Midlife wife crisis4

[Wolfman]

IH don’t be in such a rush. I understand how you feel my patience is gone too, but I don’t want to look back and have the should of, could of would of’s, hang in there. If someone told you it will take another 6 months and it will be hard but you will reconcile and your marriage will be better than ever, would you wait? Understand there are no guarantees here, but that’s what I remind myself every time I want to move my d along. There are 2 women I work with who were WAS. One told me it took a year before she realized that her husband was great and she had a great family. The other told me it took her almost 2 years(I don’t know if even I could wait that long) before her “fog” lifted and realized she too had a great husband and family. I use these 2 women’s stories to remind me to be patient when I have none.
Question for the vets. Want to know if I did the right thing. Yesterday my w and I were talking about how we are going to handle Easter. She said she would like to take the kids to brunch with her family. I said sure no problem. I said what time were you thinking? This way they can spend time with my family too. She said there is a brunch at 2pm. I said that sounds great. I told her I will take the kids to my parents house in the morning for bagels then. She said that would be perfect. Then she asked if I wanted to go to brunch with them? I told her no that was fine for her to enjoy her time with her parents and the kids. She said, “you can come there is no reason you can’t.” I said, “if that is ok that would be great and I would really appreciate having brunch with them.” She said no problem. I asked her if she wanted to join us for bagels at my parents house and she said no. She is not happy with my family because she said they never call her to see how she is doing in all of this. How do I validate my family not calling her? After all my family knows that she wants to d me and are not happy about it. My question did I handle it well? Or should I have said no? Again want to make sure I am on the right track.




I spoke with one of those women (WAS) a lot about what she was feeling and the whole process if people are interested in hearing the perspective from a WAS, I would share her story. It helps me try to understand this “madness”.

[SteveLW]

IH don’t be in such a rush. I understand how you feel my patience is gone too, but I don’t want to look back and have the should of, could of would of’s, hang in there. If someone told you it will take another 6 months and it will be hard but you will reconcile and your marriage will be better than ever, would you wait? Understand there are no guarantees here, but that’s what I remind myself every time I want to move my d along. There are 2 women I work with who were WAS. One told me it took a year before she realized that her husband was great and she had a great family. The other told me it took her almost 2 years(I don’t know if even I could wait that long) before her “fog” lifted and realized she too had a great husband and family. I use these 2 women’s stories to remind me to be patient when I have none.

Great advice here. I saw IH's email and thought "6 months? That is a baby sitch." I always advise the LBS try DBing for at least a year. After a year I don't think anyone could accuse you of being impatient. Depending on the circumstances, obviously.

Question for the vets. Want to know if I did the right thing. Yesterday my w and I were talking about how we are going to handle Easter. She said she would like to take the kids to brunch with her family. I said sure no problem. I said what time were you thinking? This way they can spend time with my family too. She said there is a brunch at 2pm. I said that sounds great. I told her I will take the kids to my parents house in the morning for bagels then. She said that would be perfect. Then she asked if I wanted to go to brunch with them? I told her no that was fine for her to enjoy her time with her parents and the kids. She said, “you can come there is no reason you can’t.” I said, “if that is ok that would be great and I would really appreciate having brunch with them.” She said no problem. I asked her if she wanted to join us for bagels at my parents house and she said no. She is not happy with my family because she said they never call her to see how she is doing in all of this. How do I validate my family not calling her? After all my family knows that she wants to d me and are not happy about it. My question did I handle it well? Or should I have said no? Again want to make sure I am on the right track.

Validating is easy. "No, I don't want to come. They've never even called me to see how I was doing." You: "I can understand how that would make you feel, but thought I would ask none-the-less."

However, you shouldn't have reciprocated. Remember the analogy of the cat that I and R2C like to use. Let her come to you. If she had offered to come for bagels, then you could have agreed. Remember, avoid all pursuit and pressure.

As far as if you should go to brunch. Different folks will have different perspectives. My opinion is to do what you really want to do. If you WANT to go to brunch, then do it. If you do not, then don't. Is it a good sign that she invited you? Maybe, maybe not. More than likely it is more about maintaining a post D friendship than actually Ring. Being friendly for the kids sake and being friends is two completely separate things. I would never confuse the two. I probably would have said "no thank you".

In my sitch (remember BD was 2 days before Christmas), we were heading out a couple of days later for her side of the family's Christmas get-together. I said as we were getting ready: "I can't believe this is the last time I will be getting together with your family for the holidays." She said: "You can still come. There is no reason that you couldn't still attend." (Her family and I have a an awesome relationship. All of her aunts and uncles, cousins and I get along great. Her dad and step-mom, and mom and step-dad love me. Her grandmother and I have a very special bound.) I responded: "No, I don't think I could. It would be awkward and weird. Plus what if we move on with other people? And, would you feel comfortable coming to my family's get-togethers?" Her: "No." And then that is when she first started to back away from her decision proclaimed on BD.

The point to all of that? Remember the sense of loss that sandi talks about? Not having you at family functions is one piece of that. Especially if you have a really good relationship with her family.

[neffer]

The point to all of that? Remember the sense of loss that sandi talks about? Not having you at family functions is one piece of that. Especially if you have a really good relationship with her family.

This is a step after step process. So what Steve´s saying is a step forward into it. She needs to feel the loss. Things changed, so she must FEEL that.

Use your time wisely, Cadet´s says.

[bubbs16]

I spoke with one of those women (WAS) a lot about what she was feeling and the whole process if people are interested in hearing the perspective from a WAS, I would share her story. It helps me try to understand this “madness”.

we have heard from a few was on the forum but I would like to hear their story.

