Unfortunately with her moving out there is really only one consequence left. Filing for divorce. I am guessing you’re not ready for that.
Certainly the thought has crossed my mind, but the love of my kids and what D could do to them prevents me from taking that step.
What are thoughts on establishing a post-nuptial agreement that spells out how assets will be divided? Could be a wake up call, but makes D fairly straightforward once in place.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
I have a question on possible consequences for crossing the boundary in my sitch. Since my W is moving out in just over a week, keeping her out of the MBR is going away. What other types of consequences could I consider if she continues to engage in EA/PAs with the OM during the physical separation?
As LH said, D is about it. But she wants that anyway, so if you "threaten" her with that she's likely to be very pleased about it as it paves the way for you doing all the work for her. Then she can not only do nothing but she can also tell everyone that you were the bad guy that pushed D through while she tried to give it time. Here's the bottom line Curtis- the whole reason she's moving out is to engage in a PA. WAS's don't move out to work on the M. She's going to do it and there's nothing you can do about it, because in her eyes you're already D'd.
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What are thoughts on establishing a post-nuptial agreement that spells out how assets will be divided? Could be a wake up call, but makes D fairly straightforward once in place.
You've got to quit thinking in terms of "If I do X, Y or Z will that wake her up?" There is no waking her up. Nothing you do will have that sort of impact on her. All you can do is give her time and space.
I know this is all very painful to go through Curtis but there is no shortcut or workaround. She's got to leave, she's got to have her fling or flings and you've got to work on yourself and work on dropping that rope and letting her do what she's going to do.
I have a question on possible consequences for crossing the boundary in my sitch. Since my W is moving out in just over a week, keeping her out of the MBR is going away. What other types of consequences could I consider if she continues to engage in EA/PAs with the OM during the physical separation?
As LH said, D is about it. But she wants that anyway, so if you "threaten" her with that she's likely to be very pleased about it as it paves the way for you doing all the work for her. Then she can not only do nothing but she can also tell everyone that you were the bad guy that pushed D through while she tried to give it time. Here's the bottom line Curtis- the whole reason she's moving out is to engage in a PA. WAS's don't move out to work on the M. She's going to do it and there's nothing you can do about it, because in her eyes you're already D'd.
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What are thoughts on establishing a post-nuptial agreement that spells out how assets will be divided? Could be a wake up call, but makes D fairly straightforward once in place.
You've got to quit thinking in terms of "If I do X, Y or Z will that wake her up?" There is no waking her up. Nothing you do will have that sort of impact on her. All you can do is give her time and space.
I know this is all very painful to go through Curtis but there is no shortcut or workaround. She's got to leave, she's got to have her fling or flings and you've got to work on yourself and work on dropping that rope and letting her do what she's going to do.
Curtis, listen to LH and AS here. So many LBSs take an action because they think acting is better than not acting. It is not. WASs are notoriously lazy. Even the ones that take the initiative and file for D, or schedule a mediator, most of the time will not take the next step. Many people have seen their spouses takes these steps and never push it forward. We have a long running narrative that D usually only really happens when the LBS finally gets feed up and pursues D.
Your best play here is to sit back and wait. It is against the sensibilities of many LBHs, but view it less about your anguish and more about the gift of time. The LBSs that struggle the most are those that think they need to do something besides GAL, detachment, and 180s.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LH, AS, Steve, thanks for the feedback and reassurances. A cheating W is the most severe pain I’ve ever felt. It’s human nature to try and do things that move us away from that pain. I can see how the LBS can get fed up over time and reach their breaking point. I’m not there. I want to wait and see how the separation goes when she moves out and how it is affecting my kids.
It’s so confusing to me that the WW can carry on a double life in front of me, does she think I don’t know what is going on? She is nice and cordial, laughs at things I say to the kids one minute, then dives into fantasyland on her phone the next minute. Last night she came into the master bath when I was getting and she felt the need to tell me a joke from the Amazon Alexa device. I guess she still has a need to balance reality with La La Land and maintain contact someone in person.
