Hey guys, new to the forum but have been reading threads for the last week. A little background on my situation: Been married to my high school sweet heart for 1 year, together for 7. After high school we broke up for a while and both messed around with other people. Ending up getting back together and have lived together for almost 6 years. We have a 10 month old son.
Lately she has been acting similar to what I would describe as a WW. She handled far more housework and child care than I do which I think really stressed her out, almost as if I was another child. She also is usually far more affectionate and used to love cuddling and hugs. I am the HD in the relationship. And was really neglecting her love language. A few months ago my father passed away. I was pretty devastated and I’m sure my attention to her greatly decreased as well as my helping with the kid and around the house.
So I don’t know if this counts as the BD but this is what happened: A few weeks ago she was leaving for work and I went to give her a kiss which I haven’t been doing much lately. She avoided it which was the first moment I understood something felt really wrong. I texted her about it later and she said something along the lines of: “ I’m just in a weird funk. I feel a big disconnect from you.” When I asked her more about it she said: “ I don’t know what to do about it, we will just have to work through it if we can”.
This was tough for me. I am the one who is always fixing stuff around the house and fixing the cars so I felt like I needed to do something to fix the situation. Maybe 4 days after the text conversation I couldn’t stop thinking about the situation so I brought it up one night in bed.
This is what I consider the BD. We talked for a while about our relationship. She said many things but the main points were: “ you don’t speak my love language. (She has read the book). I am unsure about my future with you. I see you in my long term life but not my short term.” She said she loved me and was still attracted to me. She did not mention divorce or separation and seemed like she was unsure of what to do. She also said she felt like she lost who she was.
After doing some reading I realized what she had said was seemingly like she was thinking about leaving the relationship. That week after the BD she showed the signs of WW. Cold, distant, sleeping basically off the edge of the bed. Squirmed away from my touch. During that week I would kiss her goodbye in the morning and tell her I loved her. She would say it back but some days would tell me to kiss her on he head, not lips.
The week of the BD I made many mistakes before finding DB. I called her one day at lunch and was very upset. Asking do you just want me to move out. She said I don’t know. I asked when she would know and she said she wasn’t sure. A day later I got upset again at home with here. We had another R talk that I initiated. I told her I was really trying to change (I know this is a big no no now) and if she get different. She said she saw that I was trying and that no she didn’t feel different.
The next day (about a week ago) is when I discovered DB. I really started focusing on improving myself and not worrying about changing her. I have put most of the DB rules into practice and have not been pursuing or starting R talks. I have been present but will not start the conversation.
I have been doing many things different such as hair cut, clean shave. Not playing any video games. Getting up early. Being far more involved in child care. Been far more involved in pulling my weight in house work. I bought the 5 live language book and am reading it.
I feel that there have already been some positive changes in the R. For example the week after the BD when I was pursuing and pressuring her she barely spoke to me at all and acted very uncomfortably around me. The past few days I have been DBing she has been far more active in starting conversations and is actually talking to me quite a lot at home. Yesterday I did a lot of DB and even left to run errands without telling her where I was going or when I would be back which I don’t think I have ever done. Last night in bed I said goodnight. She said goodnight I love you. Which she hasn’t said first in maybe a month. Since I have started DBing she has mentioned a few times that I am being weird. She has warmed up to me verbally but is still cold physically.
I don’t believe there is OM. I have gone through her phone in the night time and the hours she is not at home are accounted for.
I’m just confused on what to do. I read in another thread that if I was in affectionate and distant in the R that if I keeping doing that it will be more of the same. I have been trying to compliment her more which is her love language. I have had mixed results. At first she wouldn’t even respond but yesterday I did get a thanks.
Should I keep complimenting her or is that pursuing? How can I detach without it being more of the same that caused the R problems in the first place? Should I ever initiate and I love you? And when will I know that she is ready to reconnect?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks for all the reascources, I will be sure to check them out.
A current question I have is about touch. A week ago if I tried to touch my W she would recoil or go to the other side of the bed instantly. Last night she was in the middle of the bed instead of the edge. She let me touch/massage her for a few minutes before moving away. Is this an improvement or a sign that I shouldn’t touch at all?
Hey guys, new to the forum but have been reading threads for the last week. A little background on my situation: Been married to my high school sweet heart for 1 year, together for 7. After high school we broke up for a while and both messed around with other people. Ending up getting back together and have lived together for almost 6 years. We have a 10 month old son.
