Just thought of something that happened in my sitch.
I've told the story before about BD, 12/23/2017. I did all the wrong things like most LBSs. However, since she also had an EA in 2005, I knew about DBing. I had read MWD's stuff, watched her videos, etc. So on 12/26/2017 I started to try to detach. Detachment is a long arduous journey. It is like shooting free-throws, you only get better by practicing.
Later that week she asked me to help her with a project for her business she was working on. She asked me to review her work and help her. My role in her business had always been as a hero. When she ran into a problem, legal, financial, customer support, etc.....I was there to rescue her from it. Here she fired my as her husband and 6 days later I was swooping in the rescue her again. 4 days after I committed to detaching.
If you are a LBS struggling with GAL, 180s, and detachment.......give yourself a break. You aren't going to be perfect. Stick to the plan, be patient, ignore the WAS's rants, tantrums, up and down emotions, etc......and stick to DBing. It will get you through.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey Steve, I wanted to reach out and see how things were going you. I think I pushed through the "is this what I want stage" once I realized we were in R. I think that point came when I was comfortable with what she was saying to me since it has been a long time since I had heard the truth.
I still have all access to my Ws accounts, phone, watch etc, but don't feel the need to look. She has been home every day for the last 6 weeks, minus one or two trips to hang out with true old friends locally who I know and she stayed in contact and more importantly came home from. She reaches out several times daily to ask how my day is, tell me how her's is, what we want to do later, when I will be home, etc.
The last 6 weeks she has opened up more and more in helping me understand her waywardness which has been very helpful and has continued to be extremely remorseful about the damage her actions have caused to our R and our family. You know that she was pretty messed up for a while from her childhood abuse, our eldest having some issues, and eventually her finding OM who could provide drugs that she just recently said was a factor in her seeing him. These were all things that she is realizing and taking 100% of the blame for and understands why she was blaming me through the whole process to make her feel like what she was doing was ok.
Fast forward and we are doing much better but I know we both have some growing to do. She has put her ring back on and wants to buy me one to wear again.
I am doing my best to keep my positive 180s in place especially the physical piece because at my age that really is a driver to my happiness. Hope all is well and and thank you for all of your encouragement and great advice throughout the process. I hope to hear that things are going in the right direction for you and yours.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Thanks lost8. Your sitch sounds like it is much improved. I just encourage you to cement your 180s. Make them the new you! (More on that in a minute.) And just keep working. I think you would agree that a lot of the problem is that we, the LBSs, got to comfortable and quit trying. One of the things I've learned through all of this that you should never stop courting your W. Never stop dating her. And never stop working to improve yourself and your MR.
One quick suggestion. I was not a fan of wearing a ring. I was always taking mine off the shower, to sleep, etc. It just never stop bugging me. I bought a pack of 5 silicon rings on Amazon. WHAT AN EYE_OPENER!!! I don't even realize I have this thing on! And they look good too. I often pull mine off hold up and then squish it to the shock of the person I am showing it too.
Okay, now to answer your question. We continue to do really well. We continue to work really well as a team, both in running of the house, and being parents. It feels so good to be free of all the tension, and all of the dread. Having put aside my NGS and being forthright and upfront with her is amazing. Just so freeing!
As far as my changes and 180s. I continue to work really hard to make sure they are cemented. I said more on being "a new you". Just last night we were joking about something that happened. I can't even remember what it was but she was saying "I was afraid you were going to yell at me." (jokingly). I laughed and said "That was the old Steve! The new Steve doesn't do that." I reflected on that later and realized that I am 16 months past being THAT guy. It feels so good. And to be quite blunt, it is refreshing! I didn't realize how much weight and baggage being that guy had me carrying around.
For instance, if you read my threads you'll see that I was a saver and fixer. I would always try to save her from her failures and fix her mistakes. And that did two things. It put an awful lot of responsibility and work on me. And it didn't let her be her, and I think that was a big part of her having felt "she lost herself". Further, it made her look at me as a dad instead of a H.
