13 years and 2 kids pt. 5

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So my ex was here to visit the kids yesterday, and I had the opportunity to tell her about the situation with D5. She is just as concerned as I, and we are definitely at the place, where I don't really care about us, and she hasn't for a while, so its easy to convey that energy I used to pool into resenting her decisions, and let it work towards as great a co-parenting scenario as possible without being disrespected or taken for granted, which I am no longer tolerating.

I also informed her, that I would appreciate it, if she left the house cleaned up and decent on switching days, as it took my very sparse weekend time with the kids away, if I was to use 1-2 hours every friday cleaning after her week.

She showed clearly, how she has no respect for me, and that the resentment is just under her smiling surface, how did I get to that conclusion you might ask? Well my interpretation of her just rolling her eyes, looking at me like, who are you to tell me anything? attitude, was beaming from her.

She then proceeded to tell me, how she always cleaned the house, and at least she didn't leave service in the wash etc . <--- I actually think, that she believes this to be true. Oh well, I can't wait for her to get her own place and my as well. That will make this a lot easier since we apparently have evolved very different standards of keeping house since she left me. I can't but think, that she most likely puts more energy in cleaning OMs house than her kids, but I can't use that thought for anything, so not going there.

I am really not interested in this mess anymore, so I said: "I can understand if you are annoyed by service left behind by me, and I will do my best to not let this happen again - However, duvets in the living room couch, filthy floors, toothbrushes on the floors (wtf?), service in the wash (she never does according to her, so I pointed out that the washing machine was filled with clean service, so she just filled the wash with the dirty service, she then thought about it, and realized that she did that), food stained cabinets and surfaces all over the kitchen and I could continue, was not okay. I did my best to ensure, that she and the kids have a clean house to come home to on fridays, so that they have time to just be together after a weeks absence, and I would appreciate it if she would consider taking care of the house so me and the kids can have the same quality time. Then I left it at that - didn't want to get into a fight or anything, not worth my energy, so I left the room before she could engage.

She spent the rest of the afternoon in the house, and didn't mention it, so it was fine.

Just wanted to follow up on that, and I felt empowered afterwards, admitted.

Me and the kids are going for a walk in the forest with some friends, so have a good afternoon .

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So I am finding myself spending less time on here than I used to, and I guess life is just happening, so I take that as a good sign.

Whats new for me: House is being relisted with new pictures and a new strategy later this month. My kids are reacting to the circumstances right now, and they seem very upset and fragile. I wrote to my ex, and told her that I noticed this behavior, and that I was going to give d5 some slack, and pay extra attention to her emotional needs, and that she definitely was more clingy than ever. My ex was glad I did, and promised to do the same, and ended the text by saying sorry. I guess she ment that the kids being this way was because of the situation she had caused, and most likely wanted me to tell her, that it wasn't her fault. I didn't reply to that whatsoever.

So other than that, my life is good. I won't lie, my ex still has more space in my mind than I want her to have, however thats not something I control. I do control however what I do, when these thoughts come, and I am honestly not letting them control myself and my life anymore, which is great. I am spending a lot of time GAL, golfing with friends, going out to eat, gym, concerts and I am happy.

I do however struggle with some genuine hatred for my ex in one situation. I can talk to my d5, and explain to her, that daddy is leaving now, and will be back soon. She understands. My little man, thats another story. He gets so upset when me or his mother leaves, and cries uncontrollably. Its so sad - last switching day, he ran after me with his arms out, and screamed "dadaaa". My heart just ripped from my chest. We have tried diverting his attention, but he is so very attentive to where we are at the moment, so its impossible. I can honestly say here, because I won't tell her ever - but I HATE her for doing this to my children. I really do. There it is, I needed to get that out.

/h

[Wanted1]

Journaling:

So I am finding myself spending less time on here than I used to, and I guess life is just happening, so I take that as a good sign.

Whats new for me: House is being relisted with new pictures and a new strategy later this month. My kids are reacting to the circumstances right now, and they seem very upset and fragile. I wrote to my ex, and told her that I noticed this behavior, and that I was going to give d5 some slack, and pay extra attention to her emotional needs, and that she definitely was more clingy than ever. My ex was glad I did, and promised to do the same, and ended the text by saying sorry. I guess she ment that the kids being this way was because of the situation she had caused, and most likely wanted me to tell her, that it wasn't her fault. I didn't reply to that whatsoever.

So other than that, my life is good. I won't lie, my ex still has more space in my mind than I want her to have, however thats not something I control. I do control however what I do, when these thoughts come, and I am honestly not letting them control myself and my life anymore, which is great. I am spending a lot of time GAL, golfing with friends, going out to eat, gym, concerts and I am happy.

I do however struggle with some genuine hatred for my ex in one situation. I can talk to my d5, and explain to her, that daddy is leaving now, and will be back soon. She understands. My little man, thats another story. He gets so upset when me or his mother leaves, and cries uncontrollably. Its so sad - last switching day, he ran after me with his arms out, and screamed "dadaaa". My heart just ripped from my chest. We have tried diverting his attention, but he is so very attentive to where we are at the moment, so its impossible. I can honestly say here, because I won't tell her ever - but I HATE her for doing this to my children. I really do. There it is, I needed to get that out.

