and sunday, and today lifting, cardio, a massage and then a good nights rest before heading to the course tomorrow morning early.

/h

[neffer]

Yes Hurt, you have taken the highroad. Keep walking that road to amoafwl. What you do is for yourself, remember that.

Be there for the kids and go on moving forward. Better times coming.

Thanks for the update. Keep DB!

[Hurt213]

I plan to stay on this road. Being positive despite the struggles, is really proving helpful for me, and its quite intoxicating and gives me energy to just face things head on. I am here now, and need to make the most of it while I am, so I plan on exactly that. Thats not saying its not hard, it is, and I have good and bad days, but my bad days are far between, and are mostly because I have such a heartache for what my kids are going through. Can't change it, but can make the most of it for me and them.

Thanks neffer, you are a star.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

Been a couple of days since my last entry, and I have been doing good. Feel like journaling my thoughts, and what better place to do so, and get some feedback than here..

Whats new regarding me and my ex? Absolutely nothing, she has her life, and I am living mine - it works .

Today we had the sales meeting with the broker, and it went really good. Ex is very very eager to get the house sold, so she can move on with OM, so she wanted to have the biggest advertising package money can buy - This situation doesnt work for me and the kids either, so we decided, that it was the thing to do.

I feel calm and in control when I am around her these days. Its really nice, since I used to be really attentive to her body language, her tone of voice and it was really really stressfull. It all just made me mindread into a lot that probably wasn't even what she was displaying anyways - I like me better this way.

The real estate broker wants to have an open house in the coming weekend and my ex then said, that she was not able to since she was going on a weekend trip with her new boyfriend. I just let it pass, and told the broker, that I would be able to make ends meet, and the open house should be possible (Lets get this house sold shall we!).

I have been 180ing on my NG attitude, and I should had done that a long time ago (Hello Sandi2 with the great advice, that I did not / was not, able to follow at the time) - what does that mean? It basically means that I am at a place now, where its not an "effort" for me, to respond / do things that I want or that benefits me and the kids. I am no longer attached to a feeling of "well how will she take it / respond to me, doing that or this".. Thats deliberating to say the least.

There are some temp checks - at least I think.

She called me 10 minutes before the meeting and asked if she should hold me a parking spot - I kindly declined (I am a big boy, I can find my own parking spot :D) - then at the meeting the broker went for some papers in the printer, and she got a text. She then instantly showed me her phone, and said it was from a colleague and began to blabber about the content - I didn't even know what to say, so I said nothing and just smiled.

She then tried to excuse the fact that she couldn't attend the open house because of her trip to that isle she was going to. I replied: "Thats fine. I've always wanted to go to that isle, sounds great, have a good time!".

After the meeting we walked to the parking lot, and she talked about our kids, and I listened. When we came to her car, she stopped up and turned to me, I guess expecting a hug. I am just fed up, so I just said "Kiss the kids from me, see you" and smiled as I walked off. <--- Rude? I dont really think so - that woman has caused me and my kids so much grief, so I dont really feel like doing anything at all with her.

My current boundary (which she is informed of): I dont want to do things together as a family, because I need to move on with my life - and right now, the way to move on, is to distance myself from this mess and be there for me and my children. That means that she can contact me regarding financials and kids, and everything else is no longer my business.

Cross the boundary? She has a couple of times, and honestly, I dont know what to do about it, can't really do anything I guess. Fact is, I just do not reply to anything not related to the two above mentioned subjects.

Other than that - hoping to get a condo for me and the kids soon. I feel ready to date, and I think I need to get out there in order to really 120% move on with my life. I want to go on trips, go eat nice food, experience new exiting things, and learn about new people - that is what I am going to focus on, as soon as me and the kids are settled in properly, and they are showing signs of being alright in this mess.

Thoughts?

I wanna especially thank some of the people on here, who has been extremely helpful and has aided me in my quest to be a better, stronger and happier Hurt: Ballast, AS, Steve, neffer, LH, sandi, R2c, and most likely I am forgetting some, sorry.

You are all very special people.

[Hurt213]

Update:

So a possible buyer has requested a showing this coming sunday. That is wonderful, and really great if the house sells.

WAW / ex texted me and told be about the past week regarding kids (we switch today) - she told me, that D5 had said that she wants to have a lizard at my new place, and a hamster at her place... I just wrote "Thank you".

She then texted me a long list of all our stuff and told me she had tried to split up things the way she proposed it should be - and I could look it over. I did, and immediately saw, that the list definitely did not reflect anything close to reasonable from an economic perspective. I texted "I think we need to meet up, and go through the house together while we agree on the divide of items - the current list definitely does not work for me."

Basically she wants all the high priced items, and tries to cover it up with giving me a lot of the cheap IKEA stuff, that I really dont have any interest in taking with me anyways. She then wanted me to take our bed to which I replied "I have no intention of bringing our bed with me. We can sell it, if you do not want it either."

I must admit, that I feel like having dropped the rope 95%, but these small things as seeing my kids childhood home in an online sales catalogue, or recieving a list of how all the things we bought together through the past 12 years should just be split in half - it gets me in the feels.... I need to detach further, but just being honest here.

She her self being a child of divorced parents might not struggle with the process - but me, for the most case I am fine, but I guess some things still get to me, more than I want them too.

[neffer]

It´s ok to have those feelings Hurt. It´s about the kids wellbeing, their past and their own feelings. You need to be strong there and put the best face you can in front of them. Reality is reality man. Expect some hard days coming but you know the sun is shining behind the last clouds of the storm.

You are now detached, sailing your own course. Kids on board. You know better times are coming.

Be the lighthouse there, keep shining Hurt.

(((((H)))))

[harvey]

Sounds like you are in a much better place. It's nice to come out the other side stronger.