I hear what all of you are saying about moving back in. But the first time I did I got nothing but venom and aggression from her and her saying that was me be controlling because I decided to move back in with out her agreeing.
You would get the same this time. One thing you have to understand is right now, nothing you say or do is going to appease her. Her mindset right now is she doesn't like you and may even hate you. You probably repulse her. That's just how WAS's feel about the LBS when they are in the thickest part of the fog.
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Tell me if I am wrong, doesn’t she have to start to feel the loss of me there, since I did everything?
Women don't place high value on a man that cooks and cleans. Sure if he's a man in every other way and ALSO cooks and cleans then that's a bonus. But she probably enjoys being able to cook and clean at her leisure without worrying about you hassling her about not carrying her weight (per your previous comment).
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I want to do what works. I just feel like for me to move out and 2 days later move back.
You're still stuck in the mode where you are worried about how every little thing you do will impact her. You've got to quit living for her responses and start living for YOU. So what do YOU want. Do you want to stay away? Then fine, do so. Do you want to go back? Then go back. Neither move is going to particularly help or hurt your marriage at this point. The whole deal with having her followed has set you back so far that frankly you are well beyond damage control.
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
There was a guy on here back in 2017 I can't remember his name but he moved out of his house and his wife at the time moved her BF in. He would return to his home and drop his kids off at his house with the BF living there. That would be a kick in the nutz. What would you rather face?
Yes and he's not the only one here that has been in that situation. He felt quite strongly that he had to leave for his own sanity, and in his case that was probably best. But yeah, being "replaced" like that would have been way worse for me than staying. It's something we each have to ask ourselves.
But the first time I did I got nothing but venom and aggression from her and her saying that was me be controlling because I decided to move back in with out her agreeing.
As the man, you have to be able to "Handle" her venom. (I am assume venom = verbal attack). By aggression, was it just verbal or was she physical?
Your roll as the man is to protect your wife and family. How are you going to protect her when you can't even stand up to her? This is part of the gaining respect.
during mediation, it sounds like you agreed to move out. If I was in your shoes, I would come up with a plan and execute the plan.
I don't think living with your parents is your long term plan. You need a place setup for you and the kids. I would go back to YOUR house. Unless you believe your wife will physically harm you.
W:"WFT, you moved out bla bla bla bla" H:"I decided it is best that I stay here until we both have our places setup for the kids." W:"Bla bla bla bla" H:"I undertand you feel that way" W"Bla bla bla"
Keep validating.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Interesting turn of events today. We just found out in order for my W to buy me out she would have to refinance the home. Which means she would have to pay closing costs and get a much higher rate. Now she won’t be able to afford our home on her own. So, we are going to have to sell the home and unfortunately for my children move them out of their school. She just thought life was going to be nice and easy with divorce. That getting rid of me was going to solve all her problems. I guess this is typical for a WAS to act before thinking of what the consequences might be. I don’t wish bad on her but I did so much for the family that I kinda sheltered her from a lot of reality. Now that she has to take it head on by herself she is getting frustrated. Her response when she found this out was, “[censored] for me” I would like to believe no it [censored] for the children what you are doing. When she said that though text I validated her, I said, “I see how that can be frustrating.”
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Wolf, hang in there and keep DBing. One of the big wakeups for my WW was when I told her we would be selling the house and splitting the equity. She had this in her mind that she would get an apartment and that I would stay in the house so my daughter had continuity there.
So keep DBing, maybe this or some more doses of reality will wake her up. Maybe it won't. Always be DBing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve and anyone else. How do you know when they are “waking up” or the “fog” is starting to lift? Is it something they say or do. Is it very gradual or is like almost overnight? Steve I would love to know more about your situation since you say that ours was similar. Thanks
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Steve and anyone else. How do you know when they are “waking up” or the “fog” is starting to lift? Is it something they say or do. Is it very gradual or is like almost overnight? Steve I would love to know more about your situation since you say that ours was similar. Thanks
Wolfman, you will never know if she is starting to wake up or the fog starts to lift. She will work very hard to hide that even if it starts happening. We routinely say that when you will know something is if and when she is ready to commit back to the marriage.
This is actualy a good thing because so many LBSs make the mistake of reacting too quickly to a WAS MAYBE kinda sorta waking up. That is the worst thing you can do. She will let you know once she is really ready to come back.
