Please take care of yourself. I agree w/kml, sounds like things are going well w/your boyfriend. Sometimes we have to step away from the forum to recharge and focus on ourselves, family and friends.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have to say Ginger I'm sorry to see you go - or at least step back. Having a hunch we might have the same feelings, I reached out to you off of the boards (just providing full disclosure here) and it would appear it is and we do. I'm not sure what has happened to at least this side of the board but to me it seems anything but healthy and helpful sometimes. I either feel like I'm being a nag or an enabler - and I'd much rather be a nag or even a jerk than enable what I down to my core believe is some really bad decisions.
Most people are going to do what they are going to do - as well they should. They are adults and it's their life. But then what's the point of a group like this if we are not going to at least consider what other's have to say. It's gotten to be basically a small club of about a dozen people who don't want to hurt one another's feelings so are now letting some rather bad decisions just go unchecked and unchallenged. And clearly, some are not hear to get input - rather just to journal.
I've not left but it's probably somewhat obvious that I've not been posting much at all either. I mean why bother? It's almost like I'm commenting on someone's personal diary - which I don't at all think what MWD had in mind here for these boards - a personal diary. I still value and get some enjoyment out of reading the posts. I don't agree with my real life friends all of the time either, and that's okay - but they are not trying to improve their lives and make better or at least different decisions on the second (or third or even fourth) time around.
So I guess I'm mostly saying, I get it Ginger - I get it. We are in desperate need of some new blood, more people, varied opinions and people not only willing to give their honest opinion but those actually wanting to not only hear but consider it. Hopefully you'll still pop back in from time to time. I know I will miss your often spot on opinions and suggestions. I get it and would follow your advice even if others might not. Without a doubt, you have come a long way - a very long way - and have really changed and some would say corrected previous decisions in favor of much more grounded and certainly more healthy ones. You should be extremely proud of your growth and where it has gotten you. Make no mistake, you have given some great advice and solid opinions- even if not everyone wants to hear them and take them to heart.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
You know Don, just because we hit someone over the head with 2 x 4s or offer them a contrary opinion on their choices, doesn't mean we have any right to be frustrated if they don't take our advice - after all, THEY are living their life, not us. Feedback can be helpful but that doesn't mean advice has to always be taken. That's one of the things I love about the boards, that people feel free to offer their opinions - and people feel free to take the advice or not! And I don't presume that my advice is always right - just my personal perspective.
I find it very helpful here to see how people are dealing with their dating challenges, and it helps me to re-evaluate some of my own choices. I'm guilty of rushing in to rescue CMM ("he has CANCER! He's all ALONE!") and that hasn't worked out perfectly.
Ginger - best of luck. I always loved reading your posts. Your honesty, openness and your ability to just put it all out there makes you a favorite on here. I have always appreciated your advice and you helped me a lot with feeling good about my decision with ex bf. It’s so clear when your outside of the situation but not so easy when your in it. Anyway, you know where to reach me. Hope to keep in touch.
Don - I think if we are willing to put it out there on an interactive forum we have to accept the fact that people are gonna have different perspectives and opinions. I have found it interesting to read about and hear back from others regarding post divorce dating, relationships, and other issues. I think everyone has for the most part been pretty respectful. I think it’s also comforting to hear from people that share the same struggles and then to also share in the successes. I agree though that this forum feels different to me then when I posted on newcomers. It’s a different vibe I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe in newcomers everyone is hyper focused and sharing tragedy. And here it’s no longer acute and raw so our differences make it harder?
G I will miss your posts. Don - I am guilty of journaling but I will also say that the main forum I've posted in since Day 1 is the MLC side. This forum is different. I don't feel quite like I belong in the MLC side of things as my sitch has progressed, but I also feel like this side is a bit cliquey for lack of a better word. People don't often comment or at least not in the same way as they do over there, so I'm trying this side one more time, but truthfully - yeah. I've read some posts where I scratch my head and say "what?" but again, I'm not living someone's life - who knows that the path that looks like a future train wreck to me isn't exactly what they need to get to their next level of growth. Dunno if that makes sense.
Ginger, I must tell you before you go that I've appreciated your honesty and your struggles and triumphs. It was important to me to read what you've gone through in your post D life and with post D dating. I'm teetering here on the edge of the dating pool and your posts and honesty mean a lot, just want to say that. Don't stray too far. xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Wow! Thank you so much for the kind words. I guess I came to a point of not being able to tell if I was helping or hurting people and that’s a bad spot to be in. People here are more than words on a board ( a good portion of DB’ers from back in the olden days are my real life personal friends) and some here and now I have gotten in contact with and I know are truly real people. And sometimes I read and want to jump out and I can’t because I don’t want to hurt these people. I think I am becoming to emotionally involved and maybe need to step back a bit and just focus on me. Some days it may even color my situation with my boyfriend and I can’t have that either. Things are going great between us. We really are in love and it’s a respect kind of love. We are 8 months now and still getting to know each other. For once I don’t feel a rush. I think I was always knew my other R’s were going to come to an end and I had to keep them together even if they weren’t healthy for me. And I was just worried I was not going to do any better. I don’t have this now and it’s just completely eye opening . I’ve been divorced and dating for 11 years. And I’ve made soo many mistakes, hadn’t respected myself and it took me forever and I finally am, and thanks to people here and IRL.
