Midlife crisis wife2

[SteveLW]

I guess the whole don’t believe what they say doesn’t apply to my w. She has never backed down or swayed. This has been the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I feel like she defies all the rules in respect that she has always said what she means. I kept hoping everyone was right and that her dog would be lifted and it never has. She is like a locomotive, once she is in motion she stays in motion. Just very depressed today the reality of my divorce is setting in.

Wolfman, I think you have struggled because you've never trusted the process. Read just about anyone's sitch, mine included! We all thought are situation was unique. Its not. You believe what she says because you want to, not because it is true. Take the kitchen cleaning. Do you think that not cleaning it all that time was to spite you? Or was cleaning the kitchen after you left to spite you? I would argue that latter, not the former. Which means she lied.

Those that struggle the most are those that are impatient and think they have to do something. Whether that is sending a text they shouldn't, or moving out. It can small mistakes, or it can be huge ones. Acting on impulse and doing "SOMETHING" because you "just have to for mental health" will be the undoing of your MR every single time. Being patient, letting the process play out, Focusing on what you can control. Putting your energy in GAL, detachment and 180s. That is the recipe for success.

We bring about that which we fear the most. Ever hear that? You know why that happens? Because people act out of fear and do things that they shouldn't.

Wolf, good luck my friend. I think you should prepare for the worst here. Insulate yourself. And be sure to explore all of your options. There is always hope, she might wake up tomorrow and want to reconcile. But prepare for it as if she is going to see this through to the end.

[AnotherStander]

So I know I have gone against what is advised but I moved out and in with my parents. I just could not stay there anymore. It was destroying my mental health.

Did you tell her you were moving out? Or just leaving to take a break? Because man, I would move back in ASAP. You gave her the house and the kids and left with your tail between your legs. You'll never regain her respect at this rate. I wouldn't be surprised if she moved an OM in at some point, in essence replacing you. I can't imagine that would be good for your mental health, having some OM replace you as father and husband in your own home and bed while you are living with your parents?

I was getting so depressed and I was being taken advantage of.

Yes we've all been there or are currently going through it. Running away isn't the answer though.

What I saw I almost dropped dead, she cleaned the entire kitchen and there was not a single thing on the counters. This has been one of our disputes about cleaning up the kitchen because she would never do it.

Then why didn't you clean it up? Did you think it was her job to clean up the kitchen? She's not your mom.

She said yeah in the past you were always complaining about me doing it which made me not want to do it. Now I did it because I wanted too. Which to me is ridiculous, so you didn’t do it to spite me? Sounds logical.

Have you read the 5LL? You don't get people to do something by complaining about how they don't do it. You fill their "love tank" first, then they WANT to fill yours back. Read the book, I think you'll find it helpful.

Then she said I noticed you have changed too and I said yeah, she said, “it’s only temporary I one changes like that permanently.” I told her when someone goes through something this traumatic people can absolutely change. She said I don’t believe it. Then I said goodbye and left.

Just tell her "yes I can understand why you would think that, it probably seems fake to you. I'm changing for me though, I want to be a better person. So I am committed to sticking with it."

[Wolfman]

There is a lot that happened this weekend for me moving out. I had her followed on Friday to see if she was dating someone else. The person followed her to someone else’s house. They told me the address when I looked it up it was a guy’s name who lives there. 2 problems one I Should HAVE NEVER DONE THAT!! Second the person gave me the wrong address. Her car was actually at her friends house and her friend drove her. She actually went out with her girlfriend. My friends saw her out that night and confirmed she wasn’t with anyone but her friend. Granted I did t know this, all I thought was who’s house is she at. Well 2am rolls around and she still isn’t home. So I text her, late night. And she said she was on her way home. Well I let my emotions get the best of me and said who is the guy you are with. She said what guy. Then I said aren’t you at blank lane? Then she said how do you know that. It turned into a huge argument last night that I had her followed. I basically did everything wrong possible, I know! Honestly I wanted to know because then I wanted to go out and date. Everything I did and my whole way of thinking was wrong and against everything on here.

