New Member, Familiar Story

[Sokaku]

Thanks Paco123,

I really appreciate your candid & kind words. It's amazing to me, when this all went down, I felt I must be first and only person to have experienced the initial hurt, confusion, embarrassment, disappointment, rejection & failure @ BD time & during the subsequent emotional roller coaster that I'm getting motion sick from riding now.
Even a lot of the books I read noted similar things but DB hit the nail on the head with so many of my Ws quotes it got me reading and applying principles.

I'm struggling a little with the method of being pleasant, strong & happy around her (which I can do no problem) Vs. being distant & nonchalant when communicating via TXT (which is about all she uses). Previously I had been quite jovial in my messages thinking that's showing I'm in good form and being someone who she "would want to be around" but recently have been a little more terse in my messages. She then responds with have I upset you or being equally terse. I just don't respond to those messages.

I'm working on GAL (I kinda prefer GANL - Get A New Life) as GAL has negative connotations from the old school adage + creating the impression prior life sucked which isn't really the case. But, either way, I'm not trying to re-write Michele's book so working on GAL!

W txt me yesterday asking to have coffee today. I responded yesterday a while after with "I'm busy tomorrow, next weekend maybe?" She later came back with I'm only available Saturday morning which I have not replied to.
W is going on another Intl trip for 4 weeks this time, departing after next weekend. I think based on the final part of our conversation at dinner the other week she is looking to discuss moving forward with plans of how to split assets, who is going to live where etc.

I need to decide whether I meet her next weekend or blow her off & not see her until she comes back from her trip. Unfortunately she will be spending a lot of time with a really Toxic friend of hers. Sadly, some of her friends are total sycophants as my W has the ability to totally "treat & spoil" them, though it's not with her own money (Or Mine thankfully).

She hates living at the MIL's place and considering how much she has left behind in the house, I feel she intends on moving back into the house, once I move out. Problem she is yet to discover is I have no intention on moving out!

[Sokaku]

Does she show some type of behavior toward you that makes you feel disrespected? If so, can you share what it is that she does?

Hmm, tough question. I hadn't felt disrespected as such (up until BD), possibly taken advantage of my good nature and willingness to help out with any situation.

And, has this been a pattern throughout the relationship, or in the past recent year?

I feel it's more recent as we use to have an equitable amount of input in our daily tasks, chores etc.

You said she could have a sense of entitlement. Can you give an example?

Hmm, I guess this could be considered entitlement or a cry for attention?
We would both be sitting on the sofa relaxing, reading or watching TV. W would say, can you get me X from the kitchen, rather than, I'm getting X from the kitchen, do you want anything?

Last question for now........would you describe her "moods" as anger or sadness?

It's got to be some of both. Unreasonable anger over really minor issue or sadness just being overcome with emotion. She had been watching the news a lot & getting news feeds pinging on her phone all the time. The way news is being disseminated and sensationalized now is hard as people who really are highly empathic completely absorb it and she is one of those people. The news would literally get her really down. Suggesting we watch something else or trying to distract in other ways wasn't very beneficial as she was getting bombarded by it with all her news feeds, Facebook, Instagram & other media messages. Not helpful when she's addicted to social media too.

[Sokaku]

Hi again DB'ers

I haven't posted much yet but have spent a lot of time reading and educating myself here. There's multiple pearls of wisdom in each and every thread!

I do request some experienced advice on how to handle the following sitch?

Meeting W Saturday morning for coffee. I'm thinking she wants to discuss moving forward with separation, splitting assets, etc. My plan is I just listen and not really say much in response apart from "let me think about that" & asking a few questions to get more of a read of what her mind set is.

My IC suggested I could also say something along the lines of, "It's been 22 years,I feel the relationship is owed some processing to understand what went wrong, so as we can move forward with new relationships in due course, understanding how we individually contributed to its demise of ours so as not to occur again by going to see a counselor to talk about it"

Thoughts?

[ovrrnbw]

I'd make the meeting on Saturday brief.

Next time she wants to meet for dinner "Sorry, I'm very busy right now." Don't cater to her. Make her miss you.

Thanks Steve,

Yeah, point taken & it was my first thought too.

I'm quoting this because you've already agreed to meet her again? If you asked her to meet for no reason, would she do that? Probably not, right? So why are you doing that for her? She snaps her fingers and boom, you're there!

Maybe you can just ask her what she wants via text/email as you have pressing business Saturday. It is Saturday after all, the most fun day of the week.

It's been 22 years,I feel the relationship is owed some processing to understand what went wrong, so as we can move forward with new relationships in due course, understanding how we individually contributed to its demise of ours so as not to occur again by going to see a counselor to talk about it

Do you normally talk like this? It sounds like weirdo talk to me.

