A Real Mess

[ovrrnbw]

Si,

you should read my threads. Click my name and hit show forum posts.

You also remind of a friend of mine on here, read his threads: [url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=40184][/url]
He never let go of her for more than a day or two, never stopped pursuing and had a very long separation like yours.

Detaching and doing your own thing is a great start. But you need to jump off the teeter totter with her. If she is ever ready to commit, you have to slow play it. She will show you how serious she is over the course of time and try to show you she is serious. This was one of my mistakes.

[Ready2Change]

.....Having to hide while crying so they don't ask why. If they do I tell them it's because I love them.

Tell them "I am crying because I am sad." IF they ask why you are sad, "We are emotional beings. Somethings just make us sad and we need to cry to feel better"

My wife emotionally separated from me 18 months ago.

It is critical that you are an emotional rock when you are around W. You are a man and in control of your emotions. This is attractive to the ladies.

[si13]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I really appreciate it.

I need some help from a MASTER INVESTIGATOR.

I suspect my wife has reached out to her AP from last year. I saw an odd number called over the weekend from her phone records. It only happens 5 times over the course of 2 days BUT they only last 1 minute which make me think they have connected through some other calling app.

When I was able to get ahold of her phone this morning before I left for work, the calls were not listed in the log. Not sure if the phone would dial itself (right) or if she erased them. The last time they were communicating they had made up undercover FB pages to call by messenger that way. She hasn't been overly secretive with her phone - I was able to look at it this morning.

Anyone who is a brilliant detective. What other things should I be looking for?

[Wanted1]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I really appreciate it.

I need some help from a MASTER INVESTIGATOR.

I suspect my wife has reached out to her AP from last year. I saw an odd number called over the weekend from her phone records. It only happens 5 times over the course of 2 days BUT they only last 1 minute which make me think they have connected through some other calling app.

When I was able to get ahold of her phone this morning before I left for work, the calls were not listed in the log. Not sure if the phone would dial itself (right) or if she erased them. The last time they were communicating they had made up undercover FB pages to call by messenger that way. She hasn't been overly secretive with her phone - I was able to look at it this morning.

Anyone who is a brilliant detective. What other things should I be looking for?

Google the number. You can usually do a reverse address lookup (by phone number) and get the name and address of the person who's listed under said number. I think I paid $1-$2 and then immediately cancelled the monthly subscription they make you sign up for. There were numerous providers for this information if I remember correctly. It took me about 3 minutes to find the name on the phone number who my exWW was contacting. I was 99.9% sure who's number it was so I did it for 100% confirmation. My opinion is the internet has probably caused cheating/As to increase tenfold in the past 20 years. It's just too easy to contact/communicate with people in this day and age and the ease at which it can happen with the numerous avenues of doing so without it being so blatantly out in the open makes it so much easier for these people to fall into "the trap." Those aren't excuses for waywards at all, just reality and possibly human nature to some extent.

On the flip side, the internet, and technology in general, also provides us with many ways in which to investigate and uncover the truth, too. Hell, I was able to track my exWW's vehicle with the maker's app to determine it's location and went as far as looking back through my security camera footage to pinpoint and uncover a "meetup" she had with the AP. She thought she was being sneaky by meeting him a block away from my house one time when I was gone. Told me she was going to X. The security camera, when I was able to zoom in, clearly showed her turning the exact opposite direction of where she was "suppose" to be going! :-)

[ovrrnbw]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I really appreciate it.

I need some help from a MASTER INVESTIGATOR.

I suspect my wife has reached out to her AP from last year. I saw an odd number called over the weekend from her phone records. It only happens 5 times over the course of 2 days BUT they only last 1 minute which make me think they have connected through some other calling app.

When I was able to get ahold of her phone this morning before I left for work, the calls were not listed in the log. Not sure if the phone would dial itself (right) or if she erased them. The last time they were communicating they had made up undercover FB pages to call by messenger that way. She hasn't been overly secretive with her phone - I was able to look at it this morning.

Anyone who is a brilliant detective. What other things should I be looking for?

Forget about her. Why play detective? You already know. So let go quit talking quit trying quit pursuing quit looking weak and go make your life the best it possibly can be. What is it going to do for you if you know she's still cheating? You gonna bail out and file for D? She's not telling you she wants to fix things right?

