Persistent Endurance (Part 2)

[LH19]

C,

Please do not make any decisions based on the thought that your W might decide to work on the marriage. Unfortunately if this happens it will most likely be years down the road.

[curtis7]

Steve, AS, LH, thanks for the 2x4 on not bringing in a roommate.

I went to the gym last night to escape the emptiness of the house, then invited my neighbor over for a late night drink, which helped.

Looking forward to picking my kids up from school today and having a great night with them.

I was curious if anyone can recommend some sitches to read of WW that have moved out and in active PA’s that R? I could really use some success stories to give me hope.

I keep reading sitches of others to learn more on DBing along with what works and what doesn’t. I read JoeJoe1’s sitch and it was inspiring, any other recommended threads similar to mine?

[curtis7]

Had my kids back in the house last night. My D4 was whining and wanted to stay at mommy's new place because she liked the bunk beds and being able to eat dinner in the living room since she doesn't have a kitchen table yet. That hurt, but I know my D is too young to consider my feelings for what she says.

So, my W sent an email this morning with a proposed parenting plan for this month. Basically, starting tonight the overnight schedule would be:
W 2 nights, H 2 nights, W 3 nights
then
H 2 nights, W 2 nights, H 3 nights
etc

This results in rotating Friday and Saturday nights, then rotating Sunday-Monday, then rotating Tuesday-Thursday.

W plans to be at our marital house between 6-7pm each weeknight to ride and care for her horse and again at 10am on weekends. So, I think this means she plans to pick the kids up from school everyday as has been our normal routine.

W also noted that she doesn't want to leave care of our marital property solely on me. She offered to bring the vacuum to clean the floors and help with lawn care, etc. I'm not sure how I feel about this, I'm perfectly capable of managing the home, especially if I won't have the kids on a daily basis.

She commented that she wants both of us to see the kids every day when humanly possible. It's still unclear to me how this is all going to work. I don't know if she is planning to eat dinner as a family each week night and then take the kids to her place on her overnights. Lots of uncertainty here. She is open to suggestions and changes.

This is very weird, seems like she will be around me quite a bit. Is this a good thing during separation? I'm trying to distance myself and give her time and space. Should I make myself scarce when she's here? This all seems to be massive cake eating to me in that she can benefit from many of the perks of married life, then go off to participate in her active A's.

Any feedback and recommendations is appreciated. Thanks again to everyone for the support. This community has helped me detach tremendously from her words and actions affecting my spirits.

[Twofeet]

It's all about boundaries. You need to think about what your boundaries are and how you will enforce them. She sounds like she wants to cake eat, ie have her nice domesticated H and enjoying family life while her other life is being a GGW. If it was me I would start living life as if you were on your own. If you are S then be S, no family dinners. This might be brash, but you might even consider charging her rent to board her horse.

[neffer]

Hi Curtis, I´m neffer. This is my first time writing to you. I´m sorry and glad you are here...

Just take a step aside and figure if that routine is actually what you want. Don´t fall into her controlled environment. DB basics establish no contact except for the kids, detach and GAL. You need to show W what separation means. I completely agree with TF above. IMHO you are baking a big big cake there.

Stay strong there Curtis, keep your boundaries and stick to DB.

[Ready2Change]

So, my W sent an email this morning with a proposed parenting plan for this month. Basically, starting tonight the overnight schedule would be:
W 2 nights, H 2 nights, W 3 nights
then
H 2 nights, W 2 nights, H 3 nights
etc

This results in rotating Friday and Saturday nights, then rotating Sunday-Monday, then rotating Tuesday-Thursday.

Sounds like a 50/50 plan. I would agree to that.

W plans to be at our marital house between 6-7pm each weeknight to ride and care for her horse and again at 10am on weekends.

I would give her two choices that you are OK with. 1) Pay you board for the horse. Take the horse elsewhere. (Don't let her cake eat) She moved out. That means get all her stuff out of YOUR house.

So, I think this means she plans to pick the kids up from school everyday as has been our normal routine.

H"That doesn't work for me anymore. I will be picking up dropping off the kids during my parenting time."

W also noted that she doesn't want to leave care of our marital property solely on me. She offered to bring the vacuum to clean the floors and help with lawn care, etc. I'm not sure how I feel about this,

H"Thanks for the offer, I'm perfectly capable of managing MY HOUSE"

She commented that she wants both of us to see the kids every day when humanly possible. It's still unclear to me how this is all going to work. I don't know if she is planning to eat dinner as a family each week night and then take the kids to her place on her overnights. Lots of uncertainty here. She is open to suggestions and changes.

