I moved out of master bedroom. I nested. I moved out of the marital home. I highly recommend against this. It will not help your relationship with W. She will lose respect for you.
Your goal is for your wife to respect you. Your job is to love your wife.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
To echo R2C, my W proposed bird-nesting back in early January.
On the advice of several people in the forum, my L, as well as my mom and uncle, I turned it down categorically. I told her that if she wants out of MR, she could leave at any time.
W is currently threatening to move out around May 2nd; however, because I held firm on the bird-nesting, it bought me an extra three-and-a-half months with my boys under our roof, which to me is absolutely priceless.
So about 18 months ago my wife declared that she no longer wanted to married "like this". She was referring to years of control, manipulation and emotional abuse by me.
Do you agree you've control, manipulated, and have been emotionally abusive? If so, can you give some examples?
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I begged her to get into couples counseling with me, but she said she needed to be on her own, to heal and to understand the pain she was going through and would not prioritize the marriage.
So, has she been "abused" throughout the relationship? Have either or both of you ever gone to counseling to work through any issues within the relationship?
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In July of last year she finally said she wanted to meet with her counselor where she dropped the bomb of having an affair (her 2nd one in 4 years). She said she wanted to give our marriage a shot. But she didn't let on that she was still talking with this OM and had also started an EA with another guy. Both men were from her high school past.
The MR doesn't have a shot as long as she continues to reach out to other men. The minute she started flirting or talking privately with some other guy........she barricaded her heart from having loving feelings for you. Nothing changes until she decides and adheres to NC with anymore guys.
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Months went by, I continued to ask...and was denied. I continued to work, doing the things I hadn't done for her, help with the house, the kids, the laundry, the dishes, the lunches...I wanted her to know I had changed. The biggest thing of course were my responses to her.
Well how's that working for you? You want to do this for a woman who has told you she will not prioritize her marriage? From what I can tell, it's her that needs to make changes!
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We began seeing a couples counselor who was really experienced with narcissism and control. I knew she'd feel validated and I would have to own my junk.
So which of you are narcissistic? Let me guess, she had no problem going to couple's counseling when it's you that is the focus of the M problems.
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I am triggered by her phone every time it goes off. She is triggered by everything I do, even though she will tell me over and over I have changed. But she says that "she can't heal in this environment" so she needs to get out. But I notice that she's not trying very hard to get a full time job. She doesn't mind that I still provide the roof over our families' head and most of what we enjoy. I feel taken for granted BIG TIME.
Yep! And if you are so bad that it's driving her to all these men. it seems she would be finding financial resources (like full time employment) to get out.
Until I hear more about your abusive ways, I tend to think she is wayward. I'm not saying you don't have some stuff to work out. But, I will say that it is unusual to see a wayward W with an abusive H. It's not too unusual to see a WW accuse the H of being abusive, controlling, or whatever else she thinks will justify her affair. Hopefully, you will expound on your behavior, and then I can respond.
There is a rebellion. resentment (usually long term), loss of respect for the H, coldness, selfishness, deceit, and stubborn pride in the heart of a wayward W. There is a cold spirit about her, that sets her apart from other categories. Some have been known to neglect/abandon their own children. The H looks at her and wonders who she is, b/c she seems for foreign compared to the girl he married.
Okay, so currently I am just trying to get more information. In the meantime, don't repeat any of this to her or the counselor. Don't share the book. These tools are just for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I love the knowledge bombs Sandi. I completely agree with you - there is never any behavior that justifies an affair or 3. But I have been an abusive husband.
Insecure, pouting, yelling, belittling her in front of others, would storm and stonewall, be moody for sex, get mad if she wanted to do things her way, be threatened by her opinion if different from mine, I was nothing of the husband I wanted to be.
I've spent a lot of time in counseling, meeting with other men, pastors, reading, journaling, wanting to understand and change these triggers and behaviors. I know the root of it was my childhood. And while I haven't been perfect, I am completely different in understand how these tendencies were so hurtful.
Fast forward to last week - her IC who does work with abused women exclusively reached out to our CC who has been doing this for 30+ years and has said to me that she has completely checked out and still in the abuse narrative. He told her counselor that he thought my W was not understanding how work able I was - but her counselor said that my W had no plans to rejoin me in the marriage being restored.