Now I realize how important it is to be a man. A husband. A lover. A provider. But that I let her have her space and let her have her learnings through success and failure herself. No woman wants to marry their father. And I am constantly checking myself not to jump in and be her dad. But to be her partner in life, that empathizes with her through the ups and downs. I am happy to say I am doing this very consistently! I can't think of the last time I said something or reacted in a way and felt like I had let myself down in this regard.
So l8, things are moving in the right direction. We are really in a good place. The last 9-10 months I can honestly say have been the best 9-10 months of our marriage. I think she would agree too.
To the other newcomers, remember. Your old MR is gone. You have to move on to a new MR, either with your WAS or with someone new.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I made it most of the way through all 12(!) of these threads, and just wanted to say congrats on your long journey and how far you've come. One thing that struck me, more than just the good results, was how you got there. You certainly did well but you were not perfect. You made mistakes. You had doubts, sometimes about the DB process, and sometimes about whether it was even worth it to continue. Yet you persevered, didn't stop working on yourself, and did as well as you could. This is important because everyone who comes here is going to be imperfect, make mistakes, and have similar doubts. It's good to see that success is still possible, that we don't need to be perfect to become the man (or woman) that only a fool would leave.
Me - 40 W - 38 T - 10 M - 8 Kids 7S, 3S, 2D BD - 2/2018, 3/2019
Steve, I made it most of the way through all 12(!) of these threads, and just wanted to say congrats on your long journey and how far you've come. One thing that struck me, more than just the good results, was how you got there. You certainly did well but you were not perfect. You made mistakes. You had doubts, sometimes about the DB process, and sometimes about whether it was even worth it to continue. Yet you persevered, didn't stop working on yourself, and did as well as you could. This is important because everyone who comes here is going to be imperfect, make mistakes, and have similar doubts. It's good to see that success is still possible, that we don't need to be perfect to become the man (or woman) that only a fool would leave.
Extremely astute and well said makofia. DBing is a journey over hilly terrain. There will be ups. There will be downs. But you have to keep moving forward.
I often use the analogy of the stock market. The stock market has daily ups and downs. No one should make judgments based on just one day. What you are looking for is a general upward trend over time. That is DBing. You will have days you DB really well. Days you will DB not so well. But if you continue and make progress over time then your results will trend up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just a small update on my own sitch. This struck me as I was responding to another LBS on this site. It is a thought I've had from time-to-time in the back of my head.
So early on in my sitch, my W was dead set on her plan to get a job, get an apartment and get a divorce. Through various things she slowly started to realize it wasn't going to be that simple. Her guilt over disrupting my D's and my lives was a big one. First was that her online D plan, when I child was involved, was bunk in our state. When I told her we'd be selling the house, I'd be moving in with a friend, and that we'd share custody 50/50, that went a long way towards her bubble popping. And the last straw was that I had consulted a lawyer. After that things moved from a resistant recovery, to her fully committing back to the marriage.
And while her actions continue to be consistent with that commitment, I have to admit that I've had thoughts over the last year that what if she just did this, with my D turning 15 last year, with the idea that when she turns 18 she'll follow through on her original plan to get a job, get her own place, and file for D? Any thoughts.
Obviously, if this were the case (and I don't think it is), the answer is to keep being self-differentiated. Keep working on my 180s. And keep being the man only a fool would leave!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey Steve, Same thing here, was my Ws recommitment because of our S14 and him being dependent on us? When the kids are gone will she go down that road again?
Who knows, I have thought about it a number of times and the reason I am here is because I finally realized that I did not need my W to be happy. Am I happy now when I am with her? yes, but with my 180s for me during the SH**show I realized there is a life outside of this marriage. Will this haunt us for quite a while? I'm sure but this was the choice we made....I still question that as well sometimes but it gets better each day and building a better MR with my W.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
