Midlife wife crisis3

[Ready2Change]

My wife does work, but since they will be living with her most of the time that’s how it works here. I don’t want to get into it but there is a lot about how an50/50 split works.

Fair enough.

[IHCLACS]

where I was going with my last post Wolfman is confidence. Either you are your W's husband or you are not. By your own judgment and standards and beliefs. Everything you do, think, decide, feel, and act, do with confidence, for yourself, your family and your marriage, stop regretting past mistakes and learn from them and move on. I'm starting to realize that Satan wants us trapped in doubting ourselves in fear and that we can can't earn our way back to our self worth.

Don't let your wife determine your self-worth. And don't let your wife determine how you act around her. if she says something or ask you something and you aren't ready to make a decision on then state such. Trying to be confident and decisive in everything you do.

Something else I realized the reason why relationships start in the first place is because people are present in the hear and now, which creates intimacy. I've been stuck in my own head for so long with all my problems and self-esteem and mistakes, but I'm sure people can notice when I'm not present physiologically. I noticed it in my wife's birthday pictures the other day. I wasn't there and I wasn't present. Unawaringly I probably have been doing this with for years because of all the problems piling up in my life which ultimately led me to the demise of my marriage.

You don't have to reconcile today or tomorrow or at all. take the pressure off and just enjoy one day one moment one hour at a time with no expectations. If possible try to enjoy your wife's company if she's not being rebellious, one minute at a time

[Ready2Change]

great post IHCLACS.

[Wolfman]

LH, R2C, IHCLACS thank you for your posts. IHCLACS your last post was amazing, really gets me thinking.
LH let me try to address your questions.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
1. Every night I go into the kids rooms and kiss them goodnight.

Well this is great that you are doing this now but do you think this will change her feeling towards you?
I think it will show I am trying, putting in effort and possibly.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
2. I don’t yell or scream when the kids misbehave.

What do you do now when this misbehave?
I give them a time out or take their electronics away.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
3. Make eye contact when she is speaking to me.

Again good, but again change her feelings?
It shows her I am more paying atttention and really care about her.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
4. Keep track of kids activities.

Give me some examples?
I put them in my phone now, so I know when the activities are and where.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
5. Don’t argue with her and take Her advice.

Oh so you are trying to placate her?
No her complaint was I NEVER listened to her and I am taking most of her advice not all of it.

[Wolfman]

Yesterday was a very crazy day. My d recently got in trouble with my w that everyday when she gets home I have to take her phone away. I’m home before my w and pick the kids up from school. So why d is real slick, when she gets off the phone she calls her grandparents (w parents) so I can’t take her phone away. So, I have a her few minutes to talk to them, then I told her she has to give me her phone. She refused, I said give me the phone that is long enough, she said no, so then I took the phone and told my w’s father that she is not allowed to have her phone you can call her on the house phone. Well my D threw a fit. Because of what’s going on between my w and I my d thinks she has to show my w she is on her side by being horrible and mean to me. That’s a whole other story. My D then called her grandparents and was saying how horrible I was to her then called my w how mean I was being to her. I had to go to my IC appointment and had a babysitter come over. So, I left and my d was saying for me to give her phone back before I left, I responded sorry that is your punishment and then left. While I was in the waiting room, my w called me and said what is the craziness going on at home. I said no craziness, I took her phone away like you instructed and she threw a fit that’s all. She said this is ridiculous how much my d despises me and doesn’t want to be around me. I told her she is trying to side with you because of our situation. My d has severe separation anxiety from my w. She is going to IC for it for years. My w said she can’t take this and this is one of the reasons why she doesn’t want to come home. After my IC she text me she wants me to come home to resolve this problem between my d and I. She wants to understand what my d problem is with me. When I get there I could see my w was in a very bad mood. I sit down on the couch and my w calls my d in the room. My w asked her what her problem was with me. She wouldn’t answer. My w asked her 4 times and then started to yell in her face what her problem was with me. My d then said for her to get out of her face. Then my w lost it. She started screaming, tried to flip the glass table, I caught it, I tried to calm her down but she lost it. When she flipped the table her cell phone fell on the floor she tried to stomp on it. I stopped her from doing that, then she went into the dining room and threw the dining room chair. She went into the kitchen and started to slam things around. Then she said I’m leaving and walked out of the house. Now my d was crying hysterically. I had to try and calm her down. When I finally calmed her down I was trying to talk with her. Side note: when I first met with my lawyer months ago she had advised me if my w were to ever “lose it” to record it. So now when I was talking to my d I took my phone out and started to voice record. In case my w came back. Sure enough in about 10 minutes she came back. I had my phone on the table and put it in my pocket. She saw me put the phone in my pocket. She said what are you recording this? I said no, she said let me see your phone. I said I started to record this because you are not acting rational. She “lost it” again, screaming how dare I, that is an invasion of privacy, she was going to call the cops on me. That she wanted to see my phone. I told her she couldn’t. This went back and forth about seeing my phone and what was I going to do with the recording. I told her it was to show her how she was acting. Honesty I was nervous about what she might do, that’s why I recorded it. I finally showed her that I deleted it. There is more to the story I’ll post again soon.

