I am so glad to have found this place and Michelle's book. I am a newcomer and I am struggling.
After 27 years of marriage, I discovered that my husband was having an emotional affair- lots of texting and phone calls- back in February of this year. After the initial blow up we were able to have a few honest conversations. He told me he was unhappy in our marriage. We were essentially living as roommates and lack sex has been an issue for some time. Our relationship was friendly, we are best friend who enjoy spending time together, and I thought we were ok. We were in the process of buying our dream home and planning for our future.
The first few weeks after discovery were emotional, but we were still sleeping in the same bed, and were intimate frequently. I discovered he was still in contact with the OP and reacted. I told him if it were to continue then we need to separate. Of course, this just pushed him closer to her and further away from me.
He asked for space so he could figure out what he wants to do. He says he is conflicted. He does not want to lose his best friend, but he is not sure he wants to stay in the marriage. He says, "Maybe it has run its course." He has been on the couch for the last month, but otherwise our relationship is ok. We have our morning coffee together, stay in contact throughout the day, and eat dinner and watch tv together.
Last week, I was feeling a little too good about the way things were going and misread signals. I purchased a few of his favorite things while shopping, stopped by his team practice, and then asked him to go on a hike. His response was I was moving a bit too fast, and he needed space. That we were not in the same place, he wished he were, but he was still conflicted. That is when I found DB. I immediately implemented the LRT.
I started to make plans with friends, joined a gym, and put on a happy face. I told him I was going to a friends to visit for a few days. He seemed annoyed, but told me to have fun. I wasn't on the road for an hour and he began texting me. He texted me throughout my trip and I replied with short responses, and not immediately as I normally do. I did not initiated any contact. He said I seemed "off" and was wondering if I was ok. When he called he stated he did not want to bother me, just checking in. When I came home he seemed unnerved. He asked me lots of questions about what I did and then finally asked if there were "someone else" I was visiting while there. I kept my cool and answered his questions.
Since I came home he continues to contact me, and the tables have somewhat turned. His texts are longer, he's offering to bring home dinner, asking what kind of beer I might like, etc. BUT, just as I think things are moving forward in the right direction, BOOM! I found an email that confirmed my biggest fear. The email described that he would be out of the office traveling. This was the same day I left for my friend's house. He told me he was working on that day, so now I know he was with her. I remember him spending an awful long time getting ready that morning, which leads me to believe that this relationship has turned physical. It is probably not the first time. I am devastated. I can barely look at him.
I know I have only implemented LTR for less than a week, and although I feel I am seeing progress, I'm not sure I can continue knowing this new information. I am torn. Part of me wants to continue doing what I am doing and hope for the best. The other part of me wants to tell hime I can't continue to be his friend as he is involved with someone else, it hurts too much. That our relationship deserves to be treated with respect. That I love him enough to let him go.....
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I should probably add, many of our problems stemmed from the fact that I had become disconnected in the past 6 months. The demands of my job had started to take over my life. I did not give my relationship the attention it deserved. This does not excuse my husband's behavior.
I have worked hard over the past 2 months in trying to build connections with my husband. I am less distracted and show genuine interest in our conversations. I leave work and come straight home to make dinner each day. I am more present in all of my relationships.
I am truly struggling. It is taking everything I have to not confront my husband about the fact that his affair has become physical. I have pretty much avoided contact with him all day. I am so confused by his behavior. He is obviously annoyed, concerned, and interested in my recent 180. His questions tell me he is concerned that I may be getting attention from men while I am out. Yet, he continues to have a relationship with another person.
