Midlife wife crisis4

[IHCLACS]

Yes WM its a way of them easing the blow. Most women are usually but not always, more considerate of other people feelings, unless they are in full rebellion. Its a tagline. It literally a rehearsed script of delivery. I believe Candice Cameron coined the phrase ILYBINILWY from one of her movies. Its also a way of them saying. "I'm going to put you at arms length because I'm not sure if I have romantic feelings for you anymore" either because of an OM, or for whatever past tryansgressions that justify their behavior for wanting to leave the M

[Wolfman]

Last night I was with the kids and she got home at 11:45. As soon as she got home I got up and left. As I was walking out she said good night and I said good night. But I said it kinda low. I guess she didn’t hear me because 10 minutes later she text me, “I said good night.” I didn’t answer the text right away then she called me. She goes I said good night and you didn’t say anything and you slammed the door in my face. I replied, “I said good night and didn’t know you were right behind me.” I said, “sorry if you felt like I closed the door in your face.” The 15 minutes later she text me that she got somethings for the kids for Easter. I replied thank you.
This morning w called me about going to book my son’s birthday party. She told me what time she wanted to meet up. That was about 8:30am. Then at 10am she text me if I wanted to meet up at 10:45 and do breakfast after and it was on her. So I didn’t respond right away, I was thinking about what you guys have said about not accepting every offer she throws out there. So I text her back after 6 minutes meet at the house or the place? Her response, “Do you purposely never answer me for a while? I always see you with your phone in you hand but when I text it takes forever weird.” I responded back 2 minutes later, “whichever is easier for you.” Then after 1 minute I text her again, “let’s just meet at the place.” In about a minute she calls me again. She asked me what my problem is? I said what problem? She goes you don’t answer my texts right away. Your hot and cold, sometimes your real nice to me other times you don’t really acknowledge me. I said I’m sorry if you feel I am hot and cold and I don’t have my phone on me all he time to text you back right away. The she said I text you about breakfast you don’t even acknowledge that I invited you out. I said I can see how that could have made you mad but I just woke up and was going to respond but you didn’t give me a chance. She said she doesn’t trust me and doesn’t know what I am up to. I asked don’t trust me about what? She said I don’t need know I just don’t trust you and feel you are up to something. That really confused me, she doesn’t trust me because I did t respond right away to her text? She says I can’t take this hot and cold. I said I get how hat can bother you, I told her I would go to breakfast and thank you for the invite. Then there was some small talk about the kids and we got off the phone.
Later at breakfast she started to talk about our d. She said if I was going to have my lawyer look over the paperwork. I said yeah. She said she wasn’t going to have her lawyer look it over because she said her lawyer is cut throat and is going to change everything. She said why should we have lawyers look it over when we decided everything ourselves. I said just to make sure the wording is correct that’s all. Then she said because if our lawyers look at it they will make a bunch of changes and it will cost us a lot more. I’m sorry I took one step back, I said we don’t have to. She said what do you mean? I said we can stop it. And she said and then do what? I said work on things. It was weird usually she would respond or give me a look like she was mad that I would say that. But she just had a blank stare at me. I switched gears right away and said your not there and I laughed and started to talk to my son. Then after about 5 minutes she asked me if I have been looking at homes? I said what for, the House market has such a fast turnover, what am I supposed to do if I find a house I like? I don’t have the money. Why get my hopes up about a house if I can’t act on it. She said she spoke to Wells Fargo and she can’t buy me out until we are officially divorced. I said are you sure? She said she spoke to them. I told her I was going to ask my mortgage broker about that. Then the rest of the breakfast was general talk.
Couple of questions. Is she temp checking me with the invite to breakfast? Is the detachment working because she gets upset when I don’t respond right away to her text? If she wants this divorce so bad why is she not moving forward with setting up the appointment with the mediator lawyer? I am so confused and that’s probably what she wants. Help vets I need the 2x4s.

[LH19]

W,

Since you asked.

First off you are not detached. You may be the least detached LBS on the board. What does detachment mean to you?

You talk about not accepting every invite and then you accept her invite to breakfast and she throws the D in your face.

