Midlife wife crisis3

[Wolfman]

LH I like when you post on my thread. I don’t take things personally, I take it as you are trying to help me. So please keep it coming. The R talks I have them because I slip up. For some reason I think they will help and of course they never do. I need to stop them, permanently. My GAL activities are going to the gym, going out with friends spending time with family. 180’s not calling her or texting her first, not following her around (which I did at the beginning) validating a lot more instead of arguing, listening to her. Your question about beliefs is where I have a problem. Her beliefs are that she is not happy and D me will solve all of that and it won’t. I get that in her eyes it will but it’s going to make life for her and my children harder. So my beliefs are about family and working through hard times.
Definition of detachment, not thinking about the other person, creating space emotionally and physically. But love from a distance, not to be mean or indifferent.
The other reason I honestly believe my W wants this divorce because I will have the kids and she will be free of any responsibility, growing up for her she had NONE until we got married. Once we had kids I could see she was starting to become overwhelmed. I tried to help her every way possible. From changing diapers, feeding, cleaning, cooking, food shopping. It that has maintained as they grew up. As they grew up they became involved in activities and the responsibility grew. She would ask me for more and more help. It got to the point the only thing she did was take them to school and laundry. I did the cleaning, shopping, all the bills, landscaping, cooking most of the time, pool, 2 jobs, taking them to activities. So, when she would ask for me to help her I would say how much more can I do? That would start an argument. So with the D she now only has to worry about herself some days and I think she loves that idea. Coming from a woman who wanted a family so bad when we were first dating and married. To wanting to be free from all of that.

[LH19]

The R talks I have them because I slip up. For some reason I think they will help and of course they never do. I need to stop them, permanently.

Ok. No MORE slip ups. You can not use logic and reason.

My GAL activities are going to the gym, going out with friends spending time with family.

These aren't bad. How about hobbies, running reading self help books?

180’s not calling her or texting her first, not following her around (which I did at the beginning) validating a lot more instead of arguing, listening to her.

Those aren't necessary 180s they are not pursuing and validation. Those are good but 180s are more bad habits you had. What are you doing about becoming financially independent?

Her beliefs are that she is not happy and D me will solve all of that and it won’t.

First off you don't know. It could make her the happiest person in the world. You have to accept and understand that this is feel right now.

I get that in her eyes it will but it’s going to make life for her and my children harder.

If this is what you truly believe then give her what she wants and she will completely fall on her face and beg you to come back.

So my beliefs are about family and working through hard times.

Again, those are your beliefs. Not hers so to her you are being selfish right now.

Definition of detachment, not thinking about the other person, creating space emotionally and physically. But love from a distance, not to be mean or indifferent.

No not really.
Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not rigidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detached involvement.

Today I will factor in uncertainty as an essential ingredient of my experience. In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem, out of the confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure I will feel, because uncertainty is my path to freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty, I will find my security.

I will step into the field of all possibilities and anticipate the excitement that can occur when I remain open to infinity of choices. When I step into the field of all possibilities, I will experience all the fun, adventure, magic, and mystery of life.

Once we had kids I could see she was starting to become overwhelmed. I tried to help her every way possible. From changing diapers, feeding, cleaning, cooking, food shopping. It that has maintained as they grew up. As they grew up they became involved in activities and the responsibility grew. She would ask me for more and more help. It got to the point the only thing she did was take them to school and laundry. I did the cleaning, shopping, all the bills, landscaping, cooking most of the time, pool, 2 jobs, taking them to activities. So, when she would ask for me to help her I would say how much more can I do? That would start an argument.

So in essence you were her butler. Do you think that is attractive?

So with the D she now only has to worry about herself some days and I think she loves that idea. Coming from a woman who wanted a family so bad when we were first dating and married. To wanting to be free from all of that.

If this is true is that the kind of woman you want to be with for the rest of your life?

[Ready2Change]

Let me know if you do not want 2x4's

And it’s amazing how she just cannot let go of the past. She talks about the few things I did wrong in our marriage and never lets these things go.

It is amazing how you think she should. Just validate. "Yup, I was wrong. I am sorry."

I don’t want D, but there is nothing I can do. She keeps trucking ahead.

You are right. You can change your behavior until the cows home and she might not care. That is why you have to accept that D is coming. You are walking two paths in parallel. 1) Prepare for divorce. 2) Make positive changes in your behavior.

