Whirlwind of Hurt 7

[Ready2Change]

shaking in anger.... I just want to tell her to go take a flying leap.

"I understand you feel that way"
"I am sorry you feel that way"
"It must be hard to feel that way"
"I can't change the past"

I have been there. I channel that anger into positive actions.

Email is my communication channel with My X. That was my boundary.

One example:

Hi Xwife,

You brought up some good parenting points during our discussion of the exchange times.

You state that you tried to have a decent conversation with me. If a decent parenting conversation is your true intention, I am all willing to participate. Anytime you want a face to face conversation with me, set up a time with our family therapist and I will gladly meet to discuss parenting issues with you. I look forward to the day you step up and start co-parenting. Until then, please comply with the divorce agreement and keep our parenting conversations in Email.

I did speak with the kids and you are very mistaken about their desire to spend alone time with each of us during the other parents parenting time. They all have a deep desire for this. Ask them and listen to them if you need clarification. If you want a professionals opinion about the importance of this, speak with the kids therapist.

Your continually vague accusations of lying intrigue me. Want to share specifics? I am all ears.

I hope you enjoy the kids during the spring break vacation.

Best regards,

R2C

[Again18]

It's classic projection she's projecting herself onto you. She's being selfish but she blames you in order to take the heat off of her. You did the right thing. Let her vent, no amount of you telling her she's selfish will convince her otherwise. Leave her be and continue to work on yourself. When she gets all upset just tell her you're not going to let her bring you down and politely get off the phone. You don't have to to be her door mat. Always project happiness when around her. As she goes down this trail of unhappiness she will need a lighthouse full of happiness to return to. You have expressed that you may not want a relationship with your ex-wife in the future at least not a romantic one. Pray to God that he works on your relationship as friends for the kids sake. You ultimately want her to be happy for her and the kids sake, maybe not yours. You two are still at the beginning of all of this, so pray that God works on you, works on her for joy and wisdom and friendship. Have you ever read the book The Love Dare? Just curious it might help if you in fact do want to try and reconcile and rekindle some love in your relationship.

[Twofeet]

Hello Again18,

Good to hear from you. I have come to understand that this for the most part is projection. I also understand that I am not her husband anymore. I cannot be there to catch her if she falls. I cannot fix her problems anymore. I cannot help her anymore. As far as a relationship goes, I have told myself and I still believe that if she wants to reconcile with me down the road I will always be open to it. We have a strong shared history, 3 children, and I will always hold a place in my heart for her. However, I cannot reconcile with her in her present capacity. She needs to grow and improve herself. Unfortunately, it appears she is not doing this at all, and she may in fact be falling deeper into whatever hole she has dug. On the flip side I too need to continue on my own journey. I am working on my personal growth and development as well as who I am as a father. Whether it is my XW or a future woman they deserve a better version of myself. Just so you know I pray for myself, my kids, my XW, and everyone on here as well as anyone going through this experience. I am open to God and what he will open on my path.

Thank you again for taking the time to post on my thread.

Edit: Thank you for the book suggestion. I will be sure to get it and read it.

[Again18]

You've now been D for a few months now last month you said your XW hasn't grown or improved herself. Has she been doing any temp checks? How are the kids doing? Have they settled into the routine or are they still pretty scattered from the divorce? Finally, TF I see you are pretty helpful around the forums but how are you doing at this point?

[Twofeet]

Hello Again18 and thank you for checking in on me.

My XW has been temp checking me. I have always had strong boundaries in my life with everyone, but my XW. It is something that I am and will be continually working at. IC and books have been helping me with this issue. Granted XW doesn't flagrantly violate my boundaries, rather she just prods or slightly penetrates them through old habits or because she wants to and is temp checking. She often mentions how I am guarded with her, and I just validate her feeling and move on. Of course I am guarded, she is not my W anymore.

