Boundaries are something I definitely need to work on. In the past H has read my boundaries as an ultimatum, which tells me I did not implement them correctly.
HB_Wife, I will be following you as well. Best of luck to you in your journey.
I am having trouble detaching. I understand every situation is different, and we have to figure out what works, but I am torn.
GAL is getting my H's attention. At times it brings him closer to me, at times it irritates him. Both are ok, I think. Living under the same roof and detaching is HARD! Our day to day interactions are pleasant. We have fallen into our normal morning routine- drinking coffee, watching the news, chatting. Although it feels nice, I do not want to be my H's friend, I want to be his W.
Yesterday I went out for the day. After H left for the gym to teach class, I went to my gym. Then I went and shopped for several hours. I bought new gym clothes. I purchased new undergarments at a specialty store and was sure to use our joint account to pay. Maybe a little manipulative, but I want him wondering what I am up to, I want to remain a mystery.
When I came home he had left for baseball practice. Perfect. I was sure he was wondering where I was. When he came come he asked me about my day, what did I do? I simple responded with, "I had a great day, lots of running around and getting stuff done." He explained that he came home and I wasn't here, so he left for practice early. I kept busy in the house, not really ignoring him, but changing sheets, doing laundry, cleaning, etc. Looking busy. I had to walk past him many times and I could feel tension. I didn't initiate any convo, but tried to remain upbeat, singing, etc. For the first week I stopped buying his groceries. He was annoyed that he didn't have any snacks for the game. Of course, he was clearly annoyed that I was not giving him attention. I feel like saying- "go get the attention from OW....Let her buy your groceries- buy your own!" But I keep my mouth shut, smile and move on.
This morning things are tense. H came up and made coffee, asked about my plans for the day. I asked about his, "sounds like fun.... blah blah" He sat to watch the news with me. After several minutes of quiet tension, we both got up and left the room. H mumbled something about interrupting my peace and quiet and he should just go downstairs.
Detaching feels terrible. I've read the thread a few times, yet still I struggle. Of course, sitting around talking, eating meals together, sharing about our day, etc. feels great. We have both fallen into the trap of forgetting what is going on, and then reality slaps you in the face. It almost feels like progress, but I think it is only giving me a false sense of hope.
This week H has done some nice things. He brought me home dinner, has been putting my creamer and coffee cup out for me in the am (so silly, I know), texted me to check in when we had some crazy weather, calling me, etc. He was finding ways to stand a little closer to me, where just a few days ago he would step out of my way. But I can't fall into this trap. I can't pick up those crumbs. I have to remind myself that he is still involved with OW and I deserve more.
As I try to detach, it doesn't feel right because I feel him withdrawing. But, maybe that is a good thing. Perhaps he needs to sit and sulk and realize what his life will be without me. I don't want to send mixed signals, sitting and having dinner together in one moment to being scarce in the next. I need to decide either sit back and wait it out, or detach. I am worried that detaching is only pushing him out the door, but I need to remember that I've already lost him..... he already has one foot out.
I totally understand how you feel.. that feeling of being together one moment and then trying to be detached the next. It's hard to do when living together. I'm sure someone will chime in and help clarify on what to do.
I worry that I detached too much. The tension this morning felt terrible. H left this morning with giving little details of his plans and has not returned as of yet. He seemed despondent as he left, I almost felt bad. I think he is trying to give me a "taste of my own medicine". He was clearly upset my my absence yesterday, therefore he will leave and refuse to contact me all day. Like a temper tantrum.
He is content when we are getting along. He begins to feel comfortable. Feeling uncomfortable is making him want to flee and avoid. We are best friends, it feels great to spend time together and get along, yet I cannot be his friend when he is with OW.
Still a little awkward this morning. Typical morning talk, but I could feel the awkwardness between us. I stayed upbeat, left the convo first, getting ready for work early.
