#12 - Continuing the piecing journey

[SteveLW]

Thanks everyone, appreciate it.

[SteveLW]

So this came up in Wolfman's thread. I mentioned that I sent my W's 2005 EAP a very weak email. For reference, this guy was IMing my W in very sexual terms. He was pressuring her to meet with him to take their EA to a PA. And was pressuring her to send nude photos.

After I discovered it, confronted her, she said she wanted to save the marriage. But then the withdrawals started. She was sad and depressed, and then after a few weeks caved and contacted him. I was still monitoring her activities on our home computer at the time, and this was the email I sent to him.

OM,

I know you don't know me and you are probably
extremely awkward hearing from me. However, I felt
compelled to contact you related to the situation that
has been occurring between my wife and yourself. I hope
you understand that this is not an indictment on you
in any sense. I think you will see the reason I am
emailing you as you read this, if you read this.

First of all, I love my wife and our daughter more than
anything else in this world. They are second in my
life only to God, and there is nothing I wouldn't do
for them, and to protect them. They mean the world to
me. However, as my wife has probably told you already, I
haven't always made my wife feel how important she is to
me. I have, through my actions, made her feel
unimportant and insignificant. I have made her feel
like I would rather not be married. Though the reality
is that I love her immensely, think the world of her,
and that she is the most important thing on the face
of the earth to me, it doesn't matter because her
perception through my bad behavior made her think
otherwise.

My wife was always the most stable thing in my life. She
is an unbelievably devoted mother, a strong Christian
woman, and strives to do the right thing in just about
every aspect of her life. She has strong morals and
strong convictions, and stands by them. She is also
the only person I have ever known that lives by the
Biblical teaching of ”do unto others as you would have
them do unto you". She was my foundation and rock.
When everything else around me was crashing down she
was the one constant, unmovable force in my life.

It was because of that the very foundation of my
existence was shaken when I discovered the chats you
and her had been conducting. I started to get
suspicious when she'd switch windows when I came into
the office. And then I saw your name in her address
book in her email and became even more suspicious. I
then began to track when you both were logged in. My
suspicions, as you know, led me to install spy
software to track what was going on. I just wanted her
back and her heart seemed so very far away from me.

I began instituting changes in my life to make her
life better, easier and happier. I was achieving the
first two, but her happiness was alluding me. I could
tell there was something else going on. I'm sure she
has probably relayed much of this to you already.

Anyway, in the 3 weeks since I read those IMs, I
thought we were healing. I knew she was sad because
she missed you. I don't understand it since she only
chatted with you for 5 weeks, but I guess it isn't for
me to understand. She feels the way she does. For the
first two weeks she was good about not contacting you,
at least that is what she tells me. However, I did add
some spy software capabilities to alleviate my fears.
I saw her send an email to her online friends from a
planning mother’s website, and she spilled her guts.
She said things like she still had feelings for you,
that she still was no longer attracted to me but had a
strong sexual attraction to you. She said she would
love to have kissed you just once, to kiss someone she
was really hot for again. She even told them that she
would rather go to a football game this Saturday with
you instead of me. We've had that planned for a couple
of weeks.

Then I saw the emails she sent to you yesterday. She
told me about them but she left out details. She
didn't tell me about the follow-up email after you
resent the picture of you and the duck (nice wood duck
by the way, hunter-to-hunter). However I saw her tell
you how she melted at you telling her that you laying
in a hammock included her (she told her friends that
part too). I saw her tell you how she wanted to share
so much with you even though she knew there was no
possibility of it ever happening. I even saw her tell
you that if you were more comfortable doing so that
she'd talk to about things with you on the phone.

She has no idea I saw all of this. I only let her in
on the fact that I saw her response to you resending
your picture. But as you can see you have taken
something very precious from me, my wife's heart. The
problem I find myself in is that I deserve everything
I am getting because I didn't make her feel loved,
honored, cherished and appreciated. She even told me
early on that if things had been good between her and
I then she would never have started chatting with you.
So you see it is my fault. I place no fault at her
feet, or your feet.

Though you took some things away from me (security in
my marriage, my wife's heart, my pride), you have
given me much much more. You have showed me that I
need to work at my marriage in order to maintain it.
That I need to treat my wife with respect, dignity and
honor. That it isn't enough to know I love her, I have
to make sure she knows, in no uncertain terms, that
she is loved deeply by me. You were right on the money
when you wrote: "A man isn't judged by his physical
features, job title, or how much he earns, but how he
treats people he cares about and the things he does
when nobody is watching."

