I'll join the party buddy...you are not alone...very similar stories. My WW called me abusive, controlling all of that. I never ;laid a hand on her and thought my decisions and actions were to make sure our family ended up in the right place for the long term.
Listen to what is said here...work on yourself...get the old you back that made you attractive, not just to your W but to others. We all got away from that, lost who we were and got comfortable. This part [censored]..getting started but you can do it.
Take care of yourself, especially physically. I rediscovered my physique at age 48, my wardrobe changed, I felt better about myself..people noticed and I realized that I could move on alone and start over.
Oh yeah..and most importantly take care of your kids! If she wants to move out...let her go but you go nowhere. You aren't stopping her from getting a FT job.
It [censored] I know this is my Ws second PA in 10 years...wanted to kill myself but I got through it and although it took about 10 months finally let go and let go hard. It wacked her in the head and brought her back around...still a work in progress but it is a start.
We were at D, sep a few times but once the burden was put on her I realized that she was lost.
Stay in touch and post, read, research....and take care of yourself...always!
Last edited by lost8; 04/23/1909:10 PM.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I know the investment of detaching will pay off in the long run EITHER way. I love fitness, it's great to dig back into it. And my kids (5,7 and 8) will be devastated for us to split but they are very sure of my love for them. So while confusing they will be good.
Last night was interesting. My wife got all bent out of shape that I didn't call her that I was coming home early to get one of our kiddos to his Kindergarten meet-and-greet. While what I was doing was buying groceries for the kids that she quite frankly has the time to know and buy during her day.
She asked if I was mad when I got home about the divorce meeting. I said no, I wanted her to be happy.
She kept poking and prodding to see if I was mad. Asked if being on her phone made me mad. Told her she didn't need to run that by me, that was her business. Asked if I was mad that she was watching her own show, I didn't flinch.
This morning when i took the kids to school, I turned to walk away from what used to be a hug and kiss and she screamed out "Love You Daddy..." which she kept saying until I replied. So she is still wanting to keep me around to enjoy her cake.
This is gonna be a tough road. I'm very resentful that she is taking her sweet time to find a full time job so she can afford to divorce me.
This is a good deal for her.
I can't wait to get to the gym today, looking forward to doing a goals board for myself, looking forward to getting for coffee and prayer. With my emotions so wacked out over this, I need Heaven's perspective.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
I know the investment of detaching will pay off in the long run EITHER way. I love fitness, it's great to dig back into it. And my kids (5,7 and 8) will be devastated for us to split but they are very sure of my love for them. So while confusing they will be good.
Last night was interesting. My wife got all bent out of shape that I didn't call her that I was coming home early to get one of our kiddos to his Kindergarten meet-and-greet. While what I was doing was buying groceries for the kids that she quite frankly has the time to know and buy during her day.
She asked if I was mad when I got home about the divorce meeting. I said no, I wanted her to be happy.
She kept poking and prodding to see if I was mad. Asked if being on her phone made me mad. Told her she didn't need to run that by me, that was her business. Asked if I was mad that she was watching her own show, I didn't flinch.
This morning when i took the kids to school, I turned to walk away from what used to be a hug and kiss and she screamed out "Love You Daddy..." which she kept saying until I replied. So she is still wanting to keep me around to enjoy her cake.
This is gonna be a tough road. I'm very resentful that she is taking her sweet time to find a full time job so she can afford to divorce me.
This is a good deal for her.
I can't wait to get to the gym today, looking forward to doing a goals board for myself, looking forward to getting for coffee and prayer. With my emotions so wacked out over this, I need Heaven's perspective.
So many similarities to my sitch! Right down to shouting "love you" as I was leaving for work.
I do not mean to give you false hope, but my SAHM wife also was going to get a job, get an apartment and D me. When I told her the only way we could stay together was through full transparency (BTW, I do not recommend that approach) she started working on her resume in earnest. But the very next day, she came out weepy, saying she didn't want to want to D, that she knew God hated D. I was like you, I remained unflinching in telling her she had to do what made HER happy. If that meant getting a job and leaving me, so be it. She never finished her resume.
Do not assume she will follow through on any of this. Just keep DBing. Great job on not taking her "are you mad" bait. Been there and I know how hard that can be. Listen. Validate.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85 to be honest, I am realizing that I was not a very whole person 13 years ago when we got married. I was (and still struggle) very insecure. This entire process is refining me, teaching me that I can be ok. My counselor said something the other day that hit me right between the eyes.
You'll figure it out.
I don't feel like I can or will, but I'm believing it more every day. And from confirmations from others going through the same things like yourself, and using healthy boundaries and habits, I know I can't lose.
My old marriage is over either way. I have to grieve the dream, and at the end of the day I need to be satisfied with who I am. I am slowly getting there.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
I need some help. Not sure what to do. I let my curiousity get the better of me and looked at our phone records. There is a number that's been sent TMs like crazy in the last 2 days. Not sure who it belongs to and it has my anxiety spiked through the roof. Of course I want to confront or find out who it is.
I mean my marriage is already f****** so GAHHHHH.
Need some encouragement.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Just keep your eyes on your road. Does it change anything with your MR? Or does it change inside you? Itīs about you first man. Control only yourself.
Set some boundaries, relax, donīt reveal sources if you confront her. Donīt use an accusatory stand. Just let her know that you know. By the way...what do you know?
This is a marathon. I know you have been running a long time so...
...time and patience
Keep DB, keep posting.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Never reveal sources of Intel. Never reveal what you know.
You just reveal that you DO KNOW.
"we both know you are lying" goes along way.
Intel is good if you can handle it. Ignore this if you can't handle it.
Go to Walmart and buy a "burner phone". Call the number, put your phone on mute and just listen. It may be male, may be female. It may go to voice mail. They may use a first name. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING. Keep what you learn to yourself (or share here). Do not any under circumstances say anything to your spouse.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Guys. Thanks so much for the feedback. I'm thinking that the texts are actually from a number that my daughter (8years) is back and forth with a friend from school. I can likely look and see if it's there in the morning without being found out.
Pretty broken today. I saw my wife is applying pretty hard for full time jobs since the meeting with the CC. I have said nothing about the meeting or R talk. I can hold off doing that pretty well.
I did look at her call log after our meeting. She talked with her younger sister for a long time but NEVER calls her parents or just her mom. That to me is strange.
My most emotional times now are with the kids knowing we are going to break their hearts that we aren't staying married.
How much does anyone recommend me leveraging a deadline for my wife to file? I'm not trying to be divorced but she left her decision to leave so open ended - until she gets a good FT job. She literally said it could be a month it could be a year. Not sure how long I could do this, I certainly could with my kids in mind, but if you don't want me then let's move forward.
I know this gives me more time to DB, which I am just scratching the surface with. She must be in shock that I am not telling her I love her, talking about the future, talking about figuring it out or anything.
I wish I was further along with confidence, or at least not in so much limbo.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Forgot to mention. She is still wearing her wedding ring.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
