Taking flight. (Phoenix9 DBXIII)

[Phoenix9]

(((Everyone)))

I've had a very busy month full of new learning experiences and sustained growth. But first:

RotG Day 7

Mission 1: Complete

Mission 2::Complete.The opener pertained to photography. Do you prefer prints in color or B&W?

Mission 3:: Complete.

[u]Mission 4:

I: First approach was successful. I went up to a young woman and mother who were having coffee and asked them what shot in particular did they like (this was at the coffee shot where my prints are displayed. I did not tell them it was my work). Responses were that they liked both styles.

II: Mixed success. This was in a town about 20 minutes away and I was in the art exhibit and I asked the same question. Her answers were a little short but polite.

I may redo this challenge and see if I can get improved results with my opener.

How I've been:

My last update was nearly a month ago. I am wrapping up my lunch so I'll fill in on the details later, but the last month was full of me continuing to work on my validation with WW. I stopped "telling" her things and I have saying textbook statements like "I can see how this is stressful for you." and "You are going through hell. I can tell why you would be so upset."

Last week my D5 was involved in an accident in OM2's vehicle. D5 was fine. She just had a bruised knee. OM2's car had some damage and he apparently broke down and cried. This event occurred following two other bad events for WW that day (co-worker from hell has been making her new salaried job awful. Other co-worker's ex showed up to her car with a gun and shot out her window). To top it all off, on her way home, she drove my another accident and saw two bodies from a different accident lying in the street. She called me crying. I just listened and told her that I'm sorry she is having what is definitely a bad day and suggested that she go out and get something nice for herself. I called her later to check on her and she said she was snuggling with D5 and watching Netflix and put an end to the day.

WW got a new job and the transition was awful for her. I'll explain in better detail later.

WW moved out of the house. It's different, and I am still trying to get used to her being gone. I still miss her. But I do not want her back. Not now. I'm making progress on my dating (no successful date yet...work in progress) and am going to continue the learning process and enjoy it.

I'm doing well. Getting better daily. Happiest that I've been in a long time, but am still feeling some sadness, pain, confusion, and some anger. I keep reminding myself to let it go, which helps me detach from the anger and I calm down much quicker. Letting go has been very difficult for me, but I am making progress.

[Ready2Change]

Thanks for the update. Was worried something happened to you.

[Phoenix9]

I'm good R2C. It's been a climb as always, but I'm still moving forward. I'm still growing, I'm still learning, I'm still taking my lumps, but I'm also enjoying my life a lot more. I have been having a pretty active social life as of late, but I had to pull it back a little since it is taking time away from myself, D5, and my house.

I am in the house 7 days per week now. WW has moved out. I have D5 Sunday through Wednesday evening. Thursday-Sunday morning I have to myself (party time!) which I use to socialize, do some housework/chores, and workout. I am still following the three day per week weight lifting routine. 36 straight weeks so far and I started my 37th yesterday.

Work is going well. I'm really starting to get into a good groove with my routine and enjoying every moment of my time there. A car has been offered to me and it may be possible that I will be getting one without taking a deduction in my pay. The hold up is the insurance and whether or not D5 will be covered as well, since I have to do pick up and drop offs at her preschool.

We started to do our research for schools for D5. First school was about 30 minutes from where I live and 20 from WW. It was a nice school. We may be able to work it out if we can figure out how we can continue the balance of having WW and I see her on a regular basis. School is about 4 months away, so I'm hoping that a decision will be made by us soon. D5 herself is doing pretty well. We make the most of each other's time while we're together, which is primarily evenings at the house. It's fine, but I do miss her having her for full days on weekends. But I also know that it makes my social life a little more challenging. Blessing in disguise, I guess?

