I’m not going back home. How many people on here moved out and then went back? Did it really help the situation? Especially if she decides somehow to buy me out or we put the house up for sale. Honestly I’m starting to lose feelings for my wife. Did anyone else feel like that? It’s not that I am giving up, I don’t k ow if I want her back after all the hell she has put this family through.
If I do go back give me a plan. What do I say, why, setting boundaries. I know I stink at this that’s why I am here. I need all the help I can get.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Steve and anyone else. How do you know when they are “waking up” or the “fog” is starting to lift? Is it something they say or do. Is it very gradual or is like almost overnight?
Could be any or all of the above. Sometimes it happens very slowly, sometimes like a bolt out of the blue. There was a WAW that used to post here, she had left her H and he did all the begging and pleading and such. She kept slapping him away and eventually he gave up, moved on and found a new GF and the WAW was actually very happy for him. Then her grandmother got really sick, and she was visiting her in the hospital and her grandmother said something to her like "you still love him don't you" and just like that, a switch was flipped and she instantly regretted everything and wanted him back. But he had a new life by then and didn't want her back, and thus she ended up here, a WAS turned LBS. I think it's more normal for it to happen slowly over time though.
And when it does happen, like Steve said the WAS will let the LBS know. If you have to ask her, then no, she's not there and you will just get BD'd all over again. When they want back they will tell you in no uncertain terms.
So I need some feedback. My W just text me out of nowhere this article, “I Don’t Give Up Easily, So When I Decide To Walk Away, Consider Me Gone.” It’s about how “hard” she tried to save our marriage. The only problem is she never told me anything until after we were separated. I don’t know why she is sending this to me now at 7 at night. If anyone can read the article and tell me what you think. Or is this some tactic of the WAS to keep in contact with me? She has told me before it’s done, so why the article? Please advise vets. I always appreciate your insights.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
It is her trying to say that there is no way she is coming back. Which is garbage. She may be trying to convince herself as much as you. My W said things very similar to that thread title. I got "I tried for 19 years". "I've tried everything." "I don't want to do things together because I don't want you to get your hopes up." All of those typical walkaway catch phrases for "I tried to tell you, you wouldn't listen, now I am gone."
Like your W, mine hadn't made it clear she was that unhappy. I knew we had problems but until I discovered her EA, confronted her, and got BD'd, I didn't realize how bad things had become. I know that if she had sat me down and told me how serious things were getting then I would have instituted my 180s much earlier. As I am sure you would have.
All part of their history rewriting. My W's "I haven't been happy for 19 years" blew me away! As close as we were through her pregnancy, birth and raising of my daughter? And she was never happy?
It is all part of the fog. Wolf, I hope you never responded?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I read the article. It is a bunch of garbage. It contradicts itself all over the place. It is as confused as the typical walkaway is. I can see why it will appeal to her because that is how she is feeling now. But it is bunk. It is her reaching out in her confirmation bias to find things that justify her horrible decision.
I don't know if I could be more blunt, it is a bunch of hooey that attracts someone that is looking for hooey to confirm their own hooey.
I wouldn't give it another thought.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She said all the same things. That she has been unhappy for a while. Same here if she would have sat me down how bad things were I would have done a 180. I read your situation Steve, a lot of similarities. The only difference is there is no EA. Or at least I have not found any. She rewrote our marital history, a lot. It’s amazing how she only focuses on a few bad things and forgets the million great things we did together. That article did contradict itself a lot. How they don’t quit but then later talks about how they walk away. Bizarre. She is definitely trying hard to convince herself this is the best move to get a divorce. Thanks for your input on the article.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
My W said things very similar to that thread title. I got "I tried for 19 years". "I've tried everything." "I don't want to do things together because I don't want you to get your hopes up." All of those typical walkaway catch phrases for "I tried to tell you, you wouldn't listen, now I am gone."
Like your W, mine hadn't made it clear she was that unhappy. I knew we had problems but until I discovered her EA, confronted her, and got BD'd, I didn't realize how bad things had become. I know that if she had sat me down and told me how serious things were getting then I would have instituted my 180s much earlier. As I am sure you would have.
All part of their history rewriting.
It sounds like all of us LBS' have gone through almost the same sequence of events and listened to the same rationale for irrational emotional decisions by WW's. It is absolutely appalling that W's let it fester so long and then BD us without even a serious conversation that they are approaching such a decision. It's like something clicks overnight where they make a choice that the M is over and no longer worth putting in any effort to reconcile. In my case, I believe it was a combination of W's depression/unhappiness, EA with co-worker, and IC conclusions that led her down a path that her H was/is the root cause of all of the problems in her life, and so begins re-writing history.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
It sounds like all of us LBS' have gone through almost the same sequence of events and listened to the same rationale for irrational emotional decisions by WW's. It is absolutely appalling that W's let it fester so long and then BD us without even a serious conversation that they are approaching such a decision. It's like something clicks overnight where they make a choice that the M is over and no longer worth putting in any effort to reconcile. In my case, I believe it was a combination of W's depression/unhappiness, EA with co-worker, and IC conclusions that led her down a path that her H was/is the root cause of all of the problems in her life, and so begins re-writing history.
Curtis, those are so close to my case. No communication. Depression. New job and EA with co-worker, I am her enemy, rewriting history, are in my wive's script too
B.D in December 2018 Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019 Divorced May 2019 H (me) 49 W (her) 29
Fellas, the truth is none of what she says about you being the problem or you wondering what you did matters. If she's gone, she's gone and unless/until she comes back of her own free will, she's gone. I was hugely guilty of building out my sitch as some big calculus equation with like a million variables when the bottom line is my sitch was as black and white as 1+1 = 2. Simple, brutal truth. She had come along, knocked me out and walked on and the ONLY thing I could really do was get back up, go my way and take care of my D4.
It's great for each of you to look into the things/ways you feel like you could have done/been better and it takes some time to have enough clarity before you can really soberly assess your contributions to what happened AND begin to try to learn from and correct those things you either didn't do, did wrong or didn't known about. The script from the WW is for sure like a broken record around here we hear all the time. Just get off the D**M turntable and set out on your own path. As my "mentor" through this Accuray said "the quickest way is a straight line in the opposite direction". That's the quickest way to get her back, but way more importantly it's also the quickest way to get yourself back and past her. Don't stand around like a bunch of little boys crying saying "hey she punched me", man up, accept the truth of what happened to you, pick your pieces up and walk the H on. I'm cheering for and praying for each of you all when I say that.
