I am leaning toward the idea of not bringing up D at all with the in-laws, but responding if they raise it. FIL may never bring it up. MIL probably will. I'll let you know if/what is said, could be of some interest to the board.
If the rope is still in my hands, it is very very loosely so. I feel like my emotional scales have tipped in favor of moving on. I am beginning to look on the internet at houses to buy or rent in my town, and find myself daydreaming about being free from W and all the silver linings that come along with freedom. I find that I really am not imagining a future with W at this point. The concern that she may be in a EA/PA has pretty much faded away. I am thinking almost entirely of myself, the kids, and what our new life is going to be, and what is going on with W is not of much concern at all.
I am cordial but not initiating conversations, and my responses are usually short and to the point. I end conversations first. I am always busy busy busy (Steve85) - not a stretch for me, always have been, no sitting around. GAL remains in full swing. I go out with friends several nights a week, work OT several nights and hit the gym several nights (after the kids are down). It's great.
Just met with my L, and we are on the same page about how I will be proceeding. W is going to have file for D, and then I will take the lead on custody agreement and financial terms. I am going to drive that bus.
I also scheduled a meeting with my accountant next week to discuss the impact of D and how settlement terms might impact my taxes. I need to know what moves to make and what to avoid.
I have already taken an inventory of all household property so we can discuss division and buy-outs.
This is primarily a business deal for me at this point. Can't lie that yes there is some level of emotion still there, but I am 6 months BD and zero spinning going on. Once I got through telling the kids many weeks ago, it was like turning a page. The next big emotional hurdle is getting the kids accustomed to 2 homes, but until then, it's just business.
Am I detached and has the rope been dropped? Pretty doggone close. A recent long conversation with my dad helped. He described W as "toxic". He said his own W would not be that kind when describing my W. Is it strange that I feel a punch in the gut whenever I hear others confirm my take on my W's issues? It's also a feeling of relief. It's a strange combo of feelings. Bittersweet to an extent.
Last week was the first time since BD that W said she was going out to dinner with "some friends". I said that's fine I love a daddy night with the kids. Didn't ask with who or where she was going, or when she'd be back. She left at 6 and was home at 10:30 - I was already in bed. Next morning, I didn't mention a word about her dinner - just made the kids breakfast and shuttled them off to school. Was she on a "date"? Who knows. Do I care? On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being "I am freaking out she is definitely cheating!!", I am an honest 2. Feels great to be at 2, on my way to 0 or as close as I can get.
So far I have been a very good boy and am avoiding OW. Can't lie, OW are on my mind quite a bit, and my town and the next 2 towns over are stocked with beautiful women. All in due time.
I thought a few weeks ago, "am I done DBing? I am moving on, dropping the rope, I don't care anymore, IDGAF, I'm beyond GAL I HAVE a life, I don't want a R with this person as she is now." Then I realized that with this attitude, maybe I am DBing at an even higher level now.
So the W's L just mailed me the D papers, they have been filed, so it's officially underway. My L is going to file the response. We are still planning to go to mediation.
I am still working on drafting up my terms for custody. Hopefully we can come to terms. Regarding the house, W's parents are going to give her the $$ to buy me out, it's just a matter of the price. I have always watched the market in our area and have a very good idea about value. The house is at least "average" and I therefore have average the last year's worth of houses of similar size and want that to be the basis for the buyout. It's a tract housing development so comps are good. I can tell already W is going to try and lowball me, she does nothing but point out every nick and blemish the house has, "it just needs SOOOO much work..."
Much as I love the house and neighborhood, I have come to terms with the fact that I am not going to keep it. After getting to that point, I thought I would rent a similar house in the neighborhood, but rents are crazy high and I don't want to do that to myself either. I have decided to find a condo close by, there are a few communities within 10 minutes that are pretty nice and would be $750-$1,000/mo. less than a bigger house in my neighborhood. I'll need to downsize by about 1200 sq. ft. and lose the yard and privacy factor, but the kids will still have their own rooms, a community pool, same area and schools, and after a few years of renting I will have saved $20K over renting a bigger place.
