I am in the situation of having received the ILYBNILWY in January after noticing distance and asking. I took notice of the list of deficiencies in my behavior (blame shifting?) and turned on my heel and have made changes. She recognizes this and says she "cant give me reassurances" and that she is "suffocating and needs space". I was mostly keeping it cool for a couple of months, but in March I had a bad few days, fell apart with anxiety and insecurity, and we ended up sleeping in separate rooms for a couple of weeks after she demanded space. Following this, we had a false start at MC when the counselor gave up in the second week. We had enrolled in individual counseling at the same time. I tried to find a new MC but it was met with resistance because she wanted to continue individual sessions for a while first.
It seemed that while things were unraveling things were also normal. She said she wanted to work on it and was still kind of tender at times but distant at times too. Sex is banned and I'm back in the bedroom "with that boundary". It seems her individual counselor is digging up new resentments and things just seem worse. I've been detaching but I think it might be backfiring.
In the background, I'm 95% sure there is an EA with a coworker that probably got hot in December. When asked, this was denied and blame shifting seems to occur. I don't want to snoop and be consumed with it, but any space I create, he is just going to fill.
How do I balance "I want to work on it" and some affection and normalcy before I started to withdraw myself with the now very cold feeling now that I'm withdrawing? Is 180 overkill right now if at least on the surface she seems to want to fix things? When last asked if she's ready to just end it, she said "no we are not ending anything" but she feels checked out since I started 180.
Also, I have not yet read DR, since we share a bank account I need to find a way to get my hands on it. The list was recommended to me by a therapist.
Last edited by oops13; 04/24/1902:30 PM.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Weve been together for 11 years, married most of them. No children. The reason I think she wants to work on it is that she's mentioned counseling and has said a few times that she wants to work on it and hopes we can fix us through counseling. Unfortunately, these were just words, and all this was said before we had the weird MC situation where he pretty much just said "give her space, no more sessions from me for now".
I don't want to say too much about the EA, other than she has shut me out and opened up to him. There has been some trickle truth I suppose in the past to get me to bless it, but I know something is up. No doubt in my mind. I doubt it's physical, the guy has too much to lose IMO.
We also have a very storied past. We weathered a LOT of hardship together early on, so much so that we never had a true romance, if you will. I was her rock for a long time. It took its toll on me.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
I am in the situation of having received the ILYBNILWY in January after noticing distance and asking. I took notice of the list of deficiencies in my behavior (blame shifting?) and turned on my heel and have made changes. She recognizes this and says she "cant give me reassurances" and that she is "suffocating and needs space". I was mostly keeping it cool for a couple of months, but in March I had a bad few days, fell apart with anxiety and insecurity, and we ended up sleeping in separate rooms for a couple of weeks after she demanded space. Following this, we had a false start at MC when the counselor gave up in the second week. We had enrolled in individual counseling at the same time. I tried to find a new MC but it was met with resistance because she wanted to continue individual sessions for a while first.
It seemed that while things were unraveling things were also normal. She said she wanted to work on it and was still kind of tender at times but distant at times too. Sex is banned and I'm back in the bedroom "with that boundary". It seems her individual counselor is digging up new resentments and things just seem worse. I've been detaching but I think it might be backfiring.
In the background, I'm 95% sure there is an EA with a coworker that probably got hot in December. When asked, this was denied and blame shifting seems to occur. I don't want to snoop and be consumed with it, but any space I create, he is just going to fill.
How do I balance "I want to work on it" and some affection and normalcy before I started to withdraw myself with the now very cold feeling now that I'm withdrawing? Is 180 overkill right now if at least on the surface she seems to want to fix things? When last asked if she's ready to just end it, she said "no we are not ending anything" but she feels checked out since I started 180.
Also, I have not yet read DR, since we share a bank account I need to find a way to get my hands on it. The list was recommended to me by a therapist.
So oops, right off the bat I feel that you are confused about a few concepts. Please read all of cadet's links, because it helps clarify. But based on your initial post here are some things that might help:
180s are about YOU improving and growing. You "180" on bad behaviors that contributed to your current situation. None of us are perfect. Heck, read my threads and you'll see I was a complete jerk for many years leading up to my W's EA and wanting a D. So 180s are FOR YOU. If she sees and likes the changes, great. But you need to become a better person for you and your future new relationship (because your old one is dead), whether that is with her or someone else.
