Midlife wife crisis5

[LH19]

W,

First off I am really sorry you’re struggling right now.

Again most of your problems come from expectations and not knowing the material. You still think detachment is not pursuing your W. It is not, it is a state of mind. You try something for a couple days and when it doesn’t work you immediately say see this isn’t working. There is no quick fix or magic bullet.

Your W most likely sees those good connections as a possibility in the future. That’s after she sees if there is a better connection out there. Because right now she has no doubt you are still on the hook for plan B.

As for you missing your kids when you’re not with them why don’t you move back in and spend as much time with them as you possibly can?

[IHCLACS]

Wolf. I feel the same way you do as far as detachmrnt. All the activities of GAL feel fake to me too. Its just a distraction. I want my family back more than anything else.

I was invited by my MIL to Easter dinner with W but I politefully declined. Told my MIL I would like to see them and W's Grandmother individually, and that I thought it would be in my own best interest for me not to attend family affairs at this time. Its not because I hate my W, and it's not because of my in laws. I love them, miss them, and want to share their company, as they do with me. I just don't see the point, other than for the sake of our S1 to attend any further functions which I have been invited to in the future by W and family.

I really don't know if I'm in the wrong here? I feel like I'm slapping away the hand of kindness and invitation, and every time I do this it appears to my wife and family that I am being standoffish, and it just drives the resentment further. On the other hand I need to protect myself emotionally. Why in the world would I want to "play family" when it is my wife's decision to seperate? It ticks me off and confuses me so much!!! That the more I pull away, the more I am looked down upon. Its kind if like....The WAS 's mindset is" I just want to get away from him I just want to get away from him I just want to get away from him...." "but I can be friendly and amicable and happy and pleasant around family, and treat my H like a friend, make it seem like there's nothing wrong because they don't have to live with him..."

You can't win either way either way you'll look butt hurt, and either way they'll be happy and smiling moving forward as if nothing is wrong.

At best if you attend the family functions they will just look at you as doing it for the sake of your children.

So I decided to take our S1 to a separate brunch with my Mom and brother, after my w and Son parted I sat around watching Jesus movies all day which I actually enjoyed. When W returned she mentioned how much everyone misses me. I just kept my response short and polite. Everything I'm doing is not only not working but making things worse by pulling away. But everyone here trust says trust the process so I'm trusting it. I hope they feel the loss in the future and wake up without me being perceived as punitive.

[Wolfman]

Joejoe I know I need to detach more. I have my good days and bad days. There are more days good than there are bad. When I am around her she doesn’t see that side of me. I am confident, happy and fun especially with the kids without overdoing it either.
LH I know there are no quick fixes. I get it. I am just trying to take it one day st a time. As far as moving in, I told
You the one thing that worries me, the child support. I got her to come down a lot when she did t have to. If I move back in who’s to say she could go for the full support? We didn’t sign anything.

LH give me a little credit she asked me to come over after brunch and I didn’t. Usually I would have said yes. Please understand know that this is a process and there are no quick fixes. Please don’t misinterpret what I am saying. Maybe it’s the way I say it on here, I’m not expecting one or 2 things I do and she will want back into the m. I k ow it will take many things over a long period of time. I just come on here to vent. I am going to reread DR again.

[IHCLACS]

I just don't get how they can choose to leave a M, divide a family, look for happiness and life elsewhere, force you to sell your home if you can't buy out, but then expect you to be nice, and friendly, and still attend family functions. It all seems like a sort of psychopathy to me.

[Wolfman]

IH it is confusing. I get the whole do you go or not go and spend time with them. That when you decline we are the “bad” one. They are the ones doing this, they are the ones who want this. I think you made a great move. I give you credit for your strength. My mistake is I think by doing some of these things together I hope to show her things can work out. I know I am only fooling myself. I will also be rereading the thread on detachMent

LH I am considering moving back in and to the MBR. I just have to understand what that could mean to me financially. That’s really what is holding me back is all that child support she could make me pay!

[LH19]

I think your guys number one problem is expectations. If you want to go then go. Just don't have any expectations that it will change anything. If you don't want to go then let them know why you don't want to go. Say something like "W we are not a family anymore. I need time to heal and move on and spending time with your family will delay/prevent this process right now. Make it clear that this is how you feel right now.

