Just a few questions for today. On the topic of cake eating, where do you draw the line? She has asked me a few things such as building furniture for her in her new apartment which I shut down as it was obvious cake eating. But what about things such as helping her put my son into his car seat in her car? Obviously I want to help with my son but is her asking me to load him in the car cake eating?
Also does anyone have a good thread for temperature check info? I’m a little confused on when she is temp checking me and on how I should reply.
Final thought, she has been getting naked/walking around in underwear in front of me more lately. She did this daily when our R was good. Then stopped around time of BD. And now a month after BD is back to it. Any thoughts?
Cake eating is a lot a gut feeling. Furniture for the new apartment? Yeah, probably cake eating. Helping son into car? No that is being a dad. If you have questions defer your answer or reaction and bring it here for help.
Temp checking is when the walkaway tests whether or not the LBS is still attached. This especially happens when the LBS gets good at detaching. The WAS will start to temp check. "Hey, let's have dinner together tonight." Or walking around in her underwear in front of you to see if has an effect. Temp checking can also be a way to manipulate you. Maybe you not wanting to help with furniture would change if she shakes her butt naked in front of you a little. How do you respond to temp checking? First don't if you don't have to. Ignore the naked and underwear strutting. On the request for dinner "sorry but I have plans tonight."
The problem for the LBS is that because they are looking for any signs of life, they overreact to temp checking as signs the WAS is coming back. Assume all positive signs she shows as temp checking until you are sure otherwise. This all goes into the "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well had the longest R talk yet. I have been DBing quite well in my opinion and have removed all pressure and I mean all. Have been getting a life. Haven’t snooped in like 2 weeks (lol I know not that long) and don’t have any urge to snoop because I know it won’t do any good.
Anyway my W came home after work, I was watching my son while cleaning some stuff in the kitchen. (House cleaning a big 180 for me). Wasn’t hoping she would come home to this 180 was just doing it as part of the new me.
W comes into the kitchen and begins small talk about the high temperature today. We talk pleasantly for a few minutes and joke around a little. Next she says that we should talk about our agreement related to child care and child support. We have come to an agreement on who will get our son on what days.
When it came to the child support we had previously decided on $800 a month. $500 for child care and $300 for food, formula, bottles etc. Today I brought up that I am started to pay his health insurance through my work. We discussed this for a few minutes and she agree that I would only pay her $700 because I was paying for his insurance.
I asked her why she was agreeing so easily when she previously wanted $800. She replied that she just wanted us to be able to agree without going to court. She then went on to say that she wants us to get along and do family things in the future? I validated and agreed that I wanted what was best for our son. She then said that she knew she was gonna hate me at some point. I asked her what she meant by this and she said when you get a new girlfriend.
I didn’t ask anything more as it was her R talk and I wanted to see where this was going. She continued to ask me what I was going to do on my first weekend without our son. She then said “I bet your gonna go out drinking and hookup with a bunch of girls”. Someone gave me a great response to questions like this but in the moment I just said I’m not sure. I kinda like keeping her guessing on where my heads at for some reason.
Next she asked me if I would still wear my ring. I responded by asking if she would wear hers. She said probably not. She then asked again if I had seen a lawyer or filed divorce. I said no. She then said that she hasn’t even thought about divorce yet and is just worried about how we will handle our son. She then said something along the lines of maybe we just need a break.
Not sure if she is having doubts or if she is just trying to temp check me. Either way it seems like I am a backup plan right now and I’m not really down with that. I didn’t really respond to her question and just said maybe without emotion. She then went on to say something along the lines of I’m so pretty dont you think I’m pretty? This felt like another temp check so I didn’t really respond.
So yeah that’s where we are at. I’ve been getting temp checked a ton it feels like. From her playing footsy with me, to her waking around naked, pulling up her dress and showing me her underwear and asking if I think she’s pretty. I have done exceptionally well in my responding and have shown no interest.
I read in another thread that WAW won’t leave until they have another branch to jump to. Sure feels as if she is trying to keep me around as a back up with all these temp checks. I know I don’t deserve to be a back up plan and don’t know if I’m even gonna want to take her back. Guess we will see what happens.
Great job sorting out financials and schedule regarding co-parenting your son. That is just something that needs to happen ASAP, and that will make it way easier for you down the road.
Regarding the R talk. Heres my personal experience and advice.
My ex disregarded me as dirt the second she jumped ship, because there was another ship to board. I suddenly didn't mean anything, and never had - typical logic and whatever.
Heres the deal, whenever she became insecure about wether the new ship was sinking or not, she would reach out and talk about break, R, and possible future plans together. That was going on, because I let it. Because I was weak, and didn't realize, that she was just treading waters, because the OM didn't know what he wanted. It never was about me, and if it ever becomes about me again, then that will be years down the road.
Your wife is screaming the word insecure, and you are, despite everything, her harbour where she finds shelter for the storms. But that is definitely not alright, because she fired you.
Validate her by all means, but do not get drawn into anything, because this is about her own selfish agenda, and not about you. Sorry to be so straight forward.
Detach, lovingly, but detach - and for gods sake, trust nothing she does. The second a new ship enters the horizon, she will sink you.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Halizy9, are you trying to nice her back? I mean you asked her why she agreed to only$700 easily. My question is why did you? I'm off the opinion that the LBS should subtly make it as hard to D them as possible. W: "Let's discuss support?" You: "I think there's an issue the court should decide.'
