Midlife crisis wife2

[Ready2Change]

How many of your spouses when they get mad at someone “write” them off and never speak to them again?

Mine did.

[Ready2Change]

. She just responded back, thanking me for apologizing and that she is having a real hard time today. From my pros on here, do I respond and if so how?

W:"H, blabla hard time today bla bla"
H:"I understand. I am sorry to hear that." and possibly add this "Is there anything I can do?"

[Ready2Change]

I sent my w just apologizing again for my behavior this weekend.

Was it a full apology:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2843321#Post2843321

[Ready2Change]

What is your parenting arrangement?

This answer to this questions is a key factor in giving you advise on moving back in or not. Please calrify your parenting agreement. Is is in writing?


Also, did you pack up all your things and move our, or just leave?

[AnotherStander]

I had her followed on Friday to see if she was dating someone else. The person followed her to someone else’s house. They told me the address when I looked it up it was a guy’s name who lives there. 2 problems one I Should HAVE NEVER DONE THAT!! Second the person gave me the wrong address. Her car was actually at her friends house and her friend drove her. She actually went out with her girlfriend. My friends saw her out that night and confirmed she wasn’t with anyone but her friend. Granted I did t know this, all I thought was who’s house is she at. Well 2am rolls around and she still isn’t home. So I text her, late night. And she said she was on her way home. Well I let my emotions get the best of me and said who is the guy you are with. She said what guy. Then I said aren’t you at blank lane?

Whew! OK let's reel you back in Wolfie! Please just step back and stop. I know you feel like you need to be doing something, anything. But in DB'ing, often no action is the best action. DB'ing is hard because is is counter-intuitive, it is stopping yourself from doing the things you "feel" like you should do. It is fighting your human nature. The things your instincts are telling you to do are all wrong and will do more damage to your situation. I know it's hard to listen to the advice but you really need to try to because it is your best chance of saving yourself, and then maybe your M.

There is a lot of talk about patience, I tried, I have been at this for 8 months. Granted only Dbing for 2 months but I was using another program for 2 months before.

This isn't about trying Plan A for x months, and then Plan B and so on until something works. It's about leaving your W alone and changing YOU. The very fact that you can't stick with a plan is evidence that you are just desperately trying to do this to win your W back. It's all just tricks rather than any meaningful effort to change yourself. And tricks never work with a WAS, they see right through them.

The beauty of DBing is that it lets you move forward without any regrets.

Exactly, and when you DB properly you save YOURSELF, so you win whether the M is saved or not.

Wolf, we all use "our spouse is unique" as an excuse. Those that succeed are those that realize none of that matters.

Yes almost every time we hear this "she is unique" comment it's because the LBS is trying to justify non-DB behavior.

You have to do the work you can’t take shortcuts. Last question you just asked is DB 101 you validate her feelings. You have a lot of work to do my friend if you want another chance with her. You need to become independent. A man does not ask his W for gas money and have his mother in law manage his finances. Step 1 make a plan to become finically independent.

^^^AMEN!^^^

Wolf, you can DB from afar. But what we are telling you is that attraction is closely linked to respect. Respect is commanded not demanded. You should be the king of your castle. The king doesn't command respect by giving up his castle.

So whatever you decide, DB. Stop being desperate. No one finds desperation attractive. So stop doing things that make you look desperate. (Having her followed, etc.) Start thinking about what a man only a fool would leave looks like, and become that man. You may save your marriage. You may not. But I guarantee you will save yourself.

Also spot on.

[Wolfman]

We did a parenting arrangement at mediation. Neither of us remember but we will be going by it soon. I moved out some of my clothes that’s it. I hear what all of you are saying about moving back in. But the first time I did I got nothing but venom and aggression from her and her saying that was me be controlling because I decided to move back in with out her agreeing. I know she doesn’t have to agree it’s my house too (for now). Tell me if I am wrong, doesn’t she have to start to feel the loss of me there, since I did everything? I want to do what works. I just feel like for me to move out and 2 days later move back. I don’t know I am confused, this is why I am here. I have never dealt with divorce, no one in my family is divorced and none of my friends are.

[SteveLW]

She can feel a sense of loss with you living there: GAL and detachment.

Believe nothing they say and half of what she does. Her saying it is you being controlling is her being controlling.

My main concern is that she will use it against you in court as abandonment.

[TBSakaJ9]

There was a guy on here back in 2017 I can't remember his name but he moved out of his house and his wife at the time moved her BF in. He would return to his home and drop his kids off at his house with the BF living there. That would be a kick in the nutz. What would you rather face?

[Wolfman]

Quick question can someone explain the difference between command and demand? You say command respect explain how?

You guys are building me up to move back in. Is it even worth it if she is buying me out soon?

[TBSakaJ9]

You command respect through your actions not your words. Are the actions you take the actions of a man that respects and values himself?

The desire to save yourself has to be greater than your desire to save your marriage.