I can tell when she is at home and either bored or lonely. She sends me text messages about the kids or pictures of the kids. She knows I will not respond to anything, but the kids, scheduling, or finances. Scheduling or finances, or illness are the only things I initiate conversations with her about and that is via text or email. The only time I call her is usually because the kids want or have a need to talk to her on the phone. While she uses the kids as a topic to engage in convos with me, I keep it brief and non-personal. There are times when I can tell she is out and about because if the kids need something from her they will call on either my phone or D8's watch phone and XW will not respond or will call or text me at late hours such as midnight, to which I don't respond.

I think she was a wreck with her finances, but it sounds like her parents bailed her out again. She had been 3.5 month late paying her portion of school tuition and they finally slapped us with late fees. I told her she needs to get things figured out and take care of the late fee. She also owed me for her portion of the kids insurance, dance school, etc. etc. I thought about burning a bridge and going to her parents, but I decided against it. They are not my parents anymore and we have a really good relationship. You don't go to your friends and tell them how to raise or take care of their kids, unless they ask for your advice. I just let that one work itself out and it sounds like she went to them. They gave her one of their cars, I think they bought her car from her and they gave her money. I know this because X-MIL watches the kids for me on the days I have them and they don't have school, ie spring break. She alluded something like this to me.

Last week XW had a health scare. She had been sick, then she had a migraine for 2 days. She called me while I was having dinner with my sister. I don't normally answer the phone unless she requests time to talk via text, but my gut was saying answer it. She wanted to know if I was home and could possibly take the kids if she wasn't feeling better. She had a migraine and her right arm was numb and tingling. I let her know I was close by (sis lives less than 5 min from XW) and I could pick them up after dinner if she wasn't improving. Well an hour later she calls me in a panic because her entire right side of her body, head, arm and leg had gone numb and she was feeling tingling in her hand and foot. Her Dad was on his was to take her to the ED and I needed to pick up the kids. When I got there her dad was +20 min away and she looked bad. Clammy, pale, sunken eyes, she was having difficulty moving around. I wasn't sure if this was her migraine or if this was a potential stroke or heart attack. Her parents were calling me about the time I arrived at her house and I told them what I was seeing. I told her dad just to meet me at the hospital. XW protested, but I told her she didn't have a choice and I loaded her in my truck with the kids and we took her to the ED. I dropped her off and her Dad would be with her once he arrived. She later text me that night that she was going to be ok and was referred to a neurologist for her migraine issues. I didn't poke or prod her for more info, which is an old habit of mine wrt to XW. I just let her know I appreciated her getting back to me and that while I felt sorry about her migraine I was glad to hear she was going to be okay.

A couple things things stuck out to me about this whole event On the drive to the hospital she broke down in tears and was sobbing. She also made a lewd comment about a bad driver in front of us. She said why is he driving so sh!tty is he getting a blowjob or something? I snapped at her for that because she said it out loud in front of our kids. SMH, this kind of vulgarity started up after BD. The next day after school the kids were concerned about XW so that evening they called her and she wasn't answering. Kids being kids they kept calling her from D8 watch phone and she finally answered. I was very loud and hard for them to hear XW. She said she was at a coffee shop, but between the loudness and her talking like she was intoxicated I think she was at the bar. It started to alarm the kids and I think she noticed so she said she had to go.

She was at a plateau, but has been losing weight again. I think she looks great, and I wish this was something she would have done during our MR. However, knowing her, she isn't working out and its not a lifestyle thing with a proper healthy diet. She just loses weight by not eating. Anyway on our face to face exchanges I just try to be careful to mask my emotions so I don't give off that wolf whistle look. Part of it is her (and who I thought she was not who is currently is) and part is probably just my lack of physical intimacy with a woman since the end of August. A good sex life and intimacy to no sex life, going cold turkey, has left its own void.

That is a lot of talking about her. I know there is more, but that is just some of the key things. I have some work things that need to be addressed so I will post about how the kids and I are doing later.

[Twofeet]

I was very loud and hard for them to hear XW. She said she was at a coffee shop, but between the loudness and her talking like she was intoxicated I think she was at the bar. It started to alarm the kids and I think she noticed so she said she had to go.