You guys also have to remember that your Ws are likely 2-3 years ahead of you in this process. They have mourned the end of the marriage but may not want to completely cut you out of their lives. You may also feel the same 2-3 years down the road. That is why they are ok being friends.

[AnotherStander]

AS I get they want time and space. For your situation why did you wait 6 months? What exactly made you decide to move forward with d? If you don’t mind me asking?

I'm not sure what you mean about the 6 months, do you mean before I started pushing for D? Because that was closer to 2 years after BD. And by then I was just completely, 100% done. What's the point of being married to someone who doesn't love you, doesn't live with you, contributes nothing at all to your household and doesn't want to touch you much less have sex with you? There were other reasons too, but that was the main thing.

I just need to talk. Why is it some days I feel like I can do this and others I feel completely devastated?

Google "the 7 stages of grief" and it will help you understand what you're going through. Believe me, your feelings are completely normal.

Why does it hurt so much when I see other families together and makes me think what did I do wrong?

And you think the families you see are all super happy, content and perfect? Because that's highly unlikely.

What about how much I miss my kids when I am not with them? This is going to be a tough week, we are off from work. I will fill up my days with stuff to do and people to see, but it’s fake. It’s fake because it’s not what I really want, I want my family.

At first you have to make yourself GAL. But with time it gets easier and easier until you find you actually enjoy it. Here's the thing, we humans don't like change. We like "status quo". When big change is visited upon us against our will it freaks us out. We think we are going to die. But eventually we process it and adjust to it, the counselors call it "finding a new normal". You'll get there but it takes time and you need to be patient.

I know she is not “there” but how can she be ok with this dynamic when all she ever stressed for 19 years was family?

That is a question you will have to learn to live with never having an answer to, because there is no answer. You don't know, we don't know, even your W doesn't know.

That’s why for me this detachment is hard for me, everytime I detach it feels wrong.

DBing is counter-intuitive. It feels wrong because everything in your heart and soul is telling you to pursue, to tell her your feelings, to lay your soul bare. But all that will get you is BD'd all over again and set you back to square one.

I guess the other thing I struggle with is yesterday. We had a nice family brunch good conversation, laughing just an overall good time. For me it’s like, “see we can make this work.”

Here's what she's thinking- "this is perfect, I can go off and pursue other men and find true love, but when I feel like it I can invite H to have some family time with me and the kids. Win-win!" It's cake-eating. She doesn't see you as a romantic interest right now, period.

Now comes the 2x4. Quit being so needy and whiny and desperate. I guarantee you it's not just here, she sees it too. And it's not attractive. Time to find your man card again and punch that baby.

[LH19]

Now comes the 2x4. Quit being so needy and whiny and desperate. I guarantee you it's not just here, she sees it too. And it's not attractive. Time to find your man card again and punch that baby.

LOL. Thanks AS! Especially with Wolfie I feel like I am always the bad guy trying to get him to takes his b@lls back.

[Ready2Change]

I am considering moving back in and to the MBR. I just have to understand what that could mean to me financially. That’s really what is holding me back is all that child support she could make me pay!

Is your plan still weekend dad? Would 50/50 parenting plan change the child support calculations?

[Wolfman]

AS thank you for all your insight. I just come on here to get those feelings out. I don’t show that to my w. I show her nothing but a happy person. Sorry for coming off whiny. This is the only place I let those feelings out. Little by little I am getting my man card back. Might not seem like it on here but I am. I just unload those feelings on here and then I feel better.
LH I never look at you like a bad guy!! You are keeping it real and I appreciate it. That’s what I need. I have definitely got a lot better about not pursuing her. Or feeling needy. I never contact her first unless it’s about money issues or the kids. If she enters a room I am in and talks to me I am upbeat and happy and validating when needed. But then I make sure I leave the room so I doesn’t look I need her to be with me. Anytime she raises her voice or starts talking about us in front of the kids, I tell not to do it in front of the kids. If she ever tries to put me down I tell her don’t speak to me that way and I walk away. LH the other thing that is interesting is you said they have a head start. I believe what you are saying, then man she was good at hiding it. That makes sense why they don’t seem as”hurt” I guess as I do.
R2C we are doing a 50/50 split but since they will sleep at her house during the week because of school she is entitled to the child custody. I will pick them up from school some days and take them with me and bring them back at bedtime.
Again thank you all for your support. This makes me feel better and keeps me on track or at least brings me back.
One of the things that really helps is knowing what I am feeling and going through is normal.