Hi CSL. So sorry you find yourself here and that you have found there is another woman. My advice to you is to take a step back and really consider what it is you want. Do NOT do anything impulsively. Do NOT make it about her. She is not the reason for your marriage issues...she is the symptom. Do not make it about her. I know it is really, really hard but just keep doing what you are doing. GAL and do 180s...for you. If there comes a time when you feel like you want to formalize things (separation or divorce), do it for the right reasons... because you want out and not because you want to punish him or push him to do something. The HARDEST part about all of this is to be patient enough for your sitch to turn around. Most of us are not. Most of us cannot stop ourselves, even with the amazing advice on here, from trying to make something happen fast. It won’t. Anything you do to try to expedite things will only backfire and push him away. You have noticed some changes with LRT so keep it up. What I know is that eventually, the OW will also notice and start putting pressure on him and WS’s HATE pressure. Your H is conflicted. That’s a good thing. Don’t help him with that by trying to force his hand. It will likely not work out in your favour. I know this is excruciating. It will get better with time. Have faith and keep moving forward. (((HUGS)))
Thank you DejaVu6! I appreciate the support. One of the most important things I have learned throughout this situation is to stop and breathe. In the past I have always reacted immediately, without thinking. It is a hard habit to break, but I am working on it. I will do my best to keep up the LRT and remain hopeful. This has all been so hard because this is not the man I know.
I know that at the very least, I am working on my happiness and improving myself.
I continue to struggle. The thought of my H sleeping with OW keeps creeping into my head. I feel if H wanted to work things out with me he would be making an effort. If he truly wanted to work on our marriage he would be begging for my forgiveness.
I am also becoming concerned about my husband's habits. He is a recovering addict. He has been drinking more and more lately, and I have found hidden beer cans around. He is chewing tobacco and nicotine gum. His computer history shows that he haas been watching porn as well. These habits are all very familiar to me and I fear he is spiraling. We have been here before. Last time it lead to pain med abuse and he lost his job. I stood by and supporting him through his recovery and he told me I saved his life. I almost feel as if the affair is related to his addictions. The feeling he gets from the affair is feeding his addictive personality.
I am not going to confront him at this point because I think it will only bring conflict and make matters worse. I have considered contacting his sponsor as he is also a friend.
When do I decide if it is time to implement boundaries? I feel like I cannot live like this anymore. He is having his cake and eating it too. He gets to come home to a wife who is kind, listens to him, makes dinner, etc. and carry on with another woman.
I am considering setting boundaries and continuing with GAL and 180. I could use some advice on exactly what to say. It is one thing to think it out, but actually doing it is hard. I truly wanted our marriage to work.
Here is what I am thinking (thanks to the many posts I have read):
"When you are involved with another woman while still married to me I feel disrespected. I want all contact to stop. If you continue to contact her and lie to me, I will consider all my options, including D."
There is more I want to add, but I am thinking short and to the point is best. He knows how much I love him and wanted this to work. He knows our relationship deserves respect. I guess there is no need for me to say it at this point.
D is the last thing that I want, but I can't sit back as my husband has a relationship with another woman. I deserve better. I deserve respect.
W 48 (me) H 52 D 27 S1 25 (currently living with us) S2 23
Sorry you are here, but you are, and lets make the best of it, shall we?
There are a whole lot of us here, whom have begun the journey that you are about to undertake, and we all began with that first step, which is so hard, because its absolutely counterintuitive.
Heres the deal.. There are two kinds of people you will come across here, and thats not to say that A or B is right. I am speaking from personal experience when I say, that posters like LH19 will tell you straight up (aka 2x4 you) when you are fooling yourself or when you are about to do something really dumb that will set you back.
He has a great way of setting emotions aside, and telling it like it is. For me personally, that has been golden. For some, it might sound a tad rude, and unfortunately, some people will immediately go on the defensive, instead of actually taking the solid advice into consideration.
Then there are the posters who takes all your emotions into consideration, which is really nice, and I appreciated that to some extent as well, but hey (for me at least), I needed a way out of the darkness, and that way was a lot easier for me to understand, with clear solid advice, and the occasional slap to the face, when I was A: Fooling my self or B: walking the wrong path.
So do not take it personal if I or one of the other posters 2x4 you, because its really insightful and a good help, if you allow it to be .
Lets see about your last post shall we:
"When you are involved with another woman while still married to me I feel disrespected. I want all contact to stop. If you continue to contact her and lie to me, I will consider all my options, including D."
This is a lot of words, and the underlying message reads "I am your plan B, I am hurting, would you please consider not continuing having fun with OW? because then I will maybe, just maybe consider the fact that you and I should not be together, maybe..."