I’m struggling with understanding how to interact with her during these times. Should I be looking for opportunities for positive interaction or simply remove myself from the equation for the time being and make myself as scarce as possible?
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Her moving out is going to give you some time and space to think about what you want the rest of your life to look like. I also want you to get into the mindset that your sitch will probably not completely play out for many years.
I also want you to know that a D will not necessarily destroy your kids lives. That is mainly going to depend on how you and your W treat and act around one another. The people on this board who have good relationships with their exs the kids are doing well.
Right now you feel powerless in your sitch but that will change I promise you.
LH, AS, Steve, thanks for the feedback and reassurances. A cheating W is the most severe pain I’ve ever felt. It’s human nature to try and do things that move us away from that pain. I can see how the LBS can get fed up over time and reach their breaking point. I’m not there. I want to wait and see how the separation goes when she moves out and how it is affecting my kids.
It’s so confusing to me that the WW can carry on a double life in front of me, does she think I don’t know what is going on? She is nice and cordial, laughs at things I say to the kids one minute, then dives into fantasyland on her phone the next minute. Last night she came into the master bath when I was getting and she felt the need to tell me a joke from the Amazon Alexa device. I guess she still has a need to balance reality with La La Land and maintain contact someone in person.
I’m struggling with understanding how to interact with her during these times. Should I be looking for opportunities for positive interaction or simply remove myself from the equation for the time being and make myself as scarce as possible?
Do not look for opportunities, but do not shy away from them when they arise. But yes, making yourself as scarce as possible is important.
I struggle with the confronting piece of a cheating WW. Like I said, I've read things that suggest that the cheating W loses respect for a LBH she is "fooling" with her affair. So while it isn't strictly DBing, I would be upfront about what you know WITH one huge caveat. Only when you are ready to kick her to the curb! You just said you weren't there yet. But confronting with no consequence is weak and not worthy of respect either.
In my sitch, as I got better at detaching, she left to drop my daughter off at school one day and didn't come back for almost an hour (D's school was < 10 mins one way). When she came home later that morning she was fully of reasons why she took so long. I looked her in the eye and said: "I am not stupid." Coupled with my detaching which I was doing better and better, she realized that staying out longer to contact EA P was transparent too me. And the consequence was that I going to finally tell her shape up or ship out. But you have to be ready with the latter for the former to have any teeth.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LH, AS, Steve, thanks for the feedback and reassurances. A cheating W is the most severe pain I’ve ever felt. It’s human nature to try and do things that move us away from that pain. I can see how the LBS can get fed up over time and reach their breaking point. I’m not there. I want to wait and see how the separation goes when she moves out and how it is affecting my kids.
It’s so confusing to me that the WW can carry on a double life in front of me, does she think I don’t know what is going on? She is nice and cordial, laughs at things I say to the kids one minute, then dives into fantasyland on her phone the next minute. Last night she came into the master bath when I was getting and she felt the need to tell me a joke from the Amazon Alexa device. I guess she still has a need to balance reality with La La Land and maintain contact someone in person.
I’m struggling with understanding how to interact with her during these times. Should I be looking for opportunities for positive interaction or simply remove myself from the equation for the time being and make myself as scarce as possible?
Curtis, I have the same problem. I also dont know how to behave in those moments when she wants to be my friend again and share a joke...and then the phone rings, she hides it in her palm and goes running to the next room. This is so straining on our psyche I agree.
B.D in December 2018 Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019 Divorced May 2019 H (me) 49 W (her) 29
Apparently I have to sign some documents at the closing for W’s separation house. I haven’t seen them but I think they are just to acknowledge that I’m aware because we are married.
W texts: “You have to sign papers on Monday. Please let me know what time you would be a available. You can go in before me and sign but it has to be before or during on same day.“
Haven’t responded, but I want to review the docs in advance. Any recommendations?
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
W texts: “You have to sign papers on Monday. Please let me know what time you would be a available. You can go in before me and sign but it has to be before or during on same day.“
Haven’t responded, but I want to review the docs in advance. Any recommendations?
H:"W, I want to understand what I am signing. Please send me a copy of the docs so I can review them tomorrow"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
