LH, absolutely not. If we ever do reconcile that will be one of the talking points. I want her to want me back because she loves me, no other reason. I know because of her mindset she won’t recognize it, but how much I really did around the house.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Not looking for her to be punished but she took me for granted everything I did. I would say maybe she would appreciate me more but I know with her mindset right now she will resent me more because she will feel I stuck her with all of this.
Yes exactly, right now resentment is all she can feel about you. When we talk about how she needs to learn to miss you, we're not talking about how great you were at taking the trash out. We mean you've got to be a ghost. Like NEVER, EVER around her. SCARCE. Remove yourself from the picture. Go all Patrick Swayze on her. But we're not talking about a couple of days or a week. It's going to be months before she'll start to miss you. Maybe even a year or more.
Regarding the story from your friend at work, yes that is a very familiar story to me. Have heard it many times now. Sometimes they are too "proud" to admit they were wrong and go back to their H. Sometimes it takes longer than the year it took her. Sometimes the H doesn't want them back. But yes it does often play out just like that.
How is the personal growth going? What areas are you focused on? Who do you practice with? Are you interacting with women? If so, can you tell which ones find you attractive?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
My w is at this morning. I get a text early this morning from her: Couple of things:; 1. We have to figure out what to do with diamond (that’s our Siberian husky dog). I’m tired of cleaning piss and poop every day, I’m already gettin g screwed with this house and I refuse to let it be a $*it house. It already smells because of these dogs and now I’m not doing this every day. Second: no video games for brayden or tv. He loses his shoes every day. He is down 4 pairs and has no clue where they are. That was the text I received 7:30 this morning. My response was, I am sorry you are having a tough morning. Not a good way to start off your morning. Maybe with Diamond leave her out overnight. This is what she wanted to have the house and fire me as her husband. I use to clean up after the dog (she is only doing this because she is 15). Ow she has to do it and hates it. I am a little confused on how she is getting screwed with the house. If she means she has to take care of it, what did she expect she was going to have to do when I was gone? She is the one who wanted to keep the house. I don’t think she truly understood how much I did when I was there and now she is starting to get a taste and she doesn’t like it. I k ow in her mind i am to blame because we shouldn’t be in this position. Just wait the spring is here that means leaf pickup, weeding, mowing the lawn, opening and keeping up with the pool. Which i did all by myself and never once complained to her about all the work. She will not do it which means she will have to hire someone and she is already complaining about money. You guys have mentioned she needs to feel my loss, this is one way she will feel it. Not looking for her to be punished but she took me for granted everything I did. I would say maybe she would appreciate me more but I know with her mindset right now she will resent me more because she will feel I stuck her with all of this.
Not your problem. I wouldn't have even responded.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
AS thank you for the advice, I will definitely become a ghost to her.
R2C after I sent the text I realized I shouldn’t have offered advice. I know hi knwith her comment she wants me to take the dog. I don’t want the dog. Even though I took care of the dog the entire time I don’t want to take her away from her home, she is 15. Huskies usually don’t live that long. She just doesn’t want any responsibility. It was fine all those years while I was at home because when the dog had an accident I always cleaned it up. It now she has to do it, she is ready to send her on her way. As far as my personal growth, I am going to the gym4-5 days a week, reading books on relationships, I do interact with a lot of women, at my job and when I go out. Yes they are women who are attracted to me. That definitely helps my confidence and self esteem because it was low for a while. Starting to get it back.
Steve I hear your advice I only responded to validate. She believe I ignored in through text a lot in the past. Sometimes she would text me while I am at work and couldn’t respond until a few hours later sometimes, so she would say I was ignoring her. So me responding is my 180 because she thinks I never get back to her.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Neffer, R2C and AS thank you for your words of wisdom. I know I am suppose to detach and GAL. Which I have been doing. I completely understand I can’t “nice” her back. The one issue and you can help me better understand is putting my self in front of her. I really haven’t been doing that. Maybe I am missing it. That was one of her complaints of the past, she feels we did not spend enough time together, I am trying to find a happy medium with being around a little bit not completely ignore her and/ or always being around. I really do appreciate everyone’s advice and trying real hard to do what you all are saying. AS you are probably right with me trying to convince myself I am not doing those things. The one thing I never had was patience, man am I learning the hard way how to have it. I have definitely learned not to take things so personally when she speaks, that has helped me. I understand recon is not on her radar right now, hopefully with everyone’s guidance one say I can get her there. This is why I come on here all the time, so you all can keep me on track. Thank you everybody for your help. I really do appreciate it!!