There is a lot of talk about patience, I tried, I have been at this for 8 months. Granted only Dbing for 2 months but I was using another program for 2 months before. Changing the name but most of you will get it, Fort Mertel. So, it got ugly the environment in the home was real bad. I figured the best thing was to finally move out. And yes my situation is unique. How many of your spouses when they get mad at someone “write” them off and never speak to them again? My w has done that with her very close aunt, cousin who is the god mother of our daughter, 2 dozen friends, doesn’t speak to one of bridesmaids anymore, doesn’t get along with a single person at her job. She is super stubborn and just takes people out of her life without a care in the world. Shoot, half of the school functions for my kids I don’t talk to half the parents because she has had fights with them. She is very cold and unforgiving, I just never thought she would be like that with me. So, tell me what to do? I already moved out. She is going to buy me out shortly anyway. So, soon the house will no longer be mine. One of our mutual friends said she was happy that I finally moved out. This all hurts so much, the loss of a wife, kids, home, and family dreams!!! Sorry for making this long and especially sorry that I definitely did not follow DBing.

[SteveLW]

Wolf, I won't repeat what I wrote. But this last post cements everything I said. You know it. My concern is that you are going to look back with lots of regrets. The beauty of DBing is that it lets you move forward without any regrets.

Also, to answer your question, my W is exactly the way you describe. Worse, she goes out of her way to never have to interact with them again. So not only would my W have written off the other parents, but she would refuse to go to the school due to not wanting to even see them.

Wolf, we all use "our spouse is unique" as an excuse. Those that succeed are those that realize none of that matters.

P.S. You are unique to. IE, she can try to write you off but you will always be her kids' dad.

[Wolfman]

From my mistakes and now moving out. Have you ever heard of anyone reconciling? I hate that I made these mistakes I love my w and kids more than anything. I will get refocused on Dbing, even though it’s proabb too late. Besides the GAL, 180 and detaching, anything else? I just feel so lost. Thank you everyone, I appreciate it.

I sent my w just apologizing again for my behavior this weekend. Even though I did apologize to her. She just responded back, thanking me for apologizing and that she is having a real hard time today. From my pros on here, do I respond and if so how? I will follow everyone’s advice to a “t” for now on before I do anything!!

[SteveLW]

Wolfman,

AS suggested moving back in. Something you are willing to do?

Wolfman, general advice in DBing is: Do what works, don't do what doesn't work. You know your sitch best. Maybe moving out was best? Generally it is not unless court ordered to do so or if the environment is not safe.

It is never too late! Just start DBing from this point forward. Focus on controlling what you can.....

[LH19]

W,

You have to do the work you can’t take shortcuts. Last question you just asked is DB 101 you validate her feelings. You have a lot of work to do my friend if you want another chance with her. You need to become independent. A man does not ask his W for gas money and have his mother in law manage his finances. Step 1 make a plan to become finically independent.

[Wolfman]

I don’t think moving in will be a good thing. I know it’s still my house but the environment between us is horrible. At one point she threatened me with a restraining order because I had her followed. I think I have to do this from afar. She just emailed the mediator that she’s wants to know what the next step we need to take with our divorce. I am so confused and torn. Everyone on here says to move back in, all my friends said I should have moved out a while ago so she could start to see what reality will be like. They say that because they know that I did everything in the house( cleaning, food shopping, all the bills, garbage, cooking half the time, making the kids lunch, doing their homework, taking them to activities, and taking care of the dogs) I don’t want her back either for me to be the servant again but she didn’t realize everything I did and took me for granted too. Can I DB from afar? Or do I have to be back in the house? Please advise.

[SteveLW]

Wolf, you can DB from afar. But what we are telling you is that attraction is closely linked to respect. Respect is commanded not demanded. You should be the king of your castle. The king doesn't command respect by giving up his castle.

So whatever you decide, DB. Stop being desperate. No one finds desperation attractive. So stop doing things that make you look desperate. (Having her followed, etc.) Start thinking about what a man only a fool would leave looks like, and become that man. You may save your marriage. You may not. But I guarantee you will save yourself.

[SteveLW]

P.S. On your friends. Remember that your friends and family have one priority: to stop your pain. It hurts them to see you hurting. So they will give you shortsighted advice to try to get you out of pain. If you were moved out, and struggling, and they felt moving back in would ease that....guess what they would tell you to do?

The problem is they are too close to the problem to be objective. Objectivity is what you need advice from, not subjectivity. Notice, even their advice was to try to engender change in her. That is control. You should never take an action in the name of trying to control her. It will backfire every time. (For example, her cleaning the kitchen.)