Change I was very loud to It was very loud where XW was at and hard for the kids to hear XW.


Anyway the kids are adjusting and for the most part doing well. Their teachers have told me that they are doing well and that the D doesn't appear to be affecting their education or social interactions at school. I have them in counseling and I take them about 2 times a month. D8 seems to be handling things well although she is very busy with school and activities so if homework gets left at moms house XW usually throws it away. Also if D8 leaves things she needs for her activities, school, or for life in general XW will not bring it to D8 at school, my house, or a halfway point. This has been tough on D8, but D8 and I have been tying colored ribbon on her backpack as a reminder of certain things she needs to bring between houses and school.

D5 has been getting more affectionate with me and while she has always been mommy's girl she has been stating her disinterest to go to mom's house and wanting to stay with me an extra day. Could just be a phase since all kids go back and forth between which parent is their favorite. However, all 3 kids have been doing that, but this is probably just from me being more active with them and staying busy with them. I try to keep them busy so that tablet and TV time is minimal. I still have to keep D5 in a pullup at night as she still has trouble. Hopefully she will go back to not needing this. The one thing we have been working in IC with D5 is how she can be so physical when she doesn't get what she wants. Basically when she can't communicate her needs to her brother and sister she punches them.

S3 has been handling things the best he can from his 3 year old mind. He doesn't understand "why mommy wont come live with daddy, so we can be a whole family." I just tell him that I understand how he feels and he should ask his mommy why. I have been working really hard with him along with his daycare/preschool teacher at getting him re-potty trained. As of about 2.5 weeks ago something clicked and he is potty trained again (during the day).

A little boy is naturally drawn to other boys to play games that boys just seem to instinctively want to do. He gets bored and/or too aggressive with his sisters which in turn can cause D5 to get punchy, heck even D8 has had to smack him a few times. I try to spend time with him playing, wrestling, and doing things boys his age like to do. Last month I reconnected with a childhood friend and her H who have a boy S3 age and a boy who is D8 age. I look forward to getting him around more boys instead of hanging out with my daughters all the time.

The kids are working through it all and I hope that as I lead by example they will turn out alright. XW tends to spoil them or just throw electronics up in front of them so she doesn't have to deal with them. This is something I have to be aware of and manage, however this hasn't really changed since we were in a MR. I am leading the family even more now that we are D, and XW has taken a back seat and follows my lead.

[Again18]

Right now she's probably swimming around aimlessly, not sure of what she should do. Probably too prideful to admit that getting a divorce was the biggest mistake of her life, which is unfortunate. All you can do is put on a happy face around her, don't be cold to her that just makes you look unhappy. You need to be joyful, and if she comments that you seem happy, just tell her that you are starting to feel good again and your joyful for what you have had and what you have now with the kids. I'm not saying you should work on reconciliation that's obviously a personal thing, you may find that you don't even want that anymore. But you do want her to get her head out of her ass and start living a good proper life and person you can trust with your kids, and be a reasonable friend with to help your kids through tough times in the future. I'll pray for that TF.

[Twofeet]

Again18,

I would like to think you have a crystal ball and that what you are saying about her is true. However, I just don't know. It just seems like she has become very selfish, and somewhat unrecognizable. As I said there are other things she has done that I did not post about. They just make you go WTF who is this person? It reminds me of AS stories about how his XW was so unrecognizable, and however many years later her old self is finally showing back up. Anyway, as I have said before I will always be open to reconciliation with her, but I don't think its likely. She is not putting in the work, she has never put in the work, and I don't know if she ever will. She probably would have to hit rock bottom and I don't know if that will ever happen. If she does make the changes and she wants to recon then I would consider it at that time.

I also realize I mentioned XW and kids in the previous two posts, but I have not posted updates about myself.

