It is very painful for us to go thru his while seeing them be all carefree about it. Waiting for freedom from us.
I'll tell you this. Its normal what we feel. My whole side of the family is worst than me. My father is back on his pills worried about my son, my sister got her neck rash back and indigestion. My brother is in California (I am in Greece) and he calls daily worried sick. Heck her own father (my father in law) calls me to get feedback and when I told him I get the shakes sometimes he said he is on xanax every night and sleeping pills and up to 3 packs smokes a day.
I think this blisfull cocoon our spouses are in protects them. But to play devil;s advocate, its probably to how they saw us in the eariler years when they were worried about the R. Still drastic move on their part this whole D.
B.D in December 2018 Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019 Divorced May 2019 H (me) 49 W (her) 29
Just want to talk. I don’t know why, just having a rough day. Didn’t see my kids a lot this weekend and it really stinks. Some days I am good at detaching other days it is real hard. Had a little talk with W about relationship, I know we are not suppose to. It came up because we talked about what days who has the kids. It just hurts that she has no desire to work on relationship. All she talks about is things that came up years ago and she can’t let them go. Why is it as a LBS we have a hard time detaching when they are treating us so bad. Yet it seems like it was easy for them. At least that’s what they show. Just needed a safe space to talk. I take it this “fog” is never going to lift. She said she has zero feelings for me. I hurts to hear hay when you have 19 years together and 14 years of marriage.
Wolf, I’m right there with you. 18 years together, 14 married. They treat us like an a general acquaintance, no love, no feelings of care. We have been cast aside like trash and yet it is nearly impossible for us to let them go. We cling to all the memories of the good times which they have re-written as negative. We keep imagining how great our future together can be now that we are aware of all the ways we hurt them, if only they were willing to try.
It’s easy to keep going back in forth in our minds if we should keep fighting or accept that the present is how it will always be and give up. What keeps bringing me back to standing are my kids and vows of for better or worse. I want to offer you encouragement to stay patient and have faith that happiness will return once we withstand this greatest trial in our lives.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Just want to talk. I don’t know why, just having a rough day. Didn’t see my kids a lot this weekend and it really stinks. Some days I am good at detaching other days it is real hard. Had a little talk with W about relationship, I know we are not suppose to. It came up because we talked about what days who has the kids. It just hurts that she has no desire to work on relationship. All she talks about is things that came up years ago and she can’t let them go. Why is it as a LBS we have a hard time detaching when they are treating us so bad. Yet it seems like it was easy for them. At least that’s what they show. Just needed a safe space to talk. I take it this “fog” is never going to lift. She said she has zero feelings for me. I hurts to hear hay when you have 19 years together and 14 years of marriage.
Wolf, I’m right there with you. 18 years together, 14 married. They treat us like an a general acquaintance, no love, no feelings of care. We have been cast aside like trash and yet it is nearly impossible for us to let them go. We cling to all the memories of the good times which they have re-written as negative. We keep imagining how great our future together can be now that we are aware of all the ways we hurt them, if only they were willing to try.
It’s easy to keep going back in forth in our minds if we should keep fighting or accept that the present is how it will always be and give up. What keeps bringing me back to standing are my kids and vows of for better or worse. I want to offer you encouragement to stay patient and have faith that happiness will return once we withstand this greatest trial in our lives.
curtis the problem is that while ". They treat us like an a general acquaintance, no love, no feelings of care. We have been cast aside like trash and yet it is nearly impossible for us to let them go." is true, it is only for now. It doesn't mean it is permanent. One of the most powerful thoughts someone gave me during my sitch was, after I questioned if she'd ever change her mind due to her being stubborn and not changing easily, was this:
"You are worried she can't change her mind from wanting a D. However, she took vows with you before God, and friends and family, to love honor and cherish, forsaking all others, til death do you part. And she changed from that. Why can't she change her mind again?"
Pretty powerful would you think about it.
So you are right, we struggle with giving up, but the fact that they changed their mind once proving they can again is a powerful foretelling for what is possible. You are 100% right, for your kids and for your own ethics and morals, to continue to fight for the marriage. And it certainly takes patience. No way will anyone ever be successful in DBing without patience.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Had a little talk with W about relationship, I know we are not suppose to. It came up because we talked about what days who has the kids. It just hurts that she has no desire to work on relationship. All she talks about is things that came up years ago and she can’t let them go.
Uuuuuugh. Look, there are reasons behind our advise. You may not know what the reasons are, but that does not mean you should just ignore the advice and do whatever you want. You may have heard the picnic analogy, she is inside her castle with the drawbridge pulled up and you are outside on the lawn. How can you get her out of the castle? Can you do it by standing outside the castle and yelling for her to come out and throwing rocks at it? No, but that is exactly what you are doing. The ONLY way she will EVER come out of the castle is if you sit down and have a picnic. She'll look out the window and see you out there on the lush lawn enjoying yourself. And she will start to wonder what you are up to. She may even lower the drawbridge for a better look. She will eventually approach you to see what's going on. If you make ANY move towards her- wave her over, send her an invitation, invite her in, set up a chair for her then guess what she goes running back to the castle and yanks the drawbridge up again. You have to let HER approach YOU. And it takes far longer than you want.
How do you "throw a picnic", what does that mean. It means you detach, give her time and space, work on you, and get out and GAL. It means you don't EVER ask about the M. What did you gain by asking? Nothing at all, because she's only telling you what she feels right now. She'll use words like it's over "forever" and there is "no chance" but that is still only a reflection of her feelings at this one moment in time. Her feelings may be drastically different next year, or next month, or next week. But not as long as you keep asking.