The four big downsides I am feeling these days are 1) sadness for the kids/prepping for the kid custody shuffle; 2) downsizing the size and quality of my home; 3) renting instead of owning and therefore not immediately setting up a new long term house for the kids and me; and 4) finances - money will be much tighter due to maintaining two households.
Emotionally I am pretty rock solid and honestly looking forward to getting out of the house and on my own again. As my thread title suggests I am not without fault, but through IC I continue to learn that much of my actions were pretty standard responsive/reactive things to W's harsh, abrasive commentary/criticism, micromanagement and control issues, and high strung nature. IC says the toxicity dance of our R is behavioral science 101, it's a script she has seen play out in many M's. My W works in a competitive, male dominated profession, and she exudes some masculine energy that she doesn't leave at the office, and that is another big part of the problem.
I'm still IHS, probably for another few months. I am pretty much all business with the W but very present and emotive with the kids. No overt drama or arguments happening. I am cordial with W but cool, not warm, like a I said pretty much businesslike and to the point. Yes I could be warmer, maybe should be, but at this point I want space, I want out of the IHS, I want my $$ out of the house and I want to get into the reality of an actual physical separation. I want to turn the page and move on, and W appears to be sensing this very well. She recently commented "I know you don't like me and just want out, but blah blah..." I said "you came to me and told me ILYBINILWY and you wanted a D, so that's what's happening, that's all."
I got a supportive text from a female friend in my circle of friends who just heard about the D, she is also D'd, she is very cute, sexy and fun, and therefore very dangerous to me at this stage....She suggested we get together for a drink and that she is there for me whenever I want to talk. I have purposefully not disclosed the D at my office due to the number of very good looking women in my industry who will provide even more temptation if they knew the sitch. Trying to keep my wits about me until I can get out of the house and into my own space. Even then I plan to tread carefully at first, but I am very much looking forward to being unencumbered. I'm guessing there will be lonely and depressive moments that will hit me, but hopefully not too hard. Hopefully I am not overestimating the positives of the dating world I am about to re-enter. I guess we'll see about that this summer.
Keep you guys posted, love this place, the ability to post is so beneficial.
Thanks R2C. W hasn’t provided much intimacy for a long time, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The sense of upcoming liberation is incredible. I’m sure W feels the same way, but I don’t care. On a scale of 1-10 that bothers me at a 2. It’s all about me being freed up to interact with women who want to be around me, and quality time with the kids without the W. Can’t wait, even though I know some sad shyt will be mixed in too.
Gekko, sounds like you are handling things well, it's expected that you're feeling a little down, that's part of it!
Regarding the home and your thoughts that W will lowball you, I kept our house and as part of the D had to get an appraisal done. I think it cost around 250 bucks. An independent appraiser will review your house inside and out and note any deficiencies in a report. They will then review comps in the neighborhood and prepare an official report with pics of the house, pics of the comps, condition description, etc. And that report will assign a dollar value to the house. That appraisal became part of the D decree and settlement described in the D. At that point there's really nothing left to argue!
My L is drawing up the response to the W's petition for divorce. Should be filed within about a week.
I believe W still wants to mediate but she has not responded to my last text about choosing a mediator - I found one who is much cheaper than the one she suggested and with good reviews.
I gave W a written list of custody terms and am waiting for a response.
I proposed a home value to W to base the buy-out on. Her cousin (lives out of town) is a realtor and I think she gave W an idea about what the property is worth and I'm guessing W doesn't like the number (too high). I know W spoke with her a week ago to talk numbers but W has not told me anything. If her cousin gave her a low number, W would have run to me with it and said "see, I told you!" So now she is wondering what to do.