"H, I think it is best if we both get the time and space we need to heal."

Any feedback and recommendations is appreciated. Thanks again to everyone for the support. This community has helped me detach tremendously from her words and actions affecting my spirits.

let her "feel" the consequences of her choices. She moved out. She should miss "the family" she broke up. You parent during your time. She parents during her time.


I suggest setting an exchange time of 6p. (Or whatever time works for you). And who ever has this kids drops them at the other parents place. Pickup parent [censored] waiting around.Negotiating every time [censored]. School days, the exchange happens after school. Whoever's night it is picks the kids up.

[curtis7]

TF, neffer, & R2C,

Thanks for the responses. I just replied to her email mostly asking for clarification and buying more time.

I haven't commented on the horse situation yet. It's our property, but she is the one that made the choice to leave. The question is when should she start feeling the pain of that decision including access to the kids.

Answered this one a little softer than R2C advised: "Thanks for the offer, I'm perfectly capable of managing MY HOUSE"

I need some time to mull this over and decide on my boundaries. This is kind of a catch 22. If she's around on a daily basis, then she can see my 180s and GAL, but there's not much opportunity to create a void and miss me plus I'm baking a massive amount of cake. Rapidly approaching a serious tough love decision.

Hopefully, I'm getting better at validation, here was my reply:

"I can see that a schedule needs to be set for the kids for the reasons you noted. We should make sure they have time with both of us because they need that."

"Could you help me better understand the drop off and pick up plans? Are you saying that whoever does the overnight drops off at school and whoever has the overnight picks up from school?"

"I see where you're coming from on advanced notice for schedule changes that pop up."

"Tell me more about what you suggest on weekend days? Are you asking if we are still keeping them all day at the overnight house on the weekends?"

"It must have been a really hectic and stressful week for you with the move. It sounds like the kids are excited by the newness. I'll think about your offer to help take care of the property. I know that you will have a lot going on at your house the next few weeks and I am capable."

"I will need some more time to process the schedule."

[LH19]

C,

You can't use a soft approach on a stage 4 wayward like your wife. It makes you look weak.

Forget about validation with her right now. Practice on your children, friends and coworkers.

[curtis7]

Haven’t posted in a few days and am settling in to the separation and the parenting arrangement. Kids stayed at W’s house Friday and Saturday night. They were back with me Sunday and Monday. Now, they will be with her the next 3 nights. I have been able to see my kids everyday when W comes over to take care of her horse.

Saturday was 5 months post-BD. My S8 had a baseball game that morning. W brought the kids over before the game to get his gear. She just sat in her car in the driveway for 30 minutes texting away and didn’t come in the house. She continued to isolate herself at the game, sitting alone and glued to her phone.

After the game I watched the movie Fireproof and was amazed how it paralleled several experiences in my sitch. It had me teary eyed a few times as I could feel the pain of what he was going through. If only it was that easy to reconcile and we all could have a Hollywood ending. I do plan to check out the book referenced in the movie, but I gather the actions in the book are not easy to implement when separated.

On Saturday night, I went to a friend’s 40th birthday party. I had a blast with a fun group of people that care about me and even sang some karaoke (first time). My 40th is coming up at the end of May. A group of women (mom’s from S8’s baseball team that I coach) at the party offered to plan a get together for me to celebrate. I think I’ll take them up on the offer. Should I have them invite WW?

On Sunday morning, W brought kids over and she took her horse out for a ride. She told me how great her horse was coming along with her training when she returned. She also told me about how the landscaping at her new place was such a mess and that she had uprooted about 100 pineapples. All small talk, have avoided relationship talk altogether for well over a month now. I’m not interested in R while OM are in the picture.

I had two awesome days with my kids. We played some board games, went to volleyball, cleaned the house, and read books. Baseball practice was rained out yesterday and when I brought the kids home W was waiting in the garage while texting and hadn’t gone in the house. I guess she is trying to respect that it is my house now and she doesn’t want to intrude. She fed her horse, came back in the house and sat with D4 for 5 minutes. She asked if I needed any help getting dinner ready. I replied, no thanks I got it. She seemed annoyed, then said goodbye to the kids and left. D4 asked her why she had to go. My S8 told me he doesn’t really like it at her place and wishes he could stay at our house all the time and for mom to come home. I told him I want the same thing and hopefully someday so does mom. I wonder if she feels any remorse for tearing the family apart.

[IHCLACS]

Curtis7. W and I were given Fireproof when W were 1st married. 10 years ago. Great movie . I watch it frequently, and have read the Love Dare, and have tried implenenting it to no avail. I'm approaching 39 this year.
.