[Wolfman]

Steve and Neffer thank you for the advice. I really do want to go but I also want to do what works. And what works is more important right now, if that leads to reconcile. I dropped the ball there. So should I never accept these sort of invites? Can and should I go back and say it would be better if you just went with your parents? Or just let it be? Knowing my w probably better if I just let it be. And next time I definitely won’t reciprocate. Again I want to do what works!! Thanks for the advice.

[IHCLACS]

Steve85 and WM. I can identify with both family situations as I have had those talks as of recently and as of yesterday. I was invited, and I politefully declined, as I don't want to play family or give off the wrong impressions, or mixed signals, or generate confusion. We have also had the speculative discussion of attending future family gatherings, being invites, bringing dates, and other relationships. etc, since it seems to work in her family's dynamics, but not mine.

W actually tried to invite herself to brunch with my family for Easter. She wants to see my Mom. I said you are welcome to hang out with her independently one on one anytime you like, and I think she would enjoy your company and would like to see you. But I tbink its best not to confuse ourselves, or family members at this time. She respected that. Lets see if the loss kicks in? I doubt it.

[AnotherStander]

The one issue and you can help me better understand is putting my self in front of her. I really haven’t been doing that.

Well it's tough when you're under the same roof. She wants time and space but you are always there, even if you're not trying to be.

That was one of her complaints of the past, she feels we did not spend enough time together, I am trying to find a happy medium with being around a little bit not completely ignore her and/ or always being around.

You need to understand that her complaints are not because she wants you to fix those things now. She doesn't. She's just explaining why it's over. In time if she decides to work on things THEN you can do a 180 on that. But for now you've got to give her as much time and space as you can.

She is not happy with my family because she said they never call her to see how she is doing in all of this. How do I validate my family not calling her?

She just said "no" in response to you asking if she wanted to go, so that is not an opportunity to validate. If she's talking about her feelings about something, then you validate.

My question did I handle it well? Or should I have said no? Again want to make sure I am on the right track.

Sometimes there's no right or wrong answer, and no one thing caused you to land here and no one thing is going to make or break your sitch at this point. Easter is kind of a kid thing so I think it's fine to go in support of your kids. It's important to have ZERO expectations about it though.

[Wolfman]

A woman I am friends with told me about her situation that she went through 4 years ago. At the time she didn’t realize what she was doing or going through. Only now looking back she realizes that she was going through a MLC and WAS.
She said it started when she got into an argument with her h. She said she doesn’t know why something inside ignores her snapped and she decided she was done. So she moved into the guest bedroom to be away from him. She said she couldn’t even stand the sight of him. Anytime he was home she would just leave the house, she told me many times she would tell him she was going out for coffee and then come at 11pm. They have 2 kids twins that were 2 at the time. She said she just wanted to live her life, she started to go out on the weekends with her girlfriends. She said at the time she wasn’t looking for anyone she just wanted to be free. She was tired of all the responsibility. She said on purpose she would be mean and nasty to him, just so he would leave her alone. She told him she didn’t love him anymore she was done and wanted no part of him. They worked out a schedule with the kids. On his days she would leave and come home late. Again no other guy involved. She said about 4-5 months in she went to a d lawyer to get a d. When she found out how much it was she couldn’t afford it at the time. During this time she also told me her h had a great relationship with her family. And they were constantly arguing with her what is she doing she has a great h. She said she didn’t want to hear any of it. She just wanted to do what she wanted to do. At about 8 months she said her and her h got into a big fight and he moved in with his parents. Around that time she then found OM. It started off emotional, she said he made her feel good about herself. It started to get physical. During that time she would on occasion do things as a family with her h and he would flirt but nothing came of it. At about the 1 year mark the OM was pressuring her to get a d. She said when he started to do that is when she started to realize she would have to start all over again. The going out and being free was getting old OM is pressuring her for d, her parents were not happy with her. Her “fog” started to lift and she said she realized little by little she had a good h and she does love him and her family. They started to talk about reconciling and eventually they did. She explained that did not happen over night either that took time. Today 4 years later she said her m is better and stronger than ever. She said if she could have afforded that lawyer back then she would be divorced today.

[Wolfman]

My w is at this morning. I get a text early this morning from her: Couple of things:; 1. We have to figure out what to do with diamond (that’s our Siberian husky dog). I’m tired of cleaning piss and poop every day, I’m already gettin g screwed with this house and I refuse to let it be a $*it house. It already smells because of these dogs and now I’m not doing this every day. Second: no video games for brayden or tv. He loses his shoes every day. He is down 4 pairs and has no clue where they are. That was the text I received 7:30 this morning. My response was, I am sorry you are having a tough morning. Not a good way to start off your morning. Maybe with Diamond leave her out overnight. This is what she wanted to have the house and fire me as her husband. I use to clean up after the dog (she is only doing this because she is 15). Ow she has to do it and hates it. I am a little confused on how she is getting screwed with the house. If she means she has to take care of it, what did she expect she was going to have to do when I was gone? She is the one who wanted to keep the house. I don’t think she truly understood how much I did when I was there and now she is starting to get a taste and she doesn’t like it. I k ow in her mind i am to blame because we shouldn’t be in this position. Just wait the spring is here that means leaf pickup, weeding, mowing the lawn, opening and keeping up with the pool. Which i did all by myself and never once complained to her about all the work. She will not do it which means she will have to hire someone and she is already complaining about money. You guys have mentioned she needs to feel my loss, this is one way she will feel it. Not looking for her to be punished but she took me for granted everything I did. I would say maybe she would appreciate me more but I know with her mindset right now she will resent me more because she will feel I stuck her with all of this.

[LH19]

W,

Do you want her to want you back just because she misses her Butler?