I have been staying VERY busy.
Ski season is over, so I am doing hot yoga 3x a week and still lifting 3x a week. I need to add 3 more pounds to get up to my goal weight. Probably going to hit it in the next 1.5 to 2 months. After that I may consider going up to 195 lbs. I think I may start running for 30 min once a week for cardio as the weather has been really nice. I was plateauing there for a bit, but I slightly increased my food intake and have been working on my sleep.

Sleep habits are one of the things I have been falling behind on and need to keep working on. I was meditating daily using the headspace app, but that too is something that I have let fallen by the wayside. I need to be more disciplined about sleep and meditation. Other than those 2 items no real backsliding. I have been seeing IC still and it has been helping my emotional state, although I think I am seeing the sunset to IC. I am still grieving the loss of my MR. However, the time heals all wounds is proving to have truth to it. Emotionally I am getting better and better and healing from the bomb that my XW set off on BD. I am pretty detached, but never as detached as I think I am. This also reminds me of AS stories about him thinking how detached he was only to have something happen and realize he wasn't so detached. The health scare of my XW triggered that moment for me. After taking her to the hospital I have been really down, and just came out of it two days ago. Lots of dreams, memories, emotions, and tears in the shower or on the way to work. I haven't had that in a while, but the event was like ripping off a scab on a healing wound. Heck even LH says he is mostly detached, but still has his moments.

I am still going to church, kids are now looking forward to church when they are with me on those Sundays. They get to see X-MIL and sometimes X-SIL her husband and their kids. I am thankful that I have a decent relationship with the x-in laws. D8 has really been wanting to get involved, and I need to get her into catechism. At her age I think she should be receiving her first communion.

I have been reconnecting with old friends, some of them mine and some former friends of XW. I am building a solid group of guys that I hang out with and do guy stuff with. I still connect with some of my friends from the state we moved from. Going to go to a visit next month to see a few of my buddies. I am also hoping to go to Cali to visit a friend and his wife in late May or early June. A childhood friend of mine has brought me into her and her H group of friends as well. She has introduced me to a lot of her female friends, so it has been good to have a opportunity to work on the social dynamics with the opposite sex.

On the days when I don't have the kids and I actually don't have something going on I try to find something to do where I go out and socialize with strangers. They are usually places where socializing isn't a requirement, but if I want to talk to people I have to make an effort. It challenges me and makes me uncomfortable, which is why I do it. While I am introverted, I don't want to be stuck as an introvert shut in type of person.

Work is going really well this year. My side gig with consulting has only 3 clients. My goal is 5 for the year, and while I am not sure its going to happen I will stride for it. One client wanted me to take over her whole operation, but I am too new to my sitch to feel comfortable taking on that much of a role while figuring out my new work/life balance. I told her maybe next year. I am also going to spend this year researching all the info on another business I would like to get started in the next 1-3 years. This would be pretty risky so I really need to dot my i's and cross my t's.

I think for anyone who has read this far I just want to say D sux, and post-D sux in the beginning. Its going to take work, and it won't be easy, but if you put in the work it gets better. Like anything the more effort you put in it the better the results and the sooner those results occur. I am also not dating any women right now even though there has been interest from the fairer sex. After BD and self reflection there were issues I needed to correct. I don't think they were so terrible to cause the fallout of my MR. I still think that BD and D has more to do with XW than myself even though I do recognize what I could have done better. What I am saying is that I want the issues I am correcting and changes about myself that I am making to permanently stick. I am building a better me. To do that I think I need to focus on myself and my kids and not date. I saw a guy on youtube say chase excellence not women. I think that is a good idea for many guys on here.

[neffer]

There is no rush TF. Take all the time you want. You can´t be waiting for XW to do her inner journey.

Stay strong there, enjoy the kids and keep moving forward, keep DB.

Time to move on man.

(((TF)))

[LH19]

TF,

You are a DB champ you are doing everything the way it should be done. Keep pushing yourself to get out of your comfort zone it will pay off big time.

Like my best friend told me if you didn’t have bad days then the last 24 years were a waste of time.

Onward and upwards! The ladies will be waiting for you on the other side.