Quote
I take it this “fog” is never going to lift.
Do you think that every time you drive through fog? "Oh man, well this is it, I'll be driving through fog the rest of my life." Or do you realize that it is temporary? Why do you think we refer to it as fog?
Struggling today. Had a little conversation with W. And it’s amazing how she just cannot let go of the past. She talks about the few things I did wrong in our marriage and never lets these things go. For example, there 4 separate times we got into big arguments and I left and went for a drive and came back 3 hours later. Well she makes it out like when I left it was the end of the world. And she constantly brings that up. Last time i did that was 4 years ago. When we went to counseling the counselor said that it wasn’t bad for me to leave and cool of before I did something worse. Yet that’s all she talks about. I just struggle like so many on here because I don’t want D, but there is nothing I can do. She keeps trucking ahead. I am doing my 180s, GAL but it looks inevitable that we will end up D. If you all are wondering why D bothers me so much is because I do t believe in it, unless there is some sort of abuse. Which there was absolutely none. My detaching feels like a rubber band. I keep detaching but then all of a sudden, “bang” I snap back to really missing her and hurting. And really missing the kids!!!
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Wolfman, read any of our sitches, we have all been through these same feelings. I am vehemently opposed to D. Morally, ethically, and religiously. I can completely relate. But here is the one truth that opened my eyes more than any other:
It takes 2 to make a marriage, only one to get a divorce. And I cannot control her. I can only control me.
That is why 180s, detachment and GAL are so important. It takes the focus off of her and what SHE is choosing to do, and puts your focus and energy back on you.
You can't control her. So don't try. Every time you try to control her you push her further away.
And all of our spouses laser-focus on our mistakes. It is how they justify their actions. You can't change the past. All you can do is do the right thing from this point forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wolf...you are VERY early days in your sitch. Grant yourself the grace to be patient with yourself and how you are feeling. All of us who have gone before you can relate exactly to how you are feeling and even wrote the exact words you just did. I spent a very large amount of my time analyzing the past only to have many vets on here properly tell me that it mattered not...and yet while I understood they were correct, I did it anyway.
As you say, there is nothing you can do with W doing what she wants so the quicker you can come to acceptance of that fact the better off you will be. The other thing you must understand is that you DO have the ability to control the effect W's actions have on you. Understandably that will not be easy and you are still so fresh with all of this, but it is a truth. This was not the life that you wanted nor the decision you made, but it is your truth and you must find it within you to address it in as positive a way for your life and your children's life as you can.
Keep posting here as you need to vent, share and ask for advice. You are just entering the tunnel and there is no quick way out the other side unfortunately. Time and patience and forgiveness and grace for yourself are the tools to survive. Focus on your health, getting out of the house especially with spring coming on and when you are with your children love them like you never have before. You will survive whatever happens, but for now you simply must endure and put one day after the next.
Anotherstander thank you for the analogy. It definitely gives me a clearer understanding of what I am doing wrong and what needs to be done. I will definitely remember the castle and picnic. I wanted so bad to text her today about not doing this but that would be controlling and desperate (throwing rocks at the draw bridge). Steve I like the quote. That is true too, never thought of it that way. Thank you for both of you keeping me in check!!! Last night I gave her my half of the money for the mediator. And she saw I was not happy about this. She text me later on saying that I was not the only one hurting, that everyone is hurting from this. Again, I will not understand her way of thinking that if she is hurting, why not work on the marriage? I am just a different person than her. She has always been a “runner” constantly running from her problems.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Wolfy, I know you don't like when I post on your thread because I don't blow sunshine up your a$$. Know that I am sorry for the pain you are going through and I am trying to help you. Bitching and complaining and trying to use logic and reason is not going to work for you right now. Please respond to my questions below:
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Had a little conversation with W. And it’s amazing how she just cannot let go of the past.
Why do you keep having these talks? How are they working for you?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She talks about the few things I did wrong in our marriage and never lets these things go. For example, there 4 separate times we got into big arguments and I left and went for a drive and came back 3 hours later. Well she makes it out like when I left it was the end of the world. And she constantly brings that up. Last time i did that was 4 years ago. When we went to counseling the counselor said that it wasn’t bad for me to leave and cool of before I did something worse.
This is all BS. Do not think about it for a second.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I am doing my 180s, GAL but it looks inevitable that we will end up D.
What are your 180s and give me some examples of your GAL activities?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
If you all are wondering why D bothers me so much is because I do t believe in it, unless there is some sort of abuse. Which there was absolutely none.
Ok so you don't believe in D and she doesn't believe she can be happy again with you. So she should sacrifice her beliefs for your beliefs?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
My detaching feels like a rubber band. I keep detaching but then all of a sudden, “bang” I snap back to really missing her and hurting. And really missing the kids!!!
And she saw I was not happy about this. She text me later on saying that I was not the only one hurting, that everyone is hurting from this. Again, I will not understand her way of thinking that if she is hurting, why not work on the marriage?
Because she has been hurting a long time. In her eyes she's been hurting for years and you just started hurting. She sees your hurting as you being selfish, because in her eyes you are still blind to the hurt she's going through now and has been for quite some time. She also does not see recon as an end to the hurting, recon would be her putting herself into a position to be hurt over and over again for more years. And she is not willing to go there right now.
^^^ That is how she is currently thinking and whether you agree with it or not, you need to try and understand it.