A boundary is something you set in stone, its crystal clear when that boundary is crossed, and the reaction / warning needs to be enforced instantly - if you are not able to do that, then dont set that boundary, because that will look weak as fk..
If you are absolutely sure, that a continued involvement with OW equals D for you then keep it simple and understandable: "H, I will not tolerate adultery in my M. If you do not cease all contact with OW, I will begin D proceedings." <-- This will most likely end in D, but you will have your self respect and nothing in that statement can be misunderstood. Do it because you want to, not because you want him to react in a certain way.
Get out and do stuff with 0 energy at first (it will get better). Set some goals for yourself, short term and long term, and work towards these goals. Become independent and realize, that you are more than able, and capable of life without hubby.
Stay strong, and do run your thoughts and ideas by here, before executing .
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
My H and I ended up having a conversation this morning as we were deciding what to do about our Easter plans. He felt as if I have been acting as I am moving on and wanted to talk. Of course, I tried my best to sit and listen without responding much, but I also felt I had to stay true to myself and my feelings. It turned into a relationship discussion, that I probably should have avoided, but in a way I feel relieved.
He thinks perhaps a break, or separation, will do us good. "Maybe a month from now I will regret this.....Maybe we will realize how much we love each other and that we can't live without one another. This does not mean the end of our marriage...." I'm not sure if he is just saying this to make me feel better, or to lessen his guilt, but I cannot go on living in our current situation as it is. He is overwhelmed by the thought of moving out and what it will involve. He said he doesn't even know where to begin. As far as I'm concerned it is not my problem.
He continues to tell me this other "relationship" is not what I think, that it is not intimate, etc. Frankly, at this point I don't care what the details are, it is damaging to our relationship. I am tired of the lies. He tries to tell me that this contact with the OW is a separate entity, that our relationship issues are a bigger part to what is going on with him. That we have caused much damage in our marriage over the last 27 years. I have learned enough over the past few months to know that this is typical talk, he is trying to rationalize his behavior.
I know that I may lose him forever, but I think I would rather end our marriage than live with the knowledge of this ongoing affair. At the end of our conversation I told him that if his contact and relationship with _____ continues, then he needs to leave. I said her name for the first time out loud, and it felt like a relief.
I am truly heartbroken. We have faced many difficulties over the past 28 years together, and I thought we would fight through this. We have always worked well as a team and taken things on together. I am angry, sad, and overwhelmed by emotions.
I appreciate all of the support on this forum. I will try to remember to be patient, look to advice before acting
In retrospective, we could all have done a lot of things different, and as long as we realize this, and try to do better, then thats the only lesson to take from the past with us into the present and future.
What do I mean by that? you realized, that you shouldn't had involved yourself into an R talk. Good job! You are absolutely right, dear! you are by no means detached, healed or ready for such an emotional draining conversation.
You tried to listen and validate - Well done, more of this! (unless its about OW, then fk that conversation, pardon my language, thats just disrespectful).
You got dragged into an R talk - NO more of this, not for many months to come. Its just cake eating and him trying to ease his guilty feelings.
You set a boundary, I hope you are ready to enforce it - how will that take place? what is your plan of action?
Do NOT let him talk to you about his relationship or whatever he calls it, with the OM - its just disrespectful - hold yourself to higher standards, please!
Him talking about a "break" - let me translate this into a language that is easy understandable: You are my plan B, and I want to explore this new opportunity of mine. In case everything backfires, and the grass isn't greener, I want you to hang on in the shadows, so I can bounce back to my known safety net.... Come on, he is out the door - 28 years or 28 days, its all the same for him right now, sorry. Dont fall for this - again it comes down to self-respect - its tough, its brutal to say the least, but in a year from now, you want to look back on this with a sense, that you conducted yourself with grace, you stood up for yourself, you fought for your marriage from a place of STRENGTH, because you should be the GOLD MEDAL for ANY man who is lucky enough to call you a life companion..
Be strong. Dont be a pushover, you deserve more.
Last edited by Hurt213; 04/21/1906:26 PM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
.