So you see, in a weird, strange way, you have given me
hope for the future of my marriage. You have given me
the eye-opening I needed to make profound changes in
my half of the relationship. You may end up, in a very
strange way, being the best thing that ever happened
to my wife and me. At first I despised you. She told you
my threat to mail the IMs to your wife. I was angry
and hurt, and I wanted to spread that anger and hurt
to as many others as I could. I am not like that
though and I told her later that I would never do that
because your wife and your daughters do not deserve to
be dragged into the middle of this.

I told my wife last night that I was disabling the spy
software, and I did that last night. I realized that
regardless of what measures I took she'd just find a
way around them, or at least try. If I locked down all
of the PCs in the house, she'd go to the phone. If I
tapped the phones, she'd meet you in person. If I
continued to escalate measures to cut her off she'd
escalate measures to reconnect. So I gave up. I told
her she was free to do whatever she felt she
wanted/needed to do. She assured me that she is
committed to our marriage and would never cross
certain boundaries. I hope that is true, that if you
two continue to chat, exchange emails, etc, that there
are certain boundaries that would never be crossed.

So the basic thrust of this email is really to let you
know that I have disabled the spy software. I think
my wife is leery but I can't help how she feels. In many
ways spying on her was a bigger violation than some of
the things the two of you discussed. Speaking of some
of those things, for the future I do ask you to do one
thing for me (though I have no right to ask either you
or my wife for anything): Put yourself in my shoes, and
put your wife in my wife's shoes, and think about how you
would feel if I said to your wife some the things you
said to my wife, or if your wife said some of the things
my wife said to you. I think you'd be ready to "leave me
where you find me", to quote you.

It is interesting because in one of the IMs my wife
described what she knew of you and it was a
carbon-copy of me. I think we both have warrior
spirits and are ready to fight for what we want. We
also have common interests and I think if we had
gotten to know each other under different
circumstances, you and I would have hit it off. I told
my wife that right after all this happened, that I
thought you and I would have gotten along really well
in real life.

So I guess this email is really, in a way, a thank
you. Thank you for making me take notice that my wife
was unhappy, looking for something, and I was endanger
of losing her. I have lost her heart and hope to win
that back. Right now it belongs to you. She claims
that you don't want it and I pray that is true. My
wife is extremely attractive, sexy, and fun to be
with. I wouldn't blame you at all if you were to have
feelings for her like she seems to have for you. I
wouldn't blame you at all for wanting to pursue those
feelings. I'd hate it. It'd kill me. But in the end I
don't care about my happiness, I care about my wife's.
my wife's happiness is paramount to mine; I don't deserve
happiness for the way I have made her feel all of
these years.

If you have read this far, thanks. I'm sure you didn't
think you would hear from me, or want to. my wife has no
idea that I am sending you this email. If she knew
she'd probably think I was telling you to let her go
so she and I can heal. Like I said, I have no right to
ask either one of you for anything. I leave it up to
you whether or not you share this email with her. It
is your prerogative. If you do decide to tell her
about this email please convey to her, even though
I've done it countless times in the last month and
half, how much I care about her, how much I love her,
and how much she means to me.

As for you, I have no idea how your marriage stands.
Maybe these chats with my wife were just an outlet for
you and you really meant it when you said: "I never
intended on ever meeting you or acting out any of the
silly things we talked about." I hope that is true.
The IMs I saw scared me on many levels, but the two
that scared me most were the talk of the two of you
meeting for lunch, and her telling you that she was
sexually attracted to you and not to me. However, I
have made my bed, I have to sleep in it. I only hope
and pray that she will allow me to remake that bed. I
do urge you to look at yourself and ask yourself if
you can make your marriage better and stronger.
Relationships are improved only when one of the two
involved resolve to be a better spouse. I know it is
cliché and simplistic, but it is true; if you want a
better spouse then be a better spouse. I will keep you
and your wife in my daily prayers, just like I pray
for my wife and me.

Good luck in all you do.

Steve85

As you can see this is a weak move by a weak man. This is not being a man only a fool would leave. I post it hear as a cautionary tale. DO NOT BE THIS GUY. If I was the guy receiving this I would probably laugh my butt off.

Guys, be an alpha male. This is the move of a beta male. No wonder we ended up in the same situation just 12 years later.

Be better than this.

[IHCLACS]

Steve85 I read all this, and it sounds like a pleading, bleeding heart to another man who's cheating with you're W who probably looked at it in 2005 and probably laughed at it.

It made me think about the emails i sent my W early on in my sich. Starting to realize what a bleeding heart I am, how actions should speak louder than words, how less is more, doing your own thing and GAL, turning the focus on yourself, rather than your partner, and how self respect is everything. Knowing that you will be ok no matter what. That's confidence. I guess I float between being alpha/beta being either cocky, or self doubting at times, coming off as passive aggressive rather than assertive sometimes as well. . But then again, I'm sure we have all been at that moment of weakness.

