Husband is having an affair...trying LRT

[CSL]

Living, I can't thank you enough for your support. I was just about to jump over to your thread.

H absolutely tries to justify his behavior. I do not recognize this man, but at times I do see him in there. There are times when he is talking to me, telling me about his day and everything seems so normal. I almost forget. I think he does too. Day to day conversation is so natural, familiar. Then it hits me......

This is truly the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I cannot even believe it is happening. It consumes me. Just a few short months ago we were living our life, planning our future.....

I've made many mistakes in the past 2 months, but I am trying not to beat myself up about it. I don't think I have done anything that would have changed my course at this point. I don't want him to leave, I want to work this out, but I'm not sure how long I can stay on this ride.

In just a few short days I have found so much support. I appreciate this forum.

[CSL]

Not going to read too much into it, but H hugged me for the first time in weeks this morning.

H began a conversation about my weight. He said although it was none of his business, he was wondering how much I weigh. As we are both fairly fit, and fitness has always been a common interest, he is aware of my typical weight. I have lost 15 lbs since Feb. and am thinner than I have ever been in my adult life. He continued to offer suggestions of what I could do to put some weight back on. It came from a place of concern and he ended the conversation with, "I know this is my fault."

Before he left for work he came up to me and said, "I want you to know that this came from a place of concern." and he patted me on the shoulder. He continued, "You are still beautiful. You are beautiful and amazing. I want you to know that." He grabbed me and hugged me, rubbing my back, and continued to tell me how beautiful I was.

We have hugged in recent weeks, but this was different. He initiated it and it was genuine. I am not reading into it other than maybe a little bit of progress. Perhaps it was out of guilt, but I feel like that is ok. He is showing genuine concern for me and admitting to how his actions have impacted me. I think this is progress for out relationship- no matter what R looks like at this point.

Day to day conversation continues to be difficult because it feels so natural, so normal. H made a comment about a house that was featured on the news this morning. It was on the water, something we have always dreamed of, he said he wondered if the house was for sale. Then he said something about how he was just trying to make a joke (it was a crime scene) it just came out without thinking. I think as we engage in "normal" routine things we both forget for a moment. I'm sure this is normal, especially after so many years together.

Continuing with GAL. The gym has been a huge help. This has always been something I loved to do and I have neglected over the last 6+ months. It is H's former gym so he knows many people there, so his interest is in who was there, who's teaching classes, etc. Again, not reading into anything right now. This is helping me become stronger in mind and body.

[AnotherStander]

CSL- your H wants to keep you on as Plan B. Who knows what his Plan A is, maybe there's an OW that he's keeping secret, or maybe one he's talking to that keeps telling him to leave his W and then maybe she'll take him, or maybe just a fantasy OW. But regardless, you are NOT his Plan A right now. But, he wants to keep you on in case Plan A falls through. You're his backup plan. Here's the problem with this, if you start playing into his hands and eating up all the crumbs he throws you will ALWAYS be Plan B. There will be OW2 and 3 and 4 etc. etc. all while you sit on the back burner. You'll be good when he wants some family time or maybe a quickie but not as a real W. So what do you do, well you do what you are already doing- you make it clear to him that you are NOT Plan B. You have too much self-worth to be his pathetic backup plan. You DESERVE to be Plan A whether it's with him or someone else. If you hold your head high, leave him to his mess and get out and GAL then he WILL notice and he will start to realize what he's leaving behind is far better than whatever he thinks he's pursuing.

Not going to read too much into it, but H hugged me for the first time in weeks this morning.

Classic case of throwing you some crumbs to keep you on as Plan B. Don't fall for it. He's got a long way to fall before he might come to you with real humbleness in his heart over what he's done.

He said although it was none of his business, he was wondering how much I weigh.

"Don't worry about it H, I lost some weight due to stress but I'm doing better now."

It came from a place of concern and he ended the conversation with, "I know this is my fault."

Don't respond to comments like this. He's baiting you.

Before he left for work he came up to me and said, "I want you to know that this came from a place of concern." and he patted me on the shoulder.

Oh yes, the ol' WAS pat. Next time tell him you are fine and pull away, make it clear you're not interested in his condescending gestures.

[CSL]

CSL- your H wants to keep you on as Plan B. Who knows what his Plan A is, maybe there's an OW that he's keeping secret, or maybe one he's talking to that keeps telling him to leave his W and then maybe she'll take him, or maybe just a fantasy OW.

There is OW. She is also married.

You DESERVE to be Plan A whether it's with him or someone else. If you hold your head high, leave him to his mess and get out and GAL then he WILL notice and he will start to realize what he's leaving behind is far better than whatever he thinks he's pursuing.

Thank you for this reminder. I will keep trying to GAL. It's not always easy, I want to save my marriage, but this is not the marriage I want.

I did not respond to him when he told me my weight loss was his fault. It was hard to hold back, but I just stayed silent.

I cannot say enough about the support I have gotten here, I appreciate you all so much.

[Living]

CSL,

AnotherStander is spot on. Your husband wants to keep you as plan be. He wants you to be a backup in case plan A doesn’t work. You are NO ONES plan B. Trust me when I say that my husband is doing the same thing to me. I can be honest and say that I’ve even made the mistake of allowing myself to be plan B. I did it because I had hope that if I just gave in a little that he would snap out of his MLC. Guess what? He didn’t.