If you all are wondering why D bothers me so much is because I do t believe in it, unless there is some sort of abuse. Which there was absolutely none.

That is your POV. Not your W's. She believed you abused her for years. This is straight out of the WAW/WAS handbook. All the abuse was mental and emotional. Not physical.

[gzabetas]

Love the replies on this thread. Feeling for you Wolfman, as I am in the same boat.
Seems many of the vets here have crossed over to the other side and share their wisdom with us.

AnotherStander threw some extra light on their POV today in his reply that kind of blew my mind.
Still digesting that. Their being unhappy. Us being the problem. And he prefaced it correctly "In their eyes.."

That POV will change with time, when life's hardships will continue even without us in the picture.
But as my IC said, by then it will be too late. It will never be the same.

[AnotherStander]

AnotherStander threw some extra light on their POV today in his reply that kind of blew my mind.
Still digesting that. Their being unhappy. Us being the problem. And he prefaced it correctly "In their eyes.."

You are exactly right. We can argue about how "wrong" a WAW is but the fact of the matter is her PERCEPTION is her REALITY. So even though what she is saying may be outrageous and patently false, it is still how she sees things.

A lot of LBS's struggle with the fact that a lot of this just doesn't make sense. They think if they could just explain things to the WAW then they will help her to see the light and emerge from the fog. The more they try the worse they make their situation though, because they are not dealing with someone who is thinking logically. The WAW is a whirlwind of emotions and raw feelings and you simply cannot beg/plead/negotiate/ rationalize with that. It's very hard for us to even imagine their mindset, but it would be like you losing a loved one and you're in that whirlwind of emotions and grief and you have someone telling you "well yeah but I lost my favorite pair of socks this morning and I don't understand why you don't feel bad for me." Your reaction would be outrage that this person brings their petty little problem to your doorstep when you are completely overwhelmed with grief yourself. Follow what I'm saying? That's her attitude- "I've been hurting so deeply and for so long, and now you want me to turn my life inside out because you've been hurting a few weeks, how dare you."

This is why we constantly push people to listen and validate. She really is hurting, so if you set your own pain aside and you listen, and you validate her feelings instead of constantly hitting her with "poor me I feel worse" then maybe she'll actually start feeling like you care.

[Wolfman]

There is a lot I want to answer. How do I don’t nose quote boxes. This way it will be easy to follow. Sorry for being the rookie.

[gzabetas]

Very well put AnotherStander. As always you provide us with great food for thought.

I will add one more item to that train of thought. And I do this because of the unique circumstance I was in where I am now visiting the same IC that my wife fired. I get to see what her last days of pre WW status were like.
Even though he cant share confidential stuff, I know pieces that affected me.

So the missing ingredient is the Affair.
That complicated things way beyond our LBS coping skill level.

From the IC pov, things may have been repairable pre-Affair. But the moment your WW wife falls emotionally for another guy its game over. Even a one night stand is preferable to her falling in love with him (emotional affair).

At this point the IC told me, you could offer her a million dollars and she wont let go of that Affair.
Its impossible to turn around. Its like a drug addict getting their craving. Nothing else will do.

In time they will regret it, that also he said

I guess its what we call them here on the forum: a teething 2 year old, or rebellious teen, or abducted by aliens.

I always though that I studied human nature and that I understood basic human psychology but this transformation of the WW-WAS-MLC (pic one) is beyond me.

Somewhere on the forum today I read a great post by one of us here saying that the best screenwriters in Hollywood couldnt dream up this scenario that we are facing.


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[Ready2Change]

There is a lot I want to answer. How do I don’t nose quote boxes. This way it will be easy to follow. Sorry for being the rookie.

I hit quote button, then use full edit button, Highlight and delete what I don't want then high light a block of text and click the Quote Icon. do this for each block then I go back and add answers. I then use preview to make sure I did not mess up

[Ready2Change]

From the IC pov, things may have been repairable pre-Affair. But the moment your WW wife falls emotionally for another guy its game over.

I disagree with the IC POV. I have seen many repair their marriage after this. PuppyDogTails is a perfect example. He busted the affair and he busted the divorce.

[gzabetas]

Ready2Change, I share your view (hence my being here). Thats why I said in his pov.
It was disheartening to hear it though, cause it sure means that things got tougher post affair.

Will look up Puppy's sitch. thanks.