[SteveLW]

Steve85 I read all this, and it sounds like a pleading, bleeding heart to another man who's cheating with you're W who probably looked at it in 2005 and probably laughed at it.

It made me think about the emails i sent my W early on in my sich. Starting to realize what a bleeding heart I am, how actions should speak louder than words, how less is more, doing your own thing and GAL, turning the focus on yourself, rather than your partner, and how self respect is everything. Knowing that you will be ok no matter what. That's confidence. I guess I float between being alpha/beta being either cocky, or self doubting at times, coming off as passive aggressive rather than assertive sometimes as well. . But then again, I'm sure we have all been at that moment of weakness.

Exactly. And I did what I said I was going to do in this email. I uninstalled the spyware, told her she was free to do whatever she wanted.

And then a weird thing happened. A peace came over me. It is hard to explain but when you really drop the rope it is freeing. I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. If LBSs could really let go I think they would be shocked at how liberated they feel!

The other thing that happened is that they didn't stay in contact. As if my knowing and my not caring anymore took the fire out of it. I have read of that happening sometimes. When the LBS acknowledges what they know, says I don't care because you are going to do what you want to do, and then truly moves on, usually the romanticism of the A dissipates. BUT you have to REALLY let go. Now just pretend to get the desired result.

[gzabetas]

Steve reading the email you sent the OM, I agree in retrospect it was a weak move.

I just wanted to add that while reading it, I sensed a classy individual on the other end making reasonable points. If I was the other man I think I would have been more taken back by this ( my Christian morals perhaps) then someone saying he would kick my face in for cheating with his wife. I think the second approach would have me laughing.
The one you sent had depth and humanity.
Lacking in our people lately. Its nice to see glimpses of humanity here and there. For me its what gives me hope.
Even if it was wrong sending it, it added food for thought.

[SteveLW]

Steve reading the email you sent the OM, I agree in retrospect it was a weak move.

I just wanted to add that while reading it, I sensed a classy individual on the other end making reasonable points. If I was the other man I think I would have been more taken back by this ( my Christian morals perhaps) then someone saying he would kick my face in for cheating with his wife. I think the second approach would have me laughing.
The one you sent had depth and humanity.
Lacking in our people lately. Its nice to see glimpses of humanity here and there. For me its what gives me hope.
Even if it was wrong sending it, it added food for thought.

Thanks g, because part of me wanted to find him and take a baseball bat to his kneecaps! LOL

[gzabetas]

haha i know that feeling. i know it all too well LOL

[MarcPa]

And then a weird thing happened. A peace came over me. It is hard to explain but when you really drop the rope it is freeing. I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. If LBSs could really let go I think they would be shocked at how liberated they feel!.

Weird, similar thing happen with me recently. After the latest BD, all of a sudden I just completely dropped the rope and instantly felt at peace. There is still the sadness for the kids, and stress of logistics and tweezing our lives apart, but somewhere deep inside my mind recognized that I was expending way too much energy on something I can't change. I've been working on myself hard since the previous BD 1.5 years ago, rebuilding my career and a positive outlook, and it worked. The story is far from over, but my decision-making is not crippled with anxiety anymore. Feels great! I know I'm going to be ok too.

[SteveLW]

Some old feelings have started to surface on my part. I got home the other day and the sink was full of dishes, and it appeared nothing had been done around the house. She's been much better about this since our sitch. But recently its been a reverting a bit. Note, she has been taking care of the pets almost exclusively because of my work schedule recently, so it isn't like she is doing nothing.

This is more all on my end. In short, there have been internal feelings of reverting on my 180s. However, I've been digging and fighting this urge. I've been telling myself that I need to deal with my feelings internally, and not pull her back into my garbage. There has been no other problems, we've been getting along well, co-parenting our daughter really well, and just still are very much aligned in our direction as a couple.

On the D15 front, things have been a lot better. She's been less defiant and disrespectful. We had a counseling session a while back and seemed to have a breakthrough. Against her wishes she actually broke down and cried. I came out realizing that I've been parenting her as a child, not as a young adult. And while at 15 she still isn't an "adult" she is finding her legs for adulthood, and I need to embrace and support that instead of trying to keep her "my little girl".

It also has helped that her best friend LOVES my wife and I. LOL My D is looking at us going "if XXXXX likes them then they can't be all bad."

Anyway, just wanted to give a quick update on me. I have been dealing with these feelings well, and remembering to take my time, control my reactions, and remember what is most important.

[Ready2Change]

Are you and W going on weekly dates?


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