Midlife wife crisis4

[Wolfman]

LH detachment means giving them the time and space. Not allowing them control over my emotions or behavior. Not feeling like I have to be with her every second and contact her all the time.
Look I know I am struggling with this. It’s difficult when you love someone so much and detachment seems like it’s the opposite of what I should be doing. I know it’s what I have to do to have a chance if there is any. Look I am a softy I love my w, my kids and the family we had. I am stuck in the past. I know that only hinders me and my detachment. I KNOW SHE IS NOT THERE, but if she would have given this another shot we can have a wonderful marriage. Without all this heartache, emotional stress and financial hardship. But she is not there and don’t know if she will ever be there. I know she is enjoying her freedom. I am sorry guys I am very down today. I see that she is moving on and I struggle.
Detachment will help with that I know. I am trying but it’s killing me. I want so desperately to save this m. I try real hard not to show her that. That I am acting “as if” everything is fine. There are a lot of you on here that that amaze me. LH, IC, R2C, Steve and you guys at least make it seem like you did this no problem. I can only hope I can be as successful as you guys and be able to move on if it’s with w or not.

[LH19]

W,

First off we all made mistakes in the process. Second we all loved our spouses, kids and family that's why we came to the board. You are no different then the rest of us. We are here to help you not make the same mistakes we made. The problem is you don't listen very well and you won't put in the work. You struggle with basic DB concepts. You think not pursuing your W is detachment. Detachment is not a tactic, it is a state of mind. It takes many months if not years to obtain.

I really want you to understand that even if you D that is not necessarily the end of the story.

[Wolfman]

LH I will listen everyone on here hit me with the 2x4’s. I will put the work in no matter what you guys say. Even if I feel it won’t work I will listen. I can’t get any worse

[Wolfman]

I don’t know if I should be annoyed but I am. I saw on FB she changes her name back to her maiden name. We are not d, not even close. I guess I have to detach more because that shouldn’t bother me. I would love to say something to her but I won’t. She has become an evil person just looking for little ways to hurt me.

[IHCLACS]

I'd say changing her FB status say its because of three things. One. Emotional impulse. Two. She is legitimately convinced in her own mind, and heart that the marriage is done although not legally yet. Three its for reactionary purposes hoping you will see it. Yes try and detach from it, because at this point, things have been pushed so far by her, it shouldn't matter what she thinks if you at this point. Only what you think of you.

[LH19]

DB basics. Stay off social media. Would saying something to her convey a message that you are ready to let her go or that you are holding on so tightly that she can't breathe?

[Wolfman]

IH knowing my w she is looking for a response. I will not give it to her.
LH if I respwanna nd it would be a message that I am holding on too tightly. At this stage of the game what do you guys feel about me dating? Too soon? I feel the m is done. She is a person who”prides” herself and that she is always right. She has dropped so many friends because of that, the minute she doesn’t like what they say or do she cuts them out of her life and never looks back. Even if she thought getting a d was a mistake she wouldn’t go back because that would mean she is wrong. She is at the point of no return. For all I know she could be seeing someone else at this point.

[IHCLACS]

Just 7 months of this hell, dividing bills, belongs, food, children, etc. I'm starting to realize that our spouses see us as the problem, and vice versa. Never really introspectively looking at how we both are doing the same things as far as selfishness.

Whether they realize in years from now, or perhaps never, that we weren't the problem, that we are all a work in progress, that we are all flawed human beings, that we all seek acceptance, not only from ourselves, but from those close to us.

This is exactly why all the focus and change must come from us. We attract what we are, and we are all hypocrites to a degree.

You can't hug pride, it will never hug you back. You can't love pride, it won't love you back. You can't hold pride, it won't hold you back. When has pride gotten us anything good in life. Its no wonder its one of the 7 deadly sins.

[Wolfman]

Help how do I answer. Why is she torturing me? Why does she text this to me? Here is exactly what she just text me:

“I’m sure it’s the weather... I woke up very sad to think of how bad our relationship has become. I never ever thought this would be us.”
The relationship is bad because she is making it that way. I know in her mind it’s me but what do I do or say? I feel like I make mistakes and I want to play by DB rules.

