I am turning my focus to GAL. Yesterday H invited me to watch a game with him and our son. I waited for some time, but eventually joined them. H and I were cordial to one another for the rest of the evening. This is hard because our conversations quickly return to "normal", just everyday partner talk. I am trying to detach, but old habits die hard. I am a work in progress! As soon as I start to have some of those old loving feelings towards my spouse I am reminded of what he did, what he is doing.
One thing he said to me yesterday was that he thinks I am moving on, and that he thinks it's a good thing. This speaks volumes to me. He wants me to be ok, he wants me to move on, so he can. I feel as if it is time that he move out, even though it is the last thing I want. Perhaps he will realize what he is missing out on. Perhaps not.
I will not focus on the mistakes I have made, just move forward. For now, as to keep the peace in our home, I will continue with LRT and GAL. I am not ready to go dark, yet. I will read, read, and read DB. The more detached I become, the more interest he shows. Who knows..... I am not going to look to deeply into it, just take it as it comes, day by day.
I started to make plans with friends, joined a gym, and put on a happy face. I told him I was going to a friends to visit for a few days. He seemed annoyed, but told me to have fun. I wasn't on the road for an hour and he began texting me. He texted me throughout my trip and I replied with short responses, and not immediately as I normally do.
Good. Keep up these sort of activities, and yes his reaction was normal. He is up to shady behavior and like all men engaging in affairs it has made him hyper paranoid that you are up to the same.
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BOOM! I found an email that confirmed my biggest fear. The email described that he would be out of the office traveling. This was the same day I left for my friend's house. He told me he was working on that day, so now I know he was with her. I remember him spending an awful long time getting ready that morning, which leads me to believe that this relationship has turned physical. It is probably not the first time.
Yes you are more than likely correct, and you are also probably correct that it wasn't the first time. Of course he lied about it, he's a lying cheater and that's exactly what they do. Expect lies on top of lies, and also expect lies about anything and everything, even really minor stuff.
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The other part of me wants to tell him I can't continue to be his friend as he is involved with someone else, it hurts too much. That our relationship deserves to be treated with respect. That I love him enough to let him go.....
Listen to that part of yourself. That should be your attitude, as long as he is going to engage in nefarious behavior and lie to your face about it then you want nothing to do with him. You are high value and he is not. Lying cheaters are a dime a dozen. High quality, faithful people are not. If he wants you back he needs to show it through some pretty serious actions.
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I feel if H wanted to work things out with me he would be making an effort. If he truly wanted to work on our marriage he would be begging for my forgiveness.
EXACTLY. But first he has to hit rock bottom, and that might take a while.
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I am also becoming concerned about my husband's habits. He is a recovering addict. He has been drinking more and more lately, and I have found hidden beer cans around. He is chewing tobacco and nicotine gum. His computer history shows that he haas been watching porn as well. These habits are all very familiar to me and I fear he is spiraling. We have been here before. Last time it lead to pain med abuse and he lost his job. I stood by and supporting him through his recovery and he told me I saved his life. I almost feel as if the affair is related to his addictions. The feeling he gets from the affair is feeding his addictive personality.
That could very well be true. Is he in IC? He needs to be.
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I am not going to confront him at this point because I think it will only bring conflict and make matters worse. I have considered contacting his sponsor as he is also a friend.
So normally we say not to talk to friends and family because the WAS will see that as "rallying the troops against them". However, if you think he's in danger then that would be a case where you should set your DB'ing aside for a while and try to get him help however you can. If you do talk to the sponsor then stress you are not looking for help to save the M, you are just contacting him because you are concerned about your H's health.
Thank you AnotherStander! I appreciate your support and guidance.
I struggle each day. This is not the man I have known for the last 28 years. I'm sad, but really angry that he has destroyed our future. We were financially stable for the first time in our marriage, we had plans for our family and our future. I can't be his friend, I can't even look at him at the moment.
He is definitely worried about my whereabouts and actions. He keeps bringing up things I've posted on social media. He asked why I put my phone down so quickly as he entered the room. "Did I sit in the bar or restaurant while I was out with friends?" So I know it is bothering him, but I don't understand why, when he doesn't seem to care.
He literally just called me as I typed this...... "just checking in, making sure we didn't need anything. How was your day....." I was calm and polite, not exactly friendly, and told him my day was "great". I'm not even sure I asked him about his.
I'm not sure how to act towards him for the next few weeks as we figure out living arrangements. I am staying busy, GAL. I could use some advice on how to proceed. I guess I am wondering, do I try to continue with LRT, or am I really in the after LR stage?
* I think it is ironic as I just remembered that his parents separated for a year after 25 yrs of marriage. They reconciled and have been together for an additional 30+ years. Their marriage is not great, but they chose to fight to save it. This is not giving me hope- just wonder if it plays a role into my husband's thinking and actions.
H came into my room last night to say that I seemed different. I replied with "I'm not sure what you mean?" He said I don't know how to explain it, things just seem different. He went on to say that the day before I was watching the game with him, and now it's just different, and went on trying to describe what he meant. His face was flushed and he was obviously flustered. he struggled with what to say. I just responded with "I'm just doing my thing". He said a quick ok, and left the room.
I can see that he is unnerved, but I am not reading into it. I will say that I felt good about it, not in a vengeful way, just relaxed and happy for the first time in a long time.