Lately she has been acting similar to what I would describe as a WW. She handled far more housework and child care than I do which I think really stressed her out, almost as if I was another child. She also is usually far more affectionate and used to love cuddling and hugs. I am the HD in the relationship. And was really neglecting her love language. A few months ago my father passed away. I was pretty devastated and I’m sure my attention to her greatly decreased as well as my helping with the kid and around the house.
So I don’t know if this counts as the BD but this is what happened: A few weeks ago she was leaving for work and I went to give her a kiss which I haven’t been doing much lately. She avoided it which was the first moment I understood something felt really wrong. I texted her about it later and she said something along the lines of: “ I’m just in a weird funk. I feel a big disconnect from you.” When I asked her more about it she said: “ I don’t know what to do about it, we will just have to work through it if we can”.
This was tough for me. I am the one who is always fixing stuff around the house and fixing the cars so I felt like I needed to do something to fix the situation. Maybe 4 days after the text conversation I couldn’t stop thinking about the situation so I brought it up one night in bed.
This is what I consider the BD. We talked for a while about our relationship. She said many things but the main points were: “ you don’t speak my love language. (She has read the book). I am unsure about my future with you. I see you in my long term life but not my short term.” She said she loved me and was still attracted to me. She did not mention divorce or separation and seemed like she was unsure of what to do. She also said she felt like she lost who she was.
After doing some reading I realized what she had said was seemingly like she was thinking about leaving the relationship. That week after the BD she showed the signs of WW. Cold, distant, sleeping basically off the edge of the bed. Squirmed away from my touch. During that week I would kiss her goodbye in the morning and tell her I loved her. She would say it back but some days would tell me to kiss her on he head, not lips.
The week of the BD I made many mistakes before finding DB. I called her one day at lunch and was very upset. Asking do you just want me to move out. She said I don’t know. I asked when she would know and she said she wasn’t sure. A day later I got upset again at home with here. We had another R talk that I initiated. I told her I was really trying to change (I know this is a big no no now) and if she get different. She said she saw that I was trying and that no she didn’t feel different.
The next day (about a week ago) is when I discovered DB. I really started focusing on improving myself and not worrying about changing her. I have put most of the DB rules into practice and have not been pursuing or starting R talks. I have been present but will not start the conversation.
I have been doing many things different such as hair cut, clean shave. Not playing any video games. Getting up early. Being far more involved in child care. Been far more involved in pulling my weight in house work. I bought the 5 live language book and am reading it.
I feel that there have already been some positive changes in the R. For example the week after the BD when I was pursuing and pressuring her she barely spoke to me at all and acted very uncomfortably around me. The past few days I have been DBing she has been far more active in starting conversations and is actually talking to me quite a lot at home. Yesterday I did a lot of DB and even left to run errands without telling her where I was going or when I would be back which I don’t think I have ever done. Last night in bed I said goodnight. She said goodnight I love you. Which she hasn’t said first in maybe a month. Since I have started DBing she has mentioned a few times that I am being weird. She has warmed up to me verbally but is still cold physically.
I don’t believe there is OM. I have gone through her phone in the night time and the hours she is not at home are accounted for.
I’m just confused on what to do. I read in another thread that if I was in affectionate and distant in the R that if I keeping doing that it will be more of the same. I have been trying to compliment her more which is her love language. I have had mixed results. At first she wouldn’t even respond but yesterday I did get a thanks.
Should I keep complimenting her or is that pursuing? How can I detach without it being more of the same that caused the R problems in the first place? Should I ever initiate and I love you? And when will I know that she is ready to reconnect?
Thanks, sorry for the long read.
My W's love language is word's of affirmation. When she was wayward, and we were in the throws of our sitch, I would find non-sexual and non-visual compliments to give her. "You always have such keen insight into such things." "I am amazed at how well you handle stressful situations." "Your perspective is always so good when it comes to conflicts between people." I would thank her for some of them. "Thank you for helping me see it with empathy, I wasn't doing that before."
Slow and steady. You can't erase years of not being affectionate and being distant over night. It takes time. Baby steps.
Also, make sure you understand that DBing, and detachment, are not being distant. If you are being distant then you are doing it wrong. Read the detachment thread and understand it.
Sorry you are here, but I am glad you found us in your current sitch. We can help and offer support.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I would start off treating her like a cat. Do not chase cats. Let the cat come to you. Be welcoming. Some place through this process, you might need to treat her like squirrel. Anything "Frighting" will make the squirrel run off. Do not scare the squirrel away. If you do, learn from that and don't do that behavior again.
Thanks for the quick reply’s. Yeah words of affirmation like that seem so foreign to me. Hopefully with practice I can feel more comfortable. I’ve read that a compliment a day is a good rate?