I think she is afraid of an appraisal now as houses have been hitting all time highs in my town as there just isn't much selection and its a great area. I spoke to a buddy of mine across the country who is an appraiser and who has been to the house a few years ago and he gave me an informal number that is almost identical to my number and the number that a real estate agent gave me. I'm concerned about putting all my eggs in one appraiser's basket so my number is based on a realtor, an informal appraisal, average sales prices over the last 6 months and current list prices. So a lot of data all averaged together.
I did find a condo that came up for rent that is about 10 minutes away from my house, and I put down a deposit. It is not available until summer but inventory is very low in my town and I just jumped on it. I want to get to a written settlement with W before I move out but even if I don't I think I will still move. I know the recommendation on not moving out until a deal is in place but man am I ready. I don't see how it will hurt me as I am not keeping the house, won't be paying a dime into the house and I am getting 50/50 custody for sure as the law is rock solid in my state. Need to talk more with my L about the move but would appreciate any input from the vets and the board, thanks.
GAL is going good but again this was never an issue. I am currently planning summer and fall travels, a few trips with the kids and a few for me with some friends. Part of my ramped up GAL is to start hitting some places I have wanted to see but haven't been there yet, bucket list type stuff, starting with mostly domestic locations. Can't wait.
It seems like a lifetime since I have had a R talk with W and I have never pursued, begged or pleaded other than the evening of BD where I said we should get into counseling, but W said too little too late. I can tell you it feels so good to have taken that path and the no R talks lately has also been great. We have a joint business, raising the kids, and its all business for me with minimal small talk and just basic pleasantries - "hi, how are you?", "well, goodnight" type stuff.
W has made a few comments such as "I know you don't like me very much, but can you do X" I didn't have a great response to first part, so I just say "sure" to the second part. Any ideas on how to deal with the first part? When in doubt I just ignore that kind of stuff, and i'm happy to keep going with that strategy. I'm not looking to get into that discussion right now, unless I am missing the boat on something, do tell vets, thanks.
Overall a sad sitch to be in a D but I am pretty upbeat and ready for the transition. I know this is a marathon situation and the dynamic will change radically when I'm out of the house, and I look forward to that. I will NEVER pursue W, it doesn't even cross my mind to be honest. There may be a time down the road when an R talk happens but it is also something I really don't think about. I just want to get my $$ out of the house, lock down a custody agreement, set up a new home, gets the kids settled and move on, turn the page and enjoy what the future will bring.
Making incremental progress toward settlement with W. Might have a sticking point with the custody schedule I proposed (3-4-4-3) as W and I both want to have the kids on the same days. My suggested solution is that W gets the desired days for the first half of the year, and then we flip for the second half of the year and I get those days. Figure that is as fair as it gets, but W is resisting - she wants the days she wants and does not want a switch at 6 months. More to develop this week....
Life has been busy with OT at work, lots of kids sports and activities, time at the gym, and drinks out with friends. Interaction is still somewhat curt with W but she has toned down the snide commentary a bit which is nice. She is grappling with some frustration that I am not caving to her wants regarding home value for the buyout and the custody schedule, and she has lashed out several times, and I am as cool and matter of fact as can be in response.
Never get sucked into an emotional debate with the W, let her rant, threaten, stomp her feet, etc etc. It's sounds like Charlie Brown's schoolteacher to me. Never fear what W will do - in fact don't fear anything. Accept what is happening, DB, GAL, stay calm, cool and in control at all times. Sure there will be times when the emotion starts bubbling up inside, but keep it there. Vent to a friend or IC if need be. W doesn't control you, you control you. Who cares if she gets upset? She wants a D, this is a D. But don't be vindictive, be fair and reasonable, know when to compromise and when to hold firm. These are some of my many mantras as I navigate my sitch.
So I think many of us are in the same boat with Mothers Day looming - what to do? A recap of my sitch - W has filed for D, we are currently IHS, I am hoping to move within a month or so. My view is that I will get her a card from both kids and something small from each kid, and that's it. Not planning anything as a family for the day - no brunch, no nothing. She can go do something with the kids if she wants.
