I agree with Sandi about not going back to MBR yet.
I believe you need to understand how to give a true apology for your past actions. I have a great template I will look for and post if I can find it.
After the first "Full" apology, a wise man will keeps apologizing every time a woman brings it up. He keeps it short, but sincere. "Yes, I am sorry. What I did was wrong. I did not mean to hurt you." Then he shuts up.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I agree with Sandi about not going back to MBR yet.
I agree.. I was planning to wait a while. After all, I deserve it. I've been in the guest bedroom now for 21 days...and i totally deserve it.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
I believe you need to understand how to give a true apology for your past actions. I have a great template I will look for and post if I can find it.
Please share if you find it. I have already done so many "full" apologies.. to her and to her parents. Now I'm not brining the subject up or starting any conversation around our relationship, begging, pleading, etc... I got myself out of my depression (lasted 3 weeks) and now I'm being normal, happy, seeing a therapist, and getting a life/making friends (to be less dependent on). I'm dealing with the things i can control: my issues, my mental health, my confidence, my full dependency on her and the fact that i dont have friends here (all sticky points around the main point that is my infidelity)
They are correct in saying she'll be mad, if you go back to sleeping in your bed with her. If she were the wayward spouse, I'd say "tough", and go ahead and do it. But here's the thing. She's already very leery of you getting the idea she's ready to make up with you. She's not ready to forgive you. She's asked for some space. And, as a woman, if my WH suddenly started acting as if he was happy and upbeat, and then decided to come sleep in the marital bed......I would think this man feels like everything is going back to normal, so I have to prove to him just how wrong he is.
I agree with you that she is mad, not ready to forgive and probably teaching me a lesson. I am giving her as much space as she wants. Not initiating conversations/texts/calls, getting a life (something I didnt have since i moved here), etc.. Are you suggesting i dont act happy and upbeat? When i was down, she mentioned it to me "you're being in high qnxiety mode, you're not eating, not sleeping, and I'm managing you to survive".. That was my wake up call on Friday, plus reading this forum about how important taking care of myself is... plus I can't go back to that hole that I was in....for my own good sake... What do you think about me being "the normal me"?
I did STOP, everything. I'm working on myself, cut the bad behavior...everything..
Excellent. Just stick with it, like I said before at first she will think it is all just tricks to get her back. If she asks why you've changed tell her you realize your behavior was inappropriate and you want to be a better person. IE, you are doing it as self-improvement, not because you're trying to impress her.
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it's true, and that's why I'm here and asking for help. I dont want to lose her... I love her, and i made a mistake that i regret..
Just keep working on your changes and giving her time and space. Be patient, this is going to take a while! She may never trust you like before, but that doesn't mean you can't still have a good R with her.
So are you saying your W initiated the threesome? I'm not trying to pry into that too much but since it seemed to be a turning point in the M I'm trying to figure out why she is/was so upset about it. Basically I'm trying to find out if this was something she felt she was doing against her will. It's not a taboo subject here, there have been similar issues covered here in the past.
I think she's just saying don't overdo it. Your W feels there is something seriously wrong in the M and she won't be receptive to you acting like nothing is wrong. Your W knows you're hurting, you don't want to try to wallpaper that with happiness because it will just look fake to her. Just be yourself. Don't mope around but don't go throwing parties either. DB'ing is all about striking a balance.
So are you saying your W initiated the threesome? I'm not trying to pry into that too much but since it seemed to be a turning point in the M I'm trying to figure out why she is/was so upset about it. Basically I'm trying to find out if this was something she felt she was doing against her will. It's not a taboo subject here, there have been similar issues covered here in the past.
My W is/was bicurious (before the threesome). She always made out with women in clubs, in front of me... and always had a thing to have sex with another woman which I told her she can do ALONE if she wants... The threesome girl: my W was making out with her, all 3 of us dirty danced in the club, she came back with us, i had no idea why she was in the taxi with us, and they were in the back seat making out. The threesome was a disaster because my W got jealous that I was having sex with/giving attention to that girl in front of her, and she stopped. I didn't realize she stopped (i was so confused/got caught up in the moment). My W basically watched me have sex with that girl. I thought she liked that (watching). Confused/drunk. That's the turning point.
I'm sorry if all of this is TMI. But I seriously regret it all. I love her and want us to build something new. She mentioned the foundation of the marriage are destroyed.. but on friday during (the last) discussion about the R/problem, she said there is a slight slight slight small chance this would work. So I'm grabing that small chance and won't let it go. And i don't want to mess up.
Please share if you find it. I have already done so many "full" apologies..
Gain Forgiveness Pattern-Minimize damage (“Make peace with anyone” by Lieberman p82)
Apologize (I am sorry...) depersonalize (place action in larger context) shift intentions (I was trying...) solidify commitment to change (take concrete steps to assure no repeats) restore balance (put energy into relationship)
Example” I am very sorry I put a dent in your car. Nothing was going right that day. I didn’t want to give it to the valet because I know how much you love your car. So when I parked it myself on the street, that’s when it got hit. I’ve already called several places and got quotes. I’ll take care of it anyway you want. You can either give me the insurance information or I can give you the quotes. I am also going to have them detail the entire car so it will look like new. That’s on me. I feel so badly about this happening.”
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
We had a very very calm discussion last night, about the relationship. First discussion that didn't end with a fight, first time where she shows sadness and not anger.
She still thinks there is no way out of this. Her feelings "switch between anger and sadness" and is clearly unhappy/sad about the situation. She mentioned she is heartbroken, sad, crying, not functioning well, etc.
Throughout the discussion, I was very calm (usually I get into a defensive/begging/crying mode). I acknowledged and validated her sadness (i truly did).
Is it a good idea to go out with the networking group/the only friend I have here to dance/party? when I mentioned that I don't think going out to party is helpful and that I will cancel, she got mad at me and asked me to go.
Is your only friend female? If so, then the answer is no. Should you go out dancing and partying? No, not without your W.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