Loving detachment is not cold. If you are being cold and withdrawn then you are doing it wrong. Detachment is being present, pleased, upbeat. You are confident and secure in YOURSELF, regardless of your sitch. But most of all, you no longer REACT emotionally to her words and actions. (This is where validation comes in, please read the validation thread.) You listen, and validate. You do not react. You do not get upset. You do get sad. She could tell you she had a gangbang with 100 men, and it would roll off your back like water off a duck. Detachment is hard. Work at it, but don't expect perfection out of the gate. Those that do detachment well are always amazed at the results.
I see nothing about GAL. You seem to be sitting home hanging on her every word and action. STOP IT. Get out and Get A Life. Be as busy as you can be. If you have kids, every minute you are not with them you are busy. Learn new things. Renew old (same sex!) friendships. Pick up forgotten and abandoned hobbies. Stay active. Work out. But do not sit and stew. And certainly stop following her around like a puppy dog.
Your #1 goal right now is to remove ALL pressure and pursuit. She has asked for space, give it to her. That doesn't mean leaving the house or the MBR. Certainly she is welcome to if she wants to, you couldn't stop her if you wanted to. But in absence of physical space (though if you GAL that will happen naturally), give her emotional and mental space. DO NOT INITIATE R TALKS!! If she does, listen and validate. Before you do anything ask yourself if that actions will apply pressure or seem like pursuit to her. If yes, then don't do it.
Above all, there is no magic bullet. You are not going to fix this with one statement verbally, or with one action. You need to detach, GAL and 180 (please please read DR!), and give it TIME! And when we say time we do not mean hours...days....weeks....months. There is no deadline on this. Just keep DBing, and giving her space and let time hopefully bring her to her senses.
Also, remember, you are going to be okay. No matter what happens. Once you realize that there is life after no matter what happens between the two of you, you will be in a much better and happier and healthier place. No one should ever depend on another person for their happiness. Even your spouse.
Hang in there. You will survive.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We have a big saying around here. ACTIONS not words. She’s definitely not working on it and you can’t reconnect while she is opening up to another man.
If she wants space give her space! Give her more space then she will ever imagine. Right now the other dude is meeting her emotional needs while you are doing all the husbandly duties minus the sex. Not a good place to right now. How can we change the dynamics?
Are you currently in super husband mode and doing all the chores, cleaning shopping? If so this needs to stop.
This chump at work I assume is married with children?
Thank you Steve. I actually have been GAL. Spending time with friends, on hobbies, etc. I've always been pretty independent, actually, so I'm just kind of returning to that and then some (more social things). I have a lot of great friends and family, and I'm in the best shape I've been in in a decade now.
I see what you mean about the detachment. I haven't exactly been cold, but I could be a bit more fun, certainly.
My dilemma right now is how to handle this EA. She might not know it's an EA. My conception of it from what I can gather without snooping is that they have long talks/texting sessions and just talk about everything under the sun in a very carefree fun and flirty way. This is partly from just watching her. Shes glued to the phone and always looks happy. Shes basically done deeply/excitedly talking to me about her life and interests and instead does so with him. They also work out together.
From what I can tell, Sandi has different advice for WW vs WAW. I think this kind of started as a WAW and the EA turned a tinderbox into a fire. So her issues with me were rooted in truth, and I needed to change, but she's now using it as rocket fuel and getting her needs met from him.
Going to try to get my hands on DR as well for now.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
My dilemma right now is how to handle this EA. She might not know it's an EA. My conception of it from what I can gather without snooping is that they have long talks/texting sessions and just talk about everything under the sun in a very carefree fun and flirty way. This is partly from just watching her. Shes glued to the phone and always looks happy. Shes basically done deeply/excitedly talking to me about her life and interests and instead does so with him. They also work out together.
Is handling the EA pressure and pursuit? Or is it giving her space? That answers your question. Control what you can control and she ain't it. Even if you confront she'll just go deeper undercover. So focus on GAL, 180s, and detachment.
Sometimes in DBing the best thing to do is nothing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Oh, and in my W's first EA in 2005, I knew something was going on but I didn't know what. After finding DBing I started to 180 on my bad behaviors. She actually resented that. She told her AP and some friends she confided in "I am finally happy and NOW he is trying!" But this is why you focus on YOU for DBing. Do not DB trying to change or control her with it. It will backfire everytime.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry to highjack the thread for a sec. So, Steve, my H is no longer living at home, lives with OW. He came to the house over the weekend, brought OW. She at least didn't come in. I didn't say anything since I was so surprised at the moment. Are you saying to not say anything to him about it? Just basically that it is disrespectful. Is that pressure and pursuit?
Married- 1y8m Together- 7.5y M- 37 H- 31 S- 4 months not wanting to work on things bomb- 4/15/18 left home- 5/5/18 Moved in with OW a week after leaving
