World is upside down right now

[BluWave]

Hi othstr,

I read your posts. I am impressed at how strong you are, given such a hard circumstance. I mean wow. I am also glad that you have so many friends and family supporting you - that is so important. You seem like you are handling everything really well. ... I felt triggered reading your story. I found myself having feelings of anger towards your H. He left his pregnant W for a younger woman at work? That is just so gross. This guy is no prize. I do not mean to sound harsh, but he is pretty awful. Not that it helps, but I also think my H was a complete selfish jerk too.

I have to say I agree with AS and had the same thoughts as I was reading. I think you let your H back too soon and he didn't have to do any work or make any changes. Unfortunately it sends the message they you are available and he can come back if he changes his mind. I don't think in his eyes he ever lost you. It is a weird and dysfunctional game to play, and I'll be the first to admit that. I will also say that it took me a long time to know how to play it right. One of the things I did do right in my sitch, when I finally learned how to follow the rules, was have very firm boundaries about what I would allow and not allow. My H did not get to come anywhere near me until 1. he dropped OW, proved it, and was clear he didn't want her, 2. showed continual remorse, and 3, showed me with words and actions that he was committed to doing anything to have me back. Only then did I tell him I would give him another chance. Many posters may not get to this place, but those things must be in place before a successful recon IMO.

He also didn't get to that place until he saw me moving on and was even afraid I might have been dating other people (I wasn't). And the hardest part for me was the "paving the way home," and showing him I wouldn't rip his head off if he approached me. I had to hide all my emotions and act pleasant and detached. For me, it was a big 180, because he saw me lashing out for quite awhile. So when I changed my responses to him -- and I even came across as indifferent -- he freaked and thought he was losing me. 180s are different for different people and I don't get the sense you have been as emotionally labile and acting out as I was. You really do seem much stronger and together!

You asked about meeting the OW because he is bringing the baby to their place. That is a hard one. And many might tell you that you cannot control it. My instinct is that because you are even asking, that it is important to you and that yes you should tell him that. You need to feel that the baby is comfortable and safe at all times, and you are his mom! It also sends a very clear message to these dummies that you will protect baby's best interest and that you are paying attention to what is going on with your H (and his terrible decision making). ... I gotta hand it to you also. You seem incredibly calm and patient all things considered. I was very clear with my H the moment I learned of the A, "you will never bring our children around that crazy OW." I would not budge on this and fortunately he never tried me. This is something that I perhaps couldn't control, but that I would never let down on.

Blu

[othstr]

Blu,
Thanks for your comments. I agree, he is no prize, unfortunately, I still love him. I feel like I have done a really good job on detaching, but not 100% there. I also agree that I let him come back to easily. I had read through the forums, read DB, was NC, but I wasn't fully implementing everything. I definitely should have asked for opinions on here before I allowed him back, however, I didn't and he went running back to her... After that, I have fully embraced DB and will for sure make boundaries and make it much harder if he were to try and return. I'm almost at the point where I don't want that, however, I'm not sure how I would feel if it actually happened. I do long for the family that I've always imagined. Don't they have to be complete, selfish jerks to have an A in the first place??

I don't know what to do about meeting OW. I don't think I'm there yet. I'm thinking that I might start off with seeing his place and knowing where he is going with him. Down the road, meet her. I am totally against her being around S. The only good thing I can say about this, is S is only 3 months, he doesn't know who anyone is. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even understand that H is his dad as he sees him 4 hours every other week, if that. (his choice) I have friends that see him more often than his dad.

[othstr]

Whew, talk about a GAL that totally backfired on me. I have season tickets to my local theater, last night was one of the shows. I've been looking forward to seeing this show for a while. It was good, the singing was good, then boom, the plot... If you read my sitch, husband left after finding out I was pregnant, I was not in a good place and was not happy, nor excited, about being pregnant. In the show, main character is married and unhappy, as H is abusive. She finds out she is pregnant, not happy about it, her words were exactly what I had been thinking for so long, and really keeping it to myself as you should be happy about a baby. Anyway, she finds compassion and solace in someone else, who is also married. The storyline then becomes about them and how they are so excited when they get to meet up and keeping everything a secret. There are 2 other characters who are also married and have an affair with each other. At this point, I've cried and I'm so pissed off at this show. In the end, she has the baby, falls instantly in love with her and can't imagine life without her. She sings a song about this, holy cow, I'm balling as she puts all of my feelings into words again. Ultimately, she decides that things need to end with OM as she sees how happy and in love his wife is with him. She said it's not fair to her. Oh if only OPs really felt that way...

