Midlife wife crisis4

[AnotherStander]

They invited you out to dinner and she said, “your parents never call me to see how I am doing.” I told her I understand how frustrating that can be.

Good validating response.

Then again she brought up the recording how vindictive I am by doing that. I explained it was to just show her later on how irrational she was acting.

Why no validation here? You've already been over this. She doesn't want or need another "explanation". Just tell her "yes I can understand why you saw that as vindictive and you are right, I shouldn't have done it."

He said I am always family no matter what happens and he said he doesn’t want this to happen either. I said thank you again for thinking of me. It was shocking to hear him say that. But also it shows what my w is doing doesn’t make sense when her own parents don’t agree with what she is doing.

He bought you dinner, that's all. It does NOT mean that he sides with you and thinks his D is "wrong" to leave you, that he disagrees with it, or that it doesn't make sense. You're reading way too much into what was just a kind gesture. He's just trying to keep the peace with you because he knows you and W's lives will forever be intertwined as coparents.

It also angers me that her own parents can’t talk any reason into her, and they know what she is doing is not right.

She's a WAS. There is no reasoning with a WAS, surely you've gathered that from your time here. Her parents should absolutely not try to intervene on your behalf. They should remain as neutral as they can, although rest assured if it comes down to picking sides they will pick hers because blood is thicker than water.

[Wolfman]

AS she caught me off guard with the vindictive comment. The last response, I should have mentioned I know that they can’t change her mind. I know that she is the only one that can change her mind. I know they will always pick her side. Especially since they are giving her the money to buy me out. Oh and I paid for dinner. I did it as a way to say thank you to her parents. It was my way of saying thank you for inviting me, I told her dad that too. He did not want me to pay and i told him he didn’t have to invite me either. Just my way of saying thank you. Right now I don’t have any expectations just trying to do the right thing.

[SteveLW]

Hang tough, Wolf.

[Wolfman]

AS and Steve thanks. I don’t know why I just feel depressed today. I just want to get these emotions out and I feel this is a safe space to do that. With every interaction it seems to be so lost it is with w. Sometimes I feel like saying look we are getting along and can make this work, but I won’t because that Ken pressure and I do not show it either. Another thing that is really bothering me is my D. I can see how angry she is becoming. My w doesn’t want to believe it’s because of our situation. I won’t tell my w because again I don’t want her to think I am using that to pressure her to get back together. Another thing with the spring coming I hope my w is prepared that now she is going to have to hire a landscaper and someone to open the pool and take care of it. Again, I don’t want her to want me back to do those things, I want her to want me back because she loves me. I can see she is still full speed ahead because she mentioned we have to figure out how we are going to work out Easter and the spring break. In the past we always did a lot of fun things together during the break, now it will be half the time and just with the kids. I am a family man and this just hurts. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids but miss the whole family dynamic. Thanks for listening.

[neffer]

That´s why you need to keep DBing. Be strong there.

Patience, time and space. Keep working on yourself. Try to detach some more. It will help you to release anxiety.
Kids know something is happening, they just don´t know how to react. Be there for them, listen to them, validate their feelings too.

Patience!

[Ready2Change]

We are emotional beings. First with you, have you been crying? If not, learn to do this in private. Your typical guy has so many suppressed emotions. Expressing all these emotions(sadness,frustration etc) in a healthy way is part of the process.

As far as you D, validate her feelings. Guide her through this. Be a safe person for her to talk to. Listen to her story.

Dad "Honey, you look angry"

[AnotherStander]

With every interaction it seems to be so lost it is with w.

Yes and it will continue for quite some time. This is why you should keep interactions at an absolute minimum. Every fiber of your being is telling you that you need to convince her that things are salvageable, that you need to "nice" her back. I get it, we were all there. But you've got to stop listening to your "sixth sense" on this because it is WRONG. It will not work. I think you hear us and you understand us, but your intuition is overpowering the advice and you are still throwing yourself in front of your W at every opportunity and still trying to enlist the help of friends and family to intervene. You're doing it and you're convincing yourself that you are -not really- doing it. I understand, it is hard to overcome your intuition. But until you do you will be forever stuck in limbo.

Sometimes I feel like saying look we are getting along and can make this work

That's not on the radar for now. It takes TWO to make a relationship work and she is completely unwilling right now. So you have to detach, get out, GAL, leave her alone, and be more patient than you've ever been about anything in your life. If you love her then you must let her go and let HER decide whether to come back, and when the time is right.

Another thing that is really bothering me is my D. I can see how angry she is becoming. My w doesn’t want to believe it’s because of our situation.

You want to blame W for this. That's a natural reaction. But is it W's fault? Or is it yours for "driving her away" (that's how she sees it)? Or is it shared fault? Is D "angry" because of the split? Or is she angry because she sees so much anger and hatred and resentment between her parents? There are no black and white answers to those questions. When it comes to kids you've got to show a united front if at all possible. No blaming, no anger, just two people united in support of their kids. If they struggle then you talk to them about it. You listen, and you validate. She says she hates your W? You DO NOT agree with her, but you DO validate her feelings. "It sounds like you are frustrated, is that how you feel?" "Yes, I hate that this is happening!" " I am sorry you are hurting, I am sure this is very difficult on you but we are both here to support you no matter what, because we both love you very much." Kids need to know that A) this is not their fault and B) no matter what, both parents love and support them.

I am a family man and this just hurts. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids but miss the whole family dynamic.

I understand, that was very difficult for me as well. All you can do is make the time you do have with your kids that much more important. Cherish the time you spend with them because take it from me, that time is short indeed whether you stay married or not.

[Ready2Change]

Every fiber of your being is telling you that you need to convince her that things are salvageable, that you need to "nice" her back. I get it, we were all there. But you've got to stop listening to your "sixth sense" on this because it is WRONG. It will not work. I think you hear us and you understand us, but your intuition is overpowering the advice and you are still throwing yourself in front of your W at every opportunity and still trying to enlist the help of friends and family to intervene. You're doing it and you're convincing yourself that you are -not really- doing it. I understand, it is hard to overcome your intuition. But until you do you will be forever stuck in limbo.

AS is point on. He is very wise.


Set her free. Wish her well. Be confident. Always do the right thing even if no one is watching. Fight for 50/50 custody of your children because it is the right thing to do. Face your fears head on. Do not let fear control you. Be attractive. Be seductive. Be impeccable with your words. Do not make assumptions. Don't take anything personally. Always do your best.

[Wolfman]

Neffer, R2C and AS thank you for your words of wisdom. I know I am suppose to detach and GAL. Which I have been doing. I completely understand I can’t “nice” her back. The one issue and you can help me better understand is putting my self in front of her. I really haven’t been doing that. Maybe I am missing it. That was one of her complaints of the past, she feels we did not spend enough time together, I am trying to find a happy medium with being around a little bit not completely ignore her and/ or always being around. I really do appreciate everyone’s advice and trying real hard to do what you all are saying. AS you are probably right with me trying to convince myself I am not doing those things. The one thing I never had was patience, man am I learning the hard way how to have it. I have definitely learned not to take things so personally when she speaks, that has helped me. I understand recon is not on her radar right now, hopefully with everyone’s guidance one say I can get her there. This is why I come on here all the time, so you all can keep me on track. Thank you everybody for your help. I really do appreciate it!!

[IHCLACS]

Wolfman. I hear you with the patience part. Not taking everything so personally, and learning the hard way. I'm getting ready to file just after 6 months. My patience has run dry. I can only imagine what our WAS were feeling for years. Too bad they didn't communicate it properly.