"DB squashed bc I broke trust or did I finally get to the bottom of why it is just a plain no go from her working on the marriage?"
What trust was squashed? If you are suggesting you squashed trust by snooping, stop that. What's worse, carrying on an inappropriate relationship with someone else, or snooping on a spouse's phone?
Maybe you did get to the bottom, maybe you didn't. This is why snooping is generally frowned upon because it leads to more questions than answers.
That leads into my thoughts:
The problem with snooping, and especially getting caught snooping, is all you did was to train her to take her inappropriate messages deeper underground. To take be more stealthy about what she does and who she does it with. I remember our first MC session last year, I mentioned to the C that full transparency was important to me. She was opposed, especially at that point in our sitch. And then she said something that has stuck with me: "The truth always has a way of presenting itself. If she is doing something inappropriate it will eventually come to light."
My W was sitting right next to me when the MC said that.
Snooping hurts you more than it hurts her. WWs will always have a 100 explanations and rationalizations. You could find them in bed with 3 other guys, and they would either rationalize or explain it away. Plus they can play on your desire to believe them to gaslight you. "He didn't say that!" "Are you sure that was the right day and time for that message?" "I think he was talking about something that happened at the office, not you."
Snooping rarely gets you anywhere. True, some will advocate for it early on in the name of "recon", but Choppy your experience is a perfect example. Your instincts for this are a better indicator than your "recon" in this instance.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes what Steve said. Snooping just exposes a bunch of confusing messages that you don't know how to interpret. Is it an affair? Or just two friends talking, or even coworkers talking? Who knows. And now that you told her you checked her phone you can bet she'll have that thing glued to her side now and will be even more diligent about covering her tracks. So in summary, you know nothing at all new and now she trusts you even less. Lose-lose. Don't snoop anymore.
So should I just straight up ask to see her phone? Or should I submit a Open Records request bc its a government phone?
From what I know about the Signal app, it leaves no footprints. If you ask to see her phone you will see nothing unless there's an unread message or two that came in since she last logged on. If you request records you will find nothing at all. Jimmy if you are dying to know if she's having an A then hire a PI. It sounds like she's already pretty deep undercover, you're unlikely to find anything out through snooping.
Right now she is at her parents house down the road with the boys bc she developed a lung infection and has a chest tube to a draining box to measure the outflow. She need to be in a recliner and have special food for a bit.
I could also OPRA the gps in her work vehicle. Our truck which she drives around town sticks out like a sore thumb so taking that anywhere near his house would be a bad / weird idea.
She is out of work for another week or two and plays Words with friends with me non-stop yet Friday night at her moms house watching movies with the boys she texts me b4 coming over to not sit next to her or think we are a couple bc this is unfixable.
I think she did something and is trying to make me out to be the bad guy or frustrate me enough to proceed and start paperwork which I will not do. She also mentioned that when she heals she would like to move back into our house but only if i'm gone or we split the week where she would go to her parents house which is close and I would go to my parents which is a half an hour further away from work and friends.
