Steve I hear your advice I only responded to validate. She believe I ignored in through text a lot in the past. Sometimes she would text me while I am at work and couldn’t respond until a few hours later sometimes, so she would say I was ignoring her. So me responding is my 180 because she thinks I never get back to her.
You read it. That's not ignoring. Where was the question that you needed to answer? She vented. You read it. I am not going to tell you that validating isn't something that you should do, but the tone of that text was accusatory and blaming. I found it disrespectful. I would have ignored it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have noticed a lot lately that newbies are very confused on where validation is appropriate. When done at the wrong time it can make you look weak and like a doormat.
LH and Steve it’s funny I didn’t want to respond to the text, I thought I should validate and like I said previously I answered because that was one of her complaints in the past. I hear you both loud and clear on her tone of the text and should not have responded. I had a ridiculous situation come up yesterday. My w gets home and after a few minutes says that she received something weird today through email. I said ok what is it. So she hands me the phone and it is an email to her. The email is from a woman in Russia and says she received my letter and it was nice to hear from me and she likes that I have a full time job and looks forward to talking with me again. To letter was addressed to my name. So, after I read it I said ok. I’m not kidding what she asked me next. She asked if I was trying to get one of those mail order brides from Russia. I actually said are you kidding me. I’m sorry guys but something so ridiculous as this it was hard for me to do any validation. She said I find it funny that they knew your name and that you had a full time job. I said does it mention what kind of job I have? She said no. I said it is a scam email where they are trying to get you to respond. She said it says you sent a letter. I said really? To A woman in Russia. You have to give me more respect than that. And I said why would I have them email me at your email address. She says I don’t know I just find it odd they knew your name and that you had a job. I told her how many scam emails has she received and I from “Apple” saying our purchase is complete. Or to contact them about a refund we put in? I said on those emails they look like they came from Apple and they have our name. It’s no different. She said it is different because this game from a woman. I am sorry guys but I was getting a little frustrated again validation went out the window. I actually started to chuckle and said if you want to believe that I am looking for a mail order bride then I guess you don’t know me at all. She said why are you laughing, this is not funny. She said if I received an email like that I would have been pissed. I told her I wouldn’t have because it doesn’t make any sense why you would contact a guy and then give my email address. I know there are a lot of things I could have done better but something that ridiculous angered me. Not to toot my own horn here. But I am a tall in shape good looking guy who has never had a problem with women. My own w is drop dead gorgeous and for her to think that’s how I am going to find a woman by mailing away to a woman in Russia, she is out of her mind. With this she really disappointed me.
Last edited by Wolfman; 04/12/1903:13 PM.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Wolf this reminds me of a situation that happened in my W's 2005 EA:
OM in her 2005 EA, when I discovered it by putting spyware on our home computer, was pushing hard to move to a PA. He also was pressuring her hard to send him nude pictures. As part of my snooping or "intel" if you prefer, was to do a google photos search on her name. When I did that, nude photos were one of the hits I got. But even though the pictures were neck down, they clearly were not my W.
A few days before I revealed my discovery, he sent her an email that said "Thanks." Her response was "for what?" He claimed she had sent him nude photos. She insisted (remember she didn't know I was seeing their correspondence) that she had NOT sent nude photos to him. He said "Well they came from your email." When I revealed my discovery, in the days that followed, she asked me if I had sent him nude photos (of someone else) from her email. And when I said "No", she seemed unconvinced. I told her about the google search and results, and wondered if that was somehow related.
The mystery was never solved. The only email I sent him was an email (that I shouldn't have) after she had sent him the cease and desist email, but then a few weeks later broke it and emailed him. I, in a moment of weakness sent him a long email that essentially made me look sad, weak, and needy. (Anyone reading, DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE!)
Bottom line: sometimes these things are coincidental.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So she hands me the phone and it is an email to her. The email is from a woman in Russia and says she received my letter and it was nice to hear from me and she likes that I have a full time job and looks forward to talking with me again. To letter was addressed to my name. So, after I read it I said ok. I’m not kidding what she asked me next. She asked if I was trying to get one of those mail order brides from Russia. I actually said are you kidding me. I’m sorry guys but something so ridiculous as this it was hard for me to do any validation.
Oh man that is comical! Well like LH said, there are some times when validation is completely inappropriate and this was one of those times.
Quote
I actually started to chuckle and said if you want to believe that I am looking for a mail order bride then I guess you don’t know me at all. She said why are you laughing, this is not funny.
I would have laughed too, how absurd! Anyway I think you handled this just fine, it is beyond silly that she would think for one second that this had any merit. But that's a WAS for you, their own activities make them hyper paranoid that their LBS is doing crazy things too.
Thanks for the advice. AS can you help me answer a question, or anyone else. You said the WAS becomes hyper paranoid that their LBS is doing crazy things. Why are they paranoid? If they are the ones walking away and they say things like ILYBNILWY. What do they care what we are doing? Or are they worried about plan “B” being gone? IH I looked it up, help me out with it.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Yes they want to make sure you are still plan b. They don't want you but in case everything blows up in their face they want their safety net to run back to. They can sense your plan b based on your actions. When they sense they may be losing you as plan b they test you. Most LBS are like puppy dogs waiting at the table just waiting for the WW to throw a scrap and they jump at it and gobble it up. You shouldn't have been so adamant that the email was a scam.