Most LBHs are afraid if they because they're afraid they'll get screwed. But by agreeing to it without a court involved you are letting her off the hook. I'm not so sure your WAW is temp checking you as much as she's throwing you bikes so you'll go along with all this easily. Essentially letting her take the easy way out. I mean if you want to D then be accommodating. But she's nicing you into an easy peasy D.
Just my two cents. In my sitch I made it clear to my WAW/WW that I had spoken to a lawyer, and that I would not be doing anything to help the D along. I wouldn't try to stop it but the dirty work was hers. I think it made her realize that maybe staying married want so bad.
How's GAL going?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hurt, at first around BD she seemed unsure, then she seemed to hate me and wouldn’t touch, talk to me anything. Now she is back to being nice, touching me, initiating conversation with me. In regards to another ship, I am suspecting an EA, but have found nothing and am no longer interested in snooping. In response to her saying things like maybe we just need a break and things that sound as if she is trying to keep me around I respond in a pretty uninterested way. I don’t think I have given her any intention that I plan on waiting around as her back up plan besides me saying that I don’t believe in divorce. Yeah thanks for the advice Hurt, I have accepted she is on her own journey and I am okay with either outcome.
Hey Steve, I am not trying to nice her back. I have shut down her attempts at cake eating. I have not fallen for her temp checks. After doing some research I was comfortable with that much support and I don’t really want to drag this out and go to court. I’m kind of at the point where if she were to file I would see it as, why should I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.
Other events. Yes she does seem incredibly insecure the last few days. Constantly asking where I am going who I’m talking to, if I’m going to get a new girlfriend, when my new roommate will move in blah blah. I am responding to all this very shortly because the way I see it, it’s not her business if she’s the one leaving.
Also I got another tattoo yesterday(I have many). I didn’t tell her about it and she finally noticed it as I undressed for bed. She was upset that I didn’t tell her about it, which I normally would have ahead of time. I really think she is started to think that I’m not going to stick around as her backup plan. After that she was very touchy in bed and actually initiated cuddling, which we haven’t done in a month. Cuddling was one of the things she really liked and was one of the complaints of BD that I never cuddled her unless I was trying to have s*x. Just an interesting development.
If you remember what is was, please post. It might help someone else.
I think it was you ready who told me a good response to: Are you going to date other women? I have no intention of complicating my life more with another woman at the moment.
Originally Posted by Steve85
How’s GAL going?
Good Steve, I already was good at GAL but now I am doubling down. Weight lifting 6 days a week for longer periods of time than before. Hockey 3 or 4 times a week. Going out with friends more. In regards to what I’m doing new for GAL: Joined a second hockey team with a bunch of guys I don’t know in hopes of making another group of friends. Started going fishing once a week. Started reading before bed instead of just surfing the internet. Taking my son to outings just him and I more often. Been going out to lunch often and trying different new beers. And doing a bunch of work/improvements around the house. Been trying to have more small talk with strangers.
Hey guys, Saw a lawyer finally and found out exactly how much my child support/spousal support will be. Haven’t talked with W about it yet. Lately she has been far more interactive with me. Starting conversations and joking around quite a bit. I’m curious if it’s because she no longer feels pressure or if she is pursuing me in the pursue/chase cycle or a combination of the two?
So my sons 1st birthday is in about two months. A few days ago my W and MIL told me they are planning a trip to Disney land for his bday. They told me they wanted me to go which I responded with “I’ll think about it”. I ended up deciding to go because I want to be there for my son.
I’ve been reading a lot of other sitches and what comes up often is where to draw the line on doing things with the separated or ex W as a family. I feel that his birthday and a trip to Disney land is something I wouldn’t want to miss. But if my W were to ask me to go to a swimming lesson with her and my S I was thinking I would say no? I am normally the one to go into the pool with him. When we separate if it’s not my day with him I shouldn’t be helping her out and co parenting? Is this a correct view or is this considered being a bad father.
Obviously I want to be there for my son, but it would kind of seem like cake eating on the part of my W. Am I over thinking this?
She also mentioned the other day wanting to still do things as a family down the road which I don’t really know about. In my opinion she is breaking the family in half by separating from me and maybe she is in fantasy land not realizing that I’m not going to be around to help her with stuff.
I understand your confusion regarding time with son as family, because that was something I my self struggled with immensely.
My advice is really simple:
It comes down to one thing: You. <-- What do I mean by that. It means that, if you can go be with your ex/wife/stbxw or whatever she is and do things with your son as a "family" without having ANY expectations in regards to your situation. If you can do that because, your sole reason for doing it, is that you have an interest in being there for your son, then by all means, attend EVERY chance you have to be with him.
The fact is, that he loves you, and he loves his mom, and its precious for him, to do things with both parents. That is not possible and applicable to all situations, because the relationship between the ex spouses does not make that possible - however if it is, and you are there only for his sake, then go.
Do NOT miss out on his life, because its not cake eating if you drop the rope - then its co-parenting and parenting at its best. Its not about her, its about you and those very very important moments with your son that matters to you. Who cares what she gets out of coming along, that not for you to read into.
Detach - drop the rope - then go spend every minute you can with that little beautiful human being, because before you know it, he is two.... I would know - my son just turned two in january.
Oh I babelled a lot, when I wanted to write a short reply, hopefully you get my point
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