[AnotherStander]

So I text her back after 6 minutes meet at the house or the place? Her response, “Do you purposely never answer me for a while? I always see you with your phone in you hand but when I text it takes forever weird.” I responded back 2 minutes later, “whichever is easier for you.” Then after 1 minute I text her again, “let’s just meet at the place.” In about a minute she calls me again. She asked me what my problem is? I said what problem? She goes you don’t answer my texts right away. Your hot and cold, sometimes your real nice to me other times you don’t really acknowledge me. I said I’m sorry if you feel I am hot and cold and I don’t have my phone on me all he time to text you back right away.

Wolf, first of all why do you always answer when she calls? Try to cut back on that. As best I can tell, EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE CALLS IT'S TO BUST YOUR CHOPS ABOUT SOMETHING! So quit answering! You're like some poor beat-down dog whose owner keeps kicking it but it keeps crawling back hoping to get some affection only to get kicked again. Do you think that is attractive to her in any way shape or form?

In these recent interactions you're doing a great job of validating, so keep that up. But you have got to make yourself less available. Keep in mind, this woman is all about divorce right now. Why do you want to be so available and accommodating to someone that wants to kick you to the curb?

She said she doesn’t trust me and doesn’t know what I am up to. I asked don’t trust me about what? She said I don’t need know I just don’t trust you and feel you are up to something.

GOOD. That is EXACTLY what you want her to think. That's the whole idea of detaching and GAL'ing is to make them wonder what you are up to. As far as her not trusting you, YOU are the one that can't trust HER. And she knows it, so she's projecting that onto you. Don't try to respond/ explain/ reason about that, just look at her like a strange new eyeball has suddenly sprouted in the middle of her forehead or like she has suddenly started spouting gibberish. Like you're slightly incredulous at the garbage coming out of her mouth.

She said she wasn’t going to have her lawyer look it over because she said her lawyer is cut throat and is going to change everything. She said why should we have lawyers look it over when we decided everything ourselves. I said just to make sure the wording is correct that’s all. Then she said because if our lawyers look at it they will make a bunch of changes and it will cost us a lot more. I’m sorry I took one step back, I said we don’t have to. She said what do you mean? I said we can stop it. And she said and then do what? I said work on things.

You don't need to wave around a sign that say "I'm Still Plan B!!!!!" because she knows it. And as long as she knows you are Plan B that's where you will remain. Stop the temp checks.

It was weird usually she would respond or give me a look like she was mad that I would say that. But she just had a blank stare at me.

Because she is quite detached at this point. She feels nothing for you except contempt and anger.

Couple of questions. Is she temp checking me with the invite to breakfast?

Who knows. Here is the thing, it doesn't matter. If it's a temp check it's not a "good" one that indicates she's interested in recon, because she clearly is not. So the best case scenario is it's just a Plan B check. You need to get to the point where you accept that it doesn't matter, and beyond that get to the point where YOU DON'T CARE.

Is the detachment working because she gets upset when I don’t respond right away to her text?

Well, right now you're just pretending to detach. So no, it's not working. Eventually when you really are detached, THEN it may start working.

If she wants this divorce so bad why is she not moving forward with setting up the appointment with the mediator lawyer?

Usually it's because they no longer feel pressured. I think you're still putting a lot of pressure on her, so she may just feel like it's moving too fast.

I don’t know if I should be annoyed but I am. I saw on FB she changes her name back to her maiden name. We are not d, not even close.

Oh but in her eyes you ARE already D'd. She probably started thinking that at BD. The rest in her eyes is just legal technicalities.

I would love to say something to her but I won’t.

Good. Don't give her any energy. Not positive, not negative. I'm starting to think she's a classic "energy vampire" and people like that don't care whether it's good or bad, as long as they get a reaction. You counter an energy vampire by giving them NOTHING.