H complimented me for the first time in weeks. I know....I know.... but I will take it for what it is. He told me, "good choice on the outfit today, you look nice." I responded with a quick thank you. And I do look good. The dress I am wearing hugs me in all the right places, showing off my hard work at the gym. I'm not reading into it, but he hasn't complimented me in months- and I've worn this dress recently. He questioned if I had anything special going on, why the dress? I replied with a nope and wish I had left it at that, but I felt the need to say something about sometimes it's easier to just throw on a dress. He continued to ask, why is it easier than pants? I explained myself. I really wish I had just stopped, but I am learning......By the way- I wear dresses at least once a week to work- why is he just noticing now?
I have a feeling H is going to tell me he is moving out soon. There have been a few times when he stops and stares off, like he is getting ready to say something. I am pretty sure he wants to leave, he just doesn't have the guts to say it yet.
I could use come help in my response. I was thinking something like: H- I think it is time for me to get my own apartment. We can't sustain living like this. W- I can see why you feel that way. Do you have any idea when you're going to do that? Knowing would help me plan.
I don't want H to leave, but as long as he is involved with OW, I don't want him here. It's been 10 weeks since BD, but only 10 days of trying to LRT and GAL. I feel like I am seeing a little progress, but I don't know how long I can stay on this roller coaster.
I could use some help in my response. I was thinking something like: H- I think it is time for me to get my own apartment. We can't sustain living like this. W- I can see why you feel that way. Do you have any idea when you're going to do that? Knowing would help me plan.
H:"W, bla bla bla I want to move out bla bla bla" W:"I am sorry you feel that way."
H:W, bla bla bla we can't sustain livling like this bla bla " W:"I agree. This is no way to live"
W"I see many solutions to our problems. If that is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way"
Last edited by Ready2Change; 04/29/1907:21 PM.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I could use some help in my response. I was thinking something like: H- I think it is time for me to get my own apartment. We can't sustain living like this. W- I can see why you feel that way. Do you have any idea when you're going to do that? Knowing would help me plan.
H:"W, bla bla bla I want to move out bla bla bla" W:"I am sorry you feel that way."
H:W, bla bla bla we can't sustain livling like this bla bla " W:"I agree. This is no way to live"
W"I see many solutions to our problems. If that is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way"
Thank you R2C. The last quote speaks much more to the way I feel. I will keep this in my back pocket to be ready when the time comes.
H is very distant and cold today. Not sure how to read into it. Or if I should even waste my time thinking about it. Almost wondering if something is going on with OW. Today was the first day he did not go to the gym in weeks. This is where they usually see each other. I'm not reading into it. Something just seems off, he's very down and cranky. I will just continue to GAL and be my pleasant, happy self
Something is different..... Trying not to read into it, but something is definitely off.
H is still distant and quiet for the most part. Distracted. He is talking to me with normal day to day discussions one moment, and cold the next. Strange little things. He was even irritated and short with the dog last night. He definitely wanted to be alone.
Yesterday H texted me to tell me about an issue with his new tires. He ended the long text with an FYI. I replied with a "sorry about that, that stinks." He could have easily told me about it when I got home, just temp checking? Or he just needed to vent....
I called home on my way to the gym expecting my S to answer, but H did (he's never home at this time). He was cold at first, but then went on to explain his tire dilemma. He asked if I was going to the gym, then said have fun and hung up. When I got home he had cleaned the house, made dinner, and skipped the gym. He NEVER skips the gym. He stayed downstairs in his "room" all night power watching a series. He came up a few times throughout the night- sometimes chatty, sometimes cold.
He was on the couch almost cuddling the dog when I got up this morning. So, either he felt bad about last night, or he is thinking about how hard it will be to leave the dog. As silly as it sounds I have noticed in the past few weeks he will make comments about the dog and how the dog doesn't love him as much as he used to, he only hangs around him when he has food, etc. H loves this dog. He is our baby. I think he is trying to detach from him so it won't hurt when he leaves.
He left the door open to the bathroom as he got ready this morning - something that used to be routine, but not for the last few months. He left for work with a quick goodbye, but had to come back because he forgot his phone. That never happens! How will he contact OW without it?!
Normally I would press and ask him what was wrong, or respond in the same cold manner. But, I will continue to 180 and GAL. Obviously, still working on the detaching thing.... This is so hard.