[IHCLACS]

If you still want to go there with the investigating... try to get access to the cell phone account through the carrier, and you can go through the list of numbers that way. As far as sneaking around with apps and stuff like that. If you can try to go into the Google account search history and settings, if she has a laptop around the house, there should be a setting where you can get the password information for all logins if she cached them. You can even find hotel reservations if it's done electronically. Google links multiple devices like laptops and cell phones as well concerning emails, app usage, search history, passwords for apps, maps histories, place has been places, searched. There are also ways to Ping her device or her phone and get her locations in current real time. Just make sure you turn the notifications off on her phone because when you ping her a notification will come up that's Google device has been found and pinged. Find device app can do this.

Let me ask you something is going to really do you any good to know who it is? As long as you have a good idea and efficient amount of evidence that she's definitely cheating. As long as you know and develop patterns. That's really all you need to know. Trust all of us on this it's going to make you mentally and physically sick. Keep tabs on occasion and drop it for a while, otherwise it's going to consume you. You probably want to keep more of an eye on where she's moving, and if she's doing any legal research related to child support, child custody, divorce, mediation, etc. Put your heart and your relationship aside because it's dead. Stay 20 moves ahead on her in the legal game do your research have your consultations and keep tabs on where she is at with that. You have to protect you and your children first. Drop the rope and have some self-respect as an individual. You are not the one cheating she is. Your happiness your contention your values and your self-esteem does not come from your wife. Understand!? Try to balance your emotions bwtween yourself, who you right now, who you want to become, and who your W currently is. Be aware of this because it's very easy to lose your sense of self of Who You Are.

If you need any help assistance or technical tips send the questions I'll answer the best I can.

[IHCLACS]

Ovrrnbw. I understand why si13 is doing it. Although we all know here from experience it doesn't do any good for ourselves. Not healthy, and could potentially cause a nervous breakdown. Confirmation and soild evidence is enough. Confirm it and move on with your life. It's unimportant who the person is where they live what their phone number is. The WW is going to do what they want to do anyway. It's enough to verify and it's also enough can you use possibly in a court depending on the circumstance when filing for D. Depends on how it's obtained and whether it's violates privacy issues. Has to be in a public setting though, or you have to have legal access to records.

We all have so much attachment of our identity to our spouses is that we forget who we are and forget to self differentiate our values and beliefs. Self Differention as Steve85 calls it. The reality of it is as everyone has their own learning curves emotional time and space and realization of things to gain clarity. But it's the truth. The sooner we focus on ourselves the more into Clarity we get of who we are as individuals, and that's how we get our mojo back, and make ourselves attractive come hell or high water D or R.
,

[si13]

Y'all are right. When she was having the affair I was pretty heavily sedated on anti-anxiety.

I will just confirm and then let that all go. It doesn't matter at this point and I need to stand on my own 2 feet. I am getting my ducks in a row, not believing what she says or does.

I appreciate the feedback SO much.

[AnotherStander]

si, most of us really beat ourselves up with trying to figure out if our W is having an A, how bad it is, how often, is it physical, etc. etc. The best thing I ever did for my own welfare and recovery was assume the worst, and then let it go. I mean here's the thing, you've been fired as H and if she's not already sleeping with someone else then she is consumed with the idea of it. She doesn't like you and may even hate you. She might find you repulsive right now. Yes it's that bad, the scenario is literally the worst thing you can dream up. So how do you change her mind? YOU CAN'T, SO DON'T TRY. That is how she feels right now, and probably will for a long time to come. In her mind if she sleeps with someone it is A) none of your business and B) not an affair. Wait what? Yes that's right, she no longer considers herself married except on some bothersome piece of paper in a filing cabinet somewhere. So (in her mind) sex with someone else isn't an "affair", it's just her moving on. There's a "rationalization hamster" running full speed in her head and no matter what you say or do it will spin away.

So you leave her to it. You get out. You GAL. You quit concerning yourself with who she's going out with, texting, emailing, thinking about. You get about the business of making yourself a manly man again, one that realizes he has far more value than to let some lying cheater tie him behind her car and drag him around on the ground.

You do that while at the same time she's exploring her GGW life. Somewhere down the road, she realizes GGW is a moral and emotional dead end. And she looks back. She should see a strong, stable, solid hunk of a man who no longer cares if she is looking or not. THAT is what may attract her back. And if it doesn't, you will have moved on anyway.

The thing about DB'ing is it makes you whole again. Whether you reconcile or not, you win. You will be better, stronger, healthier, more confident. You'll get there, just be patient.

[lurch05]

You are absolutely right on this. Word for word what my W said to me when I discovered the OM (kid is more like it). And his advice is spot on bullseye. Drove me absolutely insane the first 2 months after S. It wasnt until I GAL and stopped caring about what she was doing that I was able to find some piece.