The only advice I did not agree with was moving back in and taking back the MBR. Only because she is buying me out soon, and to move back in to move back out in a month seems pointless. Other than that, I want advice I want to be the beat at DBing. I don’t mind the 2x4’s either. I want to do what works. What other decisions were made out of fear? I am just very confused on what to do sometimes. I hope I didn’t scare any vets away because they think I am not listening. If that is the case I am sorry to all and want to be on track!!!
I hope and pray that in 6 months, when she still hasn't bought you out, that you won't be kicking yourself for not heeding that advice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LH thank you for responding. Here is a list of how I changed, keep I mind these are things according to her I wasn’t doing or doing well after BD. 1. Every night I go into the kids rooms and kiss them goodnight. 2. I don’t yell or scream when the kids misbehave. 3. Make eye contact when she is speaking to me. 4. Keep track of kids activities. 5. Don’t argue with her and take Her advice. As as a plan what are you referring to? I am GAL, detaching. One comment. For the last 6 months I was living in the house she would always complain that this was no way to live with both of us there. I know I should have never left. But just on the flip side for a moment this has given space.
Last edited by Wolfman; 04/04/1906:10 PM.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
LH thank you for responding. Here is a list of how I changed, keep I mind these are things according to her I wasn’t doing or doing well after BD.
Ok. So she gave you a list of complaints so did you even think about whether these were even valid complaints?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
1. Every night I go into the kids rooms and kiss them goodnight.
Well this is great that you are doing this now but do you think this will change her feeling towards you?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
2. I don’t yell or scream when the kids misbehave.
What do you do now when this misbehave?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
3. Make eye contact when she is speaking to me.
Again good, but again change her feelings?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
4. Keep track of kids activities.
Give me some examples?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
5. Don’t argue with her and take Her advice.
Oh so you are trying to placate her?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
As as a plan what are you referring to? I am GAL, detaching. Ok. So your definitely not detaching that is why you are often questioned if you read the book and are doing the homework.
[quote=Wolfman] One comment. For the last 6 months I was living in the house she would always complain that this was no way to live with both of us there. I know I should have never left. But just on the flip side for a moment this has given space.
I can't comment on this anymore. You will look back one day and see why it was a big mistake to leave and a big mistake not to move back in.
One comment. For the last 6 months I was living in the house she would always complain that this was no way to live with both of us there. I know I should have never left. But just on the flip side for a moment this has given space.
Originally Posted by LH19
I can't comment on this anymore. You will look back one day and see why it was a big mistake to leave and a big mistake not to move back in.
Looking back, it was one of the biggest mistakes I made. Learn from my mistake. I was weak.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
LH and Steve thank you. Let me explain my big fear here. I live in NY and child support is 25% of your gross income for 2 kids. For me that works out to be almost one paycheck every month. It is hard to live in NY on one paycheck a month. Since we went to mediation instead of using our own lawyers I got her down to 14%. That is half of one paycheck for me and still have my other one. Now if I move back in (we haven’t signed anything yet) she can say she wants the full 25%. Just so you know that is a difference of $600 a month for me. And instead of using a percent, I got her to agree on a set number. So that 14% is what I make now and won’t change. We locked in that number. Normally it’s 25% every year of what you make, so it will increase every year. That is my big dilemma. Let me know what you guys think now? Wouldn’t you guys be afraid?
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
My wife does work, but since they will be living with her most of the time that’s how it works here. I don’t want to get into it but there is a lot about how an50/50 split works.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Let me ask all you guys hear something when it comes to spirituality, mindset,, knowing yourself in your truth, and self-acceptance, for everything all your achievements all your accomplishments and all your mistakes and some of the things that you know you can change and some of the things that you think you can't for yourself. All the fears and all the positive reinforcements. This is what I think we all struggle with on a daily basis is fear. My wife has flip-flopped on things at least six times and I flip flop on wearing my wedding ring three or four times, even while hard for me to off and put away. When I put it back on the last few times, it would because of I believed in my vows to her the marriage and God, but then there were moments where I reacted to her, her words in her feelings, how she still wants to separate and doesn't believe this can be worked out.
Do you see what we have here people? We are a bunch of flip-floppers needing and seeking guidance and assurances that we are doing things right, rather than examining what's right for us. allowing someone else's opinion of us and our marriage to determine our self-worth and our truth.
Wolfman I'm a hypocrite, Some days I'm up and some days I'm down. Some days I'm fearful and some days I'm fearless. We are all just human. But Wolfman you need to take stock on whether this person is right for you right now. I know the past and the memories and the history does play a role in wanting to save the marriage, and I know that our thoughts of a future without them could scare you $hittless.
I just realized this today after IC. If you're not ready to make a decision whether you want to stay or leave, stand for the M or walk, then you don't have to make that decision today until you are ready. But when you do decide to make that decision one day go all-in or all-out, and stand on it. Stand on it regardless of what your wife says to you and which way she wants to go. I realize that I know it's difficult but flip-flopping get you hurt and get other people hurt. Hence being in limbo land. It becomes a game of who wants to get their feet wet first. They're putting their telling okay I'll put my cell when they're taking their till out okay I'll take my toe out. Make your decision for you and stand on it. This is probably why everyone on here says " I need some time and space to think about that" when responding to the WAS