/h

Hurt, I'm with you on the animosity you feel toward your ExW for what she has done to your family. I feel the exact same way at times. I try my hardest to force those thoughts and feelings out whenever they rise to the surface, which is every now and then. I truly feel so much pain and sorrow for my kids that they have to endure the life of having 2 households and divorced parents. The thought of it is sickening. It would be so much easier to manage and deal with without having kids involved. But, I try to love them as much as possible in my time with them. That's all I can do. Surprisingly, they are handling it all incredibly well. It's almost scary oh well they are thus far. On the flip side, that's so much better than the alternative. Hang in there!

[Hurt213]

Journaling a bit:

So came home one day earlier to take the kids since ex is going on a ski trip with her new guy. I am happy to get to have my kids for more time, so I gladly accepted when she asked if it could be possible. I actually couldn't help but laugh when I hung up the phone. She has never ever, not once, expressed a desire for going skiing in our 12 years together. Neither has sports been of any interest to her. Now she is an avid fan of his favorite sports, and apparently skiing is her thing. I find it kind amusing, and just hope, she does not break anything lol!

Other than that, im happy, kids seem alright although they are stressed about the situation it seems, and it shows from time to time. I have worked a lot of overtime, so im calling early weekend, and tomorrow me and the kids are just going to have a daddy day, where we take things in our tempo and just do what they want to.

Other than that the golf season just begun, and I played my first tournament on sunday and placed second, which was really great. So a lot of upcoming tournaments for me, which will definitely get me out there, socializing with people, and my tournament schedule for the coming season looks a lot different than previously because I have a lot of time on my hands when I dont have the kids, and I am done victimizing myself - I can't change the situation, but I can make it as good as possible within the frame that has been put over my head. I choose to do so.

Just a little from my mind

[neffer]

Glad to hear you are that detached and being there for the kids. Enjoy that time, it´s priceless.
Keep the GAL coming. Keep shining there Hurt!

Stay strong!

[Hurt213]

Journaling..

So, guess its time to put a little effort into my own situation. I try to check in once in a while, but contrary to months ago, I don't really have a need to talk about myself - I am actually just looking to see, if there are any questions that I feel like I have the knowledge to respond to these days - which is really odd, and I can't explain this, but I guess it must be me having dropped the rope and detached.

So In this state of mind, do I still think about my ex? from time to time, and I probably always will, however, I don't really linger with these thoughts anymore - she is and always will be a constant in my life, because of our children - and I accepted that we are bound to go down a mutual path because of that, which then made me realize, that detaching is not about forgetting and pushing away - detaching, at least for me, is accepting the state of life that I can have, is not based on any outside influence, but it comes from within - and I am in a great place right now.

We sat down this week, with our d5, and told her, that mommy and daddy are going to move in two different houses, and that we are no longer in love but really good friends - She has been living in this arrangement of 7/7 schedule for 5 months, so its not really something new for her, and she didn't react. S2 Wont remember so he just played with his firetruck. Ex has a lot of divorced girlfriends, and regularly have had playdates with them and their children, so D5 also know how these arrangements works from there.

When we were done talking, we all headed to the swimming pool and afterwards had a bite together - We had decided to spend the day together, in case D5 had any questions or became upset - nothing of that sort happened - and most likely wont until the house is sold and everything becomes real.

House should be sold within the next 40 days, there is a lot of activity which is great - I am really looking forward to getting my own place, and my own routines with the kids.

I still work out 5 times a week, and have really upped my social game. Getting a lot of female attention, but I don't feel ready to dive in - for now, I am just enjoying me and my kids, and the fact that a long and hard journey is about to be over. Then some point down the road on my new adventure, I will be ready to invite a traveller onboard my ship .

Ex is still together with the OM she left for and has been for 9 months, so I am pretty sure that they are serious, so good for them. I hope she considers not introducing my kids to soon, so they have time to adjust, however I doubt it, since she used my netflix account (yea I changed the password, but she logged in via the kids account), to see a show about a blended family and the struggles that comes with that - I know, I can't interfere, shouldn't, and have no saying. However it is a valid concern of mine, and I am just being honest with you guys - its really my only concern now.

Is reconciliation on the table? She is the mother of my children, and that is the only reason why I am not stating a plain no. I feel empowered by the way I have taken my life into my own hands. I am good looking, I have taken control of my life, I have taken control of my struggles (gym, being social, getting life back on track) and I have accomplished all these things, and I feel so good. When I look at my ex (yesterday), she looks so tired, used and just has an aura of depression around her. Her hair used to be golden, her skin silky smooth, and now, her hair is grayish, her skin is so filled with stress acne, that she is on heavy medication that requires her to take monthly blood samples at the hospital, and her body posture is really bad, she is nearly collapsed.

I am not attracted to the woman I described above, even though we share so much history. I actually said to myself the other day, that "xxxxx as I knew her, died august 2018, I dont know the woman I am looking at" - and I am just at a place in time, where I believe that to be true.