In regards to being distant. I wouldn’t say I have been. I have been present and when she talks to me or asks me something I have been responding in a confident and positive way. We have even had a few good laughs the last couple days. I feel that our verbal communication has really improved since BD but it’s the physical touch that feels off. And I can’t tell if her moving to the center of the bed is her giving consent for me to touch her in a non sexual way?
Thanks for the quick reply’s. Yeah words of affirmation like that seem so foreign to me. Hopefully with practice I can feel more comfortable. I’ve read that a compliment a day is a good rate?
You get 1 point for each genuine compliment. You need lots of points to fill her daily love bucket.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
but it’s the physical touch that feels off. And I can’t tell if her moving to the center of the bed is her giving consent for me to touch her in a non sexual way?
No. Let her touch you first. (The cat has to jump on your lap before you can pet it)
day time nonsexual touching should come before touching in bed.
Last edited by Ready2Change; 04/09/1907:12 PM.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Sorry you are here, but you are, and lets make sure, you pull through this with dignity, grace and assured, that you, no matter the outcome, can look back at some point in the future with respect for how you chose to conduct yourself in this situation.
So how do you go about doing that? you already have the heavy lifters advising you, and no matter how counterintuitive the advice you get here may sound - I advice you to trust in the proces, because as I usually say: "A lot of people with different backgrounds, from various places around the world come here to find aid, and they all have one thing in common: 95% of the times the narrative of our stories are exactly the same, it is just the people in our stories that are not.
Listen to your wife, validate her and be kind and do not try to fix her - she is not fixable - she is most likely either questioning her life aka "is there more than this - could the grass be greener? - am I missing out?" or she met someone else and you will learn in time, and she just creating a fog to hide her behavior. I can't say wether its A or B, I can just say that let time reveal the truth.
In the meantime, focus on you, because right now she needs her space, and the cat metaphor, Ready2change told you about is great. Let her come, and then listen, but dont try to lure the cat in, thats pursuit behavior and will just push her away.
As hard as it might be, right now she is free renting all your mental space, and you need that space in order to save yourself from an extremely mental taxing situation. So, don't let her - evict her from your head, and use that space to do something good for yourself.
I am rooting for you - I might make all of this sound incredible easy, and I, together with most on this site, lived your situation, so we know its not, and by no means am I trying to come of as arrogant or bashing - I am just trying to keep you from making my mistakes, and the mistakes of so many others that I have talked to on here since I began DB'ing.
(hugs)
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
So I don’t know if this counts as the BD but this is what happened:
Yes that's consistent with a WAS's behavior.
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A few weeks ago she was leaving for work and I went to give her a kiss which I haven’t been doing much lately.
Avoid physical contact. She doesn't want that right now and may even be repulsed by it. It's a very common mistake to try and double down on affection after BD, but that's the worst time to do it. No kissing or physical touch unless she initiates. No "I love you". That's pressure and right now she wants zero pressure.
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I am the one who is always fixing stuff around the house and fixing the cars so I felt like I needed to do something to fix the situation.
Yes that's a guy thing, and you've got to let go of that. You fix it by not fixing it. You fix it by giving her time and space and working on yourself.
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I told her I was really trying to change (I know this is a big no no now) and if she get different.
Quite right, don't TELL her, SHOW her. And don't expect immediate results. It takes a lot of time.
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She said she saw that I was trying and that no she didn’t feel different.
She's being honest. You can't expect her to change her mind in days or even weeks and maybe not even months.
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I have been doing many things different such as hair cut, clean shave. Not playing any video games. Getting up early. Being far more involved in child care. Been far more involved in pulling my weight in house work. I bought the 5 live language book and am reading it.
That all sounds great!
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I feel that there have already been some positive changes in the R.
Don't misinterpret that though. When you effectively remove all pressure then things do improve, but many LBS's make the mistake of thinking it means everything is better and they initiate a R talk only to get BD'd all over again. HER FEELINGS HAVE NOT CHANGED. They won't for quite some time. It's like turning a cruise ship around, it takes a lot of time and patience.
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I have been trying to compliment her more which is her love language. I have had mixed results. At first she wouldn’t even respond but yesterday I did get a thanks.
Like Steve said, try to find non-sexual ways to fill her love languages. If her LL is WoA then when she does mom stuff then compliment her on it, or if she talks about something she did at work then give her praise for it.
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And when will I know that she is ready to reconnect?
She'll let you know. But you'll have to let go of her first. That's the hard part.