[Wolfman]

I am concerned for my w’s mental health. This is the second time in a week she has “lost it”. This d is really getting to her. She is going to end up at a psych ward. Maybe the vets can help me answer this question. To me it seems like she is having a really hard time with getting D, then why is she doing this? Again help me figure this out, why not work on the M?
Anyway back to last night. Around 7:30 I said the kids still haven’t had dinner. So I said I have to pick something up for dinner. I ran out picked up some food. When I got home I gave the kids their food and she said can I talk to you upstairs. So I said sure. She started off with what was I going to do with that recording. I said nothing it was to show you how irrational you were acting and because my d lies all the time when I have a conversation with her. She said she doesn’t believe me. I said was all, but again she asked why, why would I do that? Again I said to show her how irrational she was and because my d lies. I asked how many times do I have to explain that. I said I erased it I showed her my phone. Then she started with I never thought I would ever do this to her. I said what record her? She said that and that our life would be here. She says she doesn’t trust me anymore. I said I understand why you would feel that way. Then she started on R talk. That she can’t believe that we are here in our M. That how did I not know that things were bad? I said I am sorry I did t realize how bad things were. The. Again she changes her story about how she feels. She said when was the last time I walked out of the house. I said 4 years ago, she said back then is when she started to lose love for me. Side note: she has said to me she started to lose love months before our separation, the. It was a year, then 2 years, now we are up to 4 years. She said why do you think I had a panic attack a year ago? I said I thought it was work, the kids running around to all of their activities? She said no it was us? I told her back then I asked what she thought was the cause of it and she said she didn’t know. And she said yeah I didn’t know what was causing it. So, I responded if you didn’t know back then, how was I suppose to know it was us? She said I never tried to do anything to fix our situation? I said it never seemed like there was anything wrong. Again, she said how could I not tell, when she said she didn’t want to come home some days? I said I thought you said that because everyday we were running for our kids activities. She said no it was us. I asked what though, her response was when I was on the phone making business calls and when she would get home I didn’t say hello to her when she got home. I told her I was on the phone with clients. I’m also a real estate agent. I told her as soon as I got off the phone I came and said hello to her. She was like yeah 5 minutes later. I said you are right I should have come down the stairs while I was on the phone and said hello. I couldn’t help myself but I said not for nothing you blind sided me with a divorce. She said how did I not see it coming? I said I didn’t. If you would have sat me down and said look if we don’t fix xyz then I want a divorce don’t you think I would have fixed everything? Again she said how did I not know? I asked her did you k ow why you were so anxious all the time? She said no. I said then how was I suppose to know. Her response was I should just know. I said I know all the problems now and can fix everything and make this a great marriage. Her response was yeah now. I said right, now. She said I wanted those things before this. Again, I said if you didn’t know how was i suppose to know? She said I should have figured it out. Look I know my DB was not the best but I had to get some things off my chest. She said when she was hurting I did t help her. I told her I always asked what I could do to help. She said she wanted me to be her rock when she was suffering. I apologized for not being her rock when she was suffering. It was getting late, so we then put the kids to bed, went downstairs to eat. After we ate I gave her a hug and said sorry for everything and for not being her rock. There is a lot more conversation that happened I just can’t remember it all right now.

[IHCLACS]

This is great material Wolfman. This illustrates exactly what we all seem to experience here. I actually just wrote something similar in my sich about such, how Men are "emotionally clueless" at "reading the signs and the minds" and women expect us "to just know" Men are logical creatures, and women are emotional ones, yet we both expect one another to relate to each other the way we would think, feel, act, ourselves. Perfect learning opportunity for relationships, if only it didn't come with the burden of seperation, divorce, resentment, shattered trust, and such. Also if only we could let go of the past trangressions, the fear of the uncertainty of the future, sit down in IC or a DB session, express our feelings and concerns without hostility, and find a solution. (FBT.)

Her flipping out to that magnitude is unacceptable behavior, it threatens the well being of the household and those around her, but yet understandable given her emotional stress. (see the compassion there.)