I’m still going through it with my husband because “currently” we still live under the same roof. But I have cut him clean off. No more playing second fiddle to whatever he decides to make a priority over me. I don’t give or accept any of his physical touches anymore. Why because all he’s doing his throwing me bread crumbs and temp checking me.

My husband will literally bomb me and less than an hour later try and touch me or kiss me. Sometimes I feel like this is a sick game to him. But as soon as he comes in to hug or kiss me, I block his advances like a heavy weight boxer. Lol! As a result, he normally pouts or throws a toddler size tantrum.

Keep focusing on you. Don’t put any stock into anything he says. As it stands right now, I wouldn’t believe anything that my husband said even if his tongue came notorized. Take care of yourself, try to eat even if it’s several small meals. I know this is hard and emotionally draining. I’m thinking of and praying for you. I’m also sending you lots of love.

[CSL]

Thanks Living.

The temp checking makes sense to me. A few weeks back my H told me I did so many nice things for him and he should be doing nice things for me, blah, blah, blah- He said something about how I take out his creamer every morning for his coffee, and he doesn't even think to do it for me (I've stopped). He went on to talk about groceries I buy for him, etc (I've stopped). This morning I walked into the kitchen and my creamer was sitting next to my mug. Something so small, and it seems silly even as I type this, but he knows what he is doing.

I can understand why you would have hope and allow yourself to be plan B. I'm afraid I might do the same. I keep reminding myself that I deserve better, I am no one's plan B. I also find myself thinking, "When is he going to snap out of this?" I can't believe this is the man I have known for almost 30 years!

I am so impressed with your strength. Thank you for your advice. I am taking much better care of myself. I am eating more and have gained a few pounds back. Working hard at the gym to build back the muscle. Focusing on me. You are in my thoughts as well. I have read much of your story and I hope the best for you.

[Living]

Thanks Living.

The temp checking makes sense to me. A few weeks back my H told me I did so many nice things for him and he should be doing nice things for me, blah, blah, blah- He said something about how I take out his creamer every morning for his coffee, and he doesn't even think to do it for me (I've stopped). He went on to talk about groceries I buy for him, etc (I've stopped). This morning I walked into the kitchen and my creamer was sitting next to my mug. Something so small, and it seems silly even as I type this, but he knows what he is doing.

Yes that sounds like temp checking to me. It was nice that he left the creamer next to your mug. I think it’s ok to recognize nice things that they do. However, you should never have any expectations or think that it changes anything.

I can understand why you would have hope and allow yourself to be plan B. I'm afraid I might do the same. I keep reminding myself that I deserve better, I am no one's plan B. I also find myself thinking, "When is he going to snap out of this?" I can't believe this is the man I have known for almost 30 years!

I’ve made almost every mistake a LBS could make. Almost EVERY ONE. Lol! Listen this is tough and in the beginning we are really vulnerable. Don’t beat yourself up. You’ll make mistakes. Learn from them and continue on “your” journey.

I am so impressed with your strength. Thank you for your advice. I am taking much better care of myself. I am eating more and have gained a few pounds back. Working hard at the gym to build back the muscle. Focusing on me. You are in my thoughts as well. I have read much of your story and I hope the best for you.

Some days I’m strong and others I’m weak. This takes time. The one thing I can say is that I’m a lot stronger than I was when I first landed on this forum. Give it time, soon you’ll be saying the same thing. I look over my first post and I can see so much growth. However, I also have much more growing to do. Hugs to you dear. Keep up the good fight! You can do this! You’re strong! One day at a time!

[Ready2Change]

There is OW. She is also married.

Everything is counter intuitive.


Here is a link to quotes I have collected over the past 10 years. Read them all for better understanding of things that work:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2831362



Boundaries work. They may not get your H to stop his A, but they let him know what you will do if he doesn't.

This is the short version of what type of boundary needs to be set:
W"H, this is not working for me. End all contact with OW starting right now or I will file for D"

[HB_Wife]

Wow, this stich sounds a lot like mine. Thank you Ready2Change for sharing it. I will be following and learning.

[CSL]

H is continuing to do nice things, some small, things he had done in the past, but I have not seen for months- trying not to take those crumbs! I remind myself that I am not his Plan B! I have not called or texted him, but I do respond to his contact. He is standing closer, hanging around a bit more, finding reasons to call or text....temp checking, I am sure. I will take it for what it is and continue to GAL and 180.

The best thing about trying to 180 is that I feel more like my old self. Over the past few years I had become critical, and a bit negative. Instead of looking for the best in people, I would point out their flaws. Not directly to them, but my comments would usually have some agenda, if you know what I mean. I did not feel good about it, nor did I feel like myself. The more I did it, the more unhappy I would become, and it became a cycle. Today, I am much calmer and more myself. Although I feel as if I am falling apart at times, I am happier with myself and the direction in which I am headed.

Big confession here- I am a snoop. Always have been, it is rooted deep into my childhood and my own parent's divorce. But..... I have worked very hard to stop. Snooping does nothing to help, nor is it beneficial. It brings on more anxiety and questions and only hurts my relationships. it is something H has always complained about. It is not easy to stop, but I am sleeping better and feel an inner strength developing.

Taking it day by day, moment by moment.