So, I got out, but was crushed while doing so. It was just too soon for me to appreciate the show as much as the other attendees. So many triggers.

On a plus side, I decided to start running/jogging again. I was looking at 5ks to sign up for to get me motivated and get my butt in gear! I really don't like it, but I always feel good after going for a run. I've done a few hikes with S, looking forward to getting out more with him now that it is turning nicer weather.

[othstr]

Question, I will need to discuss this with IC also, just wanted to get some more input.

H works a job that he does installations that are scheduled for him. He finds out his schedule the Thursday before the week. He asked me if he ever doesn't have a day scheduled could he take S for the day instead of sending him to the sitter. I said yes, as long as he told me the previous week so that I could let the sitter know. She gets paid by the day, so she is counting on the money that he is there. She already knows the days that I won't be sending him because of my schedule. So, he just sent me a text asking if he could have S because he doesn't have anything scheduled tomorrow. I didn't respond, was giving it time, and trying to figure out what I wanted to do/say. Thankfully, he said nevermind, they were able to find a job for him. If I would have said yes, let the sitter know, then I would have had to take it back and tell her that he is coming. It's hard because he only gets paid when he has a job, and I get money when he has money... He only takes him when it is convenient for him, and he works out of town a lot, so it's only on weekends. I'm not holding S against him, but I don't want him to think that doing everything last minute, when it's convenient is ok. Which also means that if he takes him tomorrow, he won't see him over the weekend, because for him, once a week is plently...

So, my question is, do I let him take him last minute and mess up the schedule with the reliable sitter, or tell him again, this needs to be figured out the week before and whatever we decide on stays?

[othstr]

Today, mentally, has been a challenging day. I don’t know why, it just has. He popped up in my head a lot, had to keep visualizing the stop sign, it didn’t always work. He will not have seen his son for 3 weeks if he decides to come this weekend, his choice.
I had a great day yesterday just S and me. We went to our butterfly house, went out to lunch, walked a trail, went to a park with a friend. It was gorgeous weather and we needed to be out! He’s only 4 months, so doesn’t fully grasp what we are doing, but I’m happy to know that we are doing stuff to GAL together. One of my friends said that your kids don’t always remember the monetary gifts, but they do remember the gift of time and adventures we have together.
I think this is a difficult time because this time a year ago, he was home, but not emotionally, I was pleading and pressuring then, shocked beyond words. The season, smells, weather, just reminds me of a year ago, which gives triggers. It is crazy how life changes in a year.
I’m so angry/disgusted at him, I’m not really sure what I want anymore. I guess if I’m not sure, then that means part of me still wants a MR, so I shouldn’t make any moves. Why the h has he not??!! I don’t get it at all. Honestly, this would all be easier if he were to tell me he’s filing and I give him the I can’t prevent you, but I don’t want it line. It’s frustrating.

[othstr]

1st BD was a year ago yesterday. I'm glad I didn't get on my thread, because I didn't remember it was that date. I had a good day, made a good dinner and went to my boot camp class. S came with me and is just perfect while we are there, sits in the stroller and just watches us all do our thing! We didn't have anything to do today, it was nice. We/I did stop for ice cream after picking him up from the sitter. He took a nice long nap when we got home, so I got some stuff done around the house, and got a little nap in myself!

It's almost a year since H left. There has still not been one word about a D! I have not wanted to be the one to initiate it, but I think I'm ready. I know that plenty of people on here would be happy to be in my position, but it [censored]! He was doing really good at paying me every month. He's not been working as much/getting as many jobs, so he hasn't really paid me. He has only paid his share of childcare once out of 3 weeks, and majorly decreased the amount he was paying monthly, and he only paid because I asked him for money. If it is legal, he will be legally required to pay me, not just out of the "kindness of his heart." I don't plan on doing anything until after I am done with the school year, so June. That's means I have a month and a half to change my mind if I choose to.

I know I deserve better than him and what he has done to me and our marriage. As others have said on here, he is the lowest of low to leave his pregnant wife. He clearly is not a man, what kind of man would do that?? No matter what, I know that I have the prize of our MR, my amazing son!

[Tryhard]

Looking back you will realise you would go through 10 times the grief/stress/worry to have your son . You will have an amazing life soon . Stay strong and keep going , if you fall dust yourself off and get back up again. You can do it !

[othstr]

TH,
This is the truth! I would do anything for him and looking back, would have done anything to have him. I can’t imagine my life without him!

[SteveLW]

TH,
This is the truth! I would do anything for him and looking back, would have done anything to have him. I can’t imagine my life without him!

And do you think this is healthy?

[othstr]

Steve,

This is referring to my son