H came into my room last night to say that I seemed different. I replied with "I'm not sure what you mean?" He said I don't know how to explain it, things just seem different. He went on to say that the day before I was watching the game with him, and now it's just different, and went on trying to describe what he meant. His face was flushed and he was obviously flustered. he struggled with what to say. I just responded with "I'm just doing my thing". He said a quick ok, and left the room.
I can see that he is unnerved, but I am not reading into it. I will say that I felt good about it, not in a vengeful way, just relaxed and happy for the first time in a long time.
Most WASs do not respond well to the LBS detaching well. They feel a loss control. They don't like it. My wife would constantly ask what is wrong. Nothing, why? Was always my response.
Keep it up!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
H just came in the room to tell me about his day. Then the conversation turned. He said he is confused. That I am hot and cold. We are on a rollercoaster. He said, "A few days ago I thought I was going to have to find an apartment, and then that night we sat on the couch together and you even touched my foot at one point, and then the next day, poof, you were off doing your own thing."
He said he understands and I have every right to feel and act this way. He went on.... I did my best not to engage in the R conversation. I responded with lots of, "I understand why you feel that way." As I got up to walk away he asked if I had anything to say, what did I want? I simply responded with you know what I want. I probably should have kept my mouth shut, because he does know....
He continued to say things are so up and down, they seem like they are good, then I go cold. He said he wishes I would either be angry, or ok and things could be good. But he understands, I have every right.....But we can not sustain this.
He talked about taking out $ from retirement to find a place if he had to (I will not let that happen). I did not respond. He said that we have to figure out what we are going to do. I gave a simple ok response and walked away. He was clearly annoyed with my lack of responses and that I did not engage in the conversation. He is storming around the house a bit.
I feel like he is annoyed that I am not acting as his wife any more, that he can't have his cake and eat it too. I never thought I'd be here, as none of us do, and I hope I am doing the right things. It's so hard to not let emotions and instinct take over.
He talked about taking out $ from retirement to find a place if he had to (I will not let that happen). I did not respond. He said that we have to figure out what we are going to do. I gave a simple ok response and walked away. He was clearly annoyed with my lack of responses and that I did not engage in the conversation. He is storming around the house a bit.
You got his attention. That is often an outcome of DBing. WAHs are especially upset about losing control over their LBWs. While I see that with WAWs too, WAHs often react very much like this. Upset, pouty, storming around. Men can be big kids when they do not get their way. You are doing the right thing. He needs to know you can and will move on.
On the retirement savings thing, if it comes to that, let him. But only up to 50% of the savings and then document it. If you two were to D, those savings would get split down the middle anyway. So if he pushes on it just make sure your half is protected.
Last edited by Steve85; 04/24/1905:45 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m so sorry to see you here on this forum. I’m Living, Ready2Change referenced my thread above. I’m sending you lot’s of hugs because what you’re going through is agonizing.
I’m no expert but I totally relate to your story.
I feel like I could have written some of the same things about my H that you wrote about yours. I don’t want to hurt you more than you’re already hurting but I want you to be prepared for what may begin to happen. Trust me, our stories sound so similar so I know what you’re going through.
Your H isn’t stable. He’s no longer capable of being the man that you’ve been married to for 28 years. You probably look at him and think he’s a total stranger now. And in essence he is. He will lie and manipulate so that things can workout in his favor. He may also come up with justifications for his bad behavior.
Buckle up and get ready for a wild ride. Things are probably going to get worse before they get better (if they ever get better with your H). The only person your H is concerned with is himself. He no longer has your best interest at heart.
Right now you feel your entire world is crashing down. Your mind probably races all day. You may even feel like you’re going crazy. This is tough stuff! The best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of you. You can no longer depend on your H. Again, he’s not the same person as he was. No matter how hard it is, you have to face that fact. It’s hard, trust me I know!
Please also realize this isn’t about you or another woman, this is all about your H. Any AP is just a symptom of a bigger problem that lies within your husband. There is nothing you did to warrant him going out and getting involved with another woman. You did nothing to deserve that. Please believe that. He made that “choice” as a grown man. No matter what was going on in your marriage, that’s no excuse to go have an affair.
You’re on a roller coaster ride but you don’t have to stay on that ride.You don’t have to put up with ANYTHING that you don’t want to put up with. You get to choose how a person treats you. I know it hurts and that it’s hard because you love him. You had no preparation for this.
Your H doesn’t know what he wants. He will say one thing one day and the next day he will say something different. My H’s story has changed so much I’ve lost count. Don’t take anything that he says at face value.
Be kind to yourself, this is going to be one of the hardest things you’ll likely go through. Take one day at a time. Yes you will have to set some boundaries. Those boundaries are to protect you from your husbands erratic behavior.
Lastly, keep posting here. You’ll get lots of help from the vets. These guys and gals have helped me tremendously. I wouldn’t be where I’m at in my sitch if it were not for them. I’m not perfect and I still make mistakes in my own sitch. I still fall down. However, I get up, dust myself off, and continue on with my journey. You’ll make mistakes as well. You’ll get advice here that you won’t lisgen to. It’s all apart of the process. Over time, you’ll get better at DB. Just keep moving forward.
Again, sending you lots of hugs. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Steve85, Thank you for the advice on the $. I don't think he has given a single thought as to what will be involved if/when he moves out. He is simply looking to escape. The logistics of it all hasn't even crossed his mind. I think he thinks we will still share a bank account and pay the bills, etc.
I know I got his attention. He's curious as to what I am doing, asking ?'s. And lots of replies of "good for you." He is a bit more distant today, but I guess that is to be expected.