I only know how to be raw honest and open and it bit always the best thing, butbim glad I could help people with the honesty of my life.
And I want to mention one thing that was pretty defining last night:
My dad and stepmothers dog had to be put to sleep last night . He is the brother of my/ ex’s dog. That dog was my ex’s idea as a Father’s Day gift to my dad. I informed ex that he was being put to sleep. He called me, but I was sleeping. Last night he texted our daughter to say he was sorry to hear.
Here it comes : D11 comes into my room and tells me her dad texted her and I must have told him. She said she felt very lucky and happy to have divorced parents who get along and talk to each other. She said we even laugh together sometimes and that it feels good to watch. She said most divorced parents can’t even talk to each other and we always do and it makes her very happy for that. She said she loves how the 3 of us could spend her birthday with her and that time is very special to her ( on her actual birthday, the ex, me and her do an activity an dinner, just the 3 of us)
If you knew where I can from, this is huge. I did this is for our daughter and also my personal peace. And I can’t tell you how good it feels that it made such a wonderful difference in my daughters life. It’s all I could have hoped for.
I’m stop in from time to time but I’m going to refrain from others threads for a bit while I do some self care for a while. I do appreciate all the kind words and wish you all love all the best on this never ending crazy journey
G......best of luck and thank you for all of your comments. I take everything you post to me to heart and it has helped me more than you will ever know.
I have to say Ginger I'm sorry to see you go - or at least step back. Having a hunch we might have the same feelings, I reached out to you off of the boards (just providing full disclosure here) and it would appear it is and we do. I'm not sure what has happened to at least this side of the board but to me it seems anything but healthy and helpful sometimes. I either feel like I'm being a nag or an enabler - and I'd much rather be a nag or even a jerk than enable what I down to my core believe is some really bad decisions.
Most people are going to do what they are going to do - as well they should. They are adults and it's their life. But then what's the point of a group like this if we are not going to at least consider what other's have to say. It's gotten to be basically a small club of about a dozen people who don't want to hurt one another's feelings so are now letting some rather bad decisions just go unchecked and unchallenged. And clearly, some are not hear to get input - rather just to journal.
I've not left but it's probably somewhat obvious that I've not been posting much at all either. I mean why bother? It's almost like I'm commenting on someone's personal diary - which I don't at all think what MWD had in mind here for these boards - a personal diary. I still value and get some enjoyment out of reading the posts. I don't agree with my real life friends all of the time either, and that's okay - but they are not trying to improve their lives and make better or at least different decisions on the second (or third or even fourth) time around.
So I guess I'm mostly saying, I get it Ginger - I get it. We are in desperate need of some new blood, more people, varied opinions and people not only willing to give their honest opinion but those actually wanting to not only hear but consider it. Hopefully you'll still pop back in from time to time. I know I will miss your often spot on opinions and suggestions. I get it and would follow your advice even if others might not. Without a doubt, you have come a long way - a very long way - and have really changed and some would say corrected previous decisions in favor of much more grounded and certainly more healthy ones. You should be extremely proud of your growth and where it has gotten you. Make no mistake, you have given some great advice and solid opinions- even if not everyone wants to hear them and take them to heart.
Sorry to hijack but man I am glad someone else feels the same. That sums it up absolutely perfectly Don. I thought I was in bizarro world down here. Though I do miss the learning that I was able to achieve while I was in new comers I legit learned a ton about relationships, things that I had never considered before and it was eye opening for me. I miss that. Maybe there is somewhere else I can find that will give me that again as I enter this new phase.
Most people are going to do what they are going to do - as well they should. They are adults and it's their life. But then what's the point of a group like this if we are not going to at least consider what other's have to say. It's gotten to be basically a small club of about a dozen people who don't want to hurt one another's feelings so are now letting some rather bad decisions just go unchecked and unchallenged. And clearly, some are not hear to get input - rather just to journal.
Exactly why I seldom post much anymore!!
I don't know, but when I first got here there was a lot of kind hearted support I got that I needed when I was going through the initial shock and turmoil of being a LBS. But as my situation progressed I got a lot of honest feedback from folks who turned into good friends outside this board. People like J3B, Mach, and Eric who challenged me to examine my role in the breakup of my marriage and not just play the victim card. (Well, Jack was a bit of a cuddler at times right Mach?) As Eric would say "do the hard work" that I don't see a lot of people here now doing.
Was it easy??!! H*ll no!! But it made me a better, stronger person and has definitely helped me in all aspects of my life and current relationships. There is a time for coddling and a time for 2x4's. Maybe it's our current politically correct climate and the fear of offending anyone, I don't know, but it certainly feels different.
Sorry, for the hijack Ginger!! I wish you all the best and you know you can challenge me and be brutally honest with me anytime you want.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Hey Ginger - to post or not....your choice. Choose wisely. Love ya sis!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