WW has had a rough month. She was forced to take a job in the city and her abrupt departure from her old job left a bad taste in her former boss and coworkers mouths. The term “disappointment” has been uttered by her former boss a handful of times, from the way she submitted her short notice, to how she left the condition of the school on her final day. From my understanding, they have totally distanced themselves from her and have not contact her in any way shape or form. Her new job is a salaried position, being a director of a children’s school. The pay is good, but her hours are long. She is up at 430 AM and works until 630 PM or later. Her co-workers are awful and do not respect her authority at all. Her boss is nearly non-existent. I remember one weekend I was dropping off D5 with her so I can attend a social event. While I was on my way to the drop-off point, she called me if I was looking forward to where I was going and I said yes, I was excited. She started to joke with me that I was going to some oriental massage parlor and continued to joke with me until she pulled up. Her driver’s side window rolled down but I was in a rush so I just opened the backdoor and made her get buckled in. I then approached my WW to wish her a good night when she rolled her window down. She was crying. A lot. I just stared at her, to which she said she’s fine. I did not say a word, opened her car door, and held her while she sobbed into my chest. It was a good minute or two before I let her go and I let her just talk to me. Again, I made no suggestions to improve her situation. I was about to utter the words “It’s going to be OK” but stopped myself, knowing that I was not going to validate her feelings by saying that and that doing so would make light of her feelings in that moment. She talked for a good 10 minutes before I told her that I am sorry she is having a rough time right now. She told me she had to get D5 to bed and that I needed to get to my event. So I gave her an affectionate squeeze on her arm and wished her on her way.

Two weeks later was the day that the accident, car-window shooting, and dead body viewing event occurred. She called me bawling and told me how awful of a day it was and how she hates living in the city. I just said “I know. I know you’ve been dealing with a lot and today has been very tough. I know you don’t like living in the city and I can see how those things would make her want to have those feelings.”

Our conversations are more playful and friendly. We now talk to each other about 15 minutes per day (she calls me). There are times in which she just talks and I listen. She still talks about filing the paperwork to finalize everything but neither of us has started the formal process. I may start it, I may not. It depends on how my dating life goes.

My dating life is still in its infancy. I have not made much positive progress in that realm, even though I have had attempt with 6 different women. I was either ghosted, given the friends speech, or they just told me they were not interested. It’s been frustrating because logic would say that things should have progressed to something as the interaction between me and the women continued. That has not been the case. I have joined a coaching group who I have been working with on figuring out my shortcomings and fixing them so that I can progress on my next attempt.

And here I am. I am settling into my new normal. I am still in pain, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. When I do get a visual of what WW and OM2 have done, of what WW has said to me, of all of her actions, I still go through my emotions of anger and sadness, but I am making a lot of progress of letting it go sooner. The advice I have obtained her – Just let it go – is always on my mind and in my actions. Some days I succeed and other days, not so much. It’s just the way things are right now, which I expect will improve as time passes.
I’m hoping to not be away as long between postings. I have just been making adjustments and living life. And I’m starting to feel and believe that life is indeed good.

[SoTorn]

That's progress Phoenix! I know as a big guy and not a good dancer, when I get out there it can feel like a million eyes are watching only you. Just have to keep going and push on through. As with anything like for me skiing, the more times you do it, the more comfortable and less awkward you will feel. The speed dating is great as well. It's not the number you connect with. I assure you ONE quality connection with a great lady will warp speed your detachment. I'm not at all saying you need a relationship if you don't feel ready. Simply put once you fully realize there are other quality women out there who have interest in you, you'll have the whole epiphany of "why am I still wasting my time on WW?" THAT is when your detachment will take off. Grant yourself the grace to work through your feelings as they come up, keep putting yourself out there if for no other reason than to see that there is a TON of possible green grass on the other side of the fence and enjoy yourself. Create your own new control in your life that no one else can take from you!

-B

I second this. I went on several coffee dates with women. I didnt even feel like being friends with any. Then I met a woman much younger that I had no intention of dating initially and we matched up very well. It sped my detachment up greatky because I absolutely found that there are women out there that are willing to treat you so much better than how your WW does. I literally said to myself "why in the world was I wasting time pining for a woman that treats me so badly and showed me how selfish she truly is?"

[ovrrnbw]

Phoenix, great progress. I am so happy for you. We will still have ups and downs but the climb is easier every time.

As time goes on inthikk we both get better at validating and it becomes "ours" in how we do it. Changes are not easy, but nothing worthwhile is easy. I hope you keep enjoying life and keep putting yourself out there. You'll be glad you did.