When I heard that last week, I asked my W why she didn't just want to divorce me. At this point, even my conviction to not divorce my wife has been challenged as I feel like "let's get on with it if you're going to leave". She hasn't told her parents the extent of it (of anything I believe) but whatever she's not satisfied with still isn't enough to make her pound the pavement for full time work. She's got it too good, taking naps during the day, watching Game of Thrones and going out with her work friends.
Tonight was the first time I have noticed that she's suspicious of something new in my checking out. I'm not hovering. Not trying to be affectionate. Not engaging.
She asked if anything was wrong ( she has several times this week) and I smiled and said not at all. She then said that I was being emotionally distant.
Later tonight I could tell she was even testing me to see if she could get a reaction. She was referencing that someone looked like her X from college and she remembers that "when she was over him emotionally, she was REALLY over him." I could tell it was a little jab and I did not even flinch.
I am so grateful for this group to know that many other people are going through these same things. Love y'all.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
New here. My old thread "A Real Mess" describes our situation. I had been very emotionally abusive to my wife for over 10 years, as we both grew up with that environment. She has had 3 affairs during that time - and I have been working for the last 18 months to try and put the marriage back together.
We saw our CC this morning, and he was basically calling her out to stop being ambiguous about what she wanted to do.
She finally admitted she can't heal in our marriage environment anymore. She admitted she can't see spending the rest of her life with me. She wants a divorce.
But not until she gets a full time job and she can provide for herself. Ironic as I just started DB'ing her last week and she was noticing. For the last year and a half, I'll admit I was doing all the wrong things. I made the changes, but would ask if she could see them. I served the hell out of our family which I hadn't done before. Cleaning house, doing laundry, making lunches & dinners, lots I hadn't done.
So, I guess my question is, do I hold out hope here? I know I should be GAL and detaching. I think my wife was shocked I didn't explode during the session. Our CC cut off any more couples sessions. I validated her feelings and told her I understood.
What next?
Last edited by Cadet; 04/23/1905:30 PM. Reason: threads merged
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
New here. My old thread "A Real Mess" describes our situation. I had been very emotionally abusive to my wife for over 10 years, as we both grew up with that environment. She has had 3 affairs during that time - and I have been working for the last 18 months to try and put the marriage back together.
We saw our CC this morning, and he was basically calling her out to stop being ambiguous about what she wanted to do.
She finally admitted she can't heal in our marriage environment anymore. She admitted she can't see spending the rest of her life with me. She wants a divorce.
But not until she gets a full time job and she can provide for herself. Ironic as I just started DB'ing her last week and she was noticing. For the last year and a half, I'll admit I was doing all the wrong things. I made the changes, but would ask if she could see them. I served the hell out of our family which I hadn't done before. Cleaning house, doing laundry, making lunches & dinners, lots I hadn't done.
So, I guess my question is, do I hold out hope here? I know I should be GAL and detaching. I think my wife was shocked I didn't explode during the session. Our CC cut off any more couples sessions. I validated her feelings and told her I understood.
What next?
First of all. Deep breaths. Breathe. Calm down. They all get there. My W said those things to me on Bomb day. She was sure. Didn't want to be married to me anymore. Didn't have any attraction to me. Said I was like X to her (X being a guy we both know that she has no attraction for at all).
10 weeks later she couldn't keep her hands off of me, all thoughts of Ding were gone, and we started piecing and going to MC. The one thing that WWs are consistent about is that they are wildly inconsistent. So yes, right now she feels that way. Tomorrow she could be telling you she wants to recommit to the marriage.
What next? Stay the course. Focus on you. GAL. Detach. Keep up the 180s. The one thing that will seal your fate is slipping back into old behaviors.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think my wife was shocked I didn't explode during the session.
This is part of seducing your wife back. Surprise her. make her think of you different. Old you is now dead. The new and improved you needs to step up. Alpha male.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks so much for the encouragement Ready2Change and Steve85. I am determined to stay the course. I understand that walking in integrity, making changes is really a win-win. If she decides to leave, I have done the work that I can still benefit from....even in my next relationship if it gets to that.
Love y'all. Again thanks so much.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Thanks so much for the encouragement Ready2Change and Steve85. I am determined to stay the course. I understand that walking in integrity, making changes is really a win-win. If she decides to leave, I have done the work that I can still benefit from....even in my next relationship if it gets to that.
Love y'all. Again thanks so much.
Hang in there buddy. It will get better. Just have to stay patient, ride it out, and focus on yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