If she wants separation or divorce, delaying it or standing in her way is going to make her want it more. If you remove yourself from her path, maybe she will wonder if you were ever the problem - or at least as big a problem as she thought.

[Sokaku]

I'd make the meeting on Saturday brief.

Thank you for your input and thoughts OVR. Saturday is not going to be a leisurely morning hang out or me pining about our situation. I have AL & too many things to do.

I'm quoting this because you've already agreed to meet her again? If you asked her to meet for no reason, would she do that? Probably not, right? So why are you doing that for her? She snaps her fingers and boom, you're there!

Actually she would agree to meet for sure. But I haven't and won't be reaching out to her or asking to so it's a moot point. She wanted to meet last Sunday, I said I'm busy, she txt asking to meet this Saturday, I ignored her txt. W txt me again to see if I got previous txt. If I ignore or say I'm busy again, it will come a cross as being childish & sullen. At this point due to financial factors I need to be happy/friendly when I see her, but I'm not reaching out to meet up or go out.

Maybe you can just ask her what she wants via text/email as you have pressing business Saturday. It is Saturday after all, the most fun day of the week.

Absolutely! Going for a group ride & then meeting some friends later on. On what she wants to talk about, I had already refused to have relationship conversation last time we were out (due to alcohol consumption). I did agree to be open to talking to her about moving forward during the day.

Do you normally talk like this? It sounds like weirdo talk to me.

This was IC suggestion hence why putting it out here for input.

If she wants separation or divorce, delaying it or standing in her way is going to make her want it more. If you remove yourself from her path, maybe she will wonder if you were ever the problem - or at least as big a problem as she thought.

So don't agree to ever meet with W and run away from any conversation but get out of her way if she wants to separate.
Struggling with the contradiction here?

I'm reading & learning a lot here. There's a lot to my story that hasn't been disclosed. Thank you for your patience.

[Sokaku]

I haven't posted for a while, been reading a lot of other peoples sitchs and it's really helped giving me perspective on my own. There are so many similarities to what I'm experiencing.

My W has been very "friendly" and cordial possibly driven by guilt?
We haven't had any R talk for 6 months and have had very little contact on the last 3 including zero for 5 weeks. I don't reach out to her at all. I'm just getting on with my own life & GAL activities. I'm Really enjoying my weekends again! It's been quite a few years...

Recently she had come to the house a couple of times to pick up some mail, more of her personal items and to pet our cats. On arrival and departure she has been coming in for a hug. I'm nonchalant and embracing her like I would someone I have just met. I never lead in for physical connection & do what I can to create space or obstacles between us so she can't come in for a hug.

Is this something I should talk to her about or just let the actions speak?

[ovrrnbw]

If you were going to talk to her about it, what would you say?

You mentioned her being "friendly" and possibly guilt driven. I wouldn't try to interpret her actions either.

[SteveLW]

Agree with ovr. Do not mind read. Do not talk to her about it.

[AnotherStander]

My W has been very "friendly" and cordial possibly driven by guilt?
We haven't had any R talk for 6 months and have had very little contact on the last 3 including zero for 5 weeks. I don't reach out to her at all.

A lot of times WAS's will be mean/ angry/ snippy because they think it will help the LBS to move on. Stupid I know, but that's how some of them think. Once you remove the pressure (as you clearly have) then they no longer feel the need to be that way, there's no point anymore. So it's probably an indication that she feels like you are detaching and moving on, which is good!

I'm just getting on with my own life & GAL activities. I'm Really enjoying my weekends again! It's been quite a few years...

Awesome!

Is this something I should talk to her about or just let the actions speak?

Not sure what you're asking, are you saying you don't want to hug her? If so then yes, just politely mention it next time she tries to hug you. Just say something like "I would rather we didn't do this, it just feels very awkward, I hope you understand."

[Sokaku]

You mentioned her being "friendly" and possibly guilt driven. I wouldn't try to interpret her actions either.

Thanks guys, good point. I'll be mindful of not trying to interpret her actions.

Not sure what you're asking, are you saying you don't want to hug her? If so then yes, just politely mention it next time she tries to hug you. Just say something like "I would rather we didn't do this, it just feels very awkward, I hope you understand."

Hmm, I'm not sure.
I was thinking more along the lines of keeping contact short & sweet, being the first one to leave a conversation etc & how a experienced DB'er would approach it? Maybe I'm just being guarded or don't want to hug her out of old fashioned pride but letting her hug me would be the grown up thing to do?