[FlySolo]

P - glad to read your update. The tone of your update is much more somber but less emotionally than before if that mkes sense.

And here I am. I am settling into my new normal. I am still in pain, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. When I do get a visual of what WW and OM2 have done, of what WW has said to me, of all of her actions, I still go through my emotions of anger and sadness, but I am making a lot of progress of letting it go sooner. The advice I have obtained her – Just let it go – is always on my mind and in my actions. Some days I succeed and other days, not so much. It’s just the way things are right now, which I expect will improve as time passes.

This is the nature of the beast. Acknowledge the emotion, let them in, and then let them go. Easier said then done. But as you say, it does get easier with each day.

Anyway, wanted to stop by and say hi.

[Phoenix9]

Thanks FS. I had my share of dating disappointments this last week and I've been working on turning my attitude around. Historically whenever I experienced a setback in regards to my love live, I would turn inward and negative and dwell on the "failure (it's in quotes because I did not fail. Things just didn't work out for reasons beyond my control". I have been working on balancing my emotions between happiness and sadness because the whole experience has been tiring. One moment, I'm feeling like on top of the world, the next, I feel like everything is collapsing around me. I have made bad situations worse and in some cases, made good situations bad with my thinking and attitude.

This last week after I experienced another setback, I decided to pull in and do things that bring me enjoyment but do it within the confines of my house and the surrounding area. I went to the hills and shot some pictures. The next day I stayed at the house and worked on some yardwork (with a piece of crap lawnmower), made some food for the week, and binged watched "Grey's Anatomy". The next day, I picked up D5 and we got ready for the next few days. During this time, thoughts of my WW and her actions began to creep back into my mind and I started to get emotionally affected again. Thoughts of her "succeeding" in her dating life and me "failing" ran rampant, but I did my very best at ridding myself of that negative mindset. I know that the downer attitude is not going to get me what I am seeking and I used that thought process as a catalyst to snap me out of it. I am turning it around a little now and at the point where I am ready to engage in social activities again. I go to a comedy show in the city tonight and going out bar-hopping with a work buddy. Saturday I am going to a 5K walk hosted by some cute woman on Meetup. I have GAL stuff planned. I am still GAL, but I am starting to focus more on my responsibilities as a home owner. Stuff like lawn care, house repair and improvement are at the forefront. I also am toying with the idea of setting a second part-time job to help pay for those expenses. I also need to take a vacation. I haven’t had one in over two years and with all that I have gone through I really need to take an extended break to relax and enjoy myself.

I am muscling my way through getting a better life through better attitude. It’s been a lot of hard work. I have been reading a lot of books (“Models: Attract Women Through Honesty” by Mark Manson is a fantastic book. More good stuff on being a better man. “How to be a 3% Man” by Corey Wayne is another good one). I am making some genuine friends now. I have been talking to a young mother via the Whisper app for 8 months now and we share a lot about ourselves. There is no romantic or sexual interest between us, and I like it like that. The guy who I am going bar-hopping with is a coworker of mine.

Turning it all around has been a very time and labor intensive process. I am still not done as I am still finding things I need to improve on. Getting back into the dating scene has really opened up another part of me that needs work and I am working on that now. I hope and feel that I can make the same amount of progress in that area as I did the last eight. The goal is to continue to build my self-confidence and self-worth. The (huge) bonus is that I get to date and have experiences that I haven’t been able to experience before. It is just going to take my sustained efforts to get there, while making sure that my needs are met (food, clothing, shelter, D5).

[Ready2Change]

I believe you put to much expectations into dating. Can you change your though process?

Go into it with the belief that it will be the only date. Your one chance to learn as much about another person as possible. Your one chance to have a great experience with them.

[Phoenix9]

I believe you put to much expectations into dating. Can you change your though process?

Go into it with the belief that it will be the only date. Your one chance to learn as much about another person as possible. Your one chance to have a great experience with them.

I need to. The current method I am applying is giving me limited success. The primary issue I am having to work through is figuring out why the first date never happens. More often than not I would get a commitment early on only to have them back off later.

[ovrrnbw]

Hey Phoenix, how's life? I was just thinking about you today, hope all is well.