Great info thanks. So I have been DBing well the last few days without any slip ups. Last night she slept far closer to me in bed and initiated physical contact. Just her leg over mine. I guess that is progress as opposed to her almost falling off the bed?
Also during the R I was guilty of going to hang out with friends without really checking if she minded or needed help with the kid. I was invited to an event by a buddy tonight but am worried that if I go it will seem like more of the same to her. Just leaving her at home to deal with kid/housework. Any advice?
Yeah words of affirmation like that seem so foreign to me. Hopefully with practice I can feel more comfortable. I’ve read that a compliment a day is a good rate?
Have you googled examples of words of affirmation? There's quite a bit online. I envy people who seem so gifted in verbally expressing encouragement and appreciation. I think some men want to compliment their W, but get stuck after, "You look nice". I call that one, the husband compliment.
I think your W gave you enough of a bomb drop to get your attention, which is good. Hopefully, you can turn things around before a third party gets in the picture. You have already started helping out with the child and around the house. Is your W employed or is she a SAHM? One thing I caution H's when they decide to pitch in to help at home, is not to do all the work while she does nothing. Taking care of the little one is big help. Some women like the feeling of teamwork, and actually doing the chore together.
You have been advised to read "Sandi's Rules", which are intended as a guide. Until we know more about your situation, I caution you not to get extreme with these rules. If you have any questions about one them, please feel free to ask.
It sounds as if your W has felt emotionally disconnected to you for a while. Have you detected feelings of resentment from her? If so, do you know what it was about?
The more you can tell us about your W, and about your marital history, the faster we may be able to help.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Great info thanks. So I have been DBing well the last few days without any slip ups. Last night she slept far closer to me in bed and initiated physical contact. Just her leg over mine. I guess that is progress as opposed to her almost falling off the bed?
She'll go back and forth. Sometimes she'll warm up to you, other times will be cold. Don't read anything into it.
Quote
Also during the R I was guilty of going to hang out with friends without really checking if she minded or needed help with the kid. I was invited to an event by a buddy tonight but am worried that if I go it will seem like more of the same to her. Just leaving her at home to deal with kid/housework. Any advice?
Sounds like a 180 on that would be to talk to her about it. We do talk a lot about GAL'ing here, but don't just disappear without telling her and expect her to watch your kid. Too many LBS's do that and it just looks like more dick behavior.
I have been using words of affirmation which got a genuine thanks yesterday. Today I wasn’t fully awake and said “those glasses look great on you” which got the response of “ok”.
She works and usually takes the kid to and from daycare. I have noticed that since I started DBing she has been asking me to do things in a way that seems like she is testing me. For example last night I spent the good part of an hour going into our sons room to get him to sleep (just started getting to sleep in his own room). After I got him to sleep she said “here’s the baby monitor, you can get up with him in the middle of the night.” I responded “I just spent a lot of time getting him to sleep, it’s your turn to get him next”. She did not react angrily to this and accepted by putting the baby monitor on her bedside table.
I have read your rules and found them very helpful. Is complimenting a form of pursuit?
I suppose it could feel like pursuit if you were to overkill. If there has been a ripple in the MR and the H suddenly starts pouring on compliments, yes......it can be felt as pursuit. I've seen some cases where the W was rolling her eyes b/c all he did was compliment her physical appearance. After a while, they can sound a little flat or empty.....maybe even a little fake. You have to realize, she's let you know she is not happy with the MR, and although it's great you are working on 180's, just don't over do it with compliments, b/c she'll probably see an ulterior motive behind it. For now, I suggest you limit it to one per day, and gradually build the number. You want to work on how you say it, and change it up.
Words of affirmation is about uplifting that person's spirit. If you hardly ever gave your W praise for anything, and now compliments are flowing out of your mouth, she probably sees it as your way of getting on the good side of her. The talent lies in how you word things, And also, find ways to uplift her that have nothing to do with her physical appearance. Her response to you saying her glasses looked great on her, sounds as if you may be doing similar compliments to the point of them sounding too much alike. Again, I encourage you to google examples of words of affirmation. Women like to hear they look good or something looks good on them. However, there is more to us than just sitting around looking pretty. So, express how she does certain things very well, brag on her being a good mother, appreciate the great meal she cooks, etc. I think she sees through what you are doing with this 180, so again, just start out a little and let it build.
Is your W a SAHM?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, no she is not a SAHM. I have been working on the words of affirmation. I had one yesterday that was along the lines of “ I’m amazed at how well you interact with our son”. She seemed to genuinely appreciate that. It’s been about a week and a half of DBing and things seem to be going well.
I have really focused on listening to her and asking questions instead of just giving a reply. I am continuing my 180s and she seems to be opening up a lot. She is initiating conversations far more often than the week of BD. I believe she has even started pursuing me. She initiated cuddling in bed a few times last night. She told a joke this morning and was very interested if I found it funny.
I am going to stay the course and will not start any R talks. Continue my words of affirmation. Continue my 180s and stay the course. Things do feel as if they are looking up. Granted it hasn’t been that long. Thanks for the advice!
Things have been up and down the last few days, I have been doing a good job of GAL. My wife has been questioning me a lot lately. For instance I got off work early today. She had work off today and was home with our son. I stopped by the house to change and casually said I was going to lunch and asked if her and my boy would want to come. She said no. I then said okay see you later. Then she started questioning, “ who are you meeting” “ your just going by yourself?” I gave pretty short answers as I read I should.
When I came home she was questioning me again. “Who did you have lunch with?”
Why is she questioning me so much all of a sudden and how should I be responding to these questions? Detail? No detail?
Because she is "temp checking" you as they call it around here. She wants to see if you are seeing anyone else, and is testing you to on how you are going to respond to it. She wants to know if she still has you as plan b. Plus the more you socialize, dress nice, take care of yourself, it raises your social and sexual attraction and value. The fact that she was home with your son, and you were going out and having fun may have something to do with it too.
So, express how she does certain things very well, brag on her being a good mother, appreciate the great meal she cooks, etc. I think she sees through what you are doing with this 180, so again, just start out a little and let it build.