WAW says... part 2

[Jamine]

Here's the thing. After this vacation, I do feel like I've dropped the rope. I know that lots of people say this, but W clearly has no love, respect, or even cares for my well being anymore. She's also entirely unpleasant to be around (except for a few fleeting moments), and I've gotten quite a bit of attention from other women since my wedding ring came off.

I may very well WANT to leave by June, but I need to make that decision for myself.

[Jamine]

Since last night, when W and I had our conversation, and she stormed out of the house, I've been flooded with text messages. All of them telling me that "I need to be out by June 1st". I've responded sparsely, and without emotion (even though all of her messages have been very charged), saying things like "I do not agree to this date", or "this date is not acceptable to me", "I've been consistent in rejecting this date. You should not expect any other answer".

Now she is asking for a compromise, that I leave for the month of June and I can have the house back in July. I don't want to do this, but I'm not sure how to communicate this back to her. She isn't listening to anything that I've said. I'm pretty sure there's a hidden agenda here, but I won't attempt to guess what that is.

[AnotherStander]

"I'm happy to review and add the numbers on the separation agreement by this weekend. I understand that you're upset that I won't leave the house, but this is not your choice. I've made no effort to control your actions during this process, and I'd appreciate if you'd stop trying to control mine. Your time away from the house has been completely voluntary, and you return at will; I've never asked you to leave or stay away. You are welcome here, but I cannot sacrifice my happiness and career objectives to please you."

Opinions? Is this too much justification?

Yes too much justification. Just simply state "we've already discussed this, I am not leaving the house and I have nothing more to say on the matter." If she keeps texting then just quit replying. About every 10 texts say "see my previous response." You're doing a great job of keeping your cool in the face of her temper tantrums, keep it up!

[Ready2Change]

My 2 cents:

"I'm happy to will review and add the numbers on the separation agreement by this weekend. I understandam sorry that you're upset that I won't leave the house, but this is not your choice. I've made no effort to control your actions during this process, and I'd appreciate if you'd stop trying to control mine. Your time away from the house has been completely voluntary, and you return at will; I've never asked you to leave or stay away. You are welcome here, but I cannot sacrifice my happiness and career objectives to please you."

[Jamine]

Thanks for the input! I haven't replied to her last request to "share" the house (i.e. move out during June), but if she persists I'll continue follow this advice.

I feel like I've messed this up beyond repair, beginning with my initial exit per her request, before I discovered DBing. I don't even know if I want to R at this point, but is it even possible? At this point, my greatest hope is that W can have a normal conversation without screaming at me or leaving the room.

W started this out by telling me that "I'm her best friend", that "I've been an amazing husband", and that she "loves me". Now she can't even have a conversation without making some ridiculous demands and going ape [censored] when I don't immediately cave. This has all been with extremely limited to no communication...it's just gotten worse every day since BD. Who is this person?

[Ready2Change]

W started this out by telling me that "I'm her best friend", that "I've been an amazing husband", and that she "loves me". Now she can't even have a conversation without making some ridiculous demands and going ape [censored] when I don't immediately cave. This has all been with extremely limited to no communication...it's just gotten worse every day since BD.

You are using the wrong measuring stick. Do not believe things are worse just because she is more angry (or expressing her emotions).

[FlySolo]

At this point, my greatest hope is that W can have a normal conversation without screaming at me or leaving the room.

I remember this. Between BD and him MO (6 months) all I ever saw in my H's eyes was resentment and anger. It seemed like if I breathed too loud I would get yelled at. There were times when I couldn't wait for him to finally MO, times when I wanted desperately for him to stay, and times when I just didn't know. And it showed. I cried, I raged, I demanded answers and I hid in the shadows. The me today would love to tell the me then to just maintain the high ground, and, hard as it may seem, not always let him set the temperature in the room. The me today would love to tell the me then that it was not me that caused the anger, but something inside him that was raging and that no matter what I did or didn't do, that he would rage all the same. So I might as well just let him rage. And go about my life as best I could, not be baited into arguments, and not demand answers when he had no answers to give.

I know it plays like a tape on repeat, but GAL, 180 and detach. You admit you don't know if you even want to R, but how can you tell if you are constantly in the eye of the storm. Get up in the morning and say "It's a new day", write a list of goals for you, start small (I will make my bed every morning, I will go to the gym three times a week, I will read one non-fiction book per week) and work on achieving those. Make that your focus. Not whether you will R or not. When you start to achieve those things, I promise that your mind will be calmer and you will be in a better place to decide what you want.

Don't get drawn into the crazy.

[SoTorn]

W just made a bunch of excuses to check me out while I was changing. I had just lifted, and felt super good about myself. I could see the look on her face, and while she didn't say anything outwardly, she kept coming back in to ask inane unimportant questions, "what does this notification on my phone mean?"

I know it has no bearing on our relationship, but damn did it feel good to be looked at like that.

Thats awesome. They definitely notice wnen you look good. I have dropped almost 100lbs. I look amazing. My STBXWW has never experienced me in this shape and never will. I catch her staring at me all the time. It really seems to piss her off that I am finally looking amazing. After she decided she was done with me already.

Keep it up. But remember, that your health is for you to appreciate, not for her.

[Jamine]

You are using the wrong measuring stick. Do not believe things are worse just because she is more angry (or expressing her emotions).

Is there any way to measure progress, outside of how I feel? I feel relatively detached. Seeing her yesterday made my heart flutter a bit, but I honestly feel like I don't know W anymore. Does her constant anger mean anything, or should I ignore her emotions? I'd like to be in a place to not hate each other after D, but I'm no longer willing to give myself up for her.

I know it plays like a tape on repeat, but GAL, 180 and detach. You admit you don't know if you even want to R, but how can you tell if you are constantly in the eye of the storm. Get up in the morning and say "It's a new day", write a list of goals for you, start small (I will make my bed every morning, I will go to the gym three times a week, I will read one non-fiction book per week) and work on achieving those. Make that your focus. Not whether you will R or not. When you start to achieve those things, I promise that your mind will be calmer and you will be in a better place to decide what you want.

Don't get drawn into the crazy.

I'm feeling pretty confident about my reactions. I'm definitely internalizing her emotions, but I've gotten very good at validating, keeping a smile on my face, and not visibly reacting to her wild emotional swings. Yesterday I started training at a boxing gym in town, and will maintain my regular workouts and other hobbies. Although I just got back into town, I'm definitely going to keep GAL. I'll also write down some goals tonight before I go to bed - most of these have been in my head so far.

Thats awesome. They definitely notice wnen you look good. I have dropped almost 100lbs. I look amazing. My STBXWW has never experienced me in this shape and never will. I catch her staring at me all the time. It really seems to piss her off that I am finally looking amazing. After she decided she was done with me already.

Keep it up. But remember, that your health is for you to appreciate, not for her.

Wow, I'm impressed! I hope to keep increasing my fitness through workouts and now boxing. My confidence is way up these days; I got hit on more than once on my vacation. I'm doing it for me, but the looks from W are definitely icing on the cake.

[SoTorn]

Attention from other women is so nice. I get tons. I actually have a girlfriend now thats 13 years younger than my STBXWW.