I struggle with that around the house when I'm emotionally frustrated. (I bang counter tops sometimes) even though I find a perfectly acceptable from the household that I was raised in, my wife finds is unacceptable especially as a behavior specialist because it threatens our well-being and safety and she finds it scary. I've actually gone into BPD DBT training and I'm in my third week but it's helped immensely with writing out my feelings and putting consequences actions thoughts an origin to them on paper, and in writing. It's kind of like trying to reframe your behavior under triggers. Sometimes it easy and sometimes hard to do, but teaches emotional regulation. Be that emotional Rock for your wife and your daughter set the example and teach them lovingly.

You also did right in recording that incident, for legal purposes, and then had a very good save and recovery on the explanation to the wife. Good job on validating too. May I suggest that you recommend to your wife, once she feels that anger boiling to put it on pause and go right out of feelings or go scream outside or something to temporarily release the anger and stress, until she can return to it examine it and understand what she needs to do to correct bad behavior. If she is open to it that is.

I'm sorry you have to experience all this turmoil but you're still doing a great job

[IHCLACS]

If your W wanted those things before this boiling point, keep reminding her that the both of you are in the here and now, you are willing to address those things in the here and now, you are aware of those things in the hear and now, and you are willing to make good and try and change those things in the hear and now. If she responds "too little too late", validate her and say I'm sorry you feel that way" and that you think this is the perfect growing opportunity to learn, grow, and put past differences and resentments aside. Put the ball back in her court, and let her know that you are there if you ever want discuss it or address it in the future. Do all this without bringing up the marriage or the relationship or the status of it. (Think here and now with no pressure of status or proclamation.) That is being present my friend.

[AnotherStander]

I am concerned for my w’s mental health. This is the second time in a week she has “lost it”. This d is really getting to her.

The D isn't getting to her. You are. Or at least, her perception of you right now. In her eyes you are the source of all her trouble. She feels like you've got a bad R with D as well, and that she has to intervene to try and smooth things over and that is making her very angry.

Maybe the vets can help me answer this question. To me it seems like she is having a really hard time with getting D, then why is she doing this? Again help me figure this out, why not work on the M?

We've been over this several times. It's frustrating having to explain the same things over and over again to you, things that are in DR and that we've also talked about here in your thread. I wonder if maybe this is a source of your W's frustrations as well, that she goes over things with you and you immediately forget and ask her about it again? Is this something she's mentioned? You might want to work on that, perhaps start getting creative with note-taking. As I've gotten older I've had to keep more notes/ reminders than I used to. But to quickly recap, while S and D may be difficult for her, in her eyes it is MUCH worse to stay with you. Leaving is the "lesser of two evils".

Here are my observations from that long exchange you had with your W. One is that you need to work on your R with your D. Get her into IC if you can afford it. Another is you want to avoid family meetings with W. Handle things through text or email. If she wants to have a meeting to discuss something then just tell her no, the last few have gone poorly and you are not going to let it happen again and all discussions need to be via text. Another is that you need to work on that listening and validating. You keep falling back into defending yourself which is a natural reaction, but one you've got to learn to resist. Lastly, quit lying to your W. I'm talking about the recording. You recorded it for your L, then lied to her what, like 4 or 5 times about it. Why? What's wrong with the truth? "I recorded it because my lawyer asked me to, he feels this is something that may have bearing in court." Put her on notice that you're not dealing with her BS, and if she chooses to treat you like that then you will record the moment to use later as you see fit. AND DON'T DELETE IT.

[Wolfman]

IHCLACS and AS thank you for your words of wisdom. IHCLACS I will use those words wisdom, “here and now.”.
AS you are right about me forgetting things. It is something I definitely have to work on. And yes that has been a complaint from my wife. Honestly, I should have a little notebook with me. I guess for me, I just struggle how she can think divorce will be better than working on the problems? Trust me I get what you are saying AS. Honestly, my lawyer way back when said to record her if she acted like that, but we are using a mediator now. So we aren’t even going to court. I was going seriously use it to show her how irrational she was acting. Lately she seems to forget the things she says to me and does. I had no intention of using the recording for anything but that. I know I could have done a better job validating. I just felt like how long can I continue to take this verbal abuse? There hasn’t been mention of Alpha male and for the past few months I have been anything but that. So I agree with validating I think it is a great tool to use and I like using because it does work. But I feel like I needed to stand up to her for certain things. Again I know that goes against DB. Trust me all I kept saying in my head was validate, validate, validate. I can see all of you saying it on here. Lol Thanks for keeping me on track. Sorry if I ask you to repeat things. Played football from 11-28. Player in little league, middle school, high school, college then semi pro. So my brain [censored]!! Definitely need to improve memory.