I would have definitely been in jail for assault and battery, and destruction of property in your circumstances. I'm not the jealous type anymore as I've been cheated on in the past. But you're right you have to save your composure for your children if you have them, preserve your own self-worth and morals, and just allow the to low lives to keep sinking lower, and you take The High Ground.
I hope to God you find some type of healthy release for this, and build yourself back up and detach.
How, and more importantly why, are you reading her texts? You've already verified she's unfaithful. Any reason to subject yourself to this? I think it's probably bleeding over into other parts of your life. I hope you change your focus onto your life, work, kids.
Exactly what I was going to say. Curtis, you know the situation. Quit snooping. Leave her to the mess she's making and focus on you. She's straight out of a Girls Gone Wild movie. It's not going to change anytime soon, she has to fall and fall hard.
gives me a glimpse of what i can expect my WW did as well. I never got a chance to see any. she guarded that phone with her life. but i walked in on her once when she was having phone sex with an OM !!! She admitted it.
I haven’t touched her phone since the end of February when I also walked in on her phone sex with an OM and took the phone out of her hand. After that blowup, she said she would break my fingers if I ever touched her phone again. A boundary she set.
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i paid for both (IC and gym memnership) for 2 years. I wish I had never signed her up.
I wish I never went to MC with my W earlier this year. We only went to 2 sessions, first was joint, second was individual. C gave her some bad ideas about separation and co-parenting arrangement in her individual session that she is running with and blaming me for criticizing because I was the one that wanted to try the therapy.
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Our lawyer appointment is tomorrow to start paperwork on D so we are on similar timelines.
I could be wrong, but I don’t foresee my W taking legal action on the D in the near term. I think she wants to continue cake eating and is spewing lies to me and the OM to keep them interested and fulfill all of her selfish desires.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
I would have definitely been in jail for assault and battery, and destruction of property in your circumstances. I'm not the jealous type anymore as I've been cheated on in the past. But you're right you have to save your composure for your children if you have them, preserve your own self-worth and morals, and just allow the to low lives to keep sinking lower, and you take The High Ground.
I hope to God you find some type of healthy release for this, and build yourself back up and detach.
I never knew what type of rage was in me until I discovered the first PA with OM 4 months ago. Physically harming her never crossed my mind, but I was on the verge of property damage wanting to smash her phone. I regained my composure and made it through over the next couple days.
Each discovery of subsequent betrayals have had a progressively less of an emotional effect on me. I think the betrayed LBS starts to develop a numbness to WWs actions to not allow them to continue to hurt us.
I’ve read some articles about PTSD symptoms associated with an affair. I feel that I suffered from this condition for 4 months from BD in November through the end of February. I’m doing much better over the past 5 weeks. I recommend a google search on PTSD affair for others that are experiencing infidelity with their WW.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
curtis let me remind you of where my WW was. I initiated BD on 12/23/2017 by confronting her on her EA. Immediately she wanted a D. Said she was going to get a job, get an apartment, and D me.
I start working on 180s, GAL and detachment on 12/26, drawing on my knowledge from the 2005 EA.
The next week she starts talking about reconciliation. "I wasn't going to say anything until after the New Year because I am not sure."
Later that week she asks me for help with some work she was doing for her business. I've always been kind of a silent partner and investor in her business. So I help her out. She is very appreciative. (I made it a priority, if you've ever seen War of the Roses, him not taking her business seriously was a big part of her wanting out of the marriage.)
She continues to flip flop between moving forward with her job, apartment, D plan, and with making future plans for us as a family. I am struggling with detachment because just when I start to do it decently, she starts saying and doing things to try to reattach me. This continues through the New Year and the first week of January. On the night of January 4th, she gets up from watching TV, and goes into the guest bathroom, she is in there for over 2 hours. This is a woman that never spent more than 10 minutes normally.
I was very suspect of what was happening in the bathroom that night. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I came across the nude photos she had snapped in the guest bathroom that night for EA OM.
We were in full reconciliation by April of 2018. Now yes there are differences in that her EAPs (OM and potential OM2) were both several states away, so they were long distance EAs. But the point is that just because she is still wayward doesn't mean she can't come out of in 6 monhts, a year, or even 2 years from now. The question you have to ask yourself is are you willing to be Plan B or C until that happens?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Curtis 7. The part about MC really gets my goat because. I was asked about joint MC in Oct of 2017, but couldn't, wasn't ready, and refused because I not only didn't realize at the time how bad things were, but also I was working a few states away staying on my project until early that Nov , and had to get the bills paid. W complained that she was always alone with S1, but this is literally just around the time she started mentioning she wants space. She then went to counseling on her own and still continuing to do so. I have not even been to counseling yet. Or invited to. She might be dropping the MC and she's going to a regular LSCW. What gets my goat is from my understanding a lot of MC are so neutral and non pro marriage, and so pro seperation that most of our WAS will run with it as a solution, since from my understanding most MCs aren't equipped to deal with changing dynamics the way DB and Michele Wiener Davis does.