We really can't ever win with WAS can we? My w was the opposite as in we spent too much time together . I always hear that you are sposed to spend more time with each other , go on date nights etc right? We had that in our marriage. Went on date nights every week , went hiking etc. I think the problem was we were always with eachother. We didn't have our own lives, or any space away from eachother. Maybe women just can't be happy lol ?
We really can't ever win with WAS can we? My w was the opposite as in we spent too much time together . I always hear that you are sposed to spend more time with each other , go on date nights etc right? We had that in our marriage. Went on date nights every week , went hiking etc. I think the problem was we were always with eachother. We didn't have our own lives, or any space away from eachother. Maybe women just can't be happy lol ?
Well to be fair it's some men too, but yes I am really convinced that some women (and men) are just walking WAS timebombs waiting to go off NO MATTER WHAT. Their spousal ability has an expiration date, and when that date hits there's no warning and the R suddenly spoils like milk that's been sitting on the counter too long. My XW and I had a marriage that made everyone around us jealous. We loved each other, spent plenty of time together but also enough time apart to maintain a healthy balance. We had an excellent sex life throughout our M, and we were loving and doting parents. We were financially stable, even our house and cars were paid off. We both had excellent careers. Yet BD still happened. Who knows why, I surely don't and I never will unless God imbues me with some kind of insight when I'm at the pearly gates, LOL! And you probably won't know, and neither will any other LBS here. It's frustrating, but coming to accept that and let go of the need to know is a big part of dropping the rope.
We really can't ever win with WAS can we? My w was the opposite as in we spent too much time together . I always hear that you are sposed to spend more time with each other , go on date nights etc right? We had that in our marriage. Went on date nights every week , went hiking etc. I think the problem was we were always with eachother. We didn't have our own lives, or any space away from eachother. Maybe women just can't be happy lol ?
Well to be fair it's some men too, but yes I am really convinced that some women (and men) are just walking WAS timebombs waiting to go off NO MATTER WHAT. Their spousal ability has an expiration date, and when that date hits there's no warning and the R suddenly spoils like milk that's been sitting on the counter too long. My XW and I had a marriage that made everyone around us jealous. We loved each other, spent plenty of time together but also enough time apart to maintain a healthy balance. We had an excellent sex life throughout our M, and we were loving and doting parents. We were financially stable, even our house and cars were paid off. We both had excellent careers. Yet BD still happened. Who knows why, I surely don't and I never will unless God imbues me with some kind of insight when I'm at the pearly gates, LOL! And you probably won't know, and neither will any other LBS here. It's frustrating, but coming to accept that and let go of the need to know is a big part of dropping the rope.
wow As that does sound crazy that you had all that. We also were financially stable well not at first but over the past few years got out of debt and became stable. Never argued about money . Also had a amazing sex life. I have had so many people tell me wow we were jealous of your guys relationship how in the world can this be happening etc etc. We were the ones trying to have kids and were about to throw down $20k to pay for ivf. we had the funds to pay for it . Then bam ILYBINILWY........ the marriage was always about you lol. typical fog stuff ... You are right about most Lbs not ever knowing.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
AS thank you for the advice, I will definitely become a ghost to her.
R2C after I sent the text I realized I shouldn’t have offered advice. I know hi knwith her comment she wants me to take the dog. I don’t want the dog. Even though I took care of the dog the entire time I don’t want to take her away from her home, she is 15. Huskies usually don’t live that long. She just doesn’t want any responsibility. It was fine all those years while I was at home because when the dog had an accident I always cleaned it up. It now she has to do it, she is ready to send her on her way. As far as my personal growth, I am going to the gym4-5 days a week, reading books on relationships, I do interact with a lot of women, at my job and when I go out. Yes they are women who are attracted to me. That definitely helps my confidence and self esteem because it was low for a while. Starting to get it back.
Steve I hear your advice I only responded to validate. She believe I ignored in through text a lot in the past. Sometimes she would text me while I am at work and couldn’t respond until a few hours later sometimes, so she would say I was ignoring her. So me responding is my 180 because she thinks I never get back to her.
Wolfman that is really old for a husky . I too have our dog and she is also 15. Before any of this started that dog meant the world to my w. She is the one who adopted her . She couldnt be gone for more then a few hours without missing the dog horribly. Since this started she wants nothing to do with her, doesnt ask about her could litereally care less. I even got " we have to say goodbye to her soon shes old " I know i know the folks here probably think its just a dog get over it. But since we didnt have any children yet she was like our child. I honestly think if we had a kid she'd be disowning it as well. How she can just forget about her and not want her is just beyond me. The conclusion icame up with is responsibility as well.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/16/1905:24 PM. Reason: combine posts