Let me make this clear. Not responding to her texts for 6 minutes will not stop you from getting a D.

You gotta get your balls back from her because every time you don't cater to her demand she squeezes them and you backslide.

You need to make it clear to her that you don't answer to her and you will only discuss things about the kids and finances and you will respond to those topics only.

[Wolfman]

LH thanks for the 2x4. I stink at this detachment. You are right, I feel like I am doing the right thing and then she gets mad and I backslide. I definitely need to get better at it.
Another question for everyone. You all say do not put pressure on w. If she is going out and says she will be home let’s say 5pm and is not home do I say anything? I know her response will be what’s the big deal you got more time with the kids. I know we have to set boundaries, is this one?

[IHCLACS]

Let them come and go as they please, you don't ask questions. As long as it doesn't interfere with the boundaries of the parenting schedule.

[Ready2Change]

Last night I was with the kids and she got home at 11:45. As soon as she got home I got up and left. As I was walking out she said good night and I said good night. But I said it kinda low. I guess she didn’t hear me because 10 minutes later she text me, “I said good night.” I didn’t answer the text right away then she called me.

Did you let it go to voice mail? (HINT)

She goes I said good night and you didn’t say anything and you slammed the door in my face. I replied, “I said good night and didn’t know you were right behind me.” I said, “sorry if you felt like I closed the door in your face.”

H"I am sorry." (less words the better)

The 15 minutes later she text me that she got something for the kids for Easter. I replied thank you.

What are you thanking her for? Did you get Easter gifts for the kids? (HINT)

This morning w called me about going to book my son’s birthday party. She told me what time she wanted to meet up. That was about 8:30am. Then at 10am she text me if I wanted to meet up at 10:45 and do breakfast after and it was on her. So I didn’t respond right away, I was thinking about what you guys have said about not accepting every offer she throws out there. So I text her back after 6 minutes meet at the house or the place?

What is your ratio of accepts vs declines? Also are you projecting that you are a busy guy? That your time is valuable? That you like to scehdule things farther out in advance?

Letting it go to voice mail helps...

In about a minute she calls me again. She asked me what my problem is? I said what problem?

H"Is there something urgent we need to discuss regarding the kids?"

She goes you don’t answer my texts right away. Your hot and cold, sometimes your real nice to me other times you don’t really acknowledge me. I said I’m sorry YOU FEEL THAT WAY if you feel I am hot and cold and I don’t have my phone on me all he time to text you back right away.

The she said I text you about breakfast you don’t even acknowledge that I invited you out. I said I can see how that could have made you mad but I just woke up and was going to respond but you didn’t give me a chance. She said she doesn’t trust me and doesn’t know what I am up to. I asked don’t trust me about what? She said I don’t need know I just don’t trust you and feel you are up to something. That really confused me, she doesn’t trust me because I did t respond right away to her text? She says I can’t take this hot and cold. I said I get how hat can bother you,

[IHCLACS]

Wolfman getting back to why they are paranoid it's for legality reasons okay they've been talking with people regarding their divorces and they're probably getting paranoid over the fact that the legal mess could get ugly in a court of law that's why they're paranoid. Depending on how vindictive you or your spouse wants to be if it gets ugly between the custodial battle for the children it can get very vindictive I've seen it happen with my own family. What once were to amicable people can turn into a real financial and legal mess. protect yourself and your children in your custody rights to your children, finances and home and assets. But do not fire until fired upon.

[LH19]

That tells me two things. She doesn't respect you and she doesn't think you have anything better to do. Why do you think that is?

[Wolfman]

R2C thank you for the corrections. IH thank you for clarification. LH I had plans to leave at 7pm. She just said she was going to be home at 5 and she wasn’t. When she got home at 6:15 I left and went out. You are right I am having a hard time detaching. I will start detaching and she will get annoyed and I will backslide. I have to get rid of this fear when I do I know I will do a better job at detaching. Steve had said this a long time ago, it feels like what I am doing is counterintuitive. It doesn’t feel right but I know it’s what I need to do to have any chance.

[LH19]

W,

Please describe detachment to me.