How, and more importantly why, are you reading her texts? You've already verified she's unfaithful. Any reason to subject yourself to this? I think it's probably bleeding over into other parts of your life. I hope you change your focus onto your life, work, kids.
Exactly what I was going to say. Curtis, you know the situation. Quit snooping. Leave her to the mess she's making and focus on you. She's straight out of a Girls Gone Wild movie. It's not going to change anytime soon, she has to fall and fall hard.
O & AS, regarding the how, let’s just say there are breadcrumbs out there in the cloud that provide an occasional snippet. I do not have full access and frankly couldn’t handle it based on the bits I’ve seen.
Regarding the why, I would say curiosity and trying to gain insight and prepare for what might be coming. Also, perhaps my form of temp checking to peak into whether WW is increasing or decreasing.
I’ve seen enough now to know she is all in on GGW. It is unhealthy to continue subjecting myself to this type of information. You’re right that the snooping doesn’t help. I’m going to piggyback on her separation move with committing to stop monitoring her proclivities. Out of sight, out of mind.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
We were in full reconciliation by April of 2018. Now yes there are differences in that her EAPs (OM and potential OM2) were both several states away, so they were long distance EAs. But the point is that just because she is still wayward doesn't mean she can't come out of in 6 monhts, a year, or even 2 years from now. The question you have to ask yourself is are you willing to be Plan B or C until that happens?
Steve, great question on how long I decide to remain the backup plan. Not a decision I want to come to until I feel the same way over an extended period of time, like weeks or a couple months. As most LBS here, I would give anything for a lightning fast turnaround that you achieved.
Last night was tough. I felt a tremendous sense of loneliness. W took the kids to stay at her house for the first time. My D4 was excited about the bunk beds over there, she doesn’t grasp what is going on and how her childhood is about to change. My S8 was a little more subdued, but he understands what’s happening and loves his mom so this will be difficult for him.
Our marital home is quite sizable and only 3 years old, it is a very nice place. Her separation house is much older and less than a 1/3 of the square footage but recently renovated. I think the kids are curious about exploring the new house, but I would think the novelty will wear off rather quickly over there.
W hasn’t taken much out of our house. She bought a bunch of used furniture. She also told me she bought a 55” TV and then made the comment if things work out for us, then it would be a good TV for the guest bedroom. I just validated (while recalling what she texted OM1 the other day about moving forward with D) and said it would be a good TV for that room.
Our marital house is too big for one adult and part time kids. I wanted to run an idea past the members here. I have a co-worker friend that is about my age and he is looking for a different place to rent. The thought crossed my mind to offer him the opportunity to move into my guest bedroom for a few months or until if she decided to work on the MR. Is this a bad idea considering the kids and my sitch with the W?
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
I am a big fan of Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil likes to quote the statistics of the likelihood that kids will suffer abuse when there is a non-family member adult living in the home. This is usually stated in terms of step parents, but the fact is that you probably do not know this guy as well as you think you do. I would advise against it for the sake of your kids' safety.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Last night was tough. I felt a tremendous sense of loneliness. W took the kids to stay at her house for the first time.
Yes that is maybe the worst experience in S is being at home that first time with no W and no kids. It is very lonely for sure. Hang in there, it gets better with each passing day. When you have the kids back it will seem that much sweeter.
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I think the kids are curious about exploring the new house, but I would think the novelty will wear off rather quickly over there.
I think a lot of LBS's put hope into the kids not being happy with the new place and griping to the WAS about it and maybe the WAS having a change of heart over it. It never happens, I have not heard of a single example of this in my time here. I'm not saying to give up hope but just don't place your hope in the wrong places. Nothing is going to "wake up" your W except time. A lot of time away from you.
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She also told me she bought a 55” TV and then made the comment if things work out for us, then it would be a good TV for the guest bedroom. I just validated (while recalling what she texted OM1 the other day about moving forward with D) and said it would be a good TV for that room.
Please try to understand what validation is and isn't because there are a lot of misunderstandings here about it. You don't "validate" about a TV. That's just a mundane conversation that doesn't mean anything. Validation is seeking her emotions/ feelings about something and acknowledging that her feelings are legitimate whether you agree with them or not. So she says she doesn't love you, you validate. She says she's confused, you validate.
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I have a co-worker friend that is about my age and he is looking for a different place to rent. The thought crossed my mind to offer him the opportunity to move into my guest bedroom for a few months or until if she decided to work on the MR. Is this a bad idea considering the kids and my sitch with the W?
I wouldn't do that right now. Wait until your situation settles down a bit before considering something like this. In addition to Steve's concerns, I would be concerned that your W would use it as ammo against you in D to get full custody of the kids.
