She wants space but goes back and forth wanting to hang on the couch after the kids have gone to bed to catch up on dvr'd shows and still haven't been served papers after it was brought up by her over a month ago.
I'm thinking of buying a fixer upper a few streets away. 1. It would actually be cheaper than renting and gain equity. 2. It would keep me busy and if we work stuff out I could sell it.
Thoughts on moving out and buying it? Mort Fertel says stay put and if someone wants space the one who wants space should be the one to move out.
IMO, if she is the one that doesn't want to work on the marriage and needs space, she needs to move out. I would stay put. My H could not commit to working on our marriage, and I told him that perhaps it would be a good idea for him to move out for a couple of months and it might give him clarity. He agreed. That was Oct 1. He's no closer to clarity than he was back then, but I'm happy to be in my own surroundings. Stand firm.
still haven't been served papers after it was brought up by her over a month ago.
That's pretty common. If you remove the pressure then often they won't pursue D even though they may have threatened it very recently.
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Thoughts on moving out and buying it?
I wouldn't make any big purchases right now, not until you see where things are going. Stay put. Like Grace said, the decision to stay or go should be your W's, don't make it for her. WAS's feel like their LBS has controlled and manipulated them so part of DB'ing is pulling back and giving them space and allowing them to make their own decisions. If you buy a place and move out then that may look like "more of the same" behavior to her.
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Mort Fertel says stay put and if someone wants space the one who wants space should be the one to move out.
We highly recommend you don't mix-and-match approaches. Follow Michele's books and the DB'ing approach or follow someone else's, but don't try to blend them as it usually just causes you a lot of confusion. In this case his comment is consistent with DB'ing.
She wants space but goes back and forth wanting to hang on the couch after the kids have gone to bed to catch up on dvr'd shows and still haven't been served papers after it was brought up by her over a month ago.
I'm thinking of buying a fixer upper a few streets away. 1. It would actually be cheaper than renting and gain equity. 2. It would keep me busy and if we work stuff out I could sell it.
Thoughts on moving out and buying it? Mort Fertel says stay put and if someone wants space the one who wants space should be the one to move out.
Thoughts?
Do not move out unless court ordered to do so. That is my opinion.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well I think I really [censored] up. Last night she left her phone downstairs which she never does (she is in a upstairs) bedroom and I snooped. I turned the phone on and had saw her swipe her code in earlier in the day.
Earlier in the day we also ran into a coworker of hers (her boss) and chatted a bit at the store. Backstory (A couple of weeks ago her phone chimed and it was face up as I walked by it and it said signal message. I asked her what Signal was and she told me it was a message app her and her coworkers use to fly under the radar on company phone bc it auto deletes messages after a set time.)
So at 2am I turned her phone on and went into Signal and a message was sent to her from him moments after we parted ways in the store saying(T'was a little awkward). And that was the only one bc the others timed out. So I went into her normal messenger and everything before Nov 30 is deleted. There was a couple of other weird texts. Her telling him Signal, FYI or Choppy is "sick" today. And something to the affect of 1/2 day for the kids on Friday and the other response "ugg" . His wife is a para-professional and would be home around lunch. We all live within 5 minutes of each other, work and school.
So when she turned on her phone this morning messages, facebook and other texts popped up as coming in at 2am. She asked me if I had turned her phone on and I said yes and then asked her why this guy would send "awkward" to her moments after us parting ways.
She rambled off some i don't knows and maybe this and that. They also attended a conference together with other workers in Nov. and travel together for a day a month for meetings.
We both walked away and went to work with me shaking my head, wondering.
Thoughts? DB squashed bc I broke trust or did I finally get to the bottom of why it is just a plain no go from her working on the marriage?
I don't know. I think I could get past it? But she will not admit it and keeps saying She does not want to work on anything and of course blaming me and if she does admit it they both would be caught in a scandel. So there is a lot riding on her keeping quiet.