She says she has found herself, and that she is now mature and finally living life as she wants too - I say good for her, and I hope she will become happy, but if that is who she wants to be, then she is no longer a person I can see my self spending my life with.

Finally in regards to reconciliation - I set a boundary for myself, which was, that when my kids were informed about us splitting, then there would be no possibility of recon. My kids are informed, and I have described my emotions, however I struggle just a little bit, because NEVER is such an permanent statement, and I dont know the future. I wanna stay true to myself and my boundary, but yea, a little struggle with forever here.

Just keeping it real and as I am feeling it - feedback always appreciated.

(hugs)

[AnotherStander]

So, guess its time to put a little effort into my own situation. I try to check in once in a while, but contrary to months ago, I don't really have a need to talk about myself - I am actually just looking to see, if there are any questions that I feel like I have the knowledge to respond to these days - which is really odd, and I can't explain this, but I guess it must be me having dropped the rope and detached.

Yeah that is pretty much that dropping-the-rope feeling!

I feel empowered by the way I have taken my life into my own hands. I am good looking, I have taken control of my life, I have taken control of my struggles (gym, being social, getting life back on track) and I have accomplished all these things, and I feel so good.

Perfect!

I am not attracted to the woman I described above, even though we share so much history. I actually said to myself the other day, that "xxxxx as I knew her, died august 2018, I dont know the woman I am looking at" - and I am just at a place in time, where I believe that to be true.

Yes I can relate to this. Although I will say she is now much more like my W from long ago than she has ever been since BD. For a long time she seemed REALLY alien, but in the last year or so she seems much more like her old self. She's still quite different, but not "as" different. I've always read here that MLC can take 5-10 years to recover from, I never thought my XW was MLC but just a WAS. Maybe the long recovery indicates otherwise though, I'm not really sure.

[Hurt213]

Thank you for the input and thoughts AS.

The weird part about this whole ordeal is not sitting here on my couch by my self. Thats actually quite fine. Kids are sleeping after a great day at their grandparents with easter egg hunting and a nice lunch.

The weird part is doing all of this by my self for the first time. I have these conflicting feelings of her missing out on something that her children really had a blast doing - and thats really what it is, because its just emotions. Logically, I am well aware of why she is not participating, and thats fine. Just getting it down on "paper" here .

I am beat to say the least. My parents love their grandchildren a lot, but aren't exactly poster material when it comes to helping out. Basically they dont exactly "volunteer" to help with the children, and then from time to time, they will make some comment about how much they "take care" of the kids. My sister and I have long given up on that conversation. It just means, that on a day like this, I am all alone feeding, watching, playing and taking care of a 2 and 5 year old, meanwhile I am expected to be interacting in the social setting on par with the rest of them (who by the way are all in relationships, so they can take turns to take care of the kids, and being social at the table) - thats a bit draining, but yea, it is what it is.

I could talk, but my parents or well my mom is, stubborn and only has one perspective on life, her own. My dad, well he is conflict shy, and just pleases my mom, so it wouldn't fly, ever.

Heading to bed soon thats for sure .

[Hurt213]

A bit of journaling:

So easter vacation is coming to an end - We have been following our normal parental-schedule, so I got the kids on friday, and have been spending the weekend doing things around the house, so we can get every last penny out of the coming sale (No, she doesnt have to pull the entire load, the D is happening, and I have embraced the fact that it is, so I have no problems with doing some of the "manly" maintenance stuff around the house in order for a higher market value).

Today I finished up the final maintenance stuff early in the morning, so that me and the kids could just have a day with nothing but US time. We went to the zoo and had a great day with lots of laughs. Kids are just relaxing on the couch after a bath, and will be ready for bed soon.

I was going through some folders with shared paperwork yesterday, when my kids were sleeping, and was dividing it into me and ex folders. I came across a bunch of birthday cards, and I just realized how far down the rabbit hole I was with my depression. I had taken an A4 piece of paper, and wrote "Dear "ex". Happy 30th birthday. Today is YOUR special day... Love Hurt and D5"

It was actually a gut punch to see that card. I can't undo the past, and thats not what this is about really - I realized by seeing that, how little energy I actually invested into her (I acknowledge that depression is the worst thing that I have ever had to deal with, and I am so glad that I got the help and came out on the other side, sitting here today content and happy for my future to come).

I actually said out loud in the office "Oh my god, no wonder she wasn't happy". I couldn't even muster to buy a proper birthday card, for the person who gifted me two children, and stood by me - at least she did until she didn't anymore .

I blame her for the way she left, but seeing how little I was able to put into the relationship, I perfectly understand how nobody could feel appreciated in it.

I am wiser, I have done my 180s, and I am post depression. I can't wait to find that special person out there, who appreciates me, who wants me, and with whom I can share feelings, thoughts and life as it happens. I hope my ex has found that as well, even though that mind sound bizarre.

Just thoughts passing though my head.

[LH19]

Hey buddy,

We all could have done better. We learn from our mistakes and move forward!

Great posts BTW on other peoples threads.